A Chance Encounter
by erinbatt
Summary: His agony defines him. His memories destroy him. Offered the chance to leave the misery behind, Ed knew it was better to suffer than to forget-the ultimate betrayal, abandoning Bella.He already did that once. He'll find her again. HE HAS TO. -icrodrigues
1. Unforgiven

(Whitneyville, North Haven Connecticut 2047)

EPOV

I wasn't entirely sure what brought the line of thinking on after all these years. It happened like that to me sometimes. Out of nowhere, I found myself confronted with long suppressed memories – images and sounds I'd just as soon forget. _Stupid flawless vampire brain._ I can't forget a goddamn thing even when I try - and oh, have I tried. I had spent the last 44 years trying. Yet here she was, in my mind's eye, radiant and beautiful, if not slightly awkward. This, of course, made me love her even more… _loved, dammit Edward, past tense,_ my brain all but shrieked at me. _Very past tense._ Like I needed the reminder. _Obviously I do. _This was going to be a long night I could already tell.

Not that nights weren't always long. Not that days weren't always long. Not that there was any distinction at all really. Dark and light. Moon and sun. Alone and sometimes not so alone. I was always alone at night. Night was when the other members of my family sought refuge in their paired companionship. And I seek it in my bedroom with the volume at maximum capacity, screaming out of the state of the art sound system in there. _ Least they can do for me really_.

They have everything I have ever wanted and will never have. No need to rub it in night after night. As if I could truly drown out their sounds, both verbalized and otherwise. I hear everything. At least with something loud and obnoxious playing, I could almost always convince myself I couldn't. _Almost always, _my ever-helpful mind reminded me. Perhaps that was what brought the thoughts to the surface tonight. The forced acknowledgment of love in the house, the moans and gasps and chanted "I love you's" that looped through their heads and reverberated off the walls of my mind. Taunting me at times, mocking me. Reminding me of what I once had and lost, _no, walked away from; discarded. _

My mind was no help whatsoever. Annoying, actually. Yet, there was Bella's face, impeccable in its humanity. Flushed and slightly freckled. Deep brown eyes that I got lost in, with no desire to be found. Unlike tonight. I was lost in a runaway train of thought that I couldn't find my way out of. Image after image flooding flawlessly to the surface as if I had just witnessed them for the first time yesterday. Perfection. Bella was perfection. Bella deserved better. _Bella got better, _my mind reminded me. Yes, Bella did do much better for herself, as much as it pained me to admit. Better than either of the two alternatives I could have offered her. A long and happy life with a never-changing boy, who could offer neither physical companionship, nor procreation. Or an everlasting day, complete with soulless and damned immortality.

No. Neither of those options suited Bella. Bella was warm, and giving. She should age, become a mother…. be happy. And she was… or… is, I'm not sure. I never looked back, hard as it was. It was for Bella's sake. _"It will be as if I never existed." _Those were the words I had spoken to her that day in the forest, outside of her house. The darkest, most blasphemous day of my existence. And so it was as if I had never existed. In so far as Isabella Marie Swan was concerned any way. Or so I was to believe. I specifically demanded that none of my family was to ever make contact with Bella under any circumstances; we would disappear completely and she would move on. She was human after all. She would move on eventually, just as I led her to believe that I had.

Alice is the most stubborn little vampire I had ever encountered! And while I instructed her to avoid any visions regarding Bella, she disobeyed wholeheartedly. Of course, I wasn't around back then to know the difference. But after years of wallowing and loathing in the lowest filth this world has to offer, I returned, for my family's sake. _For my sake._ Oh for the love of all that is holy why can't I escape my own mind sometimes!

And while Alice had deliberately dismissed my request to avoid any visions of Bella's future, she was forced second hand into submission by the time I had returned. As Alice kept a watchful eye over Bella after our initial departure, she became aware of her increasing reliance and friendship with Jacob Black. _Of course Bella would choose Jacob Black._ Whether I personally knew the boy or not, I suppose old discordances died hard.

It soon became evident to Alice that although the Cullen's had left town, the mythical ball was already rolling and was unable to stop. Thus, the Quileute youth were still phasing into wolves, even in our absence. Including Jacob Black. Not long after this revelation Alice stopped seeing Bella's future altogether. Upon hearing this, I was immensely worried for what this meant about Bella's safety, save nothing for how outraged I was at Alice's disregard for my request. However, Alice quickly explained to me that she could not "see" the wolves. Something to do with their physiological make-up and their 24 pairs of chromosomes, or something to that affect. Consequently, the more closely intertwined Bella's life became with Jacob's, the less Alice was able to "see." Until one day, she disappeared completely, leaving Alice no choice but to assume that Bella and Jacob's lives had fully merged. Married. Held together by vows. Vows that would include the word "forever," but would not truly mean it. Not the way I would mean it, or, could have meant it if only I had had the courage to.... _No!_ _Don't go down that route, nothing good is down there. We've been there enough times to know that. _Finally, the only sensible suggestion my mind had to offer me. Jacob was a good match for Bella. Perhaps the best match this world could offer her. He was human, or human enough to give her all that I could not. Warmth, affection, children. Yet, given that he was a wolf, he could offer her the level of protection that someone like Bella would need. _"Someone like Bella," there has never been anyone like Bella and there never will be._ Clearly, my mind was back to playing the role of antagonist. I sighed heavily. They are well matched, and Bella would be well taken care of, that was the point.

I, on the other hand, have never been able to move on fully, which we all knew would be one of the consequences of our departure. Vampires mate for life; it's what we do, and we're good at it. God help anyone that gets in the way of that mating. I got in my own way. I've yet to forgive myself.


	2. Alone

(Somewhere north of the Rocky Point woods, Long Island New York 2047)

BPOV

We had been tracking an impressively large herd of elk in the woods when Collin got sidetracked. T_ypical_. He quickly found himself three miles into the sound, headed north and playing with a great Harbour Seal, which I had no doubt he planned to make dinner. Like clockwork, where Collin went, his mate Jennifer followed. Equally as predictable, so will I. Don't get me wrong, Collin and Jennifer were great and I completely value their companionship and loyalty. It was just that playing third wheel has never really been my thing. Four decades later, I was really getting rather tired of it. However, since I was more or less left broken and alone after my run in with Laurent, these two were all I had… literally.

Of course, the Quileute wolves were there all those years ago when Laurent attacked me in the meadow, _our meadow, _and thankfully they tore him apart limb from marble limb before he could finish me off. For that, I would be eternally grateful. However, they were a little late to do much of anything to prevent the spread of his venom in my blood. Bless Jake's heart; he tried so hard to stay with me, to help me, to save me. There was nothing that could be done. Sam convinced him that if he would not permit the wolves to destroy me, the only other option the pack could live with was to run me north, out of Washington completely and make me understand that I had to stay away or they would be forced to act against me.

I didn't care at the time. To be honest, I found the whole thing a relief of sorts. I had been numb for so long, that feeling again, knowing I could feel again, was kind of cool. I don't think I even screamed out once during my transformation. I scoffed at the entire situation actually. I found the idea of the venom running through my veins, shutting down my organs and sealing my arteries, to be a crude mockery of Edward's last words to me. _"Don't worry, you're human, time heals all wounds for your kind." _Hilarious. A mockery because between the time Edward left me and the time Laurent bit me, I had resembled anything but a human. I had been a lifeless, listless shell of a person. No drive, no desire, no emotion at all really. I was numb, and certainly not human. Numb until I lay down at night, anyway. Numb until I fell asleep and dreamt. Dreamt of _him. _Dreamt of _us_. Or on especially bad nights, I dreamed of being alone entirely. Whichever way my unconscious chose to assault me, the end result was always the same. I would jolt myself awake with the echo of my own screams ringing loudly in my ears. Screams of pain, of agony and of loss.

_Loss._ That loss was all I could focus on when Jake ran me north. I had hoped that in my new life I wouldn't hurt anymore. I would be stronger and braver, and my pain would be a fuzzy, distant human memory. Even as the venom ripped through me, lighting every molecule of my existence on fire, I welcomed it. I challenged it. _Make me forget. _Maybe the blinding blaze would set fire to the gaping Edward-shaped hole that had been plaguing my midsection since that day in the woods. _You don't want me, _I had asked him. Well dammit, someone would want me.

I drifted in and out of consciousness the entire way, as Jake held me pressed tight against his body while he ran with Sam by his side. He was whispering "I love you's" repeatedly, as well as half-hearted reassurances that everything would be okay, vowing solemnly to take care of Charlie for me in my absence.

_Charlie. _God, my heart still aches when I think of the pain that my 'death' must have caused him. I was all Charlie had. I don't know how he took the news of my animal attack; I never did go back, out of personal necessity. The story of my death was of course highly believable, given that my blood and shredded clothing were found in the meadow where I had struggled with Laurent. I just wish I could have had a chance to say goodbye to him, and to my mother for that matter.

I had felt so alone when I regained consciousness somewhere in Canada several days later. Even as the chaos flooded my head, making me dizzy with heightened awareness, there were three things I was absolutely certain of. First, I was a vampire. Second, that it wasn't going to change a damn thing for Edward, he had moved on, he made that much perfectly clear to me. Third, I was going to be a vegetarian. Of course, I was going to be a vegetarian; there was no question about that. I knew that life, I could live that life. _Or whatever you want to call it. _I just didn't want to live it alone.

Luckily, several weeks later, I came across Collin and Jennifer. We had been together ever since. Roaming as we felt, settling when the urge hit us, and leaving again when the time was right. We hunted whatever large game we could find and travelled anywhere we had a whim to see. _Nomads. _Mostly we stayed in the US though, as it was easiest for us. We were all American and could barely scrape by when we travelled abroad. Though, surprisingly, my French really did improve remarkably last time we were in Paris.

_Edward would be pleased with that. _Stop. I tried to never think of what would please Edward about me and what would upset him. My very existence would have offended him. I am exactly the kind of monster he loathes about himself. Everything dark and morbid that he thought sucked away his soul the day the venom shot through his veins could be applied to me. _I am everything that he fears. _This was why, no matter where the three of us travelled, I made a pained effort to scope the place out before I prancing around in public. I wasn't entirely sure that I would be able to recognize Edward's scent with my new senses, but I thought there was a possibility. Anyway, I had to try. I would have definitely picked up on some sense of familiarity that would raise a few flags at least. I remembered how I thought he smelled through my human nostrils, _sweet and delicious_, that was enough to go on. I would not have forced him to break his half of our promise to one another.

'_This will be the last time you see me, it will be as if I never existed.' _

_Well, fat chance of that Edward Cullen, I could never forget you existed!_ Nevertheless, I could at least work to hold up that end of the bargain for you, for your sake. _I'd do anything for your sake. _I will make sure never to cross that honeysuckle scent as long as I live. _That could be awhile you realize, Bella? _At least my mind was in good spirits tonight that made one of us.

So Jennifer, Collin andI would roam from city to city, place to place, occasionally leaving the country just for something to do. _Lord knows we have the time, _but mostly we just existed. Though we were all young, we refused do the 'school' thing, like the Cullens had. _God that would be miserable. _I hated high school the first time around, I was in no hurry to be stuck in that particular purgatory for all of eternity. No… we just existed. We did whatever made us happy. _Well..._ Stop.

We are all mostly in control of our bloodlust, so mixing with the human population was never really an issue for us. When they initially found me, they were worried when I told them that I was mere weeks old.

"_A neophyte? Jesus! Well, all things considered I'd say you're doing fairly well then kid-o." _Jennifer had joked about my pristine instincts and calm demeanour. They weren't much older than my 19 years physically, but Jennifer was hundreds of years old and even Collin was a good 80 or so at the time and with a "clean" record, so they quickly adapted their roles as the leaders. Suited me just fine. _Fewer decisions to agonize over that way. _

Jennifer was not always a vegetarian, that changed for her when she found Collin. When she bit, but could not find it in her to kill, her glorious Collin. Once he awoke with the scorching thirst, the only thing the little hillbilly could say in response to Jennifer's meagre attempts at an explanation and her muddled apologies was, 'Why can't we just hunt deer and stuff.' Oh Collin - she fell in love with him on the spot, they have been inseparable ever since.

Sometimes I found it hard to be near them. Whenever I got into especially dark moods, I had to separate myself from their insatiable doting. It drug me under the current of my own despair even further to witness their endless affection and devotion. I didn't think of that which hurt me the worst often. I was always quite good at compartmentalizing my emotions. Once a decision was made, I could carry it out with little effort, _usually._ It was getting through the decision making process that has was always the toughest for me. I spent decades warring with myself over Edward. _Sometimes I'm not so convinced the war is over. _

_Edward. _God just to think his name, even safely in the confines of my own mind, ripped my soul in half with agony. _Yes Edward, my soul. I still believe I - we, have a soul. _I was battling a particularly dark mood that afternoon. It had been too long since we last hunted. Add to the equation that Collin and Jennifer had been even more indulgent than normal with their affection for one another lately, and you get one unhappy, immortal Bella. Jennifer had a rather unpleasant encounter with one of our kind just recently in a New York City alleyway. A female who was convinced Jennifer had eyes for her mate and appeared to be convinced otherwise. It got physical very quickly, and only ended when Collin and the females mate ripped them off each other. This was why we are moving on. Jennifer had been hurt, though not too badly; she repaired within a few days. Gouges and missing chunks here and there, nothing our kind couldn't bounce back from. The ordeal really affected Collin and the two of them were like freaking newlyweds after that.

Churning my stomach actually. _Bitter much, Bella? Just because they have what you want and will never have. _This was true, though I wished my mind would take my side occasionally. I did want what they had. Sure, I had met others of my kind. Occasionally, and always under duress from my coven, I had entertained a few of the attractive ones. But it was always short-lived and unfulfilling. _They aren't Edward. _

Furthermore, I was unaccustomed with my newfound beauty, and after all those years I still found it odd that men, humans and vampires alike, should find me alluring. I didn't get the draw personally. _Edward always found me beautiful. _That was true, even as a plain and average human, Edward did always find me beautiful. He told me so daily. Repeatedly. Whispered it in my ear in between the soft chords of my lullaby that he hummed to me nightly as he held me close to him. With my eyes closed, I could almost feel the cold on the side of my body that would lie curled around him and feel the small vibrations of his heavenly humming in my ear. Breathing in the sweet honeysuckle and feeling the weight of his cold arms draped across my body. _Agony! _Edward was perfect. _Too perfect for me._ Which, of course, he inevitably came to realize.

"Izzy! Sheesh, c'mon! What the hell?" I snapped my eyes open as Collin's shouts reached me at the edge of the sound where I stood, unnaturally still, and abruptly pulled me out of my reverie. He and Jennifer had swum halfway across the sound already. _I guess were heading that way now. _ Made no difference to me. What's over there anyway? Connecticut? Dinner I hoped.


	3. Immortal

Alice POV

"Alice, honey, what is it?" Jasper's tone clearly indicated he was on to me. _Crap! _I quickly snapped my eyes shut and gave my head a delicate shake to clear the fog and bring myself back to the present. I opened my eyes slowly and found his.

"Nothing hun, just... I don't even know actually. Just fuzz and blurs really, nothing to worry about, totally the norm." _Cue reassuring smile. Don't mention that the bizarre flickers have been happening for days now and are anything _but_ normal._ "I'm gonna go see if Rose needs any more help with the wardrobe designs she's working on. Kiss."

I loped over to him lightly, letting my arms swing casually by my sides, and planted a quick smack on his lips, trying with my every movement to embody confidence in the words I had just told him. _I lied, of course. A white lie, no harm no foul_, I reassured myself - because something was definitely not right. I couldn't quite bring myself to use the word "wrong," just amiss. Something was definitely "amiss."

I turned gracefully on my heel and paraded toward Rosalie and Emmett's room, where I could hear her muttering colour and fabric options under her breath as I approached. I rearranged the troubled features of my face just before I turned the corner, so I as to not alert her right away. No sense in upsetting anyone else until I got a better grip on the images. Besides, if I didn't want the entire family panicking, I had to get my thoughts under control before drama queen Edward got home and heard them. _God, he can be melodramatic sometimes... er ... ALL the time. I mean really, thank goodness Carlisle had the idea of getting him out of our mundane school routine and placing him in the workforce as a distraction. _Sheer brilliance! Gave him a focus - made him feel useful - plus he had less time to be so utterly annoying._ He was really getting on my last nerve with all that moping and misery crap. Not like you're the only one who still misses her, Edward, _I sneered wishing he could hear me_. _

An angry hiss wafted up through the floorboards, as the front door cried out in protest against the unnecessary use of force. _Oopsies. Love you, Edward! _He obviously got home from the hospital as I was lost in thought; I hadn't even heard him drive up. I guess I _was_ a bit distracted. It always annoyed me when my visions went all unhinged. I felt disconnected and exposed. I _hated_ being normal. Not to mention that it was actually a tad unsettling when things went fuzzy. _Never a good sign. _Gah! He would have caught that one. I quickly started reciting the words to _Medicus: The Fall of the Roman Empire_ through my mind, over the top of my discussion with Rose. Screw it, he would know I was up to something, but it was better than having him panic. It _is_ almost mine and Jazz's anniversary. Maybe he would just think I was planning something, and didn't want him spoiling it for me again. God, living with Edward could be exhausting. _Nevertheless, I love him in ways no words can describe. _Uh oh...meh, he would think that one was about Jazz. I hoped. He had better. I quickly locked down the lid to my meandering thoughts before I got to the part about 'doing anything I could to protect him,' including letting my visions come into better focus before I bringing them to his attention. Never mind the actual content of the visions _themselves_.God, what that would do to him!

I picked back up where I left off in _Medicus_, dedicating more attention to it so I wouldn't make another slip while talking with Rose. Exhausting…_si__gh…_

I needed a nap.

BPOV

_Holy freaking crow!_ If I heard one more 'baby,' 'darling,' or fucking 'schnooky pie,' I swore I would rip their throats out with my teeth! _And a smile, _I thought sadistically. I had never been all that hot at the whole vampire fighting thing. Luckily, I proved to be quite charming and had never found a need to fight for anything. But so help me, I would learn on the fly if those two didn't knock it off. They were making me sick with all their heinous petting and cooing. Every muscle in my body was drawn taught with anticipation, practically begging my brain for permission to lunge at them. And I was two miles downriver. Could I still claim a newborn Mulligan if I slipped and went a little berserk after forty-two years? Hmm...doubtful.

_Guess I'm still within earshot, _I noted as I heard Jennifer's high-pitched giggle accompanied by an equally sickening, "Collin, stop that tickles." _Barf!_ I ran another quarter of a mile alongside the river desperately trying to escape. When did I turn into such a prude? _Approximately forty-four years ago. _The thought broke out before I could stop it. It was true though, with Edward I was certainly no prude. Anything but, really. I think I begged for physical intimacy with him no less than once a day. Practically throwing myself at him on more than one occasion. _Yeah where'd that ever get you anyway? _Turned down vehemently every time. Ironic…that now all I have to do is walk by a man, and he practically throws himself at _me_. I very seldom take any of them up on their offers. And I _always_ did it just to get Jenn off my back. She constantly begs me to give in to my needs more frequently, and to "live" more, which I find incredibly ironic. I never cared much for the few men I had been with. _They weren't Edward, they weren't desirable, and there wasn't much point. _I think that more than anything what really got me down when I was in moods like the one I was in that particular night, was just how incredibly and unnervingly _long_ forever seemed. It was freaking forever - literally! _Alone and aching forever._ Argh! That was not a very promising existence. It used to see seem so much more promising when I thought I'd be spending it alongside Edward. Instead, there I was, a_lone and incredibly thirsty. _I felt like a fresh newborn whose every fiber was impulsive and ungovernable.

Really, wasn't it hard enough to break up with your boyfriend as a teenager on its own? After Edward left me, I had tired desperately to just make it through one day at a time. _Hell, one minute at a time. _Then, to add to all that, trying to pretend for my family's sake that I was 'fine,' when all the while I realized my very existence was sinking lower than I ever thought possible - frightening even myself. And then, just for kicks, I was made an immortal right in the crux of it all…c_learly God hates me. _Immortals were unchanging… completely frozen in time. Preferences, concerns, likes, dislikes, emotions... all frozen. _Heartache, longing, gaping missing pieces. _Frozen. So much for that roving hope I remembered having during my transformation that this new life would hold more peace an d happiness than my last. Can you say, "Refund please?" _At least there are no more dreams. _True again. _Way to look on the bright side, Swan, _I mentally patted myself on the back.Jesus, before I broke out in song and dance I figured I had better go look for something to make dinner.

I threw my animal instincts out like a fishing net and crouched ready to spring at the first thing that moved, be it a deer or a crow, I really didn't care, I was literally _that_ thirsty. I felt my entire esophagus ignite as I acknowledged the flames in preparation to squelch them. Then, the scent hit me like a freight train. A scent that should _not _have been there. _Oh, no, not a human_. Not there, not right then. _Come on! _A small recess in my vampire brain still had time, despite the disaster, to curse the fates that never seemed to cut me any slack. I was _way_ too thirsty to deal with that. My black eyes flitted across the jagged landscape known as the Devil's Den, looking for the delicious offender. _Serves them right for being here after hours anyway._ Whoa! Was I already justifying killing the human? I really was in a foul mood. _Okay, Bella, stop, reign yourself in a little._ I could do this, I tried to reassure myself. At which point, I caught sight of the silhouette on top of the peak, about 250 feet above the river. _Is she going to jump? _What the hell was she doing up there. It was two in the morning; the park was supposed to be closed from dusk until dawn. Hikers and hunters had long since vacated, save, of course, for the mythical ones. _Clearly, she wants to die anyway._ Was my mind _still_ trying to rationalize the child's death? What had gotten in to me? I was _really_ thirsty.

My eyes danced back to the peak. For a moment, the girl's silhouette looked radiant and peaceful. A black figure against the black skyline. I cast my shield out, encompassing her, even though she was right on the periphery of how far I could extend myself. I felt drawn to this girl by a supernatural pull that I could hardly wrap my mind around. I made quick work of getting a good hold on my shield. After so many years of playing with it, it had become a tangible part of me. Every bit a part of me as my arms and legs. I could physically feel it and manipulate it. Push it and pull it. I could use it to protect others and myself from mental offences or displace it entirely leaving me raw and vulnerable. Alternately, I could reverse its polarity, as I was doing with the human, essentially turning it inside out like a thin, sticky jellyfish vacuum, drawing into it anything that was near enough. This allowed me to turn another vampire's gift's around onto their possessor. Very convenient at times, that little toy of mine. Obviously, it was a futile task to engage in such a thing with a mere human. I was not entirely sure why I did it; it was instinctual. _I'm losing myself completely tonight. I swear, if it could, this night would be the death of me. _As it stood, it couldn't. So, I refocused my efforts on the child.

Anguish! A sudden wave of unbridled agony washed over me. _Is this the child? _She was emotionally demolished, and I was picking up on it. That must have been some misery! Heartache and abandon. Immediately, I felt entirely and inexplicably connected with the pathetic child. Our hearts mirrored each other's completely. Well, mine was cold and dead, but other than that… She was suffering and alone. Terrified and confused. Desperate and worthless. _Holy crow! She does want to kill herself. _I couldn't quite rationalize why I felt such a sudden and sure need to stop her. It shouldn't have mattered to me if she jumped_. Though spilled blood is hard to resist, _I tried to reason with myself logically. Yes, but that was hardly the reason. She just couldn't jump. I couldn't let her. There was nothing good waiting in that water for her. I wasn't sure what she thought she saw looking out over that precipice into the freezing cold and tumultuous water, but it certainly would not be the salvation she wanted. I had no rational explanation for how I knew that, I just I did. I felt it in my steel bones. That child should not jump. She would just be more broken and more confused afterward. _If she lived. _Of that, I was somehow certain. No. I wouldn't let her...

With a move bathed in grace, the dark figure flung herself off the ledge. For a fraction of a second, I took the time to admire the beauty of the silhouette against the night sky, with the jagged rocky outline above her, as she plummeted into such an exquisite swan dive that I almost felt like I was intruding by bearing witness to it. Then, I remembered the anguish that awaited her in the depths of the water. No, not salvation, not in those waters. I could almost see through her eyes as the still, black wall grew closer and closer. _Very_ disorienting.

I snapped my shield back into its home, secure around my own mind, and fled. I ran faster than perhaps I ever had. I had to catch her. But I couldn't. Fast as I was, there was just no feasible way I could run, jump, and then swim all the way to the rapids below the peak in time to catch the girl's resigned body. Nonetheless, I forced myself to try. I failed. Her body hit the surface with a sickening thud, and instantly plunged farther under the dark abyss than my eyes could detect. _Would that be enough to kill her? _I was taken aback to realize how desperately I was praying it would not be. _She shouldn't die like this. _I dove deeper into the water, desperate to save the helpless and heartbroken child.

Amidst the white flourish of millions of tiny bubbles and vapours, I found the limp girl gliding ethereally towards the river's bottom. I wrapped my arms around her and leapt for the surface. _How long has she been without air?_ Seconds was all. I broke the surface and was on the river's edge before the blink of an eye, not that there were any eyes actually blinking. She was unconscious; I had no reason to keep up human pretences.

I listened carefully. Her heart was thundering fast, but steady. _That's a good sign._ I could hear the sloshy wet sounds of her lungs forcing themselves to expand despite the intake of foreign fluids. I flung her over my shoulder hard, trying to startle her lungs into taking a good breath, while I took off at a full sprint. I heard a broken and haggard gasp, followed by coughing and the liquid lapping sounds of her lungs working against the odds. _She's breathing._ I could tell from the limp weight across my back that she was still unconscious. _Good_. I ran at top speed in the direction of the small hospital I had taken note of earlier in the day - Saint Raphael Hospital. This will be significantly smaller than the Yale University Hospital in the heart of the city. Less people, less injuries, less blood. _I am so damn thirsty, let's not push my limits, shall we little Jumper? _Besides, both hospitals will be busy no doubt. _Weekends are always messy. _

I dashed through the parking lot and slowed to a painful human pace as I flew abruptly through the doors of the small hospital's emergency ward. _Hold your breath! _I reminded myself. _Good idea. _I deposited the child on an abandoned stretcher shoved against the far wall and got a better look at her. Under the sickly tinged lights that all hospitals feel necessary to have, the girl looked meager and lifeless. Her dark hair was tangled across her face; her skin was placid from the water yet red on the cheeks from being windblown. _Jesus, she really is just a child - fifteen at most_.

"I'll call Ped's!" a panicked young receptionist shouted from behind the desk. Her voice broke through my observations and brought me back to the present. A nurse came running over to the stretcher where I laid 'Jumper'. She hollered over her left shoulder to the receptionist as she began wheeling the child away, "Call Dr. Masen! There's no one but orderlies in the Pediatrician wing right now."

EPOV

_Medicus? What the hell is my annoying little pixie sister up to?_ Unbelievably frustrating! I hated it when Alice blocked me. She had always been the best at it. Her brain, much like her body, always moves at the steady pace of approximately a million miles per minute, and she was very good at compartmentalizing her thoughts around me. _But why the effort tonight, Al? What's going on? _A quick scan of everyone else in the house was reassuring; no one seemed too troubled. Jasper was primarily consumed with thirst, so I quickly moved on, no need to feel the twin burn. Esme noticed how hard I slammed her front door and was making a mental note to check the doorframe for damage later. _Sorry, mom. _Rosalie was thinking about herself. _Shocking_. Carlisle was in the living room hoping to talk with me now that I was home. _I suspected as much. _

I hated being so intrusive, not that any of them still clung to even the faintest sense of privacy around me after all this time. They had all grown accustomed to my unwelcome invasions by now. Still, I tried my best to give them what little mental solitude I could, which ultimately was none. Whether intentional or not, I always knew what they were thinking. Besides, I _am_ the family "watchdog" so...whatever. I shrugged it all off. It had been an incredibly long and trying shift at the hospital. I really just wanted to unplug a little bit. Perhaps after I talked with Carlisle I would go for a quick hunt and run up the range near the sound. _Silence. _So simple and soothing, yet damn near impossible for me to find.

Whatever had Alice in a knot could wait. If she wasn't ready to share it with me, I wasn't ready to hear it. I had enough on my plate as it was. Besides, it was almost her and Jasper's anniversary. She was probably still punishing me for a few nights ago when I laughed so loud at one of her suggestions for a 'romantic night' that Jazz heard and her plans were foiled.

_But I love him in ways no words can describe, _slipped through her methodical recitation of the boring Roman love affair that is Medicus.Yup - definitely Jazz. Maybe nothing at all was wrong. I was just overreacting. I think I did that a lot. _Must work on that. _I stepped lethargically down the three stairs that led from the foyer into the living room.

"How'd it go at the hospital, son? Was Dr. Butler at all upset with me for asking him to take my overnight shift on such a short notice?" Carlisle's voice was heavy and troubled. _Poor guy._ I redirected my eyes from where I had been studying the ceiling below Alice, to where my father, for intents and purposes, was sprawled out on the overstuffed white couch. He had a familiar four-inch thick leather book draped over his lap, held together by duct tape. _God, that thing is ancient; why does he still reference it? _

_It's rewarding to remember how far things have advanced and to know that I have played a role in medical evolution, no matter how small_, he thought as if reading _my_ mind. Sometimes I wondered if I was as intuitive as I claimed to be, or if we had all just been around each other _way_ too long. I gave him a smirk, but chose to answer his spoken question instead.

"He came upstairs briefly first thing this morning to check on that kid from the car accident last night," I began. "I don't know… his thoughts seemed normal. No hint of malice or murder whatsoever." I quirked an eyebrow at my dad. _My turn to poke fun. _Carlisle worries too much. He practically lives at the hospital, so much so that the nursing staff all think his home life must be a disaster. _If only they knew. _

Carlisle had been there late last night when the crash victims were rolled into the ER - a mother and her young son. There was an extraordinary amount of blood considering the relatively superficial wounds. _Head traumas always bleed a lot_. It had been too long since Carlisle had hunted, and he quickly felt the scorch when the blood-soaked stretchers rolled by him. _Thank God, Alice and I just got back two days ago._ It was a precautionary errant thought. I was always completely in control, of course, which was to say that I hadn't attacked any of my patients yet. Kind of a positive thing, considering I was supposed to be one of the good guys in the hospital. 'Wonder boy, Dartmouth graduate' and all. _Bet they don't know how long it took me to get that degree. _I snickered to myself. _Not as young as I look folks. _I found myself saying that at least a hundred times a day. Okay, maybe ten. _Dramatic, _I noted mentally. 

I had quickly scooped up the kid and took him to my pediatric ward. He was just in shock and in need of some stitches. Easy. Carlisle had no choice but to acknowledge his need, and as such, slunk into his office and reluctantly phoned Dr. Butler to see if he could come in and take over, claiming he was in need of a few hours break. I knew it embarrassed him to let the thirst get the best of him. _We are what we are, Carlisle. Believe me, there is no point in trying to be something we are not. _Besides, Dr. Butler was all too happy to oblige, the old man worships Carlisle. He regarded Carlisle as one of the best doctors he had ever had the pleasure of working with. I heard the subtle praises trace through the background of his thoughts whenever he spoke to my father. _They truly just don't make doctors like this anymore. So dedicated,_ he was always thinking. Carlisle worries too much. Maybe that was _his_ role.

"How'd the hunting trip with Emmett go?" I asked to redirect the conversation away from work. _Ha, I work, _and the idea still seemed so foreign to me.However, it actually _had_ been a challenging night. _Friday nights are always messy._ I could use some non-hospital conversation. As soon as Carlisle got home last night, he and Emmett set out in the woods just north of the city. Nothing too exciting there, but it served in a pinch and made for a pretty quick trip. _Certainly no mountain lions._

_The trip was sufficient. __ Carlisle began to answer me. __Emmett insisted on playing a game of tag with a Black bear before eating it. Naturally. _We both thought the word at the same time - only I noticed. _I found a large herd of whitetail deer… that should last me a few weeks._

"Good," I responded slowly, drawing the word out as I scoured my father's memories with him. I narrowed my eyes at him. There was something off there. Something about the night was bothering him. It was laced behind everything else as he recalled the night for me. Something he had come across in the forest was troubling him. What was it...? "A scent?" I asked aloud.

Understanding what I meant, he quickly switched tracks from the bear anecdote to tell me that before he had picked up the scent of the deer, he was perched still as the stone he rested on, listening and letting his instincts guide him. That was when the scent hit him, another of our kind. Three others actually, or so he suspected, and the scent was very fresh, probably still in the area. No one he recognised precisely. Just that something was troubling him about one particular fragrance - vague familiarity?

Before I had time to delve too far into why this would be so troubling to him, I had my blackberry at my ear before it could finish a single vibration. _The hospital._ "Dr. Masen," I tried my best to not sound as overspent as I felt.

I hit end and shoved the phone back into my pocket with the over exaggerated annoyance of the petulant teenager that I sometimes still was. _How has he done this for so long?__ I glared absently at my dad._ "The hospital," I explained needlessly. He probably heard both sides of the conversation. "Someone brought in a kid who fell from the Devil's Den cliffs out at Lucius Pond," I continued just incase he hadn't been paying attention. "There's no attendings in Peds right now so..." I trailed off. He was nodding letting me know that he had in fact been listening. I turned around to get back into my Lamborghini that probably wasn't even cold yet. _As if I'd notice._

_It's rewarding, son. Saving them, helping them, _he called after me._ They get to live another day because of the work we do. That's important; they_ _are _all_ important. _He placed a little more emphasis on the word "all" than was strictly necessary, and I knew he assumed I would think of Bella. _He was right of course._ I would want someone, somewhere to do everything in their power to save my fragile Bella if ever she was in a similar peril. _Not my Bella anymore, _I had reminded myself for the millionth time.

"I know Carlisle," I snipped through clenched teeth, my voice coming out a bit edgier than I intended. It didn't help my conscience any that I found myself shooting him an equally menacing look for breaching the forbidden subject of Bella. _Does he have to be so goddamn decent all the time? _"Thank you," I quickly added, feeling immediately remorseful. Carlisle had never acted except out of my best interests. Everything he did was for the family, _his_ family. I idolized him.

I reached for the door. "Enjoy the rest of your bedtime story," I snickered up at Alice, who was still blocking me. Something was definitely up with her. I closed the door _gently_ behind me.

Alice POV

Edward thinks he's so funny. I was so relieved he had to go back to the hospital; it was draining trying to block him from my scrambled visions, both past and present. I could feel the flickers closing in on me with desperation as I tried to keep them at bay and away from Edward. Now, with him safely out of range, I could try to iron them out while I sat there with Rose. I let my eyes gloss over and tried to centre on the wavy images that were dancing recklessly through my mind.

I actually _was_ trying to focus a little bit on Rose while attempting to decipher the code behind the blurs. I mean, I know how pissy she gets when people don't pay attention to her, and that's not exactly my idea of a fun night. However, as we sat there on the floor with her _Casa Howard Guesthouse_ early-buy catalogue spread out before us, I still could not gain control of the visions. They were coming more vigorously than they had over the last several days - clearly not something I should ignore. There was an increased sense of urgency transmitting through each one that was starting to make me more than a little nervous. Yet still I could hardly make out anything but a blue blur surrounded by bright yellow flashes and a faint pinging sound in the background. I felt a panic and apprehension emanating out of the shadowy images. It was starting to mirror my own feelings.

I kept getting little snippets of Edward in his lab coat talking to a little boy with his arm in a sling. _He's just at work__, __what is going on?_ I mean, it didn't 'feel' dangerous - whatever _it_ was - just unexpected and precarious. I tried again to zero in on the flashing figures with the blurry yellow outline. I felt my eyes narrow and gloss over even further as I searched my vision, mentally shifting aside superfluous items and compartmentalizing unnecessary voices. I even tried to make myself aware of what scents were swirling around, but all I could smell through the fog was the scorching blood in the air. _Maybe I can do this without the scent aspect. _

Dangit, it was so frustrating! I felt a low snarl rip through me, something I _never_ do, but I could hardly help it. Was my family in danger while I was losing it and thus utterly useless to them? _Great timing, Alice, _I chastised myself_._ It was my job to protect them. So I commanded myself to think harder, what was I missing? There had to be some absent piece of the puzzle that I was just not seeing. If I could figure that out and add it to the equation, then maybe it would all come together for me. Think, Alice, what... am... I... not... seeing...

"Alice if you can't bring yourself to give me your one hundred percent attention, then quit wasting my time and get the hell out of my room." Rose was actually _stamping _her foot and pointing at the door, some peripheral part of my brain registered. "If I don't place this order like _now,_ these things will never get here from Paris in time to be season appropriate." Her high-pitched voice continued to whine in front of me, trying to penetrate my visions. _Hang on Rose - I'm focusing here. _I was almost there. By the yellow wall, it was a person, who is that? It slowly started to crystallize, and I was getting a serious feeling of foreboding. Whatever this scene was, it was going to occur in the _very_ near future. I absolutely had to lock this down; it's what I do for crying out loud. _I would never forgive myself if I let anything happen to Edward. _

"Alice!" Rosalie shrieked loudly at me just inches from my face, effectively sucking my vision straight from my sight and out of view completely. _No! _ I was instantly devastated. _I almost had it. _I looked up and glared at her with black eyes. She raised an eyebrow at me in question, without even the slightest hint of feeling abashed. _Ugh, she is so selfish sometimes. _ "The studded leather blazer Al... black or cadet blue?"

_Is she serious?_ I was in the middle of trying to save our brother's life and she was trying to force me to comment on the colour of a freaking jacket. I hissed at her just as Emmett came bounding in.

"What's with all the yelping, babe," he grinned wildly at Rose. _I don't know how you put up with her, _I thought darkly glaring at him. Surely, he understood what I was thinking because he shrugged his shoulders and made a face before he went to stand behind her peering over her shoulder at the catalogue on her lap. "That one," he said pointing at the blue jacket, "you look stunning in blue." I snorted, unable to hold back my repulsion.

_You look stunning in blue..._it echoed through my mind, shaking something loose. Something about that sentence was begging for attention. Was it just the way Emmett said 'stunning'? It was an oddly sophisticated word choice for him. I looked in his direction and smiled at the big goof. Then I remembered where I'd heard that sentence before. That's something I had heard Edward say to Bella a million years ago. _He always adored Bella in blue._

Click. It all fell into place - like a scrambled Rubik's cube - that you don't realize you've solved until you turn the last piece into place and find yourself staring at it in astonishment while it sits there on display in all its glory, completely solved. That is what happened in my head. As soon as I thought of Bella while trying to unlock my visions, the fog drifted away and I saw her. Crystal clear and terrifyingly breathtaking.

I leapt to my feet unthinkingly, my body readied for action, aching to do something, _but what? _As I jumped, I smacked into Rose and her stupid catalogue. It went flying across the room where it crashed loudly into a lamp, shattering it into bits, showering us in ceramic shards. I stayed in the centre of the room in a defensive crouch, my fists balled tightly at my sides, unsure what my next move should be. _Warn Edward, don't tell Edward? Is she safe? Should I let the family know or keep it to myself? What the hell happened? How have I missed this all these years? Why is she here? Did she come looking for us? Does she want to be with us, will she still be my best friend? _I hoped so.

I peeked up through my lashes with squinted eyes, trying to refocus on the here and now. I think I might have just given myself a headache. Both Rosalie and Emmett were gawking incredulously at me as if I had totally flipped my lid. My eyes were bulging, and I was panting. I probably did look a little nuts. I noticed Rose had specks of pink ceramic dust in her hair that she would scream at me about later. Meanwhile, Jasper came flying around the corner and stopped to join them in staring at me, no doubt sensing the tumultuous environment with me at its epicenter. _I guess that answers that._ No way was I getting out of this one without telling them everything. I was still gasping for breath, feeling crushed under the weight of the vision and its potential ramifications. They were all staring at me expectantly, when I straightened my posture and looked directly at them. Rose looked pissed, Emmett was thoroughly amused and Jazz was concerned, of course. Their faces were all twisted into their various expressions as I spoke.

"Bella..." I whispered as an explanation, afraid to say anything too loudly for fear it would make it real. Each face fell and went a matching shade of white. _Well, that got their attention. _


	4. Trembling

BPOV

It had been nearly eighteen hours since the nurse wheeled Jumper away from me at Saint Raphael's and still she stole my every thought and tugged at my heart. I was consumed with worry for the poor kid. I couldn't shake the last image I had of her laying splayed out on the stretcher all sallow and unconscious and entirely helpless. I hoped her parents' were called. I hoped they were good parents. _Of course they aren't good parents, their kid is taking nose-dives off cliffs at two in the morning, how wonderful can they be?_ Unfair assessment perhaps, but I felt so damned protective over her that I couldn't help it.

I tried to regain control of my thoughts as I rocked back on my heels sauntering away slowly from the bobcat I had just drained. I could feel the warm liquid sloshing around freshly against the walls of my body. _Finally. _Two deer and a bobcat later my thirst was at last satiated. Now I could properly dedicate attention to the other details of my life. I nimbly scaled a blue spruce and perched on a branch looking out across the quiet forest. _Twilight._ What a peculiar time of day. Of course, I understand now everything Edward had tried to tell me before about this time of day and its effects on his kind, _our kind_.

I fought to pull the memory to the surface, dragging it through the dark and murk that were my human memories. "_It's the safest time of day for us. The easiest time," _he had tried to explain._ "But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?" _He had posed the question with a century of everlasting days to draw from while I only had 42 years worth, still enough to appreciate his perspective thoroughly. The sadness, _I know all about the sadness Edward_. The knowing that there will be no end, no relief waiting somewhere in the shadows of a blissful unconsciousness. Light merges to dark, dark merges to light, and so on. _Predictable indeed._ But then again, wasn't everything in this new life of mine? Needs are met and evils avoided, which about summed it all up. I worked continuously to be "good" at this existence, to be moral in an immoral world where we vegetarians certainly composed the peculiar fringe of our own society. Which, by the way, I was totally fine with. Predictable was stable and I have always been a big fan of stable. I just wish predictable wasn't quite so lonely. Even so, just like the twilight, predictable was safe. Yes Edward, twilight can be very thought provoking, forcing one to drive further within themselves than they otherwise would care to travel.

With this, my thoughts came full circle back to Jumper. _I should go check on her, make sure she is okay. _Yes certainly, fabulous idea Bells, because if she wasn't okay I'm sure she would love to have a masochistic vampire coming to her aid. What kind of sick world did I live in where anyone would want a wild vampire as their guardian angel? Vegetarian or not. _Delusional._ Maybe I should go to the hospital if only to seek mental help for myself. I chuckled aloud at the notion and tried to shove aside my irrational thoughts about returning to the hospital

Still, something about Jumper was nagging at me. It had to be her; otherwise…well, otherwise I just couldn't explain the raw compulsion to return to the hospital. I _had_ felt an odd draw toward her when I saw her on that ledge. And I saved her life, of that I was certain. _Then I should be done with her, right?_ Yet something was still beckoning to me. _I had to go back. _I had to check on her. What other possible explanation was there? By this point, I had worked myself into a complete frenzy. What the hell was the matter with me? Unthinkingly, I pounced off the branch at a small red fox walking below, entirely unaware of my frozen presence above him, and sank my teeth in feeling the hot, thick liquid coat the back of my throat as I pulled the life from him._ I guess there was n__o need to risk anything if I _was_ planning to return to the hospital this evening._

*****

I took a huge gulp of the fresh air outside the building and walked through the main entrance. I wasn't sure how long the reserve would last me; let's hope the receptionist wasn't feeling too chatty tonight. I ambled up to the desk and plastered on my most alluring smile, careful to keep my teeth hidden behind my lips. I looked up through my thick black lashes at the homely woman in scrubs behind the counter and spoke in my smoothest voice, the one I reserved strictly for dazzling humans. "I've come to inquire about the child brought in early this morning. The girl who nearly drowned in the park." _Pure silk. _I made sure to stand tall and confident hoping to exude some sort of authority that would permit this woman to allow me to check on Jumper when clearly I had no claim on her.

"Oh, er, yes... uhm... are you... are you family miss?" She sounded flustered as she took in the sight of me in all my vampire glory, no doubt wondering what runway I had just stepped off as I had so often thought about Edward's sisters.

"Not precisely." _This annoying creature was going to use up all my oxygen, wasn't she?_ I forced another enticing smile. "It's just that I'm the one who found her and I have been worrying about her since. I just wanted to make sure she was okay." Was that satisfactory enough for her, not as if I had any more to offer, I myself was wondering what the freaking draw was. I shouldn't have wanted to be there any more than the bothersome receptionist wanted me there, not exactly the safest place for me that hospital. Too much trauma, too much blood. Yet even as I stood there, I felt the pull. It was odd and unexplainable, I just felt comfortable and at ease in a way that I had not since I couldn't even remember when, and of all the places. This was where I was supposed to be, that much was obvious; I just _needed_ to be there. The place was calling to me, screaming at me in fact. The edges around my vision started to tremble noticeably. Everything was slightly out of focus as if I were watching my own interactions through someone else's hazy eyes. My mind was reeling trying to attach a reason to all the chaos writhing inside me.

_Maybe the lack of oxygen?_ While not a vital necessity exactly, cutting off my air supply did go against my better judgement. This left me without my sharpest sense, my sense of smell, without which I was entirely defenceless. It was unnerving. Maybe that was the reason for the wobbly way the margins of my vision were trembling. Weird. My body was humming - but not necessarily in a bad way, I noted. _But what the hell did that mean? _I had never experienced anything like it before. Surely, it was some sort of defence mechanism being triggered - I tried to rationalize with myself - I mean, it couldn't exactly be a _good_ omen could it? Maybe I should have turned around and ran, got the hell out of Dodge. Clearly, something was off, my every molecule was trying to get my attention about something. _But what?_ All the blood? I had an alarming thought. Holy crow, was I going to flip out entirely in this blood-bathed hospital and compromise not just my own safety but risk exposing everyone in my entire world? _Everyone. _Well I couldn't very well do that could I? All these humans, damaged already, were they in more danger because of me? _Where does that leave me? What should I do now?_

"Excuse me miss, did you hear me?" _Obviously not. _The receptionist's voice hauled me back to reality and I realized I had missed something. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked, admittedly putting much less effort into humanizing myself than I had earlier. My mind was still somewhere else miles away wondering what was going on with me and what the hell I was supposed to make of all of it all. _Jesus Christ, vampirism should come with a fucking manual sometimes. _

"I said that the young woman is only permitted to receive visitors who are direct family at this time." She was clearly getting annoyed with me _- n__ot the only one sweetie. _"But given the circumstances I'm sure her family would like a chance to thank you themselves. Perhaps we could just clear it with the head of Pediatrics first?" _Was this really a question? _

"Follow me." She walked off down the hallway towards the elevators. I trailed obediently behind her because I was in no frame of mind to make independent decisions. I had to steal back control of the situation quickly before things got too far out of hand. _I am the beast here, I am the strong one. _So prove it. 

I threw on my most seductive face, a vile and repulsive trap for the poor defenceless humans, heavy-lidded and confident, sure to elicit her involuntary submission. "Why thank you, I truly appreciate it," I purred steeling the full force of my eyes on her. Her heart sputtered and a thin line of perspiration beaded along the top of her forehead while she feverishly redirected her eyes from mine to the elevator doors as if she could will them to open faster with sheer desperation and thus releasing her from the steel prison. _That'll teach her for getting annoyed with me, ha! I am the strong one, remember? _The elevator doors finally pinged and I followed her out into the hallway. The cramped quarters were crowded with staff, patients, and family all crammed within the small confines of the brightly coloured pediatrics ward. We stopped next to a yellow wall with a mural of a cheerful rainbow painted on it so the receptionist could ask a nurse at the desk something. I pretended not to notice all the eyes on me and instead looked nonchalantly at the photographs of happy children plastered on the walls from some sort of recent benefit carnival. They are people, with families, I reminded myself._ Families who presumably would _not_ appreciate it if I ate them. _Still, my fists curled involuntarily at my sides as I waited. I stood taller, threw my shoulders back and narrowed my gaze. If they were going to stare, I may as well give them something pretty to stare at.

I was entirely aware of how extraordinary my presence in the hallway was with its murals and balloons and forged feelings of comfort. _Maybe I should have worn something slightly less conspicuous, _I noted.As it was, I could hardly do anything about the royal blue silk Chanel mini dress at the time, so I tried to appear confident instead. _I was fairly certain a few of the men in that hallway were having indecent thoughts. _Let them, so was I, although they differed greatly I was sure. I let a sinister sounding chuckle escape through my lips much to my own amusement then cut myself off abruptly. I caught the eye of the nurse with whom the receptionist was speaking and shrugged a bit with a cock of my eyebrow as an obnoxious disregard for my laugh. It didn't matter, though it sounded sinister to me, to them it would surely be all silver and chimes. I started to tap my black above-the-knee Louboutin stiletto boot impatiently and pick a piece of lint off the thigh of my thick black woven tights. _What was that nurse rambling on and on about? Maybe this was a bad idea. I should turn and run. _That thought was decidedly seconded by my still trembling vision and the fact that I had used up the last of my air supply to be snarky to the receptionist in the elevator. _Served me right. _Seriously, what had gotten into me lately?

Just then, the receptionist turned toward me. "So sorry dear, just this way please," she said as she directed us down the hall. "Dr. Masen is there with a patient, we'll just give him a minute to ..."

I didn't know what else she said. I heard nothing after that. The building could have evaporated and I wouldn't have noticed a goddamn fucking thing. _Not a thing except…_ My shaky vision caved in on me at once and my predictable world crashed down burying me in the rubble, mocking all my earlier thoughts with a sinister smile. _Not strong, not enough for this - weak, I am so very fucking weak. _Just watch how weak you are - my earlier thoughts goaded me.

The man to whom the receptionist was gesturing at was standing slightly askew from us. I could just see him in profile 25 feet away, but I may as well have been able to see every inch of him, I already know what every inch of him looked like. It took just a sixteenth of a second for my mind to register the doctor's unique bronze hair, the strong, angled planes of his shoulders and back visible even beneath his white lab coat, his posture and the way he was nodding his head in conversation. I could see the side of his face as his left cheek raised slightly in what I knew was a mind-blowingly beautiful lopsided smile. He was holding a clipboard with x-rays and I gaped disbelievingly at the long, elegant fingers tracing the bones on the sheets as he explained something to his patient; _God I knew those fingers intimately._ I narrowed my hearing in on him, as if I needed further confirmation. _Just run! Get out now, go! _

That's when I heard what was once the most angelic and soothing sound in my entire world. A voice so smooth and confident it could ease my soul in seconds and wrap me in pure contentment. The velvet silkiness was speaking to his patient, "Just a fracture Jeremy but it could have been a lot worse, huh?" I watched as he patted the young boy on the head as he stood next to his mother with his arm in a sling. "Maybe stay out of the trees and on solid ground now?" He joked with the boy, who smiled admiringly up at him. And of course, amid the disaster, my oversized vampire brain _would_ make sure to notice how the kid's young mother seemed to be admiring the good doctor a bit more than I was entirely comfortable with as well. This ignited something deep within me that I could have sworn had died a long time ago along with everything else. Something hot, innate, and _very _carnal. _Don't do it Bella,_ I tried to caution myself, but it was all happening too fast for me to control, I was well beyond sane reasoning by this point.

I found myself to be completely powerless in the matter. The smiling, joking doctor held all my strings again as if I was his defenceless marionette and he didn't even know it yet. _Weak. _I knew I should turn and run and yet I couldn't help it, even though I had no claim on him anymore, I released an instinctive growl, low and territorial, letting it slip threw my clenched teeth as my entire body stiffened. I had to work hard to remind myself not to drop into a defensive crouch. I let out the last huff of air my lungs were clinging to and dragged in a quick breath over my teeth prepared for combat of some sort.

_Honeysuckle. _"Edward." It came out as a frail and haggard whisper, barely louder than my breathing. I stood wholly immobilized, all the fight left me as quickly as it came and I had no idea what to do next. I was struggling to make sense of anything; my emotions, my actions, wondering what _his_ reactions were going to be, _weak or strong, weak or strong, _I had no idea_. _To the surrounding humans all of this unfolded in a matter of seconds, to me it felt like an entire lifetime had played out right before my eyes. A lifetime that was and should have been, one that was not and never would be, and then most surprising of all… the one I realized I was obviously still hoping for. My shaky vision seemed to have taken on a red tinge as it finally collapsed with its full weight on me and the room spun wickedly. I fought to remain standing - he had yet to turn around, I still had time to run. But I was getting dizzy. _Crap, can vampires faint? _Pull it together; I made one last demand of myself before he whirled around.

EPOV

"Just a fracture Jeremy but it could have been a lot worse, huh?" I patted the boy on the head. I was quite fond of the mischievous little thrill-seeking kid. He had been my patient for three years now since I first came to the hospital with Carlisle. He was in a least once a month with some injury or another from his reckless escapades, giving his poor mother an ulcer no doubt. "Maybe stay out of the trees and on solid ground now?" Not a chance. _See you in a few weeks kid-o, _I thought to myself comically. _Maybe bring your dad next time, _I mentally added for my own benefit. I was really beginning to become exasperated by Jeremy's mother who somehow always managed to be in something tight and revealing whenever Jeremy fell into peril. _I wonder if she doesn't push him off a freaking porch just so she can bring him in to see me._ Shameless. She was pretty enough, though certainly nothing to gawk at. Yet oddly, I realized I could hear every mind in the hallway doing exactly that. Males and females alike. Lust and fervent jealousy were suddenly springing up in every mental faculty within my range. _What's going on?_ I allowed my mind to weave in and out of the surrounding thoughts while forcing my face to retain its focus on Jeremy and his mother. There was no way it was all over her. That level of adoration had to be something else entirely. I smiled genially at them while traipsing through the mind's of those near me.

That was when I felt rather than heard the slight vibrations of a low growl emanating from somewhere behind me. _Oh, fuck, _was my initial thought. _Shit! A vampire? In _my_ hospital? _This was beyond bad. _I wish Carlisle were here. How can I fix this without exposing us? _A hundred questions fired through my mind in a seconds passing but before I could so much as react to the growl a voice broke through the clatter and ricocheted through my mind. A voice so hushed I doubted most of the humans even noticed it, yet so full of silver and chimes it confirmed my vampiric suspicions instantly. "Edward." It breathed feebly. It knows me. _What the fuck?_

I whipped my head around faster than should have been humanly possible, my need to know exactly what was transpiring behind me replacing my normal regard for human pretence. In that instant I saw her in the minds of everyone in the hallway as my head spun quickly in the direction of her voice. When my own eyes fell on her it all came together - except that it didn't. Within a millisecond, my mind was inundated with a thousand images, both past and present, of the most glorious creature I had ever laid eyes on. She stood tall and lean in a radiant blue dress, her legs covered in black stockings and boots, dark hair swirling so wildly about her shoulders I wondered how the humans around her ever believed she was one of them and not something feral and fantasy.

_Huh, on a first name basis with the hot young Ped's doctor I see. Figures._ I couldn't help but overhearing the receptionist's thoughts which were caustic as she glared at the female. _She always did know how to capture everyone's attention. _

I locked eyes with the beautiful monster and felt an automatic snarl seep up through my chest. She heard it. Her breathing quickly became more laboured as she clearly started to panic. _What the fuck!? _That was about as eloquent as I could be at that moment, I just couldn't get my mind to reconcile what my eyes were seeing. I felt like I was drowning. My upper lip pulled back slightly over my teeth as every fibre in my body pulsed with rage. _This isn't happening, this doesn't make any sense. _I heard a dull clanking noise at my feet though it sounded as if it were under the water with me. Everything was entirely still and yet wavering precariously at the same time. My mind floundered uncontrollably trying desperately to grasp at something that made any semblance of sense. I realized the noise must have been the clipboard I was holding with Jeremy's arm x-rays as I saw the black sheets sprawl out violently at my feet through Jeremy's mother's eyes. I heard her gasp slightly while Jeremy snickered and it was with great effort that I stole a shred of mental awareness away from the female before me and into their minds to see what caused their reactions. Apparently, my last chain of obscenities hadn't been entirely to myself, I must have muttered a bit under my breath. If I had any reserve of control or shroud of human pretence left in me, I would have turned and apologised to Jeremy's mother for cursing in front of the boy - but I had nothing. Nothing but confusion mingled with rage.I refocused my efforts on the beautiful female. _I refuse to call her by her name, because it is impossible, it can't be. _But of course, it was. Like I could forget that face, that body. _That body! _I know that body. _God I know that body. _The way her lower lip hung appealingly slightly out of proportion with the upper, the thick unruly dark hair offset by her porcelain skin so much whiter than I remembered it, her legs looked a mile long. _Was she in heels? How?_ I had to know.

I flew to the wall where she was frozen in place, jaw noticeably slack, lips parted in disbelief. _What the fuck was _she_ so surprised about? _My anger was all consuming - a blind, white rage that made me want to slam my fists through the painted yellow brick wall behind her. Instead, I steadily placed my palms flush to the wall, arms on either side of her shoulders, elbows locked, careful not to use too much force with the painted concrete bricks, I pinned her in place and drove my eyes into hers while I tried to regain control of the rest of my faculties. Every inch of my body language was indicating extreme hostility but I couldn't bring myself to give a damn about what the witnesses were thinking, though I certainly heard it. My lips involuntarily curled over my teeth and through breathless, furious gasps, I found just enough strength in me to demand one thing from her. "Talk," I rasped in a voice so hoarse and desperate it was barely audible; it sounded like a huff of air. _She heard me._

_How did this happen to you?_

_You were supposed to be safe._

_You were supposed to be _human_!_

Staring back at me, her face mere inches from mine she glowered up at me with big unapologetic eyes. "Reign yourself in Edward you're frightening the humans," she sang so low they would not be able to make out the words. _To hear my name on her lips again... _"You're frightening _me_," she added a little louder knowing that would resonate with me. She knew me. I relaxed my posture ever so slightly. Her eyes bore into mine, smouldering, appealing me to calm down. Mindlessly I reached down and grabbed her wrist with complete disregard. _Doesn't appear that I can break you anymore, does it? _I thought darkly as I drug her down the hall toward my office. I threw open the door with a crash and whipped her by the wrist into the dark room causing her to stumble faintly. _Bella. _

I turned away from her and slammed the heavy door shut, the vertical blinds on the window next to me rattled loudly with an almost deafening taunt, reverberating off the office walls, highlighting the otherwise quiet room. _Still not a peep._ What a stupid, irrelevant thing to take note of at a time like that. I kept my hands pressed flat against the wooden door to keep from using them on her, my breath was coming shallow and quick. I chocked on it. My eyes were squeezed shut and my brows knit together in consternation. I couldn't wrap my head around the last sixty seconds of my life. _What the hell just happened?_

I could feel her behind me, waiting patiently while I collected myself enough to face her. _So patient. Still the same Bella. _Bella. I thought her name for the second time in the last two seconds but this time it lingered in my mind and ripped open my hardened heart with a thousand microscopic splinters. Every wound I'd ever convinced myself was healed, every ache I begged to ignore was suddenly playing at the surface of my consciousness. I felt my eyes prick and I knew that if I could cry I very well may have. _Well thank God for that at least._ I lowered my head and slowly opened my eyes, letting my breathing return to its normal pace. Resigned, I turned cautiously to face her as I flicked on the lights. I was terrified she was really there; _I was terrified it was all just a dream. _

She had moved to the far side of my office and was seated in the large brown leather chair that resided there. I hadn't even heard her moving. _No, I guess I wouldn't. _She sat with her long legs crossed at the knee and her arms resting casually on the armrests, shoulders leaning forward towards me drumming her fingers against the chair. Everything about her demeanour intentionally read smug and inconvenienced, but I knew her better than that. No amount of time could change how well I knew every fibre of this woman. I could read her face like a book and could see that she was apprehensive and even a bit scared. _Nice, I haven't seen her in nearly forty-five years and within seconds I manhandle her violently and horrify her. Real chivalrous Edward. _Fucking monster, I berated myself.

I could hardly keep my composure with the way she sat there looking up at me through those lashes of hers. The monster in me wondered if she had any idea the havoc she was still capable of inflicting on me. Did she know what seeing her sitting there was doing to me, to my heart, to my…_soul?_ I was so conflicted. I wanted wrap her in my arms and whisper comforting things in her ear to calm the look on her face and let her know that she was safe and yet at the same time I would have liked nothing more than to scream furiously and shake her so hard her teeth rattled. _How?_ What is she doing here? How is this possible? What the hell happened to her? _Is she okay, does she still love me; did she know I was here; did she come here on purpose, can she tell I still love her, what does all this mean? _Desire was warring violently with rage beneath the surface of my marble skin, forcing my mind to spin out of control and entertain extraneous thoughts and questions, things that were both hurtful and surprising all the while always acknowledging how wonderful it was to be within arms reach of Bella again. Unfortunately, in the end, the hurt apparently got the best of me and I couldn't resist airing one of my darker thoughts aloud.

"Not about me at all as it turns out," my voice seethed so full of animosity I barely recognised it as my own. "Just after the immortality all along I take it?" _What a disgusting thing to say to her!_ Monster. Rightfully so, she seemed to agree with my self-assessment. I hadn't noticed her moving but suddenly she stood before me, palm striking the side of my face so hard it nearly made _my_ teeth rattle. _Warm and electric still, _I couldn't help but notice. The monster in me rejoiced at this. 

"Asshole," she muttered through clenched teeth and turned gracefully to reclaim her place in my chair. _Graceful? _Despite my chagrin, I felt my right eyebrow rise in amused inquiry at her newfound grace. Bella and graceful were certainly two things I never thought to coexist. _What kind of alternate universe am I trapped in; _do I want to get out?

I did deserve that smack however. I wasn't sure what compelled me to say such a thing, less rage and more pain if I was being honest with myself. But still, h_ow? _My eyes fell to the floor equal parts ashamed with myself and unable to continue with the painful task of looking at Bella as an immortal. _God she's exquisite._ God she's _immortal_.

"What now?" I murmured. Honest and scared. I couldn't bring myself to raise my eyes to meet hers. It was all I could say. _What now indeed?_


	5. Restraint

BPOV

My wrist still felt ignited where Edward's long fingers had encircled it dragging me into what I gathered from the name on the door it to be his office. _Masen... with a fucking 'e,' I should have thought of that. _Yet I was immensely grateful I hadn't. No matter how bad this was going to hurt later - to see him with my own eyes once again, to be this close to him and inhale his intoxicating sweetness... so precious… nothing in the universe could compare to that. I wouldn't have traded a moment of it. I craved him, even still.

_Donottouchhimdonottouchhimdonottouchhim..._

The excruciating chant rang through my head as he pulled me down the hall. My fingers twitched with the very real need to reach out and run them down his back, from the line between his shoulder blades slowly until they met the top of his jeans through his lab coat. Feeling him. Even covered up as much as he was my eyes missed nothing anymore. He was magnificent. Exactly as I remembered him and yet completely different. There was just so much more to look at. I had never seen him with my new eyes. I quickly realized that my meagre and muddled human memories served him no justice whatsoever; he was absolutely beautiful.

_Donottouchhimdonottouchhimdonottouchhim..._

Considering the rate and tenor that my thoughts were travelling this was threatening to become a very tricky evening. After Edward all but tossed me into the room, I crossed the floor of the dark office to place some much-needed distance between him and myself. Oh. My. God. Edward.

_He doesn't want you, not then and not now… _I needed to remind myself before I was buried too deep. _…and he certainly isn't still in love with you so get it together. _I guess my brain was just trying to be helpful - self-preservation. Which to be honest I was _always_ miserable at.

I suppose that was why I found myself crossing the room to where Edward was still shaking noticeably, his back to me, his forehead pressed against the glass of his office door. His palms were flat against the window arms stretched out on either side of him. _Goddamn that is one hell of a sight. _I had to touch him, comfort him, just once, just for a second. Then he would be disgusted by what I was and I would leave - but at least I could take that feeling with me. Carry the memory of feeling Edward under my fingertips one last time, even just for a moment, and have that with me forever. 

_Sit down and stop looking so pathetic._ My self-preservation side attempted to scold me. It was pretty sound advice. I turned and sat in a leather chair as far away from the beautifully outraged creature at the door as the room allowed. I stilled my rampant thoughts and forced an indifferent expression across my tormented face.

Eventually his breathing slowed and he turned hesitantly to face me. I ran my fingers casually over the arms of the chair and crossed my legs at the knee. I begged my facial features to comply just this once and appear confident and inconvenienced rather than the truth - hopeless and on fire. _He'll see through your facade, he always did. _True, my face hid nothing, not to those who knew me. _He knows me. _

Something read briefly across his face. _Anguish? _No, don't Bella. That would be too much to hope for. After the half a second it took for his face to gain composure something else flitted across his features, but this time it stayed there. _Anger? That makes sense; I am everything he despises. _I had to remind myself. Yes, I was the very embodiment of everything that Edward hated. While he never resented Carlisle for turning him but he also never hid his disgust for what he was, _what I now am. _

Then something smooth and velvety broke through my thoughts. God his voice was heaven, I almost forgot how..._Wait, what!?_

"Not about me at all as it turns out. Just after the immortality all along I take it?" _Did he seriously just say that? _Was he the stupidest creature ever to walk the Earth? How… who... I don't even…. Gah! How could he even think that? Maybe he _didn't _know me as well as I thought he did. Maybe he had forgotten all about me. Maybe I didn't know him, I mean, how could he say that to me. Obviously, he _had_ moved on. But still…, damn that stung. Rather than retaliate with the reprising verbal barrage my mind was already rallying with, I flew over to him and settled for a simple slap across his cheek - typical scorned woman style. _Contact – _my weaker half celebrated.

I also may have uttered a slight obscenity, I wasn't sure, every facet of my mind was committed to memorizing the smooth feel of Edward's marble skin beneath my palm. I was so furious at his comment that it came as a huge surprises to find myself noting how incredible it felt to touch him again. I quickly filed that thought away.

I spun on my heel with all the finesse I could manage and glided easily back to my chair and loped my right leg delicately back over my left. I scowled up at him. _What's with that eyebrow, is he amused? I fucking amuse him? _Wonderful. I glared straight into his golden eyes with all the hatred I could muster. _Amusement! I am painfully in love with you, my entire body is falling to pieces with the effort of feigning otherwise, and you insult me then have the audacity to look amused by my suffering! _Maybe he _was_ a fucking monster after all.

Some form of my mental torrent must have read on my face, _not surprising_, because he at least had the dignity to look immediately abashed. Then that other look returned but that time it didn't go anywhere. It _was_ anguish. Well damn, what did that mean? Anguish for what? My falling victim to immortality after all? My being here in his presence? Why should he care if he truly had moved on? _Maybe he lied,_ my weak side crooned optimistically from a dark recess of my mind.Stop it. Christ, I couldn't afford to think things like that. I was barely keeping it together as it was.

It felt like my entire body was humming with anticipation. Anticipation for what I wasn't sure. What could I possibly expect from him, from the horrendous situation? This was _precisely _what I had been diligently trying to avoid for all those years. Now there we were, alone in that tiny room. The scent of him assaulted my senses more than any of the hurtful words he uttered. _What am I going to do? _

"What now," came his weak voice from the other side of the room. Clearly, his thoughts were running parallel with my own. I risked a stolen glance at him only to find that his eyes were cemented to his feet and he truly looked more destitute than I had ever seen anyone look, ever. That ruined my cold heart even further. _What now? God Edward, I wish I knew. _

He looked up at me with eyes that were lost in sadness, the corners of his mouth twitched downward repeatedly. If he were human I would have sworn he was about to burst into tears. _What did that mean? _I had to know now. I launched my shield out to him and pulled back the centre to create a convex shape, drawing him in. I was careful to keep the middle wrapped protectively around my own mind. Unfair yes, but so was his verbal onslaught on me a moment ago so I figured he owed me one.

_Donottouchherdonottouchherdonottouchher…_

You have to be kidding me?

_I _am_ a fucking asshole! How could I say that to her, I know better. It _was _about me, it was always about me. Of course I know that. I remember everything like it was yesterday. How could I forget? I replay all the precious times we shared continuously in my mind. I fucking torment myself with them daily. And look at her. Jesus-God look at her. Never - I have _never _seen anything so ravishing in all my years. What is she thinking, why is she looking at me like that? Argh! Will her mental silence _ever_ cease to frustrate me? Her eyes are so penetrating – they reach my very core. Her eyes are... golden? Golden! Oh thank God for that._

"Of course they're golden Edward." _I couldn't resist._ "Despite what you seem to be thinking I most certainly did _not_ go asking for this life. Ironically enough it found me anyway. Funny how things work out, no? Danger magnet, remember?" I said pointing a humourless finger at my chest. His thoughts had me in a complete flurry. What the hell did he mean with all of that? _Do not touch me? _Is he serious? Fucking yes _touch _me! Touch me _now! _Touch me _everywhere!_

_Priceless, _I noted with my own callous amusement.The absolute shock on Edward's face as his jaw fell, realizing _I_ heard _him _was worth letting him in on the secret of what I could do. I generally kept my shield and all it's capabilities under wraps but this was worth it. He looked more stunned than when I had slapped him. His wide eyes searched mine, probing, looking for something. Something he obviously could not find. He crossed the room cautiously looking desperately taken aback and knelt down in front of me, just to the right of my crossed legs. _Oh fuck, I am so weak for this man. _

He looked up at me from his position of complete surrender with such wide-eyed innocence that I felt instantly remorseful for stealing his private thoughts. _Definitely unfair. _It took every ounce of discipline I had not to reach my hands out and take his pathetic face into my palms. _ He is so beautiful, and he loved me once. Maybe he could..._ No, stop. Bad enough I knew my traitorous face was practically reciting aloud everything my mind was processing. I never understood why it bothered him so much that he couldn't hear me; he might as well be able to.

He searched my eyes; his face just inches from mine looking cold and scared as he knelt before me, resting on his heels. What was probably only seconds seemed like hours as he continued to torture me with his troubled gaze. Moments later, his eyes softened and his heavy lids closed slowly.

"What happened?" His voice cracked at the end of his question and I knew without a doubt that if he could he would indeed be crying. Tears. Tears for what, Edward, what would your tears mean?

Unable to wrap my head around the answer to the very complicated question of what had happened to me, I pushed my shield away from my mind entirely and showed him what he wanted to know. _He deserves this much. _I started to flash through some of my memories, starting with a bit of my embarrassing solitude from after the Cullen's left Forks.

Edward gasped audibly and snapped his eyes back open holding his breath as he stared at me incredulously, stunned at hearing me for the first time. I continued.

Charlie yelling at me for being so dejected. My hike though the woods searching for our meadow in a last ditch effort to convince myself it wasn't all a dream, and that such a glorious creature as Edward had really existed and he had loved me, if only briefly. I showed him Laurent and how I tried pitifully to sweet talk my way out of my predicament. I hurried over the pain and the wolves and the run to Canada and settled on some images of waking and realizing what I was. I showed him Collin and Jennifer and a little from our nomadic lifestyle. My discovery of my shield and toying with it, some of its uses. I even showed him a bit from my previous efforts to avoid anywhere I thought he might be to help him keep up his end of our ancient bargain. He should know I had tried.

I came to an abrupt halt, my shield snapping back suddenly, startled as his head came crashing down hard onto my knee, his chest and shoulders heaving uncontrollably. More tears, or lack thereof._ Ug! I want to comfort you Edward but I have no idea what part of what I just showed you upset you the most._ Even still, I could no longer resist the need to touch him, the ache in my heart was all consuming; swelling and throbbing so much that I would have sworn it had begun to beat again. I reached my right hand out and laced my fingers deep into his hair.

In that instant, my whole body ripped apart. I felt my own eyes pricking and my nostrils flaring as I tried unsuccessfully to restrain my own silent sobs. I bent toward him and he looked up at me, meeting my eyes from an inch away. I had never before seen such raw emotion. It was overwhelming. His eyes were entirely black somehow, despite just being golden brown a few moments ago, and the unbearable sadness emanating from them destroyed my heart all over again. _Pieces, I am in a million jagged pieces. I thought I was broken before, I will never forget the heartache that lay in those eyes. _It appeared he was struggling to find words for what he was feeling. _I understand more than you know, Edward. _His breathing was quick through his clenched teeth. Whatever he was trying to hold back he was failing miserably at it. I resisted the urge to see for myself. _I can grant him that much at least, this time anyway. _

"Bella." He broke as his breathing turned into desperate pants and his face continued to twitch. He squeezed his eyes shut so tight it looked like he may have trouble opening them again when he was ready. He reached his hands up to my chair and closed his fingers securely around my hips. A gentle tug was all it took to bring me down to the floor with him practically on his lap. He threw his arms around me with more force than he had ever dared to use in the past and held me tight, close to his heaving, sobbing chest. He tucked my head under his chin and held on for his life, resting his cheek on the top of my head, still shaking with the tears that would never come. "Bella... oh God... Bella...," he murmured into my hair repeatedly.

I wasn't so obstinate that I couldn't admit to myself how unbelievable it felt to be in Edward's arms again. It quickly placed a moratorium on the pain I had been carrying with me for so long I almost forgot what it was like to not feel the weight of its burden. I was so caught up in his emotions that I didn't think for once; I just acted. I moved my hands slowly up his back feeling every muscle stretch and pull as he held me close and shook with his sobs. I brought my hands to rest on his shoulders and curled myself tighter into him. My fingers draped over his shoulders and gripped near his collarbone so hard it should have hurt. _Not as bad as the turmoil inside. _

"Edward, I am so sorry," I whispered, because it was true. Sorry for what exactly I was not sure. But sorry all the same. Sorry I was there catching both of us off guard, sorry I was in the meadow that day, sorry he ever left, sorry I couldn't stop loving him, sorry I never really tried.

"You have nothing to be sorry for love," he murmured softly in my ear. His lips were lying close enough to me that I could feel his warm, sweet breath flutter against my skin. "Nothing at all. I am the one who is sorry. I should have been there, I could have protected you. I _should_ have protected you," he growled quietly. The remorse in his voice was painful.

"You didn't owe me anything Edward. There was no reason to stay, I never blamed you."

"No reason to stay...?" He trailed off pulling back just slightly so he could look at me. I looked up at him to find his eyes pleading with mine. What was I missing, what was he pleading for? _Anything, you can have anything. _Everything._ Take whatever you want it's always been yours anyway. _He brought his palms to my face and cupped my jaw line firmly, pressing his thumbs possessively into my cheekbones as the pads of his fingertips dug into the base of my neck, never allowing his eyes to lose their unrelenting grip on mine. "You really are extraordinarily thick when you want to be, Bella," he scoffed. _Thick? So bring me up to speed for crying out loud. _"It's very annoying," he teased as he used one of his thumbs to brush aside a stray strand of my wild hair off my cheek. _He's t__easing me now? I can't keep up with this rollercoaster of emotion we seem to be stuck on. _I felt dizzy and confused not for the first time that night. _Likely not for the last either, _my mind offered. Helpful. Focus. What did he mean?

I gave up. I closed my eyes both so I could focus better and to stop myself from launching into another tearless bawl. At the same time, I realized I was effortlessly sinking into him, resting the entire weight of my head into his adoring palms and melting further against his body. I sighed contentedly. _Total confusion. _I shoved my shield away again so he could sample the commotion in my head.

_I don't get it, you left, you said you moved on, you were tired of me, I wasn't good for you. You said these things did you not? What the hell, Edward. I...I... _

God even my thoughts were blubbering, fantastic. I tried again. _What was I supposed to do? I've been in agony Edward. I don't... I wouldn't have been able to... I can't now... Fuck! Just... let me go. _

I squirmed to release myself from his grasp, thoroughly mortified at my revelations. Worse yet, I knew the pitiful layer of pleading that was woven behind my main thoughts. _Love me, want me, need me, say you're sorry, say you never meant it. Feel the same way about me that I've never stopped feeling about you. God your touch is amazing. Keep touching me. Never stop. _He heard it all.

Embarrassing, I needed to get out of there. With my shield snug in its home around my mind, I placed my hands on his chest for leverage to lift myself onto my shaking feet. In a quick reflex motion, he wrapped his fingers tightly around my wrists and shook his head no while boring his eyes into mine. He was at a loss for words. Odd, Edward was never discomposed before. Come to think of it, I had never before seen him so distraught. It made him appear exposed and vulnerable. Innocent and desperate. A complete reflection of myself at that moment. _What does _that _mean? _I searched his eyes for a reason as to why he would stop me from getting to my feet. All I found was more pleading. I stared at his hands wrapped securely around my wrists, restraining me against him.

"I don't know what you want from me," I confessed. Raw. Honest. Desperate.

His lips parted slowly, thinking, just as he was about to reply instead he released his left hand from my wrist and pulled his blackberry from his pocket. I noticed the light flashing. He briefly glanced at the screen then swiftly returned it with what appeared to be a look of relief on his face. _Alice? _I wondered. He looked back to me and sighed still holding my one wrist. His face broke awkwardly into my favourite lopsided smile, but more unsure than I had even seen it look. His eyes were still troubled. 

"Come home with me Bella." It wasn't a question. 


	6. Touch Me

EPOV

"I don't know what you want from me," she confessed in a voice so soft and raw it tore my heart in half. _Really? Because I can think of a thousand things I want from you right now. _Talk with me, trust me, believe in me, stay in my arms, keep your fingers twisted in my hair, tell me how much you love me and that it's only _ever_ been me, let me touch you, let me make love to you, let me worship you, stay with me now, always...

My phone vibrated in my pocket, interrupting my silent ramblings. _That can only be one person right now. _I grabbed it and quickly glanced at the screen, not wishing to detract a single iota of my focus from Bella. _Alice, of course. _Her text message read simply, "Whoa!? Whoops, ur good to go. So Sry." _Least you could do, Al. _

Thinking of all the things I wanted from Bella, all the things I had to say, the air we had to clear, the best place to start would be to bring her home, _where she belonged._ Thanks to Alice, it looked as if that was a safe option. _Alice…_ God she must be splitting at the seams with anticipation. She missed Bella almost as much as I had. They all did.

"Come home with me, Bella." The tone of my voice left no room for negotiation. Let her interpret my words as she wished, she would still come.

I wrapped my hands around her waist, edged her the rest of the way off my lap, and stood cautiously. She remained there for a long moment on her knees at my feet looking off into the distance, evidently deep in thought. _God, what I wouldn't give to be able to hear her! _I felt the familiar pang of frustration at her silence. She looked weary and nervous. Perhaps the suggestion to come home with me was a bit too forward. I supposed technically it was, but… this was Bella, _my Bella. _

Yes! I silently agreed for the first time in decades with my inner thoughts. Dammit, she _is_ my Bella, or at least she was sitting there before me, and I was willing to spend every second of forever trying to make her my Bella once again if that was what it took.

Just then, she looked sharply up at me and nibbled on her lower lip, coming out of her reverie. I may not have been able to hear her, but I knew she was searching my face for some sort of confirmation. _You have no idea how desperately I want you. _"Please," I spoke in a soft, rough voice that I barely recognised, thick with emotion. I nodded slightly and held my hand out to her. Miraculously, she returned my nod, placed her small hand in mine, and let me pull her to her feet. At that exact moment, I could have happily wept for hours on end. _You _will_ be my Bella again, no question about that. _

I made a hasty deal with myself that I was not going to over-analyze my actions with Bella, nor hers with me for that matter. I was just going to act from instinct, _and love, _and do whatever felt natural. _Loving Bella was the purest thing I had ever done._ I could do it again. 

I opened the door to my office and began to lead the way, with Bella so close behind me. I could feel the vibrations rolling off her body. Suddenly, another wave of emotion washed over me. I placed a hand on the doorjamb to steady myself. I was too afraid to turn and look at Bella for fear she would misinterpret my hesitation. I should have known better than to discredit her intuition in that way. She had always been acutely aware of my every need, and this was no exception. She placed her hand on my right shoulder so that her fingertips grazed the side of my neck. She gave my shoulder a small squeeze, and ran her thumb along the base of my neck; speaking volumes more with a single action than either of us would have been able to articulate with words. I let my head relax backward in contentment at her unexpected touch while I regained my composure. _She is with me, _I reassured myself. _She will follow me. _The selflessness of her gesture gave me the confidence to keep walking.

I led her back down the hall toward the elevators that went to the parking garage, stopping briefly at the reception to inform them I was leaving. We walked in uncertain silence, both unsure of what to say to one another. _Not as if I can't think of anything to say to you, but what exactly do you want to hear from me? _The magnitude of the situation really was insurmountable. Where would we even begin?

Once we were in the garage, I led the way toward my Gallardo. I pressed the button to disarm the alarm and its lights welcomed us from my parking space across the lot. As I did so, I heard Bella snort under her breath while taking in my Italian beauty in all its gunmetal-grey glory.

"What?" I leered over at her, offended by her dismissal of my beloved Lamborghini. _Come on, do you have any idea how unbelievable this car is? Tops out at over 325 kilometres an hour._ Surely, even someone as anti-auto as Bella could appreciate this machine.

"Nothing," she scoffed. "I guess you've always like things that go fast, hmm?" She looked at me with loaded eyes. _What? Did she just wink at me? I don't get it._

"Just get in." Seriously, what else was there to say to her?_ I love you, I want you, I'd like to take you right there on the passenger seat and show you how great this car can really be - I don't care that there are people around, there would be nothing left of that dress when I was done with you. _

I held the door open for her.

"Thank you." She stopped just before sliding into the car to give me a wry look. Her heavy lids spoke volumes, but in a language I didn't understand.

_Shit! _Would I be able to tell when she was listening in on my thoughts? I panicked recalling my most recent indecencies. The irony would have been comical had it not been so terrifying.

Driving away from the hospital, I wasn't exactly sure what to say to her or how to prepare either of us for what lay ahead. Hell, _I_ didn't _know w_hat lay ahead. I wanted desperately to know the direction of her thoughts and every detail in between. Just as I started to open my mouth to ask her what she was thinking, she pulled out her cell phone and quickly jammed at the keys. It looked like she was text messaging someone, but I didn't want to seem intrusive, so I didn't ask. It was killing me. _Is there someone you are accountable to? _I abandoned the idea of asking her anything - maybe I didn't really want to know her answers. _Coward. _Absolutely.

We drove in more silence for a while, awkward and slightly uncomfortable, as I kept my gaze straight ahead, fingers gripped firmly around the wheel. The silence was nothing like the many companionable moments we had shared in the past when we were peacefully at ease with one another. Instead, it was loaded and disheartening.

"Bella."

"Edward." We began at the same time, neither of us able to tolerate the thick air any longer.

"Go ahead," I selfishly granted her. _I'd love to know what you are thinking right now. _

"No… it's fine… what?" She glanced sideways at me, pleading for me to go first. Ever the gentleman, I relented.

"Yeah, uhm… I was just going to say that they know. My family I mean… er... Alice, she..." I sighed heavily. This was agonizing! "I'm sure she's told them all by now. Just so you know… you shouldn't worry. I know they will all be incredibly excited to see you again."

What the hell was wrong with me? I was fumbling all over my words and barely managing to string together coherent sentences. Not to mention that whatever was sputtering nonsensically out of my mouth was utterly preposterous and nothing at all like the truth brewing just below the surface, begging to be released. All the things I truly wanted to say to her, I wasn't sure I could… not yet, maybe not ever. After all, they might not be things she wanted to hear. I had to brace myself for that possibility. I would not burden her unnecessarily with my problems.

"Thanks." Her innocent and endearing voice brought me back to the quiet car. I stole a glance at her and wanted so much to smooth my hand over her hair and press my palm to her cheek. I pulled to a slow stop in front of the house, giving her time to prepare for the onslaught that would surely be my family's "welcoming." _They will mean well, but they must be equally overwhelmed by the idea of Bella as an immortal. _

We sat in the driveway with the engine off, silent for what felt remarkably like days. I closed my fist around the keys I was fiddling nervously with, and turned urgently to face Bella.

"Can I ask you a question?" Though the words were quiet, they echoed loudly in the still car. I swallowed thickly. "Why did you not come for me?" God, could she tell I was nearly weeping? _How embarrassing. _I had to find a way to get a grip on my emotions, before I overwhelmed her completely. Yet, Bella was the only woman I had ever loved, and there she was next to me. An immortal, despite all the hell I had put us through to avoid precisely that. _Well, not much you can do now but enjoy. _Helpful.

Bella was staring distractedly out her window with her head in her hands. Her jaw was set and she looked stubborn. I knew her well enough to know that was exactly what she was. She had no intention of answering that particular question, for whatever reason. Not just yet anyway.

"Answer me, please." I tried to soften my tone as much as possible, but the venom seeped through. I was desperate, hurt and hopeful - a wicked combination for a vampire like myself. Bella continued to stare out the window as if I hadn't spoken. That fanned the flames of hurt. Did I not deserve an explanation?

"Answer. Me." I drew each word out demanding her attention. She needed to answer me because I had to know. _How complacent should I allow myself to get here?_

She whipped her head toward me, and like so many times before, I found myself lost in the depths of her eyes. I tried to resurface, to focus; she was answering me just as I had asked her to. _Shit, what? _

"You didn't want me; you didn't want me... to... I believed that you didn't want me… at all." _Is she for real? _It blew my mind to think that she actually bought everything I tried to preach to her that night outside her house. After all the times I told her I loved her, that I couldn't live without her, that she was my entire world, and in one foul swoop she let me take it all back. The ancient pain bubbled to the surface. It never made any sense, how could she have ever loved me, truly known me, and yet, thought me capable of such a cruel thing?

I realised that I had left our earlier conversation hanging after Alice's message interrupted us in my office. Did she truly still believe everything I told her in the woods? Did she not know that was the most painful thing I had ever endured? _Nothing has ever hurt as bad as that moment. _I had to make her understand.

"Bella, that day… Dammit,… I lied," I hissed.

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I kinda get that now. Thanks."

"What?" Unbelievable. No long drawn out explanation? I gaped incredulously at her while my head involuntarily shook side to side in disbelief.

"I didn't say I thought it was a great idea, Edward" she continued. "It was selfish and you're an ass for doing it. But I have lived like this for over 40 years, and I have a bit of perspective now."

_ Astonishing. _She always reacted the polar opposite way of what I expected. Truly one of a kind, my Bella.And I could live with her assessment of me. She was right, I was an ass. She turned to stare out at the darkness some more. After a moment, she went on.

"Still, you should have trusted me with the truth." She faced me with an unyielding look on her face. "You will never lie to me again, Cullen. Agreed? There's no need." Her eyes melted into mine, and the meaning behind her words was crystal clear. _She obviously plans on sticking around._ My heart sang. I nodded obediently and meant it. _She deserves better,_ I thought to myself, praying she wasn't listening. I sighed and closed my eyes for a second before I spoke again, not sure what truth to start with.

"They heard us drive up." Like the coward that I was, I settled for the easiest. "They're all losing their minds trying to be patient. I would know." I raised an eyebrow making light of the pandemonium just five people could create inside my head.

Truthfully, I was also trying to usher us out of the confines of the small car, away from the heavy emotions and off the centre stage for a moment. I needed to breathe in something other than strawberries and freesia, to look at something other than the embodiment of everything I had ever loved and lost, _and maybe still have_. I tried not to get too far ahead of myself.

She nodded, opened her door and stepped out. She made her way toward the house at a cautious human pace, clearly uneasy. _I can't begin to imagine what she might be thinking._ _Obviously,_ I scoffed at myself.

As I watched her walk with trepidation, I had to remind myself that she was not the "old" Bella. This was not forty-five years ago, and she was not mine to worry about or to comfort. Even still, I flew over to her, hoping that just by walking beside her I could convey I was there for support if she needed me, and even if she didn't. We took the five steps up the porch slowly, both apprehensive. I noticed she was taking repeated deep breaths as if she needed them to steady herself.

"I'll try to keep them under control," I joked, wanting to help ease her nerves.

"Huh… oh, thanks," she whispered distractedly, looking up at me. _Anything. _

Without thinking, I placed my right hand lightly on the small of her back and pressed my fingertips gently into her as I opened the front door and guided us into the house. I realized my faux pas as we walked through the foyer, and I saw us approaching through my family's eyes, me with my arm around her. _Oops. _I wasn't exactly sure how to remedy it though, so I left my hand where it was. _Suits me just fine. _

Alice was the first to visibly react. She was bouncing in her seat on the couch, literally jumping for joy as we stepped down into the living room.

_BellaBellaBellaBellaBella…Wait…Bella in Chanel…? _Ha. Classic Alice. I snickered quietly at her thoughts, and Bella looked back at me to see what I was laughing at. I smiled and nodded with a raised eyebrow at Alice who was smiling and bouncing so haphazardly I thought she might actually injure my mother sitting next to her. Her best friend was back, and she was over the moon. It warmed my heart to see my sister so happy. Funny how Bella could effortlessly have that effect on so many of us. Bella caught sight of Alice and gave her a breathtakingly genuine smile. _Her best friend as well, _I noted. I hoped that the sight of Alice made her equally as happy. _She deserves to be happy_.

I noticed as I scanned the room, taking note of the few missing bodies, that Carlisle was the only one _not _looking at Bella. Instead, his eyes were glued to mine trying to gauge how I was coping with the unexpected turn of events. His thoughts were directed right at me.

_Oh, Edward, are you okay? Was there a very big scene at the hospital? I do not envy your position right now. This must be incredibly difficult. Though, she certainly looks rather lovely, doesn't she? Have you talked yet? What are you going to do? _I'll let you know when I figure that out for myself, I thought darkly. I rolled my eyes at him. He nodded in comprehension.

Esme was, well… Esme. What else did I expect? Sensitive and endearing as always. She glanced meaningfully back and forth between Bella and me with an overjoyed expression - practically envisioning wedding venues in her mind. I made a point to smile warmly at her.Esme had always been the heart of our family, and she was truly hoping this little revelation would work out for the best for me, _for us all. _

I was thoroughly impressed; my whole family was on their best behaviour, trying to allot Bella some space to process everything. I appreciated it. Knowing Bella, so did she.

I enjoyed seeing them all so happy again. _They missed her, too._ In that moment, I realized exactly how selfish it was for me to prevent them any mention of Bella all this time. It wasn't just me that ached for her and that felt the loss when we left. She was a part of this family, she always had been. _Always will be? _I tried again to rein in my thoughts.

_ Where were the others,_ I wondered to myself but glanced in Alice's direction trying to convey my question without words.

She met my eyes briefly. _Gone. _She answered, knowing the only thing I'd be thinking. _Emmett and Jazz are still here though. They'll be down in five...four..._

Just then, Bella seemed to realize that I was still holding her tight to my side with my hand pressed into her lower back, my fingers kneading unconsciously into her spine. She turned and raised an eyebrow at me. In a blurry movement, she whacked my hand off her, and an uproarious laughter came billowing down the staircase behind us. Emmett came bounding down the steps toward the living room with Jasper right behind him. They made their way to where we were all standing in silence, sort of. Only I could hear the bedlam that was their firing squad of questions aimed directly at me. Did they actually think I had any answers?_ We are all on the same blank page here people._

"Yeeees!" Emmett roared loudly, as he whirled to the front of us. "Get 'em, Bells! Thank God, she's still hilarious!"

_Thanks Em, glad to know whose side you're on here, bro,_ I thought sarcastically and shot him a snarled look.Bella likewise directed a look of death over at Emmett. He responded the only way Emmett knows how - with a big goofy grin and a bear hug as he approached her.

"Glad to have you back, little sis," he said as he ruffled her hair. He meant it. _He is nothing if not genuine. _She winked at him.

"Bella," Carlisle finally directed his attention to her. "He speaks for all of us. I cannot tell you what it means to see you again. We are all so pleased, even if the circumstances are, well..." he shot a worried glance in my direction, afraid he had upset me. "I just can't say enough how thoroughly we all missed you. Welcome home, Bella."

Home?! Did he really just say that? _Way to not overwhelm her Carlisle, geez. _I looked to Bella to see what reaction if any she would have to Carlisle's less than subtle words. She appeared sincerely touched and not at all cornered as she smiled bashfully up at him. _Thank God. This is your home, love, you should know that._

Jasper, who had moved to stand behind Alice on the other side of the couch out of old instinct, smiled sincerely at Bella and said, "It's very nice to see you again, Bella. You look wonderful." I felt bad for the guy; the overwhelming emotions in this room must be nearly unbearable.

I gave him a nod to let him know I appreciated the situation from his perspective and how much it meant that he was there to show his support. Misinterpreting my nod of encouragement, he re-directed his thoughts at me. _Edward, she is unbelievable. I think she was made for immortality. Just look at how well it agrees with her. Fuck, she is breathtaking. _Despite myself, I couldn't refrain from letting a small smile spread across my face at Jazz saying "fuck." It was so out of character for him to display that much emotion directly. Not that I could fault him; Bella was exceptional. 

_ "_Uh…" Emmett started awkwardly. "Rose says 'hi'. She just left to go hunting." _Dude, that sounded so forced. _I winced noticeably_._

Bella called his bluff and rolled her eyes at him. "She went out by herself?" she asked confused, noting that other than Rose, my whole family was present in the room. The woman missed nothing, _shit. _

"Of course not. She's with a friend who's in town visiting." Alice bailed me out, still beaming at Bella. _You're welcome, Edward, _she shot silently at me without as much as a glance in my direction. I owed her one.

Unable to restrain herself any longer, she pranced over and wrapped her tiny arms around Bella. "Chanel, Bella? I couldn't be more proud!" She giggled and scrunched her nose as she smiled widely, grasping Bella by the shoulders and pushing her back so she could take a good look at her. She tapped Bella's boot with her toe and gasped. "I think I'm in love. Those better be my size." _Yikes, Edward. She's magnificent, and just look at what she is wearing. Rawr! _she silently directed at me.For the love of God, can these people not think of anything else? Like I hadn't already noticed…

Thankfully, Al and I were very good at our silent exchanges, so no one noticed the way I was suddenly leering at Bella. Uncomfortable under Alice's scrutiny, she bit her lip and looked embarrassed. I gritted my teeth in preparation for the lure that would be her blush, except it never came. Oh, right – vampire. _It was easy to forget. _

"Bella, sweetheart? Please, come sit down." Esme's voice rang out tender and sincere as she patted the space next to her on the sofa. Bella smiled at her and obligingly made her way over. She looked awkward, but not the way she had when she was human. More like she felt self-conscious and out of place.

_How absurd. _Never mind what she felt for me, this was her family, and dammit, they adored her. She should feel secure here_. _

"Please honey, everything will be okay now," Esme assured her. She wrapped her arm around Bella's shoulder and gave her a comforting, motherly embrace. She kissed her forehead gently as she pulled away. "Will you please tell us what happened and what you've been up to all this time? We have missed you so much."

Bella looked around the room at the expectant eyes and let out a slow, laboured sigh. She nodded, but her eyes fell on mine. She narrowed them at me, warning me that reliving her reality twice in one night might be more than I was capable of handling. It astounded me how well she understood me, even still.

"Yeah… I'm sorry but I can't sit through this a second time," I surrendered, backing toward the staircase. "When you're done catching up with them, please come find me. I'll be upstairs." I gave her the most encouraging smile I could force my face into. I was acutely aware that we held one another's gaze much longer than we should have, drawing unnecessary attention to our awkward, yet endearing moment. _Like they weren't already scrutinizing our every move._

I broke free from her eyes and climbed swiftly up the stairs. I marched through the door of my bedroom and over to the black leather couch that rest against the far wall. I grabbed the remote to my stereo and hit play. Debussy – perfect - it was timeless and emotional. I sunk heavily into the seat and slumped my head in my hands, elbows balancing on my knees.

I couldn't be sure how long I sat there, or what precisely ran through my mind the whole time, but soon there was a hesitant tap at the door. Bella poked her head around the corner and smiled shyly at me. The mere sight of her did inexplicable things to me.

In an instant, she registered my position on the couch. I felt her rake her eyes over me, noticing the haggard way my head hung into my palms, gripping my hair and making a complete mess of it. She knew this look. This was my pensive and troubled look. _I was brooding. _And she was going to try to pull me out of it.

"I really missed them," she sighed, leaning wearily against my door frame. She glanced downstairs to where my family was still convened and looked as if she might cry. My knee-jerk reaction was to dash across the length of the room and surround her in my arms. To hold her tight to my chest and convey all the safety and love I had to offer her. _My old knee-jerk reaction._ I wasn't sure how something like that would be received anymore. She was so much the same, and yet so different.

"I know," I offered. Lame and insufficient, but what else could I say? "They _really_ missed you, too. More than you know, Bella." My eyes shot to the floor in a desperate attempt to hide the fact that I was no longer talking about them. "More than I should ever confess to..." I mumbled, so quietly I barely heard it myself… forgetting that she could hear much better now than in her previous life. Shit, that was going to take some getting used to. _Nice one, Edward. Not obvious at all. _Fool_. _

She glided over to me, but stopped just short of the couch. I looked up to meet her questioning eyes; she was waiting for my permission before she sat next to me. I nodded faintly. She smiled a very small smile and sat.

"Bella, I don't…" I swallowed audibly, "I'm not sure what you want me to..." I trailed off weakly and ran my hand through my hair, letting out a deep breath. Argh! _What am I trying to say? _

My hair must have been a complete wreck after hours of pulling at it, because she smirked at me and laughed softly. She raised her hand to my head, and delicately twined a chunk of hair between her middle and forefinger, returning it somewhere more appropriate. She lightly swept her fingers over my forehead as she did so. My eyes closed heavily in an auto response to her touch. A low, contented rumble rolled in my chest. _Purring. _As she lowered her hand toward her lap, she hesitantly ran the backs of her fingers across my cheekbone. Her eyes were trained on mine, testing me, challenging me. _What exactly are you daring me to do here, Bella? You have no idea how fantastic that feels. I wouldn't stop you if you begged me. _My whole cheek flamed with the trail of her touch. So simple, yet so powerful. Like a drug. I needed more.

As her hand pulled further away, I ran out of satisfactory reasons to control myself any longer. I was aching to touch her. I reached out and wrapped my hand around hers. Not thinking, just going off instinct._ Please let this take me somewhere good for once. _I closed my fingers tightly around her small fist, and rubbed my thumb over the tops of her knuckles. I stared meaningfully into her eyes, trying desperately to convey everything I could not manage with words. Words were failing me. They had been failing me the whole night. There was so much to say, everything was fighting for priority in my head so that nothing was able to come out. I felt my breathing speed up. _I am an idiot. How many times had I prayed for a moment exactly like this? _And there it was, sitting gift-wrapped in blue silk right next to me, and I was drawing a complete blank. _Real smooth. _

"Edward," she breathed, looking into my eyes. _Yes, love? _I didn't say anything, but noticed that she glanced down at our hands. _Shit, did she wish I hadn't touched her? _But she touched me first._ Go with your instincts._

I wet my lips and stared into her eyes, begging for something. Permission, maybe? Whatever I was looking for, I was not sure I saw it, nor did I see any opposition. I had to touch her some more, and I was sure she would let me. I was desperate to feel our lips connected once again. _Go with your instincts. _

I brought my other hand slowly up and cupped it around her cheek. Every inch I moved was slow and deliberate, so that at any point she was free to stop me. _What is she thinking? _My eyes never left hers. Challenging. Petitioning. Craving. I rested my fingers just below her jaw, at the base of her ear and on her neck. I let my thumb trace over her upper lip, and then come to rest on her lower one, causing them to part slightly. _Invitingly. _I used the fingers that were positioned under her jaw to pull faintly, drawing her closer to me.

_How many times have I kissed this woman? _Thousands, millions?Yet, I had never been so nervous, not even the first time I allowed myself to steal a quick kiss from her human lips. No, because this was not a quick kiss that I was after. There was no more innocence to preserve. This time, I wanted to claim her. I wanted to lay her out on the couch and own every inch of her. Show her everything that I could not find it in me to say. Make love to her so thoroughly that she would have no doubt I had never stopped loving her. That I would always love her. To have her over and over again because I _could. _Hear my name trembling on her lips as she gasped and panted and clawed at me. In her. Part of her. Owning her. _Mine, mine, mine… forever. _

I released my hand from hers and brought it up to grip the other side of her face and neck. My fingers laced into her hair, and I tugged forward, forcing her closer. _Slower Edward, _I warned myself. I was lucky she hadn't stopped me yet. _Let's not push it. _However, it was getting harder and harder to reign myself in. All I wanted to do was consume her. _God, I love her. _

I searched her eyes. What was she thinking, how was she feeling, was she okay with me touching her? Her facial features looked soft and resigned. But there was something more behind her heavy lids. As I held her face firmly between my palms, she looked into my eyes, and there was no denying the longing that was there.

I relied too heavily on my extra senses. "Let me hear you," I begged, in a soft whisper into her ear. I let my lips linger and gave her earlobe a delicate suck, the way I remembered she liked. As a reward, when I pulled back an inch to look at her, something shifted somewhere in the depths of her eyes, and suddenly I could hear everything. I knew that had to be very uncomfortable for a shield such as Bella to reveal and expose herself in that way. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I silently thanked her for trusting me enough to become so vulnerable in my presence.

Bella had the most beautiful mind. Complex and layered. Genuine and modest. Timid, yet assured.

_ Kiss me, oh God, please, Edward. _Her thoughts came at me. _I need to feel your lips on mine again. _She closed her eyes and bit into her bottom lip with enough force that I half expected her to bleed.

I drew her even closer, nearly touching, and inhaled her deeply. I reveled in the sweet, exhilarating, scorch-free scent. I rubbed my thumb over her lower lip where she had bitten down, smoothing out the indentations her teeth left behind.

Her thoughts streamed freely through my mind. _Now or never Edward, do it. Kiss me. Use me. God, I don't care what you do, just do something. I love you, I'm sorry, but I do. I love you. I have always loved you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry... _A feeble whimper escaped her and she squeezed her eyes shut. 

I leaned into her and pressed my lips against her ear, still holding her face firmly in my grips. "Stop saying you're sorry," I whispered, my lips brushing over her ear as I spoke. When I finished speaking, I placed a warm kiss over the top of her ear, breathing heavily into her. Then, another on her earlobe, biting down just enough that she could feel my teeth gently pinch her skin. She hissed full of lust, and it was heaven to my ears. I took it as encouragement. That and the steady loop of "o_hgodohgodohgod"_ and "y_esyesyesyes"_ that skated drunkenly through her mind.

Other than her chest heaving with the force of her laboured breathing, Bella had remained perfectly still beside me. Suddenly, she reached both hands up and threw them into my hair, tangling her fingers and pulling me closer into her.

"Oh, Bella," I moaned into her ear. I pulled back a little so I could better look at her. _Exquisite. _"So beautiful." It was hardly audible.

It was as if no time at all had passed, and yet centuries of understanding had flooded our consciousness. I loved her more in that moment, than I had ever loved her. More than I ever thought I could love another. More than I ever dared to hope for. Only, it was different now - a more mature love. A love that knew the pain of loss. A love that would do anything to never feel that pain again. A damaged, hesitant and enlightened love. A stronger love.

I drew her into me at glacial speed, until our lips rest against each other's. Breathing in one another's breath, but not yet taking any liberties. Every muscle in my body twitched with longing. I held her in between my hands tight. My nose brushed against hers as I nuzzled closer into her, dragging my lips across hers, not quite kissing, just grazing. Breathing, panting, yearning. Preparing for a moment I thought was lost to me forever.

I opened and closed my lips around hers so lightly it was just a trace, still not a kiss. Her icy breath raced over my lips. _Feels warm and amazing to me. _Finally, I wrapped my mouth around her lower lip and kissed her with all the restraint and tenderness I could muster. _Worship her, _I reminded myself. Something hot and sharp brewed inside me. It raced upward and through me, filling me. I drew her lip softly into my mouth and ran my tongue along it intimately. She tasted amazing. She whimpered. 

Her threaded fingers yanked down on my hair so hard I groaned into her mouth. I stopped my gentle kisses and looked up at her. _Well, why in the hell am I being so careful then? _ I fucking love it when she pulls my hair like that. Her beautiful eyes were growing darker by the second. Black with lust. _She wants me as badly as I want her. _Need her. _Take her!_

A hungry growl clawed its way up my chest. She responded with blacker eyes and a firm bite on her lower lip as she pulled back to look at me. _Don't restrain yourself on my behalf, Bella. _Her breathing picked up tenfold, parallel with my need to have her. I reached over and gripped her hips eagerly, lifting her onto me. She anticipated my intentions, and graciously complied by opening her legs enough to straddle my lap. She tightened her grip in my hair and pulled me to her, with her forearms pressed against my shoulder blades.

It was an indescribable feeling, after all the time that had passed, all the pain and loss, to actually hold her again. Only this time, there was no need for physical restraint. A fact that was not lost on me.

_God, I need her! _I used my grip on her hips to pull her into me at a steady rhythm, while I brought my hips up to meet her in a desperate attempt to bring us as hard and close as possible. _Now! Need. You. Now. _I pressed urgent kisses on and around her mouth, alternating between kissing and nibbling. _My teeth pose no threat to you now. _

She let out a long pleading whimper that made me stop dead in my tracks. _Fuck that's hot. _I made a mental note to do whatever it took to hear more of that heavenly noise. I moved open-mouthed kisses along her jaw. I brought one hand up and clenched it over her chin, my fingers digging into one side of her face, my thumb on the other side. I pushed her head back and at an angle to gain better access to her throat, a luxury I never allowed myself before.

Kissing and nipping my way to her collarbone, I moved my other hand from her hip, slowly up the length of her body. I stopped near her breasts, spreading my hand out on her back to pull her in closer, tighter, harder against me. _Now!_ I couldn't resist any longer, yet I wanted desperately to savour the moment. I bit down on her shoulder and was rewarded with my new favourite noise, as she wrapped herself around me even further. She locked her ankles behind my back and used her legs to pull me with desperation into her further.

I slid both my hands to the hem of her dress that was now bunched at her hips. As she sat kneeling over top of me, I pushed it up, not bothering to wait for permission this time. Her frantic hands left my hair, and I felt the loss immediately. I didn't mourn for long, though, as she tore at the back of my shirt, literally shredding it in her haste to get it off me. _I can help you with that. _I reached my right hand over my shoulder, dug my fist into the fabric, and yanked my shirt up over my head in one quick movement. I gave my arm a shake, and the shirt fell obediently to the floor. I returned to placing fervent kisses on every inch of her gloriously pale, exposed skin. She was pressed against me, and a fire ignited where we met. _This woman is going to be the death of me, one way or another._ I moulded my palms to the band of bare skin around her middle and reveled in feeling so much of my Bella for the first time. As carnal as the moment was, underneath it all, nothing had ever come more naturally. There was no innate instinct more hard-wired to my very being than loving Isabella. In so many ways, it was the easiest thing I had ever done.

It had been a while since I had heard any thoughts from Bella. Her shield must have snapped back when her thoughts became otherwise engaged. _Fine by me. _I didn't need to hear her mind to know what she was thinking. She was making herself perfectly clear with the way she drove her hips into me and moaned with emphatic passion. She had one hand still embedded in my tousled hair, _because she knows what I like, _while the other lay flat against my bare chest. She was murmuring my name under her breath, in between kisses, and the sound of my name in her hungry voice left me in shambles.

The scent of her arousal was filling the air around me, driving me mad with need. I wanted nothing more than to taste her. I knew she could feel what she was doing to me. She was aptly using this knowledge to her advantage, rubbing back and forth over the top of my lap, digging her nails into my bare chest and shoulders. _Fuck, I love this woman._

I pushed her dress up further, securing my palms across her bare back, pulling her hard into me, filling the room with the sound of our moans and growls. My head dropped back against the couch as she kissed her way down my chest. I dug my nails into her bare hips. As I did so, a far away recess of my brain registered a commotion downstairs. It took about five seconds of trying to ignore it before I recognized that it was not going to be ignored. Reluctantly, I tore my lips away from Bella, gasping frantically. My fingers twined themselves around the sides of her exposed panties, holding her to me, as I muttered under my breath.

"Oh, for bloody _fucking_ hell! C'mon!" I wailed in the direction of my door. _Seriously! I cannot catch a single fucking break. _My eyes hardened on my half-opened doorway, waiting.

Bella panted breathlessly at my shoulder. I felt her breath against the crook of my neck, where she laid her smouldering head. "What?" She peered up at me with glazed over eyes that were half crossed with lust. She sounded confused... and thoroughly put out. _You're telling me. _

Seconds later, my door flew open the rest of the way and a very agitated looking creature lunged through it, her long strawberry blond mane rippling behind her. Willfully ignoring the half-naked woman on my lap, she narrowed her livid eyes on mine and hissed through clenched teeth. "Care to explain..._dear_?"

_Oh, fuck me!_


	7. Love Me

BPOV

_What the hell? Did someone just refer to Edward as 'dear'? _

I lifted my head from where it rested on Edward's shoulder and narrowed my eyes at him. This woman was not just _someone,_ my gut nagged at me. This would be a very specific woman. Though I had never met Tanya in person, I knew it had to be her. My skin crawled at the thought. _Now what do I do? _

I wanted to look behind me to confirm my suspicions. I wanted to bolt out of the room and run far away from the Cullens. I wanted to get the hell off of Edward. I wanted to feel embarrassed and undignified at being caught in such a precarious situation…yet all I felt was anger. I did none of the things I wanted to. I was paralyzed in place, as my mind ran rampant.

I was unaware of time passing, as I sat motionless, straddling Edward's lap, staring past him into the back of the couch. My mind was spiraling down a dark hole. Sometimes my oversized vampire brain made me dizzy. I struggled to keep up with the hundreds of thoughts swirling through my head.

In an effort to gain some clarity, I launched my shield out in a swift angry net and drew in Edward's thoughts. It was like digging my nails into the walls of the emotional well I was plummeting down in a painful and desperate effort to save myself. I protected my own mind as I listened to the rapid fire of chaos churning through his.

_Shit…Bella, no! Nonononono. I am so sorry, love. You have to hear me out on this one. Please. It seems bad, but it's not, I promise._

The mental images that accompanied his thoughts filtered in and out of his mind as he silently pled with me. It was all the confirmation I needed. It was true. Edward and Tanya were together. The fury was quickly welling up inside of me, hard and sharp. White-hot splinters of betrayal coursed through my hardened veins. I could feel them shooting from my fingertips and toes as I absorbed all that one simple word implied. _Dear_.

Mortified didn't even begin to describe how I felt. Humiliated, deceived, degraded, used... I flung myself backward off Edward, freeing myself from my demeaning position. Edward's fingers, still tangled in the fabric of my dress, came with me as I moved away from him. I was too infuriated to notice his touch. I was fast losing my sense of self. I snapped my shield back in place and glowered down at him where he sat, still as stone.

I could tell by the look of devastation on his face that he sensed when I vacated his mind, rendering his silent whining useless. I stood in front of him, his legs on either side of me, willing myself to find the strength to turn and run. First, I had to regain my composure. I refused to move a muscle until I was in better control. _This man will not break me again,_ I vowed.

Everyone in the room was likewise still. I was on the verge of foregoing years of hard won restraint. The Cullens were intelligent enough to appreciate that. As I bore daggers into the black leather, I felt wave upon wave of calm trying to penetrate my rage. _Fucking Jasper! _ If he didn't back off soon I was going to do something I would ultimately regret. _Who does he think he is to try and manipulate my emotions! Like I don't get a say in how I want to feel. _Screw him! Screw all of them. But mostly…screw…Edward.

Slowly, my eyes shifted, never blinking, toward the man below me. I was momentarily taken aback to see his expression. His usually beautiful features looked repulsive to me as he continued to plead silently for my understanding. _How could he do this to me? _ _Doesn't he understand how difficult it was for me to put my faith in him again? How much I risked by merely climbing into that car with him? _

His eyes were huge and terrified, lightening as he sobered up from our passion. His mouth opened and closed multiple times, obviously torn between searching for the right words to remedy the situation and granting me some time to calm down. His body was stiff - he was holding his breath. Suddenly, I was painfully aware of his fingers twisted around the folds of my dress, using the pull of the silk to leash me to him.

In a swift motion, I reached behind me and knocked his hands from me. The thought of him touching me was suddenly vile. Odd how quickly desires can alter. It was the first movement in the room for what felt like days. I heard several surprised gasps behind me and one small snicker. Another wave of calm tried to wrap itself around me.

"Jasper, I swear to fucking GOD!" I shouted, turning to threaten the man behind me. I bared my teeth and hissed to drive my point home. Faster than lightening, he threw his arm around Alice and flattened her against the hallway wall behind him. He raised his palms up in surrender and edged further backwards. The wave of calm went with him. I wanted to rip his throat out for thinking me capable of harming Alice.

My hold, however, continued to slip. The anger and hurt were getting the best of me as I struggled to find a way to reinstate some control. Somewhere in the back of my brain I registered the panting sounds coming out of me. I was suffocating under the scrutinizing eyes of _his_ family. I clenched my jaw tightly to prevent any further roaring or hissing. I could do nothing to prevent the instinctual growl that was brewing in my chest. As I glared into Edward's pained eyes, just inches from my own, the growl clawed its way from my chest. I narrowed my eyes on Edward. He chose that time to voice his pleas aloud.

"Bella," he sounded panicked. "Bella, this isn't…ha…this…" he blew out a haggard breath and narrowed his eyes on mine. _Did he actually just laugh? _A small and manic snort, but still…was he finding something funny about this situation, because I was failing to see any humour in it. "Bella, you don't understand. Believe me if you did you--"

I cut him off right there. "What is there to not understand, Edward?" I spat. "Did you have sex with Tanya?" Our faces were inches apart as I spoke. An errant emotion flashed across his, but he recomposed himself too quickly for me to identify it. Pain, guilt, embarrassment?

"Bella," he said my name slowly, cautioning me, as if my direct question was somehow out of line.

"Answer me." I refused to be sidetracked by the nagging pain in my dead heart, trying fruitlessly to remind me how much I loved him regardless of anything he may or may not have done.

Edward cast his eyes down in shame, his arms hung limp at his sides. He swallowed thickly before admitting, "Yes. I did."

"Did you have sex with Tanya _after_ leaving me broken and alone in the woods…devastating me, my family, my friends and my entire human existence?"

"Bella..." Again he spoke with the same cautionary tone, but this time it had a hint of urgent desperation in it. I had enough. I roared at him. "Yes," he finally whispered in a very small voice.

"_After_ everything I ever loved was stolen from me, not once, but twice? Including my humanity! And all for NOTHING! All because of you and your family's fleeting fucking presence in my life? After all I went through because of you? After that, Edward? Then?" _Wow, that was really unfair of me. _Well, fuck fair.

Edward's lips clenched repeatedly, and he drew his eyes shut. His nostrils flared as he tried to hold back whatever pain I was causing him. _Good - feel pain._ I rather enjoyed his suffering given the circumstances.

"Bella, please…. please, please, please…" he chanted so low I could hardly hear him. His eyes were still shut tight, and he was shaking his head from side to side.

I could only imagine the chaos inside his mind; we still had quite an audience. The thought of everyone watching such a personal moment only fuelled my anger. How dare these people intrude? Had they no sense of privacy?

When my rhythmic panting turned into erratic gasps for useless oxygen, I decided I had to get out of there. No words or actions were ever going to rectify the fact that after leaving me to rot in the woods, Edward evidently ran straight into Tanya's all too welcoming arms, seeking solace to a void that only _I_ should have been able to fill. It disgusted me.

"I hope she makes you happy," I ground through my teeth so low that I couldn't even make out the words. My eyes were trained on his as my chest strained with effort. He obviously heard me. I turned to get the hell out of there, but before I had moved even a fraction of an inch, I felt Edward's strong fingers slip around my leg and grip the top of my thigh, restraining me. His thumb dug into the front of my leg so hard that I instinctually waited for it to hurt. It almost did. Stupid boy. All it served to do was further my fury. Before he knew I was moving, my fingers were twisted in his bronze hair. I snapped his head back with all my strength. My shield faltered as my anger swelled. I held on tight to both.

"Let go of me," I hissed in between gasps for air. _He always did like it when I gripped my hands in his hair. _ Funny, he didn't seem to be enjoying it so much now. With a look of sheer panic, he abruptly released me and raised his right hand in a similar sign of surrender as Jasper had used. _Good boy. _ I disengaged from him, and for the first time since the room became grossly overpopulated, I turned to face everyone.

I had to actually remind myself not to drop into a defensive crouch as I stared into the faces of those I once would have sworn loved me and considered me to be a part of their family. _They're in on the deception - all of them, _I tried to remind myself as my eyes swept from one tormented face to the next. My heart sank when my gaze landed on Alice, peering from behind Jasper's elbow. _ALL OF THEM, BELLA. _ I had to get out of there fast. I had nothing to say to those people. They all deceived me. They all betrayed me. Not once, but twice.

I pushed through the masses and stormed through the front door before anyone realized I was moving. _Edward thinks he is the fastest; I dare him to try to catch me. _I was really fast, and I knew it. I had often wondered if I was even quicker than Edward. It looked like I was going to get the chance to find out. My face burned as I moved faster than I ever had before, propelled by my anguish. All around me, the forest surrounding the Cullens' home smeared into a dark green blur as I fled. Fled for my life. Fled for my sanity. Fled for my dignity.

The whooshing noise from behind tipped me off that Edward was trying to follow me. I pushed harder, determined to never again look him in the eyes. _Those powerful golden eyes._

"Bella, stop for one second," he tried in vain to call after me. _Not a chance. _ "Bella…. Please…" It came from further behind me than the last time he called out. _Hold the phone...I actually am faster than Edward? Thank God! _ I didn't even pause. Not this time. Not again. I was not going to let that man and his family destroy me all over again. Or, at the very least, I had no intention of allowing them to witness the tragedy first hand.

I heard a crash from somewhere behind me. Edward let out a vicious roar. It didn't seem to be directed at me, but rather, it sounded like Edward crying out in physical pain. I called on every molecule of restraint left in my body to fight my instinctive reaction to run to him and ensure that he was all right.

One foot in front of the other, Bella. I could physically and emotionally feel the distance between Edward and I growing. Every inch of ground I covered filled me with a greater sense of loss. As I broke through the perimeter of the forest and stood at the edge of the highway, I was warmly embraced by the black of night. And I was completely alone.

EPOV

_No! Please, no! Please God, this isn't happening. _ I silently pled with a God who I was sure didn't give a shit what I was asking him for. Blasted, Rosalie! How hard is it to stay away from here for just a few hours until I had the chance to explain things to Bella? _I knew I shouldn't have brought her here. _ And Alice! Did she not say it was safe to bring her here? She reassured me that our recently repaired relations with the Denalis would not interfere with my extraordinary reunion with Bella. I glared ferociously at her as she stood trembling in the doorway.

_Don't you dare put this on me, Edward! You know I'm not infallible! Rose decided to be straight with T, thinking she would be sympathetic, given everything that's gone on over the years. That is _so_ not my fault! Maybe you should have tried a bit of honesty yourself with Bella before you friggin' disrobed her! Idiot! She's not going to forgive you for this, Edward. Are you seeing what I am seeing? You have to change this... You _have_ to stop her right now. You don't have a lot of time._

Similar pleas and thoughts of panic were firing at me from all directions. Bella flung herself off the couch and away from me, glowering at me even as she moved. She panted and growled, seemingly so wounded my heart ached even further. I was at a complete loss as to how to remedy the catastrophe.

"Bella …" I tried to reason. I tried to force words to come out and say something that would make it all better. Nothing sounded right and nothing was coherent. Every stammer I made seemed to supply more flame to Bella's fury. Then, finally, she snapped.

I had to admit to having been with Tanya; I could not lie to her about it. _After, _I left Bella broken and used in her former life. As if the two had any correlation to one another. Did Bella seriously not understand that when I walked away from her, I left everything that _was_ me there with her? She held my heart, my love, my compassion. If I had a soul, she cradled it in the palms of her hands and in her heart, even in my absence. It ran alongside hers, wherever that may have been.

The entire situation felt like it was literally killing me; thinking of the pain I was inflicting upon Bella once again. I appreciated her pain, yet was desperate to will her to understand the situation. _Goddammit! Why does she have to be so stubborn? Just listen in on my thoughts, Bella. I can't find the right path to put them into words. Please! _I begged, needing her to hear me. She was no longer listening, I could tell. When Bella was in my head I had a peculiar sense of peace. I could feel her inside me. I had never felt emptier than I did in that moment. Bella was gone.

"Please, please, please…" I was vaguely aware that I was softly begging aloud at this point.

Bella had had enough; she decided to make a break for it. She turned to leave.

_Stop her! Now or never, Edward! Aren't you seeing this! _Alice shrieked at me silently. Yes Al, I'm seeing it. Flickers—inconsistent and blurry, but all the same. Bella, sprinting through the woods, faster than I could keep up with. Bella alone, sobbing against a tree. My heart lurched. I panicked.

I reached up and wrapped my fingers around her thigh for dear life.

Fuck, ow! She yanked me by my hair so hard it actually hurt.

"Let go of me." Her eyes seared into mine, and I knew she was not playing around. She would shred me right then if I continued to provoke her. _Not that I could blame her. _ My heart sank. This can't be happening. I wanted to go back ten minutes ago when I was holding Bella in my arms and kissing her tenderly. It was an act so familiar, yet so electric, that even now it continued to consume me.

With numb fingers, I released her and raised my hand in surrender. _Please don't go,_ I begged her with my eyes. She was obviously indifferent to what I was asking. If anything, it seemed to anger her more. Her breathing was becoming erratic, and she looked to be on the cusp of forfeiting control. I was endlessly thankful that with the exception of Jasper and his best intentions, my family had enough sense to keep quiet. Audibly anyway. Silently, I had never been so scolded in all my years. Christ, I wish they would disappear. I glowered meaningfully at Tanya. She had the gall to snicker. If she wasn't already a dead, heartless bitch ... I would have killed her myself right then. _Don't think I am done with you, Tanya. _She was going to have a lot of explaining to do after this little stunt. So much for her coven's peacekeeping mission.

Bella turned to face my family, and I held my breath. I widened my eyes at each of them, imploring them to remain quiet and get out of there. Too late.

Before I registered what was happening, Bella was moving. I heard the front door slam against the foyer wall as she ripped it open. My entire body ran cold. Colder than normal. Frozen in place with fear. Fear of losing the only thing I had ever truly longed for and needed. I was afraid of making things worse, or not having the strength to make them better.

"Edward!" Hearing my name screamed frantically in a voice I had rarely heard raised before snapped me out of my reverie. I looked up to see Esme's face contorted into a combination of outrage, disgust and reprimand. "Go!" she yelled at me again in desperation, pointing toward the stairs. Yeah… right… obviously. Go. I tried to will my frozen legs to work and get me up off the couch.

_Dude, get your shit together_, Emmett yelled at me silently as I stood.

_Good luck with that, Edward. Seems like more drama than she is worth if you ask me,_ Tanya taunted me with a satisfied smirk.

"Fuck you," I sneered venomously at her. "Get her out of here. Now!" I yelled at no one in particular, as I blazed down the staircase in search of the only woman I had ever truly loved. I had to make her see that. She had to understand. It had been so long. I was so close to everything I had ever hoped for. Everything I was too cowardly to allow myself to have 45 years ago. Everything we both wanted.

I tore through the forest like my life depended on it. It did_. _ I was smart enough to know that if I allowed Bella to get away this time, it would be very difficult to even find her, let alone get her back. She had obviously flown under Alice's radar for decades. She knew how Alice worked. If I didn't catch up to her, I feared I might never get another chance at loving Isabella. I dug deeper within myself to spring harder and harder off each step. I propelled myself through the trees as fast as I could. _How the hell is she still so far ahead of me?_

"Bella, stop for one second!" I yelled as I felt her slipping further and further away from me. "Bella...'" I panted, more out of emotion than exertion. "Please!" _I'll do anything you ask, Bella. Say anything that makes you stop running from me. Please, Bella. God, please..._ I wasn't sure if I was pleading to myself, to a God who loathed me, or just hoping that she was eavesdropping on my thoughts. Whichever the reason, I just needed her to stop running away from me.

Then something hard crashed into me from overhead. It sent my attacker and me flying across the forest and into a pine tree. The tree cracked as we landed against it, sending shockwaves through the forest floor. "No!" I roared, so much pain emanating out of me that I could no longer hold it back. The ten second delay would be enough for me to lose Bella. She was already so far ahead of me that now I had no hope of reaching her.

I stood, covered in pine needle debris and turned with murderous eyes to face Tanya. She had the suicidal gall to stare back at me, unabashed, with her hand on her hip. I dropped to a fight crouch and roared at her. I was more than ready to rip her apart when Emmett came sprinting through the trees behind Tanya.

"No, Edward! Don't!" he hollered at me. I shifted my death gaze to him, and he backed up a step. "Dude, I'm just sayin'. It won't change anything."

It wasn't working; I was beyond reason. I was deranged with hatred directed at Tanya. How dare she? Was this all just a sick and twisted little game to her? How many times had we been down this road? I was never going to want her. She and I were never going to be together, not the way she had consistently hoped for. I knew she had always resented Bella for holding my heart, but I had no idea she was so malicious as to intentionally destroy the one future we had all wished could be possible for me. In that moment, there was not a single rational thought in my entire head. My only thought was how thoroughly I wanted to make Tanya sorry.

I moved my eyes back to her. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" I sneered. The disgust in my tone actually made her drop the hand from her hip, blink, and look away for a split second. _Was it me or did a tremor just roll through her? _It fuelled my anger.

"You should be scared, Tanya. If I were you, I'd be really fucking scared," I whispered threateningly, as I closed the distance between her and me.

_Edward..._ Emmett cautioned silently as I moved closer still, rounding in on her as she backed away a few steps. We were dancing the circular waltz of two fighters about to engage. I had never been so angry, and the hurt was only compounding my rage. Tanya was making a tempting target. I sneered darkly under my breath, as much to my perverse amusement, Tanya continued to shimmy away from me with frightened eyes.

_That's right, Tanya. BE scared_.

Like a strike of lightning, I coiled back then lunged straight for her. _You'll pay for this_, was my only thought as I leapt across the air. Before I reached the meddling little bitch in front of me, something smoked me hard from my left side. _Goddammit people! _

"Emmett, I swear I _will_ take you down, too!" I shouted before I turned to look at the second person to attack me in the last few minutes.

Where I presumed to see Emmett standing, I instead saw a smug little figure with her stubborn arms crossed haughtily across her chest.

"Alice," I whined in a slow drawn out tone, not at her intervention, but at the agonizing heartache that washed over me at seeing her before me, pulling me back to reality. Alice understood immediately. My lips quivered, and I blinked my eyes about a hundred times at the aggravating prickling, indicating the flood of tears I'd be experiencing if I weren't a monster.

"I know, Edward." Her tone was drenched with sympathy. Too much sympathy. She knew something I didn't. I instantly wracked her brain to see what she could see.

"She's gone for good, isn't she?" I all but wept, completely forgetting about my almost homicide victim in front of me.

"I don't know, honey. I can't tell yet," Alice sighed, wrapping her tiny little hand around mine and turning me from Tanya.

_Thanks for the devastating honesty! _ I could use a bit of optimism here Alice. Even if it is a lie.

"C'mon, man, we'll find her. It's gonna be okay, you'll see."

Emmett could always be counted on for his optimism. I appreciated that more than he knew. I needed it more than ever in that moment. I had to find her and make it all right. I could explain everything and make her understand. It was all a huge misunderstanding, and my Bella was always so forgiving and compassionate. She would hear me out and with luck, forgive me. But first I had to track her.

Already in tune with my thoughts, Alice muttered a defeated, "Let's go," and began leading me back toward home. I was vaguely aware of the faint noises indicating that Emmett and Tanya were following us back to the house. More than anything, my mind was reeling with the loss of Bella. A future that felt so tangible only hours ago now seemed entirely out of reach. My heart ached, and my fists curled at my sides. It was all I could do to not turn around and lunge at Tanya again.

_Knock it off, Edward. Let it go, _Alice chided me silently. She tightened her little grip on my hand as if she could truly stop me if I wanted to turn around and destroy Tanya. I entertained that idea for just a moment.

"Emmett," Alice demanded, snapping her fingers at my brother without as much as a glance in my direction. I growled at her, though she was right, and I saw it. I could see her visions of me actually turning around and fighting Tanya. Apparently, I was contemplating this more seriously than I thought. I had to admit, the idea had appeal.

I felt my brother's large mitts circle around my forearms as he ran forward with me. We all slowed as we approached the veranda and saw the entire family lined up behind the banister, anxiously awaiting our return. Emmett released me and leapt up the stairs to the house.

"You didn't catch her." Rosalie felt the need to state the obvious, as Alice and I lumbered dejectedly after Emmett.

"No, but we are going to formulate a plan to find her, aren't we Edward?" Alice was trying her best to put on a brave face and a reassuring tone. I loved her for it.

"Well, then," my father turned to walk back into the house. "Let's get on that, shall we? Can you see anything helpful yet, Alice? Anything at all that we might be able to use to locate Bella?"

Carlisle took his place at the head of the long table that sat pristine in the centre of the dining room. We all filed around the table in our usual spots, except me. Today, I was too antsy to be confined in a hard oak chair. I paced back and forth at the far end of the table opposite Carlisle. Tanya took a seat in the free chair that was mine, and I growled at her.

"Okay….okay, Edward," Esme cautioned me with her soft, empathetic eyes. I continued pacing, my hands shoved into my jeans pockets. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Jasper was following my movements like a hawk. He wasn't interfering with my emotions just yet, but he was evidently aware of them. Occasionally, he would take a quick glance at Tanya, and then back at me. Her thoughts were erratic and I wondered what she was feeling.

"No Carlisle, to answer your question," Alice began, "I do not see anything useful just yet. I'm going to keep trying though; eventually, I will find something. I will keep you posted." She exuded optimism as she leaned back in her chair and drew her knees to her chest. She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on the tops of her knees. I narrowed in on her thoughts, but just as she had said, she wasn't seeing anything of consequence. But I could sense her desperation to force something out of herself. I really loved her. Despite my foul mood, I mustered a small smile for my little sister. Then I returned to my pacing exercises, but not without noticing the proud grin on Jasper's face as he continued monitoring my emotions.

*****

After hours of circular discussions, the best option we could come up with was to try and locate the remaining members of Bella's coven, Collin and Jennifer. They would more than likely still be in the city, and for all we knew, Bella would be right there with them. A big part of me had a sinking feeling that finding Bella was not going to be quite that easy, but I secretly prayed it would be.

I was surprised to see how well Tanya behaved herself during my family's discussions. She hardly spoke up, knowing it was not her place, given that we were not technically her coven. Save nothing for the fact that all of this was her fault in the first place. Halfway through our tedious debates, Jasper made a point of calling my attention with his thoughts and telling me that Tanya felt horrible. She had essentially acted out of instinct, and despite its malicious intent, she seemed to feel remorseful. I ignored him and continued to glare at her as I paced. It didn't matter, Jazz knew I heard him; he would have felt the anger ebb slightly as he 'spoke' to me.

"All right then." Carlisle stood, clasping his palms together. "Let's get this plan into action, shall we? Jasper? Alice? You two are going west in the direction Bella took off in. Trail her scent as far as you can and give us a call when you have anything to report. Emmett, Edward and I will search the woods north of the city, where I first encountered Bella's scent, in search of Collin and Jennifer. Esme, Rosalie, you stay here on the off-chance that she decides to come back. Is everyone clear?"

"Can I say something?" It was the meekest voice I had ever heard a vampire use. Tanya looked up from underneath her lashes and stared straight into my eyes. Instinctually, I wanted to scream, "No!" at her and tell her to go to hell. But something about the way her lips curled back softly and her teeth bit nervously onto the inside of her cheek, made me instantly sorry for her. She did care about me, I knew that. And despite how thoroughly I wanted to blame her, she was not the only one who was at fault in this. Still…I was angry and feeling helpless. Not a good combination for a vampire such as myself.

"Of course, Tanya," my ever generous father granted her. She had all of our attention, even that of her sisters, Kate and Irina, who must have slipped unnoticed into the room, back from their hunting trip. They were evidently completely unaware of the devastation their sister had caused in their brief absence. They stared in Tanya's direction, obviously intrigued.

"I'm…" she seemed to be struggling with her words. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I'm _so_ sorry, Edward." I growled at her without really meaning to.

"She means it Edward," Jasper reiterated his earlier thoughts toward me.

"I do. I don't know what got into me," Tanya continued, alternating between glancing at me and staring at her hands in her lap. "I mean…I _do_ know what go into me. I was jealous. Of course, I was jealous. I'm no idiot, Edward. I have always known where your heart lies. I just thought that I could show you another option. That maybe I _could_ make you happy. That in time you would enjoy my companionship as much as I enjoy yours. And we could eventually become more."

She looked and sounded so pathetic that it was hard to continue to be angry at her. Tanya was not truly an intentionally malicious creature. She felt provoked and acted on it. I knew that much. I could see it in her thoughts.

"I didn't think it through. When Rose told me that Bella was at the house, as an immortal no less, I just panicked. I ran back here, and when I saw you two together…." Tanya trailed off as a growl resonated in my belly and worked its way up my throat.

"Let her talk, Edward." My mother walked over to me and placed a calming hand on my shoulder. "As long as she is being honest and respectful, she has every right to speak."

"You put me through a lot the last few years, Edward," she began again. Instantly, I hated where she was going with this.

"You put _yourself_ through a lot, Tanya," I spat. "I tried to tell you, I tried to warn you. So don't you dare play the innocent! You knew full well what you were getting into. You knew every step of the way where my heart was. It was never with you, and you knew it."

"You embarrassed me!" she cried at me, jumping up from her chair, sending it crashing into the wall behind her. "Everyone knew!" She leaned forward and braced her hands on the side of the table, shaking her head. The room was still as her breathing slowed.

I made my way across the room to where she stood hunched over, nearly shaking with a renewed anger. "So you _wanted_ to hurt me? To get even with me?" I asked, inches from her. Intentional betrayal was not something I bargained for when I pondered what would make Tanya interfere with Bella and me.

Her heavy eyes looked up to meet mine, and I knew the answer before she spoke it. I heard the hurt, and embarrassment, and remorse, all in her mind.

"Not consciously," she conceded. It was a brave admission, and I could appreciate it. I _had_ embarrassed her. I knew that. And if I was being completely honest with myself, of course, the blame did not lay one hundred percent on her shoulders. It takes two, and I had an equal blame in the fiasco that was Tanya and I.

Now if I could just find Bella and explain everything to her… I sighed heavily.

"Now what?" an impatient Emmett questioned from the other side of the table, where he sat drumming his fingers anxiously.

"Now…we go find Bella." I looked up and scanned the faces of my family. They all loved her as much as I did. We _would_ find her. That was what I kept telling myself anyway. I turned to walk away from the room and its claustrophobic atmosphere. I needed to start searching.


	8. Help Me

EPOV

_Please let this work, please let this work._

I was struggling to think of anything else as I pushed through the forest, flanked on either side by my brother and father. We had finally stumbled across the scent of Bella's coven and were following it north, hoping it would lead us to them. To Bella. The trail was strong and laced with the warm aroma of animal blood - a reassuring sign that it was a fresh trail.

We ran silently, but just because they were not making any noises outwardly doesn't mean that plenty wasn't being said beneath the surface. While my father was diligently trying to leave his thoughts neutral, he could not completely mask the emotions that filtered into his mind occasionally. Carlisle was desperate to help me find my Bella and get a chance to redeem myself. He truly thought I deserved it, a point he had been quietly trying to convince me of for the last thirty miles. I was studiously ignoring him.

Emmett was not quite as inhibited with his thoughts. For hours I had endured his unharnessed opinions on my situation, including my relationship with Tanya. While my brother never faulted me for ever entertaining any of Tanya's desires, he clearly felt I was a moron for bringing Bella to our home while the Denali coven was still in town.

_Bro – women are women, _he advised, as if this bit of brilliance answered all the world's questions. I supposed, with a wife like Rosalie, perhaps it did. _You of all people should know this, man, _he continued, despite the snarl slipping through my clenched teeth as we ran._ No matter what they say out loud, they never get over that kind of shit, especially a woman like Tanya. She is the proudest, most stubborn woman we know. I can't even imagine what kind of_ _shit you hear running through that mind of hers._ _But Bella…_

I glanced over at him, as his thoughts trailed off, and a warm, peaceful smile overtook his face. _Dude, Bella will understand. She's just like that, ya' know. She will listen, and she will love you again. _He beamed at me encouragingly._ Her showing up here like that, immortal…that's fate dude. You two are meant to be together, just you wait. We will find her and talk to her. She will come home with us, and everything…_

I cut him off with a low growl. His unwarranted optimism was beginning to annoy me. Without further comment, I pushed ahead as Carlisle directed a stern look of caution over at my brother. The dumb oaf. I knew he meant well, but with Bella still missing, the gravity of the situation was weighing heavily on my conscience. I was in no mood for his cheery disposition. I just needed to find Bella.

We had been combing the wooded areas outside our home for over thirty straight hours. The trail we were currently tracking was the most promising lead we had uncovered thus far, but still, I could feel the hot swell of panic rising in my chest. _What if I never find her?_

As the trees around us whipped by in a blur, I found myself rehearsing what I would say to Bella, given the chance. I had to make her listen. I continued my recitation, and did my best to block out my family as I pushed forward.

_Bella, look, I know you are hurt…_ hurt? Was that the right word? I needed a word that encompassed so much more than that. I knew she wasn't merely _hurt_. I needed the perfect words to convey to her how thoroughly I understood everything she was going through. I knew I had not only hurt her, but she would also think I had betrayed her trust. I deserved every painful and jagged emotion she could sling at me. My only hope was that when it was all said and done, she could find it in herself to forgive and trust me once again. If only she would allow me the opportunity, I would _never_ hurt her again.

I was grateful that I was far enough ahead of my father and brother that they couldn't see the twisted look of pain on my face. As I made a mental vow to never cause Bella another ounce of hurt again if given the chance, I was sickeningly reminded of the millions of similar thoughts I had entertained over the last forty-five years. Yet the moment I had a chance to make good on all the promises…I failed both Bella and myself miserably.

Never again. My reunion with Bella was nothing short of a miracle. That she would be made immortal, after all that we had been through, and then, that I should have a chance encounter with her, it was all too extraordinary to fathom. I made a vow that truly, never again would I look into those butterscotch eyes that still reflected so much of the depth and devotion that were in Bella's human eyes and see the pools of agony swirling below the surface from something I had done. I loved Bella endlessly, and it was my duty to guard all that was good about her - her kind, compassionate heart, her pure and unaffected nature, and the unwavering devotion with which she had always loved me. Bella had once been the most faithful lover any man could ask for. The pain of knowing I had discarded such a rare gift, not once, but twice, was unbearable. I had placed all my credence in a plan that was evidently flawed in ways I had not imagined possible. Because of my immature obstinance, both Bella and I suffered greatly. I had a lot to atone for. I _was_ an asshole. I had always felt undeserving of someone as remarkable as Bella, but now, I had little doubt that she deserved someone far superior. However, I was selfish enough to try and bring her back to me somehow. And, if by some miracle I was successful, I vowed to treasure every facet of her existence until the end of time.

I was mid rant when I came screeching to a halt. The trail had come to end. I closed my eyes and focused on the noises surrounding me. In addition to the typical forest sounds, I could hear the steady mental approach of my family as they ran behind me. I raked through the other sounds one by one, searching for something that would tip me off as to where the small coven was hiding.

I held my right hand up to still Carlisle and Emmett as they slowed. They both noticed the scent trail had died off as well, but what they couldn't sense was the frightened thoughts of the two vampires now standing in front of me as I rounded the corner on a heap of fallen stone.

Collin stood several inches taller than me and quite a bit more muscular. He was the very definition of intimidating. Instinctually, I froze in place and refused to venture any closer. _I would love to see a wrestling match between this guy and Emmett under different circumstances,_ I noted almost humorously_._ Clearly, now was not the time. We were here for a reason.

Collin was crouched protectively in front of the female, whom I presumed to be Jennifer. Both vampires were snarling at me as I came to a stop approximately five feet from where they stood. Their minds were racing as they took in my golden eyes and tried to discern which Cullen I was, as well as what, if anything they should tell me.

_Lucky for me, I read minds. _In less than thirty seconds they had already inadvertently told me everything I had come for. Bella was not with them. She had met up with them earlier in the city to say her good-byes. They had no idea where she was heading, only that she was rather upset and it appeared she had no intention of coming back.

The physical manifestation of Bella in their memory was heart wrenching. She was a broken and dilapidated mockery of what she should be. All the exuberance and heart that made Bella shine were gone.

I watched as dawning washed over the two snarling faces, pegging me as the apparently infamous "Edward." I heard the faint scuffle of Emmett and Carlisle's footsteps stopping behind me.

As I searched through the thoughts of the remaining members of Bella's coven, their faces transformed from threatening to piteous. I saw myself reflected back through their thoughts. The crumpled way I was stood before them. The way my eyes sunk as I read their thoughts and realised they were a dead end in finding Bella. The haggard creases of my face and the haphazard mess of copper that was my hair. My fists were locked at my sides, the pale skin stretched tight over each steel bone and knuckle. My chest trembled as I stood there.

Collin straightened out his stance, tall and firm, before he spoke in a booming baritone. "We don't know anything," he stated conclusively.

Jennifer glanced at Collin, then back at me. "Edward, I presume?" Her light voice came from behind Collin's massive form. She stepped to the side and gaped at me judgmentally. All I could do was nod.

"Carlisle Cullen," my father stepped in front of me, his hand extended toward the two vampires, his thoughts cautioning me. _These are her friends, Edward. The only known link to Bella for the last forty-five years. Let's see if we can't be a little more civil to them. _He glanced pointedly in my direction before shaking Collin's hand warmly.

"Collin," the male confirmed with a sideways glance at me. "This is Jennifer." He nodded in her direction. "I assume since you're here you know who we are?"

"Indeed," Carlisle spoke warmly. "We've come seeking your counsel, if you can provide any."

"They don't know anything," I mumbled in the direction of my father and turned away.

"Right…the pretty boy mind-reader." Jennifer glared pointedly at me with an eyebrow raised in challenge.

"She met them in town right after she fled the house. She said good-bye. They have no clue where she went. Let's go," I mumbled in frustration. I walked at a slow pace back the way we had come, waiting for my family to follow suit.

"Hey man, get the hell out of our heads," Collin shouted after me.

"He can't help it," Emmett growled through his teeth, taking a menacing step closer to the large vampire, staring him down.

"All right, all right…" Carlisle laid a restraining hand on Emmett's shoulder and took a step forward, placing himself between the two giants and facing Bella's coven. "Look, we are truly desperate for any piece of information you might have that could be helpful. Things did not go smoothly when Bella came to our home, but that is by no means _any_ indication of our love for her. Bella _is_ part of our family, and we will do anything for her. We just need to talk with her first."

I had to admit, the warmth and sincerity rolling off Carlisle as he spoke made him hard to resist. I could hear the small coven silently questioning their loyalties. Behind every thought they entertained was a story that included my Bella, flickers of memories skirting through their minds and into mine. Visual after visual of Bella - laughing, mourning, learning, talking… I focused on Jennifer's thoughts, as they seemed to be the most fluid. Bella had obviously confided in her about me on more than one occasion.

Currently, she was replaying one such conversation with perfect clarity. She was using that memory to try and decide to what extent she should help me, and what she truly thought Bella would want her to do.

_"It feels like a lifetime ago." Bella was answering an unknown question as she stared into a blazing garbage can in an alleyway, the orange flickers wrapping her face in a soft, angelic glow. _

_"Does it really?" Jennifer asked, looking skeptical. _

_Bella chewed on her bottom lip and looked up through her heavy, black lashes to connect her eyes with Jennifer's. "No." The faint red ring around her eyes told me this conversation must have taken place within the first year after Bella was turned. "It feels like yesterday." Bella retreated until her back connected with a brick wall, jarring her slightly and reminding me of my uncoordinated human girlfriend. She slid down and sat on her heels, mouth twitching with an internal emotional battle that I was all too familiar with. _

_"So tell me about him," Jennifer crouched in front of Bella and tried to lower her face to meet Bella's eyes. _

_Bella let out a hard breath, shaking her head from side to side. Her teeth clamped tight, and I could tell by the way her nostrils were flaring she was restraining a flood of tears that would never truly come. _

_"Just imagine the most amazing, loving creature you could ever conjure up…that was Edward." There was a long pause while Jennifer gave Bella the time she needed to collect her thoughts and continue. "He…" Bella sighed softly, "he was the epitome of a giver. Edward never thought of himself first. Everything he ever did was for someone else, usually me." She rolled her eyes and cocked an eyebrow up at Jennifer. "I know that sounds odd, given the circumstances, but believe me, Edward always placed himself last. I've tried Jenn, I've tried so hard to hate him…I just can't. He loved me too much." _Her voice wavered._ With every sweep of his fingertips, or…" she swallowed thickly and choked back more invisible tears, "every kiss from his lips....he was the sweetest, most nurturing man any girl could ever pray for. In so many ways, he was everything I never even knew could exist. He was everything…" Bella trailed off and flopped her face into her palms, balancing her elbows on her knees. "It just hurts so badly. He was everything." The last sentence came out as a broken and jagged breath, barely discernable. _

_"Then why are we sitting here?" Jennifer's voice rang out firmly, with resolution. "Get up! If this man was everything, then go get him. Do it now." She stood up and glowered down at Bella, still curled up on the pavement. _

_"I can't!" Bella half whimpered, half yelled, her face still buried in her hands. "He doesn't want me!"_

_"And if he did?" Jennifer demanded. _

_"Irrelevant, he doesn't."_

_"If…he…did?" Jennifer drew each word out, emphasizing her point. _

_Bella's body shook with unshed tears. After several moments she lifted her face and looked up at her friend with burdened eyes. "Then I would have everything again. If I just had him," Bella whispered._

I couldn't help myself. I had had enough. My heart was splintering at Jennifer's excruciating memories. I wasn't sure if she was doing it purely as a reflection to aid her decision or to gage my reaction, but either way, I was dying inside. I roared at her, without really meaning to. Collin, oblivious to the exchange, took a heady step in my direction before Emmett jumped between us.

"I'm sorry." Jennifer looked past Collin and Emmett as they shoved one another a bit and straight into my pained eyes. "I'm just trying to figure out the right thing to do. I'm not trying to hurt you, Edward. I just want to do right by Bella"

"So do I." The words came out uneven and choppy, my voice too wounded to function properly. I kept my eyes locked on hers and listened as she silently contemplated me.

Jennifer sighed thoughtfully and peered at the three of us. "Well, Cullen family, I genuinely have nothing more to offer you at this time. Bella came to us, incredibly distraught. We knew she was with you because she texted my cell phone a few nights ago saying so. Then all of the sudden she was back here and muttering endlessly about how she 'should have known better'. She said good-bye to us and took off. The only advice I can offer you is that she certainly spoke with an air of finality. She clearly has no intention of seeing us again." Jennifer paused and looked down, fighting back her own emotions. So many people were aching at the loss of Isabella. She looked back up at me. "She left running west. Whether she continued in that direction or not, and where she was headed, I have no idea." She offered me a weak but sincere smile. "I hope you find her. For some reason, I genuinely believe all the good things she had to say about you, Edward."

I could see her logic in her thoughts. She believed the pain in my eyes as I stood before her, a desperate man. She thought it was equal to the agony she saw behind Bella's eyes every day for the last forty-five years. If she knew anything more, she would have somehow told me. That was all she had.

"If we think of anything we will be sure to let you know." She directed her statement at Carlisle as she scribbled something down on a scrap of paper. She handed it to him and nodded decisively.

"My family would greatly appreciate that." Carlisle nodded in their direction once more, then turned toward me and motioned for us to leave. Torn between wanting to raid their thoughts for every last detail of Bella's existence over the last forty-five years, and needing desperately to feel my muscles running in search of her, I stood motionless with my mouth agape and my thoughts running rampant.

"I hope you find her, buddy." Collin slapped a thick palm unceremoniously across my shoulder blade, pushing me forward several steps.

"Thanks," I muttered without meeting his eyes, as I turned to catch-up to the rest of my family.

*****

Two weeks later I was standing in the middle of a snowy sidewalk somewhere in Denver. I left town immediately after talking with Jennifer, not even stopping to go home first and say good-bye to Esme or the rest of my family. I knew the pain I would have seen in their eyes and hear in their thoughts as I said my farewells; I had seen it all before. Carlisle promised to call if there was any new information. Otherwise, I asked that they please leave me be and give me some time to figure things out. Of course, that didn't stop Alice from dialing my number no less than 32 times the first three days I was gone. I didn't answer her; unless it was Carlisle's number on my call display…she was just pestering me, not helping me.

I popped the collar of my pea coat up tighter around my neck so as to not stand out in the frigid cold with the few humans who shared the sidewalk with me. I was lost in my thoughts as I shuffled through the six inches of fallen snow, ignoring the heavy sheet of white as it fell all around me. My eyes were fixed down as I kept my sharp senses cast out around me, searching for the nomad that the last coven I had run into several hundred miles before Denver said was running through the town. It wasn't Bella that this coven told me about, but if I continued drilling every nomad and coven I ran into, it would only be a matter of time before someone would have encountered Bella. She hadn't evaporated, she was here somewhere, running, and someone had to have noticed her.

It was only two o'clock in the afternoon, but the skies overhead in Denver were greyer than any day I had ever seen in Forks. I was free to roam about the city, searching for any memory or thought of Bella in anyone's mind. I refused to accept that she could be gone from me entirely. She was made immortal. The one thing I had always ached for yet had always been too cowardly to allow for myself, for "us." As inherently opposed to any whimsical idea of fate or divine intervention as I was, the situation seemed too significant an occurrence to ignore. If ever anything could justify my feelings for Bella, it was her beautiful, miserable immortality. A complete validation of every morsel of love and adoration I had ever felt for that woman was wrapped up into that tiny, marble-hard package. She _was_ created just for me. I no longer had any doubt about that. She was mine, she had always been mine, and she would be mine forever…once I found her.

I was so lost in my own internal rant that I failed to notice the sidewalks filling up with more pedestrians as the snow let up and the sun trickled down from the sky in hazy streaks. _Shit!_ I pulled my collar up higher and ducked my head. _How could I be so careless? _I had to get off the streets quickly. The sun was glaring in sheets off of the fallen snow and car windshields as they sloshed by me on the wet roads.

Quickly, I jumped into every mind around me, scouting for any notice of me and combing the buildings for a place to hide until it was safe again. A man just ahead of me was entering what appeared to be a sufficiently dark establishment. It looked as good as any place to take cover. I made my way around the black metal railing and ducked inside, noticing the Gaelic curlicue signage above the doorway that read "Nallen's Irish Pub."

Just as I suspected, the pub was quiet on a Tuesday afternoon. The perimeter was lined with bench seating and tall wooden tables that were strewn arbitrarily around the room. The walls were a dark green where they peeked out from behind the hundreds of framed photos displaying random bits of Irish paraphernalia. The overall atmosphere was cozy and dark, exactly the kind of place I needed to hide in a corner and wait out the sun break.

I made my way to a bench in the far corner of the room, opposite the bar, and leaned my head back against the wall behind me. I closed my eyes and mapped out my next move. The last two weeks had been the longest fourteen days of my existence. To know that Bella was out there somewhere, immortal, and entertaining frustratingly inaccurate ideas of my time without her, of my feelings for her… it was agonizing not knowing where to look or how to approach finding her. I felt like I was roaming aimlessly, drowning slowly.

A hand tapped me on the arm and dragged me from my reverie. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and snapped my eyes open to see a middle aged man standing before me. "I'm sorry, I beg your pardon?" I asked as I looked up at the man. He had on a black polo shirt and a dingy apron folded in half and tied over his jeans.

"I said, can I get 'cha anythin', pal?" He had an Irish accent, the proprietor of the pub, a brief run through his mind told me. I racked my brain quickly to think of an Irish beer.

"Pint of Harp, if you have it, please." I didn't make eye contact.

"Sure do," he beamed down at me, as I reached for my wallet in anticipation of his next words. "Just gonna have to ID ya', kid."

I opened my wallet and was careful to grab the ID that stated I was 23. _Thank God Jasper always has some document connection or another. None of us are ever without anything in that regard._

Satisfied, the man gave me a faint head nod and went to get my beer. I sighed an annoyed and frustrated grumble and went back to resting my heavy head against the wall.

Several hundred deep breaths and zero good ideas later, a young university girl in a snow-covered red jacket came to sit on the bench next to me, talking on her cell phone. I kept my eyes closed as I continued running through search options, but saw the girl through the minds of others in the pub. She held the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she tossed her heavy book bag onto the bench between us. On the other end of her phone call, a male voice was encouraging her to come visit him.

"Ugh, I know…" she whined into the phone. "Dad, I promise, it is just a quick trip, and I won't miss any school." The male voice droned on in response. I almost tuned them out completely and drifted back into my forged mental solitude, when something the girl said next caught my attention. "Of course I will come say good-bye before I leave. Daddy…do you honestly think I could ever go anywhere without saying good-bye to you first?"

The waiter returned with my drink and sat it on the table before me. I barely took notice.

_Good-bye. Leave. _

The words were rolling around in my mind, demanding attention. _She wouldn't. _

Suddenly, my mind was racing. My breathing picked up as my body uselessly tried to steady itself. I was dizzy trying to keep up with each strain of thought as it barreled forward. Jennifer had said Bella hugged her with a "sense of finality." She ran west, and since I hadn't heard anything indicating Alice had _seen_ any decisions she was making, I assumed she was running on instinct.

_Idiot, _I chastised myself. Where else would her instincts take her when she hits rock bottom?

I stood abruptly, knocking into the table in front of me, sloshing the Harp out of the pint glass, excitement and nerves coursing through me with my renewed sense of hope and direction. I ignored the mess and the stares and made to leave. My exhilaration was immediately deflated as I turned to exit the bar and saw the sun still basking down merrily on the passers-by. Dejected, I slumped back down and drew my heels up onto the edge of the bench, pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. _Guess I'm stuck in this Irish dive for another couple of hours. Dammit!_

Now that I knew _exactly_ where I was going, every second that ticked by was agony. I could literally feel Bella slipping further from my grasp with each click of the second hand. The next few hours were going to be treacherous, but at least I knew where I was headed. 


	9. Leave Me

BPOV

I needed to make a clean break. Weren't those the words Edward had used against me all those years ago? _A clean break. _What a load of crap! There was no such thing as a clean break. My original severance from the Cullens was anything _but _clean. It was as messy as possible, and still the end result was the immortality I craved so desperately and Edward dreaded. _So much for clean. _

This time was going to be different. This time the break was going to be pristine. The polar opposite of Edward's thwarted and pathetic attempt. Somewhere, far ahead of me, I could hear the faint rush of water crashing over rocks. I continued to run, a blur of pine and rock on either side of me.

I wanted to avoid stopping to discuss with Collin and Jennifer what had transpired when I visited the Cullens', but I recognised the need to say good-bye to them if I didn't want to leave any strings tying me to anyone else. So I did.

Jennifer looked worried, as I informed her that I was leaving, avoiding her glowering eyes as much as possible. I pled for her understanding, reminding her how much I loved her and appreciated all she and Collin had done for me over the last four and half decades. I told them that this was just something I had to do for myself. For once in my existence, I was going to do something selfish. _I might even enjoy it. _I just had to leave, plain and simple. There was nothing left for me with either coven.

I looked up only once to meet her eyes, just before giving her a final hug. The recognition of my pain reflected in her eyes was more than enough to reinforce that I was doing the right thing by leaving. I had to dissolve all ties to them so the Cullens would have no reason to pursue them when, or even _if, _they made any attempts to find me. If I told Jennifer any of my intentions, Edward would know them as well. No. I had to move quick, act out of instinct and tell no one in order to successfully elude the very talented collection of vampires that made up the Cullen family.

I had no idea where I was headed or what I would do when I got there, all I knew was that I wanted it to be far away from _there. _ I never wanted to meet a single pair of golden eyes that would hold any trace of recognition in them when peering back at mine. Somewhere, buried deep in my subconscious, I realised that meant I needed to do much more than just run.

I tried in vain to clear my mind as I ran, but my thoughts kept crawling back to _him - _back to the ache in my heart and the burn coursing through my body. It was a slow and hopeless burn that had nothing to do with my flexing muscles. It was the kind of burn for which there was no remedy - nothing short of a true death, anyhow.

Still, my traitorous thoughts defied me. _Fine! _I scolded them. _You wanna go there, let's go there! _I had to purge all of my memories of the Cullens anyway, every last one, if I had any hope for a true clean break. The idea of leaving them all behind, both in actuality and in memory, was devastating. I had clung for dear life to every memory I had of all of them for so long, that the thought of abandoning even those meager shreds of the life I once lived and the fantasy I dreamed of having, was enough to double me over, clutching at my sides, crying as I sprinted between the trees and through the forest.

_I can't do this. _It already seemed too much.I wasn't going to be able to just forget them entirely. They were my family. Regardless of recent events, their betrayal was still mingling with the undeniable love I had for all of them. Still, I knew I had to put them out of my mind, once and for all; it just didn't seem feasible. _How the hell am I going to do this? _ Unintentionally, my footsteps slowed as I felt each fragment of agony glide through my veins. _One foot in front of the other, Bella. You can do this. _I pushed forward and forced my thoughts to examine each member individually.

Esme was everything I ever craved in a mother, everything my poor, erratic mother could not quite manage to be in reality. She was beautiful and elegant. Every twitch of her finger was caring and graceful. She was without a doubt the heart of the entire family. She cared more than any single heart should be capable of. It showed in everything she did for them. _And once upon a time, for me as well. _It caused me a great deal of pain to think of how much I truly loved Esme and regarded her as a mother figure and yet to know that she was capable of treating me with such cruelty was excruciating. Hadn't she told me herself on multiple occasions that she loved me the same as she loved "all of her children?" If she truly regarded me as one of her children, then undoubtedly she would have _never_been capable of leaving me the way she had. Not the first time and not the last time. It would destroy Esme to be separated from any of them for any length of time. The panic began to rise through me and settle in a hard knot somewhere in my chest as I realized the severity of the inaccuracies my memories were riddled with. _Esme would never leave behind a child, it just wouldn't happen. _Saying she loved me must have been a lie, or at best an overstatement.

"Arrrgggh!" I screamed as I continued to run, the devastation washing over me. I began muttering under my breath as my feet carried me forward. "Have I not lost enough? Have I not suffered enough?" I shouted at the Heavens, demanding answers. What did I do to deserve this, to deserve being abandoned over and over again? To have my heart ripped from my chest every time I began to feel any hope, any love. Clearly, I was destined to be alone, to never feel genuine love. Every time I believed I was cared for, by anyone, it was snatched away from me, leaving my unbearable wreckage of an existence in its somber wake. I would never be that blind again!

Even Carlisle, who was always the strong figurehead of the family, the vertex that each member looked to for strength and support, wisdom and clarity had disappointed me. He guided his family through perils that the human mind could not even fathom. He never wavered in his morals, his integrity or his compassion. He loved his family unconditionally. _At one time I truly believed this included me. _Evidently it did not. Carlisle agreed to abandon me in Forks without so much as an explanation. He supported his real family in their desire to leave me regardless of their flawed motives, not giving me and my suffering enough of a thought to put up an argument in my defense or to even allow me to argue my case myself. The decision was finalized and executed without so much as a word to me, which was proof I was on my own team, my own family, and not with the Cullens.

I let the thoughts travel through my mind, but forced them to exit, leaving a nearly discernible trail of memories behind me as I fled. I recalled the two brothers I never had a proper chance to get to know yet had always regarded as family. Emmett with his unrefined strength and spontaneity. Jasper with his unparalleled empathy and daily struggles. Regardless of everything that had occurred, both in my past life and in my present, I knew these two would be hard to say good-bye to. Every memory I had of Emmett brought a smile to my face. He was such a light-hearted character. He always struck me as incredibly genuine. I would have never thought he had it in him to deceive me or abandon me without first managing a good-bye. I likewise never thought he would be capable of sitting in the same room with me for hours such as we had the night I came home from the hospital with Edward, catching up and chatting, without saying some comment or another that would clue me in as to the dire circumstances I had walked into with Edward.

And poor Jasper, I truly sympathized with his situation, more than he ever knew. It was not an easy life that the Cullens had committed themselves to. They had all struggled in their own way, some tangibly such as Edward, Emmett, and Rosalie, while some battles were merely waged internally as with Alice and Esme. Either way, I could fully appreciate the difficulty and pain of their peculiar lifestyle. I never held any grudge with Jasper for what had happened the night of my birthday party at their home. I had always regretted not getting a chance to tell him this. Now I had to let go of the situation entirely.

I would be lying if I said I would genuinely _miss _Rosalie in any way. Her presence had always made me feel uneasy, right from the first day I laid eyes on her in the cafeteria. Her every facet of beauty only acted as a highlighter for my obvious human flaws. Even with immortality, I doubted I was as stunning as Rosalie. The unease I felt near her was amplified by the awareness that she never approved of my relationship with Edward or my friendship with Alice. Yet somehow, saying a permanent farewell to her still pulled at the dead strings of my heart. The finality of the decision was overwhelming.

The sound of the surging water grew louder as I neared the river. The thoughts in my mind were quickly becoming harder to control. They grew increasingly chaotic as I began to think of Alice. Even when the Cullens left Forks and I struggled to keep a stranglehold on my humanity, a battle I ultimately lost at the cold hands of Laurent…even through all of that and on into my new life, always did I regard Alice as my best friend. I felt the swell of sorrow start creeping up further into my throat as it tightened in response. My eyes burned and I tried to convince myself that it was the sting of the wind washing over them as I ran at top speed, never blinking. Sadly, there was no point in lying to myself when the only one to know would be me. So I let out a sob, low and painful, as I continued to run toward the crashing sound. I didn't know how to say good-bye to my exuberant little friend Alice. I couldn't formulate the words in my mind. I didn't truly want to let her go. But if I kept any trace of her in my heart and in my mind, she could use it as a tether to track me down. I had to follow through with the break. I remembered her vibrant little laugh, and the way she would roll her eyes in exasperation at me. I held onto some muddled human memories of the two of us, as well as to the hilarious image of her bouncing on the couch the night I came home with Edward from the hospital, her black hair blurring as she literally jumped for joy faster than my eyes could keep up with. I remembered the elated smile that stretched across her face when I first came through the front door with Edward's arm guiding me into the living room.

As I retraced the memories of my best friend, I could not ignore the nagging thoughts that kept stalking me. _Did she not see me coming? _How was that possible? Did she not see the way the events would transpire once Edward and I were reunited? Did she not think to intervene? It wasn't as if Alice ever had any reservations about meddling. Did she simply not care? The limitless questions that my vampire mind could concoct were the most agonizing of all the thoughts I had of Alice. As I pursued each strain of thought, I began to feel so betrayed that she would permit me this pain.

_She never said goodbye the first time around, _my thoughts reminded me. It was clear that I needed to accept the truth; I was never the friend to Alice that she was to me. She must have never regarded me with as much love as I felt for her. Otherwise, nothing could have kept her from saying good-bye to me when they first left me in Forks. She was the craftiest vampire I had ever met, not to mention omniscient. If she had any desire to protect me in any way, past or present, she could have. She obviously chose not to. With a heart that felt like lead, I said a final farewell to Alice.

The pain washed over me like a tidal wave and my feet halted at the edge of the river. My body stood motionless as my mind careened out of control. _I will never see Alice again. I was never her sister or her best friend. Which meant she was never truly mine. Everything had been a lie. _I ached so badly. I clenched my teeth tightly in a futile attempt to restrain the pain that was surging through my body, pulling me along the current of despair. A loud whimper escaped me, followed by another. I kept my teeth clamped tight. It was useless. Before long the whimpers merged to cries, the cries to screams and the screams to deafening howls as I surrendered to the pain and collapsed to my knees. I knew I was not merely succumbing to the pain of saying good-bye to Alice, but also to the epicentre of my heartache. The reason I was kneeling in the river howling like the monster that I was.

My right hand came crashing down on the surface of the water that lapped at my waist. To hit something tangible and feel it against my fist felt therapeutic, even if it was just the flimsy fluid movement of water. Before I knew it, both fists were pummeling the water at my sides, sending splashes and waves cascading all around me, as I continued to yell out in agony.

"ARGH!" I screamed again as my fist made contact with a rock below the water, turning it into a heap of rubble. "Why?" I screamed at into the nothingness around me. Overwhelmed by the cruel path my miserable life had forced me down. "Why…why…why…?" I tapered off as I transitioned from anger to heartache.

_How could he do this to me? _I understood his need to protect me, or at least I thought I had. I rationalized again and again his reasons for leaving Forks. But this…this I had no rationale for. All the years that I spent craving him, romanticizing the version of a man I foolishly remembered him to be, a version that clearly did not exist. All the years I wept silently for him, holding tight to myself for fear that I would lose myself completely in the void of my loss. I had ached for his sincere touch, his loving embrace, and his devoted kiss for decades. I had warred with myself repeatedly to respect his wishes and not hunt him down. I had sat there in his office at the hospital and felt his fingers along my cheek and neck, and the blanket of warmth his touch wrapped me in. I opened up to him again in ways that I had not opened up to anyone since my transformation. I showed him images of my existence, revealed the emotions behind them. I didn't even try to camouflage the underlying truth between my every memory and emotion, my endless love for him. I exposed myself in a way that I now understood to be foolish. It left me bare and vulnerable. It made me an easy target. Unearthing my love for Edward and succumbing to the desires that had always been there, while disregarding all reason, had placed me naked and on a ledge. Tanya pushed me over.

It was devastating to think that while I was struggling to make it through a single day, at times a single hour, Edward was staging a life with someone who was not me. If he had truly left me in Forks because he didn't give a damn about me any longer, than at least I could appreciate his desire to move on as he claimed he had. However, he promised me that was all a lie, "the worst kind of lie," in fact. If that was true, than how could he possibly explain Tanya? How could he justify giving himself to another woman, one whom I _knew_ he felt nothing for? How could he claim to have been suffering as severely as I was the entire time we were separated, yet be making love to Tanya? The thought made me nearly crazy with pain and jealousy. That she was allowed to have the one thing that I have always desired most. I must not have been good enough for him to give himself over to fully. Edward had feared my humanity so much that he ran from me and into the arms of someone who was of his own kind. Yet he refused adamantly to offer me the same eternal happy ending. I was obviously not worthy of his love, his touch or his _forever_.

The realization that I had it all wrong all of these years was breaking me. I thought I knew that, while Edward left me in Forks, at the very least the time we _had _spent together was beautiful. We had found something special in one another. I was slowly beginning to understand that it was all a sham. He was just playing the part of the seventeen year old boy who had a girlfriend and went to high school, nothing more. He never had any intention of making me immortal, of wanting to spend forever with me, or of even bringing me along when at last the Cullens outgrew Forks and were forced to move on. _Was it always his intention to leave me behind? _How could I be so naïve? The entire love affair that I clung to all these years had been a fraud.

I struggled to accept the reality that Edward never truly loved me. Had I misunderstood how deep our love was? Was I too immature as a seventeen year old human girl to fully grasp the reality of our relationship? Clearly, just as with Alice, Edward meant more to me than I to him. The thought of allowing another man to touch me seemed vile to me. For decades, I refused to give in to the touch of another, even at Jennifer's relentless urging. Whenever so much as a finger was laid on me, my thoughts instantly retreated to Edward and how honest his fingers felt when they traced over my skin, of the chaos he could evoke on my body with just the soft whisper of his breath on my neck. Nothing could compare to the way every part of my body trembled with need when his fingers gripped my hips as we kissed. He always held me with a combination of restraint and desire. Pushing and pulling. Both of which I felt in his room as we rediscovered one another. Physically he seemed unleashed, finally, yet when he spoke to me, there was something in his eyes. He was still restraining himself from something. What I assumed at the time to be shock or anger, I now understood to be indecision regarding the collision of his two lives - the brief yet intense life he spent with me and the new one he was obviously pursuing with Tanya. There was no place for me in his new life. I had to flush all images of him from my mind. I had to say good-bye to everything that _was _Edward. Everything that was _us. _

Still sobbing, I stood and took several steps into the river. I stretched my arms out to my sides and turned my palms down, allowing the rush of the wild waters to skim across my hands as I planted my feet in the silt. I took several deep and cleansing breaths; whether the oxygen was necessary or not it was incredibly therapeutic. As the waters rushed past, I carefully released every memory of Edward out into the river to take flight and be carried away. I ran through my entire rolodex of images, liberating each one and saying good-bye. My sobs slowed as the memories thinned. By the time I had recounted everything that I had of Edward, I had no more dry tears to shed. My chest was heaving rapidly, yet my mind was still. I slowly crossed the river and climbed the rocks to the shoreline, arms trailing behind me leaving faint ripples on the surface of the water. The only evidence of a lifetime of memories had been washed away. It was all behind me now.

*****

Days, if not weeks, passed in a blur. I hadn't stopped running since I crossed the river. I hadn't stopped to feed, and I certainly had not stopped to think. I ran on pure instinct and continued to flee until the day my legs came to an abrupt stop of their own accord.

I had made a vow to myself that day in the river to never think back, not for anything, not ever. Thus, I refused to look into my memory to try and figure out where I was or why I was stopping. If I allowed myself one sneak peek into my _past, _that was a potential floodgate. Those waters had passed, and I settled for merely combing the area, trying to piece together where I was. It didn't take long, but the location directly challenged my new vow. The low ceiling of grey clouds, the faint rumble of thunder overhead. The strong scent of pine and rain that fluttered about with every molecule of oxygen. I looked down at the blacktop highway I was standing before, divided in half by faded white lines of paint. _Gah! _I kicked up a cloud of dust and gravel as my feet slowly began to carry me forward.

_I can't do this. I can't do this. Why am I doing this? _

I looked up and growled at the sight before me. There, nestled among the leafy green vegetation that encased the entire town, was a familiar heap of dark brown slated wood. The dilapidated sign read, "The City of Forks welcomes you." _Well, how nice. _ Shit.

I stood there for what was quite possibly hours, just staring at the welcome sign. I knew the sign lied; this town would not truly welcome me. I refused to let my mind wander to the million and one reasons _why _this town would loathe my prodigal return. Instead, I just stood there, still as stone, as I drifted out of my reverie and realized I was not breathing, perhaps hoping the town would not notice my bothersome presence if only I kept really still. I prayed that if I closed my eyes and re-opened them I would be anywhere _but _here. No dice.

I was in Forks. FORKS! _Double shit! _ I began pacing back in forth on the gravel shoulder that butted up against Highway 101. _Think Bella. Why are you here? _No stop! _Okay, don't think too much. _I refused to break my vow and dwell on any past memories, especially ones I shut the door on decades ago. I had said my good-byes, so to speak, to Charlie and the people of this town and of my former life long ago. Granted, I didn't get any _real _good-byes. When I last slammed the front door of Charlie's house and ran off in search of the meadow I had no idea that would be the final time I would see him. _If I am saying good-bye to everyone, maybe I need a proper good-bye to Charlie as well. _

Slowly but steadily, my feet began drifting forward, carrying me across the city's threshold and into my former life. The sun was set on the emerald city, but the entire town seemed shrouded in a faint and eerie glow. The irony was not lost on me that I, the vampire, was prowling around in the shadows, noting that the town seemed ominous. I stopped at the corner of the quaint road that would lead me to Charlie. I gazed down the street at the mailbox that belonged to my father, calculating my courage and debating whether or not this would be a wise manoeuvre, all things considered.

I stood in the moonlight, on the corner, tapping my foot impatiently as I pondered. It was going to be hard to see Charlie again, that much I knew. "Hard" surely would not even describe it. Perhaps it was necessary, though, if I was going to truly carry on in this world and never again allow my mind to drift backward. I had to see him - to say farewell properly - to move on.

_What if he doesn't live there anymore? _I wondered. No, I was confident that Charlie would never leave Forks. _What if something happened to him? _He could have been hurt on the job, overcome by remorse and grief … Hell, some mythical creature could have swooped in and murdered him by now. Having seen all the things I had, nothing seemed out of the realm of possibility. _What if he has already died of old age? _The last thought was all the motivation I needed to pick up my heavy feet and sprint to Charlie's doorstep. I ran down the left side of the house and ducked under the tree branches that hung low near the back stoop. I stopped in the shadows of the tree, less than a foot from the screen door and listened. It was only just after six on a Tuesday evening. The musky smell of stale fish fry and beer washed over my senses reassuringly, and I knew without a doubt that Charlie still lived there. Amidst the ticking clock hands and the whirring of the appliances, I heard no noises to indicate that Charlie was inside. I crept up to the screen door and peered through the glass window in the upper half of the back door. The house was dark and relatively quiet, yet I saw everything clearly. I could see the entire kitchen and through the archway into the living room. The kitchen was remarkably unchanged from how I remembered it. The walls were a dark wooden paneling and the cabinets still a cheery shade of yellow. From the chips and wear on the paint, it looked as if it was the original coat. The refrigerator was new, but the table and chairs were the same mismatched pieces that had always been there, though there were only two chairs where there had once been three. I remembered the time I had broken the leg off the fourth chair the summer I was five. It was a funny story and made me wonder if there was a similar story behind the latest missing chair. _What else have I missed? _

I opened the screen door, placed my hand on the glass and bit my bottom lip, whimpering in emotional turmoil. The glass held the warm heat of the house and fogged an outline around my frigid hand in contrast.

"Charlie," I whispered through my sobs, closing my eyes and inhaling my father's scent deeply, revelling in the familiarity and sadness. Then three things seemed to happen in lightning-fast unison. First, my nose crinkled with the most putrid smell imaginable. Second, I whirled around so fast that I forgot to let go of the side of the screen door I was holding onto, effectively ripping it from the house and sending it flying into the shadows beside me. Third, I pulled my lips back over my teeth, and released a territorial roar at the unidentified threat. I didn't know yet what I was facing, but I knew instinctually that whatever it was, I had to protect Charlie from it, even if technically he wasn't home at the moment.

I dropped into a fighting crouch and peered into the black perimeter of Charlie's backyard, my instincts screaming at me to just attack blindly. Whatever was hiding in the darkness was lethal. Then, as fast as everything happened at first…nothing happened at all. I remained crouched, glowering into the black corners that even my vision could not penetrate. My breathing was hitched and erratic, knowing at any moment I could be engaged in a fight to the death. A real death. A final death.

Suddenly, whatever was lurking against the back fence didn't seem quite so menacing. And the idea of losing myself in the distant realms of death didn't seem all that bad either. I stood out of my crouch and narrowed my eyes in the direction of the panting I heard coming from the shadows. I took several slow breaths before I dared an utterance.

With my head tilted down slightly, I peeked out over my lashes and arched an eyebrow at the creature. "Well?" I asked simply. There was a sudden rustle of movement, and I instinctively stepped away until my back was pressed firmly against Charlie's door. I swallowed thickly but did not blink as I started to make shapes out of the emerging figure while it approached me.

"Bella?" The low male voice was thick with emotion and confusion. Then the last of the shadows fell behind him as he crossed the back yard in my direction, exposing himself perfectly to me in the faint moonlight.

It was Jake, in his human form, standing there exactly as I would have remembered him in my diluted memories if I allowed myself the luxury. His dark russet skin shone in the white moonlight. He was covered only by a pair of shamefully tattered black sweatpants that had been ripped off at the knees. His hair was long and black and half pulled away from his face, leaving the rest to flow down his back. The expression on his face read the same as his voice; he was drowning in emotion and confusion. He narrowed his eyes at me as they travelled slowly down my immortal body. I choked back my natural unease at the intensity of his stare. When his eyes finally met mine again, a slow grin came over his entire face. He looked dopey. He looked like my old friend Jake.

He bound over to me in three huge strides, throwing his arms around me. Even though my brain was screaming _FRIEND, FRIEND_, my instincts were forcing a different reaction out of me. I ducked out of his embrace and lunged backward several feet, a hiss slipping through my exposed teeth.

"What the hell, Bella?" He was shaking his head at me. "What… you…" He sighed heavily. "But you're here, at Charlie's house…" He cocked his head to the side, leaving the rest of the sentence unspoken, knowing I would understand the parallel. If I was there, then I retained my human memories. If I retained my human memories, than I knew who he was. And, if I knew who he was, and was snarling at him regardless, well then…

"I'm sorry," I rushed the words out of my mouth and into the tense air between us. They were choppy and faint, but I knew he heard them. He closed his gaping mouth and nodded in my direction, accepting my apology.

"Well..." he swallowed thickly, "you can't be here. You need to leave, right now." He spoke the words formally and through his clenched teeth, with no trace of friendship. He was hurt. Crap! I had hurt his feelings. Three seconds back in town, and I had managed to hurt the only person who was ever truly there for me every time I needed him. I closed my eyes and dropped my head in shame. Despite my best efforts, several Jake memories came flooding to the surface of my mind. He was one person I forgot to leave strewn behind me in the river.

"I'm not leaving until I see Charlie," I persisted.

"Like hell you are!" Jake took a giant step in my direction. I stayed still that time. "Not a chance, Bells. No way!" His head shook adamantly from side to side, his nostrils flaring and his eyes boring into mine.

"Please Jake?" I pled. "I just need to say good-bye. He doesn't have to know I'm here." I nodded at my old friend, hoping to influence his answer. Somehow, I understood innately that he held the power to decide whether or not I could stay, unharmed by the rest of the wolves.

"What do you mean 'say good-bye', Bella? You have been gone for almost forty-five years."

"I know." I looked away. Jake didn't need to know the depth of the pain I was going through. "I'm leaving the country. Charlie is old, and… I haven't seen him at all, so…" I trailed off not knowing if I was even speaking coherently or not.

"You haven't seen him? Not since," he raised his eyebrows up and gestured at my immortal body, "you know?"

"No," I answered him honestly.

"Really?" he sounded shocked.

"Of course not; you told me to stay away, remember?" Now that I was calmed and speaking in my usual voice, it chimed out in the still night, melodic and silvery, catching Jake noticeably off guard as he snorted in my direction.

"You listened?" Again, he sounded shocked.

"Of course, I listened, Jake," I raised my voice, quickly growing tired of the banter, not to mention that I was mildly offended by his insinuation. "You were my friend, and you had my best interests at heart, I always knew that."

"Yet here you are," he stretched his long arm out in front of him, gesturing toward Charlie's house.

"Here I am," I snarled through clenched teeth.

The sound of crunching gravel under tires interrupted our staring match, and Jake hurled himself at me. He dragged me unceremoniously by the arm deep into the shadows behind Charlie's busted up fence that backed onto the forest's edge. A truck door slammed, followed by another, and I turned in horror to face Jake. It was Charlie; I could tell by his musky scent, and he had someone else with him. They both smelled of fish and salt water and beer. The two men groaned repeatedly as they moved away from the vehicle. Jake pressed his finger to my lips and it felt like fire. The heat radiating off his body battled sharply with my cold temperature, and I immediately felt uncomfortable. He nodded his head 'yes', demanding that I acquiesce to his request for silence, and tightened his grip around my elbow.

"We can just leave this fishing junk out here for now, Billy," Charlie's tired voice muttered. _Billy! _ I cast a wary glance at Jake; he was staring forward, watching the men's every move like a hawk, a palpable air of authority rolling off his still form.

"No, no Charlie, let's get this stuff inside in case the fish attract any wild animals, huh." Billy smiled and continued rolling toward the back door. "What happened to your door there, Charlie?" His voice was layered with suspicion.

Charlie turned to investigate the door in question and instantly understood what his friend was referring to. He scratched his head and muttered under his breath about vandals. "I don't know. Wasn't like that this morning," he said. Then his eyes seemed to land on something significant, and he did a double take back at the door.

Slowly, he approached the door with caution, his years on the police force clearly kicking in. From my vantage point, all I could see was Charlie facing the back door, his right arm raised slightly.

"What is it, Charlie?" Billy asked.

"Nothing." Charlie's voice wavered with an unspoken emotion as he turned his head back toward Billy. "Nuthin'…" When he faced Billy, I could see that his right hand hovered above the glass on the door. Below his hand, outlined in the smeared remnants of fog, was a slender handprint. His daughter's handprint. His left hand reached down and jiggled the doorknob. It barely moved. Still locked. Charlie dug in his pocket for a moment, retrieved a key, and entered the house. Billy cast a wayward glance out into the forest and then rolled in behind him, closing the door and locking it.

I dropped back on my heels, sighing loudly. I dug my fingernails into the wet earth, dragging them in little lines in front of me, trying to process all my thoughts and emotions. A scorching arm draped across my shoulders and squeezed firmly. Another blanket of heat scooped up one of my tiny, dirty hands and cradled it in my lap. The gesture spoke volumes. Jake was still my friend. In a way, the night was about saying good-bye to much more than just Charlie.

My eyes drifted to the hands in my lap and something caught my attention, glimmering in the moonlight. I lifted my other hand and ran a filthy fingertip across the smooth band of gold on Jake's finger. I looked up into his eyes, my mouth agape. "You imprinted." The words were barely audible and not a question, but a statement. Jake shrugged his huge shoulders and grimaced like a typical married man. I had to restrain a laugh. _Leave it to Jake to make me laugh right now. _I beamed at him, and seeing the momentary smile of happiness on my face brought a similar reaction to his. He squeezed my shoulder again, and I rested my head against him, thinking.

After a long time spent in complete silence, I stood and nodded at Jake. He narrowed his eyes and nodded back, a sad smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

I turned and walked away.


	10. Find Me

EPOV

I thrashed through the outskirts of every city I encountered in my wild flee toward Forks. A sense of urgency swelled inside my chest as I ran. I was desperate to get to my destination, praying that more than anything I had ever wished for, that _this_ would be granted. That Bella would be in Forks, and that we could have the conversation that should have taken place before we left my office at the hospital that night.

Remorse was threatening to drown me, but I knew if I stopped, if I succumbed to the pain, I would be wasting precious time that I did not have. I struggled to focus on my surroundings, but though my eyes were open, I could not force them to see anything that was in front of me. All I could see in my mind was Bella with her huge doe eyes, so innocent and trusting. Eyes that I betrayed, that I disappointed, and eyes that I _did not_ deserve in any capacity. Still, I wanted her more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life. No. Not wanted. Needed. _I need her. _Eternally selfish as I was, I pushed harder…determined to reach her in time.

I was berating myself for the immature errors I made throughout every step of my relationship with Bella. As my mind spiraled and my vision blurred around her eyes, her soft features, her tender touch, I dissolved fully into my memories and ran purely on my other senses, allowing myself to sink further into the past. What was quite obvious was that I was a repeat offender in hurting Bella. Every opportunity where I had the chance to either strengthen our relationship, our commitment and our bond, or to destroy it... I somehow managed to inadvertently ruin us. The more I relived my life with Bella, the clearer it became that I was overly cynical. It was entirely out of character for me to be rash, yet somehow I seemed to know no other way with Bella. I had let that woman down in more ways than I could count, and it was evident, looking back, that I always assumed the worst and acted on it hastily. I never demonstrated any faith or trust in her.

I had always made everything about me; _my_fears, _my_desires. Even when I thought I was doing something solely to protect her, the truth was that I wasn't. I left because I thought somehow, someway I was certain to be the death of Bella. That was something I didn't want on my own conscience. I thought at the time that I was putting aside my own needs for hers, but that was all a lie. I was selfishly creating a scenario that freed me from all the things I feared the most. Granted it was the most painful thing I had ever done, but it was so that _I_would not worry about my influence over her anymore. I didn't place enough conviction in her, or in _us_to stay and fight for a compromise, to fight for a life _together. _I made a decision and acted impetuously. It must have destroyed her on many different levels.

And again the night in the hospital I acted on my natural tendencies. I did not slow down and appreciate the knife point that we were balancing on. The urgency should have been to demonstrate my ability to have faith in Bella. To place myself in the position of vulnerability by confessing to her openly and thoroughly all the things that had weighed so heavily on my heart all those years. All the ridiculous mistakes that made and the pain I had caused others. As absurd as the idea seems, at times I am still so young and foolish. Though I have been around for a long time and have seen much, my mind, my emotions and my capabilities were all frozen at seventeen. I war with that every day of my life. I was warring with it that night. I pushed forward, ignoring the conversations that were too difficult to maneuver around, forcing us down an entirely different path, the wrong path. It backfired in the worst way imaginable, which was quickly becoming an unwelcome theme in my life.

Moreover, revisiting the first major wrong I committed against Bella, I realized how greedy I was. I refused to think about any alternative approach to existing with Bella. Forcing her to remain human was the only option I would consider, _aloud. _The truth was that in the dark and secret recesses of my heart, I wanted her immortality desperately. I wanted it selfishly for myself. I often entertained such thoughts late at night as I held her in my arms and watched her beautiful, peaceful body sleeping. I imagined her inhumanly still, pale and frigid, immortal and mine. I would conjure up scenarios that were entirely out of my control and resulted in Bella's humanity being stripped from her, the need for immortality in order to save her. _Perhaps a vampire battle, Bella accidently trapped in the crossfires. I would have tried desperately to save her but would ultimately be too late. Or nomads running through the city of Forks, her blood too alluring to resist. _

That was why Jasper's attack on her the night of her birthday party affected me so greatly. Never in all my sick and inexcusable fantasies had I ever imagined that one of my own family members would harm Bella. As it unfolded before me, it was like watching one of my most deplorable visions coming to life in the cruelest, most mocking form possible. It left me feeling responsible and ashamed, as if I willed it into fruition. That was the driving force behind my disappearance.

Then, Bella was attacked by one of my kind regardless and entirely as a result of her relationship with me. Yet again, in a scenario that was frighteningly parallel to one I had conceptualized in the past, with the most unforgivable difference being that I was nowhere around to even put forth an effort to save her. I had left her to endure alone. And she suffered the worst pain imaginable - alone - wholly because of me, and I understood that. Knowing what Bella's life had truly been like since we separated was much more agonizing than the happy human life I had always imagined playing out for her.

So I continued to run – in pain, enlightened, and repentant. I ran to Bella. I ran to confess everything to her. I prayed she would grant me that opportunity.

*****

I reined my speed in as I approached the hazy city of Forks, Washington, allowing my senses to drift over everything I passed. I was searching for any sign that Bella had been there as I closed in on the north side of the town. The closer I got to the familiar surroundings, the more my mind flooded with memories, each painfully precise with the crystal clear clarity of an immortal mind. Images and emotions from time spent there almost half a century ago. Not much had changed, as things rarely do in towns this remote. With a heavy heart and an equally heavy sense of dread, I made my way in the direction that I knew _must_ be my first stop. I had responsibilities to my family that I could not deny, not even under these direst of circumstances. Besides, as much as I hated to admit it, the stop could prove beneficial for other reasons. I snarled under my breath at the thought.

With nearly fifty years since my family's departure, I was not overly worried that a human would spot and recognise me. My stint in Forks was relatively brief, and even the kids that I went to school with had to be in their sixties if any were even still around. Nonetheless, I kept a low profile running through the edge of the forest as much as possible. The sun was just starting to rise and force its rays through the misty fog ceiling. However, the cloud coverage was thick and heavy, a typical day in Forks.

I made no noise as I scaled through the dense forests surrounding the Quileute territory. Still, I was confident that my advance would not go unnoticed. I stopped at the treaty line and stood inhumanly still, arms relaxed at my sides. I scoured the forest in front of me for any sign of an approach. If the wolves were still phasing they would come immediately. Yet minutes passed and no one came. Just as I was about to formulate an alternate plan, I picked up on the thoughts of Jacob Black as he came walking towards the treaty line, slowly, and in his human form. His mind was guarded, yet I easily registered that the tenor of his thoughts was cautious. He stopped on his side of the line directly in front of me. His thoughts were impressively controlled, something which I attributed to his years sharing the minds of the entire wolf pack. He had learned how to compartmentalize his mind remarkably well, showing me only what he desired, no matter how hard I probed. I was instantly annoyed. I narrowed my eyes at him, suspicious of _what_ he was blocking from me. Technically, I had no reason to distrust Jacob; I had never had much interaction with him and had never been before him since his transformation. With that said, we were still natural enemies. And it was not lost on me that he harboured much animosity toward me for hurting Bella so badly before. I knew that he had been the one to slowly mend the pieces of her that I left shattered behind me. For that I both owed him greatly and resented him deeply.

The venom was literally pooling in my mouth faster than I could swallow it back. It had been a long time since I stood nose to nose with a Quileute wolf, and Jacob was much larger than me, summoning my defensive instincts. With his russet skin, long black hair that was gathered into a ponytail at the nape of his neck and the palpable air of authority he exuded as he stood tall, he reminded me of the time we met with his great-grand father Ephraim to define the boundaries of the very line we were presently straddling. Currently, it appeared Jacob was the Alpha member of the pack, his inherited right. I refused to be intimidated. If push came to shove, I could effortlessly dismember him along with any strays that came to his rescue, a fact we both knew to be true. Thus, I stared into his black eyes for an immeasurable amount of time, waiting for him to slip and show me something, anything. It was clear he knew why I had come; he was not questioning my presence. He had information I needed. I would stand there as long as it took to get it.

I nodded respectfully at him, acknowledging both his authority and his territory. I swallowed back the latest pool of venom loudly, my muscles tensed in a combination of nerves and impatience. I narrowed my eyes at him further and raise an eyebrow; it was as good as a direct question. _Where is Bella? Is she here, was she here? _He was silent.

"Please, Jacob," I was the first to break the silence, begging him, my desperation apparent in every syllable.

His black eyes penetrated me thoughtfully, and he sighed. There was nothing technically hostile about the way his bore into mine; the only emotions I could see clearly behind them were concern and trepidation. I assumed he was trying to gage the worth of my intentions with Bella. He was her friend and was not going to take this lightly. I knew I had my work cut out for me if I was going to make Jacob believe how truly devoted I was to his good friend. But the silent seconds were agonizing and slowly getting the best of me. My carefully constructed façade of understanding and patience was starting to crumble as my mind reeled at the possibility of what he knew. I could feel every second as it slipped by, potentially driving Bella and I further apart.

I broke his gaze and looked around frantically, inhaling deeply, hoping to catch a taste of Bella in the air. The oxygen was cool and damp as we stood, shrouded in a thick layer of mist. All I could smell was the putrid stench of wolf, burning my nostrils and adding to the difficulty I was already having with appearing tolerant.

"She's not here." I snapped my head back toward him in a blur. He sounded impatient, like he had better things to do than stand there and entertain his mortal enemy. _Fine, if you're going to be like that, I have much better things to do as well, pup,_I thought. A low and threatening growl rose up my throat. I glared at him, all pretence of geniality abandoned. "Figured you wouldn't be far behind her though," he grumbled, granting me the first piece of the puzzle._ She had been here._ Still, his mind had a frustrating lock on his thoughts. I _saw_and _heard_ nothing he didn't want me to, which at the time was not a Goddamn thing.

"Dammit, Jake!" I barked at him. I began pacing back on forth against the treaty line in a blur of movement that I knew Jake's eyes could not absorb. I rubbed the bridge of my nose thinking; he implied she _was_here, which meant she had left already. I needed to find a way to get Jacob to tell me where she was headed. I had to get him to trust me. I counted it as good practice…I was going to have a lot of pleading for trust ahead of me when I caught up to Bella. _If I caught up to Bella._

Minutes later I heard Jacob sigh impatiently. "What are you doing?" he demanded, sounding frustrated and a little disgusted. "You look like serious freak of nature."

"Pacing," I growled at him as I flew by again.

"Why?" _Was he serious?_

I stopped dead where I was, my back to him. Before he knew what hit him I spun and flew at him, crashing into him with my fists clenched tight into his t-shirt. I planted my feet and shoved as his back bent to absorb my force. "Because you won't tell me a fucking thing, and I am about to lose it!" I snarled at him, shaking him for emphasis.

"Huh," he snorted in dismissal and cocked an eyebrow up at me as I stood hovering over his bent form. His eyes slowly drifted down to our feet, then back up to meet my eyes pointedly. While I instinctively secured my footing on the appropriate side of the treaty line, the upper half of my body was arced over it, clinging to Jake. If he wanted to, he had every right to shred me on the spot. I had a hard time caring. He knew something about Bella, and I was desperate.

I rumbled out a low growl and let go, taking a dramatic step backward. "Happy?" I ground through my teeth.

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes. "Did you two have a fight or something?" I glared at him. He wanted to have a Q and A discussion right now?

"Something like that," I responded in a low tone, trying not to give away more than I had to.

"Figured. Do you guys not fight a lot or something? She was really mad." He chuckled light-heartedly in a way that made me want to rip his throat out. The only thing stopping me was that if I did, I would never know what happened with Bella.

I stood a foot from him, grinding my teeth in an attempt to keep them occupied so I wouldn't be tempted to bury them into the soft spot on his neck just above his collar bone. The look on my face must have been frightening. Jacob took a large step back, further emphasizing the invisible boundary between us with a swipe of his hands through the air over the divide. "What?" He gulped when he finally felt confident I was going to stay put.

It took me several moments before I could regain my composure and answer him. My hands were balled at my sides while I worked to steady myself. "Fight?" I whispered. "I didn't even know she was immortal until three weeks ago, Jacob." My tone was wrought with accusation. Logically, I understood this man owed neither me nor my family anything. Still, the irrational part of me was infuriated at the idea of Jake knowing all this time that Bella was immortal while I did not. He knew what had happened and worst of all, he was the one who was there for her.

"You what?" he gasped, furthering my resentment. Detrimental to his own safety, he began laughing darkly. It took everything I had not to launch at him. I actually looked down at my feet, breathing deeply, willing them to stay put. I focused on the soft golden eyes, innocent and sweet, that still loomed in my mind. For Bella, I successfully stayed where I was.

"She never came to me. How would I know?" I was shifting from anger to guilt as our exchange went on. "I _need_ to find her now, Jacob," I pled.

"Well, what happened? Why did she run from you anyway?" Dammit! It was a fair question. It was precisely the question I was hoping to avoid.

"I don't know why she ran." That was the truth. "I know why she was angry." I stared off into the distance, forcing myself to utter the words that would remind me how much pain I saw in her eyes before she leapt off my lap and out my door. "We were both in shock. Confused, hurt, overwhelmed…" I stopped as the last word broke, and I looked away to hide the pain on my face from Jake. He was the last person I wanted to appear weak in front of. I closed my eyes, choking back my emotions. "I don't think she understands _how much_ I have always loved her," I whispered to avoid any further telltale cracks in my voice.

We stood in silence for a long time after that. I kept my eyes closed, thoughts of Bella dancing across the backs of my eyelids, biding my time with as much patience as I could muster.

Then it happened; Jacob's memories stormed my mind. He had been running his usual security route through the wooded areas of Forks, something he did several times a week since we had left town. The route runs behind Chief Swan's house and down the length of the highway, and then circles back up into La Push territory. He smelled the vampire instantly as he approached the house. Intuitively, he was fearful for Charlie's life, and worried it was Victoria or one of her minions. But as he neared, the scent began to transform into something familiar, without directly being anything he could pinpoint. It was soft and fruity, and although the scent caused his fur to stand on its hackles, it was a scent he enjoyed breathing in. He hopped the fence and stood in the shadows behind Charlie's house, head tilted, watching the vampire in awe. Somewhere in the back recesses of his mind he was already wondering if it could be Bella. I watched through his memories as Bella whipped around, ripping the screen door off its hinges, dropping into a defensive crouch.

I knew I should feel scared for her, or worried about what happened next, but all I could think about was how proud I was of her. It was an out of place emotion given the scenario I was watching, yet still I was impressed as she snarled, ready to take on whatever was lying in the shadows. Despite the obvious differences between my soft and clumsy human girlfriend and the lithe and magnificent snarling creature I was watching in his memories, somehow, in that moment, she reminded me of the old Bella. She was strong, stubborn and determined to take on whatever came her way with little regard for logic. Bella had always been a fighter, she even fought for _us_. She fought with as much room as I permitted her. She also fought for her immortality and she tried to fight to convince me to stay in Forks. I knew she battled her own emotional turmoil when she wagered to trust me a second time around. All of those characteristics were beautifully demonstrated as she threatened the monster in the shadows. Then suddenly, she gave up, stood, and scoffed, challenging the monster to reveal himself. _My Bella._

A low hiss slid between my lips as I caught my first real glimpse of Bella's face when Jacob first saw her. She was devastatingly stunning. It hurt me to look at her, to see how beautiful her skin was shimmering in the moonlight, her eyes alight with fear and passion. She was radiant. I noticed the slow and unmistakable sign of her nerves as her teeth raked over her lower lip. Jacob noticed as well. It was alluring to watch the way her tongue slid across her lip as she stared back at him. She smoothed her hands down her sides, steadying herself, but inadvertently drawing Jacob's attention to the rest of her body. I _saw _through his memories as his eyes wandered over her entire body, taking in her every inch with an unnecessary attention to detail. She was stunning. He enjoyed what he saw, though I could tell he had tried not to. It still infuriated me.

I shook my head, shoving aside his thoughts for a moment and growled at him. "You wanna know the rest or not bloodsucker? Your choice. I'm the one doing you a favour here." He glowered at me, shutting off his memories, until I relented and nodded.

He showed me their exchange about her wanting to see Charlie. Her explanation confused me, but I had no time to dwell on it as he hurried through the part where Charlie came home and they hid behind the fence. Something was nagging at me about what Bella had said. I felt as if I was missing something important. Then Jacob was sitting in the brush with his arm around her shoulders while cradling her hands in his. They were comfortable together, and the scene had a distinct air of intimacy. I felt even more undeserving. Jacob had never betrayed her trust. That was why she felt so secure around him. I knew that. I hated that.

As they spoke, Bella smiled at him. I felt the warmth spread through his memory; he enjoyed seeing her smile. She laid her head on his shoulder and he continued running his thumb along the top of her hand. It took every ounce of restraint in my body to not dart over the stupid treaty line and rip his furry little head from his body. Even though I knew most of the jealousy I was feeling stemmed from my own sense of inadequacy and had very little to do with the way they were interacting. It was all very platonic, yet it had me reeling with envy. The thoughts stopped suddenly, and I looked up to see why.

Jake was standing on his side of the line staring at me skeptically. "You look really upset. I figured it was better to just leave it at that. That was basically it anyways. She just… left." He showed me a brief image of her walking away, smiling but looking devastatingly sad. Underneath the evident pain on her face, I saw a look that always made my heart feel like it was going to start back up and speed with anxiety. She had made a decision of some sort. And she was backing away slowly, having said farewell to her past, about to embark on whatever that decision was.

_What's going on, Bella? What decision did you make, love? _Argh, what was I missing! I was evidently overlooking something significant, there was something behind her eyes, _those eyes,_I knew them so well. I knew every niche of every layer in those deep eyes. I often felt like I had spent my entire existence lost in the depths of those eyes, unraveling their mystery and knowing their meaning. In so many ways, I truly have. That was why I was confident that as Bella looked over her shoulder and waved a small good-bye to Jacob, I was missing something. I was staring past Jacob now, replaying the final scene over and over in my mind's eye, forcing something to click in my brain.

Meanwhile, I desperately wanted to reach out to the transparent image and smooth back her tousled hair and kiss her gently on the forehead. I longed to cradle her angelic face in my hands and softly run the tips of my fingers along her jaw to soothe the tension. _If she were here now, would she allow me to touch her,_ my thoughts practically scoffed at me. My heart was wrenching, my mind was whirling. I closed my eyes and darted in a blur of colour over to a large pine tree several yards from where Jacob was standing. I leaned my head against the bark with a tight fist and brought my hand up over my head and punched the tree trunk, releasing some of the frustration that was threatening to overtake me. My heart was hurting, and my mind was not cooperating with me. I was too late, I had missed Bella, and I had no idea where to go from here. Wave upon wave of torment crashed down on me, and for a minute, I had nowhere at all to go, so I stood there, occasionally kicking the tree for good measure.

"Uhhh… okay." Jacob's confused voice broke through the silence. His thoughts were torn between genuinely not caring about my juvenile display and wanting to help if it was what Bella would want. He was chastising himself for having not thought to ask what to do if anyone came after her.

"She'll be fine, you know," he muttered. "Not like I haven't seen her worse." And with that, he recalled the time he saw her worse; so did I. I was so caught off guard by his thoughts that even my breathing stilled. An image of Bella fluttered through his memory. She was more frail than I had ever seen her. Her eyes were bloodshot with dark purple bruises below them, their usual chocolate brown depths shallow and empty. Her cheeks were sunken in and her entire body looked weak. Her arms were crossed in front her body, gripping her sides like she was trying to hold her body together in one piece. In this particular image she was curled up in the driver seat of her truck, heels on the seat with her cheek resting on her knees, staring sideways blankly at Jacob in the passenger seat. She blinked a few times, then seemed to realise he had spoken to her. "What?" Her fragile voice managed to crack even in a whisper. My heart ached like it never had before. Like every morsel of agony that I had felt over the last forty-five years added together to create one huge gaping wound in my heart, possibly in my _soul. _Jacob was remembering Bella after we left Forks. That was what I had done to her. The memory was just before she was made immortal. She lived with and _died_ with that much sorrow? She had carried around that much angst her entire immortal existence. All because of me.

Then I hurt her all over again. There was no possible way to live with myself and the overwhelming guilt from the pain I had inflicted on her every step of the way. My only purpose in remaining alive at that point was to find Bella, to repair everything. I had _so_ much to fix. I didn't know where to begin. However, I was certain of one thing, that I was no longer searching for my own sake, now I understood just how desperately I needed to find Bella to save her from herself.

No longer concerned with holding back my emotions in front of Jacob, I walked over to him and looked him square in the eyes. "I have to find her," I stated simply. "You spoke with her, she had to have said something, indicated anything…. Where should I start?" I looked back out over the vast span of the tree line in front of me. In truth, I was just muttering to myself, I hadn't actually meant for Jacob to answer me. He answered anyway.

"Well, start by leaving The States, bloodsucker," he grumbled under his breath in a tone that implied he thought he was stating the obvious. I looked up at him, and he leered back at me. "What? Didn't she say she was leaving the country and that was why she had to say good-bye to Charlie now? I mean, I take it she doesn't plan on coming back right away. Can't you think of anywhere she would want to go?"

By the time Jacob finished speaking, I was elsewhere completely. I was instantly back in Chief Swan's house, laying on the couch with the warm heat from my girlfriend's body pressing against me as I held her and whispered Romeo's lines softly into her ear. Listening and smirking to myself as with each word I uttered, her heart rate sped. It was the afternoon of her birthday, and she was trying uselessly to escape the grand party my family had planned for her back at my house by watching _Romeo and Juliet_ for school. She smelled amazing as she lay in front of me watching the television, small tears forming in the corners of her eyes as the final death scene played before us. I slowly ran the tips of my fingers along her forearm as it lay comfortably across my leg. She was literally the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. When the movie ended, I made the mistake of telling her that I had newly acquired sympathy for Romeo's plight, though it annoyed me how easy the weak human race had it if they wanted to end their own life. I watched as a look of pure horror washed over her as I explained my contingency plan to visit the Volturi in Italy if anything had ever happened to Bella. She clung to my face, staring into my eyes, pleading with me to understand why she was so upset. "What if something happened to you?" she cried. "Would you want me to go _off_myself?" I grimaced and snarled both in memory and presently at the thought of Bella hurting herself. Of Bella being that desperate, that all she could think of was to end her life.

"Hey bloodsucker! What am I missing?" Jacob snarled at me, crossing the treaty line and coming to stand next to me, a look of worry painted across his features. I turned to him.

"I have to go," I whispered the words to him while my mind continued down the path it was travelling. I was already formulating a plan; I knew I had to move very quickly. I started to back away, leaving Jacob confused. "How long ago was it that Bella was here?" I needed to know.

His features slowly went from confusion to amusement. He almost snickered as he said, "Yesterday - I thought you knew."

Yesterday. _Fucking yesterday! _I was that close to stopping her, to seeing her, to holding onto her even if I had to use force to get her to stay in one place and hear me. _Yesterday?_"Dammit!" I kicked a tree and it fell over in front of me, sending vibrations underneath our feet as it smacked the forest floor.

"Hey!" Jake yelled at me. "Quileutes like nature."

"It's on _my_ side of the line," I growled at him. I held out my hand. "Do you have a cell phone?"

He dug into the pockets of his sweatpants and retrieved a mangled up hunk of plastic. I grimaced at it. "We can't all be millionaires, asshole." He dropped it in my open hand.

"Whatever Jacob," I began, programming my number into his contacts list. "Just call me if you hear anything please." I hit "send" on his phone before handing it back to him, and in my pocket my phone vibrated lightly. "Now I have yours. Good-bye Jacob, thank you."

Once I was clear of Forks and halfway to Seattle and the closest international airport, I grabbed my phone and dialed Carlisle. He picked up on the first ring.

"Edward," he choked into the phone. "What is going on? Alice just came into the study with my phone in her hand telling me it was going to be you and it is important. Did you find Bella?"

"No, Dad," I answered. "But she did stop in Forks and speak with Jacob Black, Ephraim's great grandson. I need you to get on a plane and meet me in Florence as soon as possible." I stumbled over the words that terrified me more than anything ever had.

"Italy?" Carlisle questioned.

"Yes." My voice broke as I struggled to say the next sentence out loud. "I think she is going to the Volturi."


	11. Hope

**A/N: Ahhhh... so I just was schooled as to how to get author's notes on this site by itzmegan73...alas... here I am. Thank you guys so much for all your reviews. For those asking this story started on Twilghted(dot)net and still posts there first. I brought this story over when it had around 7 chapters and uploaded them all at once...hence the low review score... I didnt think that one through very well I guess. lol. I hope you stick with me and enjoy watching Ed squirm as much as I do ;) **

**An never-ending thanks to Megallie for plot0beta'ing this beast. This chapter kicks so much more ass cos of her. Enjoy!**

EPOV

I knew I was drawing attention to myself. I was agonizingly aware of the slew of human eyes that darted in my direction every time I turned around and the incessant thoughts that went with them. I struggled to pull on the reins of the monster inside me, to appear more human. I was bursting at the seams with forced patience as I paced back and forth near the revolving glass doors at the front of the Florence airport waiting for Carlisle's plane to land.

There was one annoying child who was particularly interested in me from where he stood with his mother at the check-in counter. He had been watching me closely for the last ten minutes. I slowed my steps and quit wringing my hands at my sides, instead dropping my arms limply as I continued to walk, slower now, still muttering.

"Mamma," the kid whined at his mother, still eyeing me and yanking at the hem of her shirt as she tried to ignore him and continue conversing with the ticket agent. I stopped for a moment to assess the damage and then resumed pacing, too anxious to hold still for any length of time. I continued to monitor the child through his thoughts as I walked. "Mamma!" he tugged at her shirt again as he traced my every footstep with his eyes. The nerves continued to surge through me, my impatience making it impossible for me to act as human as I would have otherwise preferred.

"Che cosa?" the mother finally responded exasperated, scolding the child and demanding to know what he wanted.

The boy pointed at my back as I strode away from them and asked her what was wrong with me. His mother dismissed the boy's childish zeal with a quick wave of her hand and the briefest of glances in my direction as I spun on my heel and started back. I ran my fingers through my hair and checked my watch expectantly. Still twenty minutes until Carlisle's plane was due to land. I sighed anxiously.

Meanwhile, the boy's mother had drawn the obvious conclusion that I was worried and told the boy that sometimes travelling makes people nervous and to ignore me. _Solid advice, mom,_my mind sneered as I shot a fierce glance at the boy who was still tracking my movements with precision. He shuddered noticeably and hid in front of his mother legs, weaseling between her and the ticket desk. A quick scan through the remaining minds around me reassured me that it was just the child who was so thoroughly fixated on my oddities, and he was now too frightened to even look up. I should be in the clear. I resumed pacing.

Finally, I picked up on Carlisle's thoughts approaching as he quickly made his way to where I was waiting. He was as anxious as I was, though for different reasons. While he too feared for Bella's safety and her unknown whereabouts had him nervous, his thoughts were consumed with a greater fear of approaching the Volturi with our dilemma. If we wanted their help, we were going to have to tread carefully. He nodded at me as he rounded the corner, and I reached down, grabbed the battered messenger bag I was travelling with and headed toward the exit. A few moments behind me he emerged from the rotating glass and came to stand on the curb with me.

"Edward." His voice wavered and sounded heavy as he forced my name out. I wasn't sure if it was merely an acknowledgement or a question. His mind raced. I could see that his goal was just to get me in the room with Aro and his brothers. If any reports had trickled back to them of a new European nomad, or perhaps even a suicidal female, then I would hear it in their thoughts. I just had to get close enough to hear and to broach the subject.

When I first phoned Carlisle with my fears that Bella had gone to Italy to perhaps kill herself, Alice quickly tore the phone from his hands and scolded me ruthlessly for ever thinking so little of Bella. She insisted that Bella had not been to Volterra for any reason and that to act so carelessly would be beyond her character. Alice was offended that I would even entertain such a dark notion. However, she didn't know what I knew. She hadn't been there the afternoon that I explained all about being so utterly shattered that provoking the Volturi in search of a sure death was the only avenue worth pursuing. For once… Alice really did not know everything. Not to mention that Bella clearly knew how to fly under the aggravating little sprite's radar.

Regardless of Alice's opinions, which translated more like threats, I managed to convince Carlisle that Italy was the most logical step. Whether Bella had been to Volterra seeking their services or if she was running nomadically somewhere in Europe, the Volturi's thoughts were a great place to resume searching. Without it I would literally be hunting for an invisible, non-existent creature in a haystack of a world that not many knew existed. Just the idea was daunting. Thus, with apprehension, Carlisle agreed to join me.

It was only then, in the presence of his thoughts, that I realised the full cause of his trepidation. He was concerned about disclosing too much about Bella to Aro. I recalled how Carlisle once mentioned that Aro had an affinity for collecting exotic vampires with strong gifts and enticing them to join his guard. Carlisle was certain that Aro would become fixated by the depth and strength of Bella's shield if he were to see it demonstrated in my memories, both my own and those that she shared with me herself. Because, somewhere in the recesses of my mind were the memories of Bella showing me when she realised what her gift was - all the times she had toyed with it and stretched it to its capacity to see what she was capable of. She was an utterly brilliant shield, perhaps the strongest in existence. It blew my mind and overwhelmed me with pride when she shared her ability with me. Carlisle was right - if this information made its way to Aro, he would surely try to acquire her. Thus, the problem became finding a way to retrieve the information that we were after without allowing Aro to know of Bella's gift.

In a sharp contrast to my neurotic pacing activities in the airport lobby, I had spent the last five minutes simply balancing on the edge of the curb outside, staring straight ahead and standing shoulder to shoulder with Carlisle as he recited his every thought and apprehension for me. I absorbed his worry, choking back my own growing sense of dread as it built inside my chest. I couldn't see any other way. It was just going to be a risk I had to take, allowing Aro to know about Bella. There was no ruse valid enough that would bring my father and me before the brothers if we weren't desperate for their help. And I knew Aro would want to _see _the source of our desperation firsthand.

Carlisle's mental voice calling my name snapped me back. _Edward… I will show him. I will permit him my perspective on the matter. Given our history and friendship, I owe it to him to allow him my hand and my thoughts. There is no reason he needs the information directly from you. Besides, it would be too painful. _He sighed deeply, and I looked over at him. He stared ahead, hands in his pockets, as the taxis came and went before us, never actually seeing them.

I nodded in silent agreement. I knew it would a nightmare for him as well if ever Bella was forced down the wrong path, such as a dark and unrewarding existence with the guard. I tried to ignore the nagging guilt and fear I felt at Aro dragging Bella down a path she did not choose herself all the while I hunted her down so that I could force myself on her. _No, this is different,_ I reminded myself. _Bella is acting on false information, and she is being utterly irrational. _I shook my head sternly to clear my conscience. Yes…this was entirely different.

_Let's go,_ Carlisle commanded as he began walking away from me. _I think we should run to Volterra from here - it will be faster than renting a car and travelling the roadways.__I know a shortcut through the back country - we will be there in two hours time. _He glanced over at me to make sure I was paying attention. I met his eyes and nodded, eager to finally be doing something proactive. _Follow me,_he said.

As soon as we were outside of human eyesight we tore off through the Italian countryside sticking to the trees and brush - running faster than any human eye would be capable of detecting anyway. As we ran, Carlisle reminded me of everything I already knew about the members of the Volturi and their guard. Their names and ranks, their specific abilities and any history he knew on each of them. As nervous as I was to stand before their royalty, I had to admit that they were the eyes and ears of the entire vampire world. Everything that transpired found its way back to them. They had soldiers everywhere; watching, guarding, and relaying…if Bella was out there somewhere, they were undeniably the best place to start looking. Even if Aro had no intention of telling me, someone in the room would think the information that I would need to carry on. If any of them knew anything about Bella's whereabouts, by the time I left the walls of Volterra, so would I. That hope kept me pushing forward.

We reached the exterior walls of the city quickly, as Carlisle promised, and slowed our pace as we carried on through the city threshold and toward the castle. With each step the searing knot in my chest grew. I was grateful that it was I that could read minds, and not the other way around as I chanted to myself, _please let this work, please let this work. _Images of my love were running frantically through my mind while I prayed that I would find Bella soon. The disturbance it created in me not knowing where she was or if she was safe was exponentially more difficult to cope with than in the past. It was a different situation altogether. Bella was now an immortal, an occurrence far too great to be ignored. She was hurt – by me nonetheless, and as a result she was now running scared. My worry for her was crushing. And now, more than ever in the past I was convinced she was thoroughly mine. She was mine to care for and mine to protect. I had to find her. I was growing more and more disoriented without her as time went on.

I walked beside my father in silence as we neared the castle. He was working to force all worry from his mind, but before he erased his fears entirely, I caught a brief glimpse at something new that had arisen in him. It was not just Bella's gift he wished to keep out of the Volturi's hands, he was also uneasy about coming to Volterra with me in tow. It was an innate urge to protect his family, his _son,_ that had kept him away from these walls over the last hundred and fifty plus years. He worried what Aro's reaction to my gift would be. Though similar in nature to his own, my ability was more extensive. Not to mention that not many vampires came within the Volturi castle walls of their own volition. Most were either dragged through the doors to face a violent end in the name of "justice" or lured in with the promise of a glorious life in the guard. Among other things, Carlisle was worried about my introduction to the universally powerful members who made up the ruling body. I obstinately ignored his thoughts and continued forward.

We made our way through the heavy wooden doors at the head of the castle and over to the modern lift at the far end of the dimly lit foyer. Carlisle took the lead, I stayed a few steps behind him, trying desperately not to let the palpable nerves that were rolling off of him penetrate my resolve. _We are doing the right thing._ I could feel that truth building inside of me. For some inexplicable reason, I knew that coming to Volterra was going to lead me to Bella. The elevator doors opened and we exited into the brightly lit room that was clearly the "tourism" lobby. A human girl was seated at a reception desk, eyeing us heavily as we approached.

"May we proceed up the stairwell?" Carlisle spoke to her warmly yet with an irrefutable air of authority, nodding his head toward the back wall. There was no stairwell in sight. I looked around trying to mask my confusion as curiosity. I could see the stairwell in his thoughts.

"Of course," the woman's richly accented voice granted. I remained a few feet behind my father, following his lead, entirely confused but knowing he knew where he was going. We walked to the far right corner of the room, where the back wall was lined with ancient tapestries. Carlisle looked back, ensuring no one had entered the tourism room behind us. No one had. He collected the edge of the last tapestry in his hand, pushed it aside and walked behind it. I followed.

The stairwell was dark and damp; we were obviously in one of the castle's many turrets, climbing higher into the building. We sped up the long spiral of stairs and into what I gathered from Carlisle's thoughts to be the anterior room to where the Volturi masters were convened. I could register their eager thoughts from the other side of the doors. They had already been informed of our arrival, and Aro was perceptibly thrilled.

There were several large guards at the door. Carlisle spoke quickly with them, and soon the heavy wooden doors behind the guards were opening. He walked stoically through them, knowing I would be behind him. He had a commanding posture and a firm gait - I had never seen his presence so powerful. I felt I was getting a small insight into what his life and persona had been like during his stay there. I understood easily why he left. It was very contradictory to the man I knew and respected - the gentle-natured family man I loved. The fact that he remained with the Volturi for so long spoke volumes of his sense of loyalty. _Or of the Volturi's capability to dominate,_my mind taunted me.I quickly forced the latter thought away as I continued to walk through the long room to where the three leaders were seated like the royalty that for all intents and purposes they were. Through Carlisle's thoughts, I knew who each vampire in the room was with very limited exceptions. There were a few extraneous guards near the front corners of the room who must have been acquired after Carlisle's departure. The fact that after almost two centuries Carlisle still knew nearly every guard in the room gave me the impression that once you became a part of the Volturi, you seldom left. I gained a new appreciation for the man whose lead I was following.

Aro stood from where he was seated, his hands clasping wildly in front of him, overjoyed at seeing Carlisle approaching. He made his way down the several steps that separated the platform of thrones with the rest of the room. He stopped a few feet in front of us and smiled eagerly, his youthful exuberance contrasting sharply with all that I knew of his iron reign.

"Carlisle," he exclaimed, clapping his hands together eagerly as he spoke. "Old friend!" As Aro approached I was busy devouring every thought that ran through each mind in the room, ravenous with my need to find something, anything. I was caught off-guard to see how genuine Aro's delight was at seeing my father.

Though I had _seen_ Aro in Carlisle's thoughts on many occasions, his appearance still came as a bit of a shock to me. His skin was chalkier and thinner than any vampire I had ever seen, off-setting his jet black hair sharply. It wasn't lost on me that the two men stood facing one another conversing, yet remained several feet apart. I was aware of the unspoken code of respect amongst the Volturi members regarding Aro and his ability. Aro granted them physical space unless requested otherwise or unless he himself was suspicious of treason. Apparently, Aro respected Carlisle enough to graciously extend the code to him after all these years.

I was still busy scanning the thoughts in the room when I heard Carlisle explaining to Aro which son I was. My head instantly snapped back to Aro - the moment my name was mentioned, his thoughts ran rampant with an untamed intrigue as he stared at me with wide eyes and an animated smile. He began making his way over to me, scrutinizing me closely – gaping into my eyes yet looking past them entirely. He was looking at me as if he could see into my mind. I reflexively took a precautionary step backward. I worked to keep my features friendly while my mind frantically sought out a way around his touch. I glanced over at Carlisle, who stood frozen in place - even his breathing ceased - as he analyzed the scene before him. He gave me a reassuring nod. His thoughts were trying to convince us both that Aro would not force himself on me given the amicable circumstances of our visit. However, he could not hear the intrigue in Aro's mind that I could. Carlisle implored me to relax quickly before they became suspicious. I instantly did as I was told. Perhaps a moment too late, as the regal creature floated toward me, robes billowing ominously behind him in a brilliant red wave. Aro eyed me inquisitively. _Shit._ He noticed the moment's panic that ripped through me before I forced my composure. He also noticed my backward steps and stopped abruptly before me.

"I beg your pardon son," he spoke smoothly. Too smoothly, his voice sang with a villainous air. I was instantly panic-stricken; perhaps I shouldn't have acted with such haste in coming to Volterra. I should have been more willing to discuss it with Carlisle or entrusted Alice's services more thoroughly. I chastised myself yet again for my haste and perpetual sense of urgency. _When will I ever learn?_

I stopped backing away and looked up at Aro where he stood, directly in front of me, much closer than he had stood with Carlisle. Carlisle could insist whatever he wanted to, but he couldn't hear Aro's thoughts. Aro was determined to touch me - by force if necessary. He was wildly excited to _see_ the way my ability worked. I gave him no indication that I was going to deny him that. And when I spoke, I willed my voice to remain silken and pleasant.

"Aro," I nodded at him. "It is an honour to finally meet you," I greeted him sincerely. Despite our reservations, it _was_ an honour; they were our Royalty after all.

"Nonsense young one," he dismissed my statement with a flutter of his wrinkled fingers. I tried not to let the term "young one" bother me. I supposed when you were millennia old, everyone was young to you. _Don't underestimate me,_ my eyes narrowed infinitesimally at him – a subtle warning. Aro smiled and glided back toward the center of the room, between the two of us and closer to his brothers. His thoughts were focused on hospitality, but there was a draw toward me that was still weaving behind his thoughts. _Goddammit, he is going to touch me._A small scoff escaped my lips, and I quickly diverted my eyes toward the massive oil paintings scattered around the room to mask my indignation.

"Well now," Aro spoke slowly, cautiously, as he alternated his eyes between Carlisle and me. "Should I begin guessing what brings you here, friends, or are you willing to tell me." The words _tell me_hung heavily in the air between us. I took a deep breath and smiled forcibly.

"We have come for me," I began, remaining where I was and hoping Carlisle would jump in soon. He didn't fail me.

"We were hoping you could help us with something," Carlisle seamlessly continued my sentiments, or so I thought. "Edward has a bit of a situation…" he trailed off as it became apparent that Aro was no longer paying attention to him. Aro's eyes were glued to mine, his thoughts swarming around our blatant attempt to divert his attention from me to my father. Naturally, this fuelled his intrigue.

"Hmmm…" Aro mused. Then, knowing my capability, he addressed me silently, while behind him, Marcus straightened in his throne visibly, sensing the heightened tension in the air, his interest finally piqued. _Come here…now,_ Aro demanded simply, leaving no room for negotiation. My shoulders slumped as I took my first step. Carlisle watched furiously, aware that Aro must have made various demands and perhaps even threats directed at me silently in order for me to willingly offer myself to him.

"Aro!" Carlisle's voice shot through the marble room, ricocheting off the hollow walls. Aro's eyes left mine and locked on Carlisle's. Aro's thoughts were calm yet highly intrigued, while Carlisle's were increasingly harsh. "Let him be, Aro," he pled. "You can see everything you need to see through me." Carlisle took a step toward the spot where Aro towered over me, perched on the first step of the throne platform, while I remained below him, looking back and forth between the two men. I had the added and much appreciated advantage of hearing both of their thoughts. I knew I must proceed.

"It doesn't matter, Dad," I mumbled through clenched teeth, holding my left hand in the air, waving him off. Several guards' eyes widened slightly at the use of the word "Dad". I looked back at Carlisle through Aro's eyes as he halted his approach. I shook my head at no one in particular. "He has every intention of hearing everything through me, knowing every corner of my mind…by force if necessary." I seethed the last few words as I glared at the Royal figure. I had come hoping that I would stand before the honourable governors of our world; clearly, that was an overly romantic idea. I should have realized that for Carlisle to be wary the threat was very real.

"Now, now, now." It was Aro's velvet voice that broke the tense silence as he slowly shook his head, tutting at me in offense. "It doesn't have to be like this." He stared long and hard into my eyes as he spoke, his palms still clasped in front of his chest, his right index finger drumming slowly against the other.

"Doesn't it?" I cocked my eyebrow up at him. His mind was made up, and he was going to steal from me my every thought and emotion whether Carlisle and I approved or not. Our actions earlier sparked his curiosity, and now he was past the point of no return, his intrigue feverish. He was already arranging his contingency plan to unleash Felix on me the instant I gave any sign of opposition. I made a dramatic show of casting my glance over to where Felix stood at attention near the front doors, ensuring Aro knew I was _always_in his head - contact or not, I had that advantage.

Though truthfully, I had no advantage at all. One look at Felix and I knew there was no point in resisting. He stood at nearly seven feet and was more muscular than a bear. I didn't have a hope in hell of fighting him off successfully. Resigned, I turned back to find Aro staring at me, a smug smile stretched across his thin lips.

"Well, I dare say we have reached an agreement then, yes?" He smirked. As the words slithered over his tongue and through his teeth, a visible shudder rippled through me. I closed my eyes. _I'm sorry, Bella, I really thought this was the way to find you. Please don't let them get to her first,_I prayed. I knew once Aro saw the unrefined strength behind Bella's shield, he would desire her for his own selfish wants. I held out my hand.

Cold - even to my own frigid touch - long fingers encircled my wrist slightly tighter than was necessary. I kept my eyes closed. I prayed for an out of body experience, to be anywhere but there. To see and hear anything except every painful memory I have ever had. _Which describes them all,_my mind leered at me. True. Even if they were once happy moments, they were long gone and now they ached.

As I stood with my arm outstretched, waiting to relive my entire waste of an existence in fast-forward, the images came sharp and fast. They danced across my closed eyelids like images on a movie screen. Everything moved at rapid-fire speed but not so fast that my mind didn't absorb every detail all over again. Every breath, every human memory, every ache and pain - every ounce of loneliness, morsel of hope and twinge of apprehension.

I hissed lowly as I saw Bella for the "first" time. I felt each second that I spent near her in whimsical perfection. Venom pooled in my mouth as I relived how strongly her blood beckoned me. I choked it back, feeling the familiar flames as they flared up my throat and the old ache as it overwhelmed my heart. Aro felt the burn as well. Venom was quickly coating the inside of his mouth and throat as he felt my draw. A protective growl clawed its way from my chest, and I opened my eyes to stare at Aro. His eyes were drawn shut but he licked his lips and revelled in the aroma of Bella's blood. A low chuckle escaped him as the growl continued to rumble in my chest. He was enjoying this. I was still praying for a mercy that was not going come.

Alternatively, because the gods truly loathe me, every memory of Bella seemed to replay in slow motion, the sensations amplified. The temptation, the time I fled to escape the obsessive thoughts, the times I saved her life, the nights I held her and hummed her to sleep in the dark comfort of her bedroom. I closed my eyes again and tried in vain to focus on Bella's beautiful, flushed face, waiting for it to all be over. Somehow, these seconds were lasting lifetimes. A low whimper escaped my lips and somewhere in the far recesses of my mind I heard my father's chanted prayer for this to be swift. _Swift? Surely, it had already been hours of torture. _

Aro's grip around my wrist tightened as he danced over a memory of Bella and me in the meadow, alone on a blanket in the wet mist. The rain had always heightened Bella's scent and the sweet appeal of her blood swirled in the air all around me. I lay with her, running my fingers along her sides and softly kissing her. My mouth moved against hers, drawing her bottom lip gently into my mouth, sucking lightly, carefully avoiding the sharpness of my teeth. I kissed along her jaw and over the spot on her neck that beat the strongest with the life that coursed just beneath the paper thin protection of her skin.

Mercifully, we soon came to the present, and Aro relinquished my hand but remained still, his eyes closed. My arm dropped to my side, and I swallowed hard. It seemed loud in the quiet marble room, the sound echoing off the walls as we all waited for Aro to do or say something. His thoughts were teetering between my many silent exchanges with my siblings, my constant awareness of the river of thoughts all around me, and my encounter with a much stronger, much more talented and immortal version of my once fragile girlfriend.

I continued to stare at his closed eyelids, waiting for an outward reaction, all the while noting cautiously his interest in both myself and Bella, gauging his every thought with care. Minutes passed and still he remained unmoved. Behind me, Carlisle was pleading for my patience, noticing my hands balling at my sides.

Then Aro opened his eyes slowly, a small smile playing at his lips. I didn't trust that smile. I raised my eyebrows at him, a look of disgust colouring my own features, reminding him that I heard everything. He nodded almost indiscernibly.

"I see," he whispered quietly. He swallowed thickly and cast his gaze toward Carlisle. "Extraordinary." He mouthed the word more than uttered it, still managing to inflect his awe. "All of it! And so, am I correct to assume it is the runaway girl that has brought you before me?" His smile grew, and something about his thoughts was simultaneously menacing and genuine. I choked back any reaction it elicited and nodded in silent response.

"It is not just your gift, son, with which I am impressed." He turned to face his brothers and began explaining animatedly all that he saw in my memories. "You should have _seen_ everything!" He exclaimed excitedly, stepping toward the brothers.

Eventually he spun back toward us, pausing momentarily in his retelling of my relationship with Bella to his brothers. "But she was not just any human, was she?" he smirked. "La _tua cantante,_ no less." His words were feather light. "Were you all aware at the time? Did you realise the intensity with which her blood sang to him?"

Carlisle nodded. "Yes, we suspected, though none of us could be sure, having never faced it ourselves." He glanced at me, apologetic to the pain the discussion was causing me. He tried to expedite the process. "But now she is immortal and lost. We came here hoping that someone has heard something of her. We suspect she is in Europe somewhere, though where specifically we have no way of knowing. I'm sure you saw Edward's initial fear - that she was so depressed she would come to you seeking annihilation. As well, you must have seen his sister's affirmation that this did not happen. From there… we know nothing. And we have nothing to work from. It is obvious how important Bella is to our entire family, thus we are hoping that you can fill in some blanks. Or at the very least…" he trailed off and his expression became severe. His thoughts remained focused on the conversation, yet his expression carried a clear warning. "Please be gracious enough to grant us your promise that if any report comes your way of Bella's location or activities, you will send word to us at once." Carlisle smiled at Aro meaningfully. "That is essentially all we have come to ask."

Aro, who had been nodding in agreement the entire time Carlisle spoke, once again turned to his brothers to relay all the information that they were missing. "We knew of the boy's human girlfriend if you recall brothers, years ago, when word of her… how shall we say it? _Thorough _knowledge was brought to our attention." he leered over his shoulder at me. "Well, it seems through an odd twist of events, the girl became separated from Edward and was made to be immortal without them. The coven has just recently discovered this. But upon their reunion the girl was…" Aro trailed off looking back at me and snickering. Guilt washed over me at all he had seen - the monstrous behavior that once divided my family and led Bella to flee from me. I looked away as Aro continued speaking with his brothers. "Well, suffice it to say that she is his mate and he has been suffering greatly for many years in her absence." He proceeded to recite in detail the intimate memories he stole from me. I stared at my feet willing the tale to be retold quickly, wondering how many times I was going to have to relive the most beautifully agonizing moments of my worthless life.

When Aro finished speaking with the brothers he remained still for some time. The silent conversation dancing back and forth between their locked gazes was completely open for me to hear. It was then that I saw the truth; they knew all along Bella was an immortal. _Of course they knew, _I chastised myself, _they know everything! _

"So now they are here in search of our assistance in locating her. Isn't that right, old friend?" Aro whirled around to face Carlisle, his robes flaring out at his sides. I had gone back to stand closer to my father in a futile attempt to soothe some of my anguish by being nearer to him. He had a reassuring hand gripped tightly on my shoulder as he nodded in agreement to Aro.

"Well," Aro directed his words toward us, "it is wise to seek our help, friends. If you suspect she is somewhere near, then no doubt word of a new European nomad will eventually trickle toward us. When it does, you have my word that we will redirect the information to you promptly."

I became suddenly aware of the sardonic thoughts coming from somewhere behind me.

_This kid needs to smarten up. If this shield is as strong as Aro indicates, there's not a chance in hell that he will give her up. Not even for a precious "happy-ending"_

The snide thoughts continued until I could no longer resist the urge to look over my shoulder. Although there were nearly a dozen various guardsmen behind me, centuries of practise allowed me to pinpoint the source by the time I finished turning my head. Demetri. I glared headily at him while maintaining awareness of Aro and Carlisle's conversation so as to be sure I was not drawing attention to my diversion. They continued on about how much Bella meant to our entire family and how integral my father believed she was to not just my happiness, but my very survival. I was relieved to have the distraction of Demetri's obnoxious thoughts to pull me away from that topic.

As I continued to glare at the guard in the back of the room, he artfully avoided ever connecting with my eyes - staring straight ahead, hands clasped obediently behind his back, never once indicating that he was having disloyal thoughts about his master. Instantly, I distrusted him. _Seditious_, my mind accused as he continued his dead-eyed gaze forward. His thoughts continued.

_You can glare at me all you want, kid, it won't change a damn thing. Don't misunderstand me… Aro will certainly help locate your beloved mate. Yes…he will hunt her down all right. He will trap her, guilt her and damn near shackle her. She won't feel she has a choice in the world. He will promise her any hint at whatever salvation she craves in exchange for her services. And she will agree. We always agree…_

His thoughts tapered off, and a hint of sadness fluttered through his mind. As quickly as he changed gears the first time, he switched back to patronizing me silently.

_You might consider easing up on the attitude; it does nothing to serve your needs. For when Aro becomes frantic to find this female and test her shield to see whether she is as good as you claim, while he remains here in Volterra governing the world... who is it that will be hunting down the very aura of your girl? Me. I will hunt her like the helpless prey that she is and return her to Aro for his own… how shall I say… private uses._ His silent voice snickered at me.

He now had my full attention. A long, cold chill shivered down my body. Bella forced to serve in the Volturi. Bella in red robes, _red eyes…_No! Still staring at the tracker, I scowled, focusing all my energy on not dashing over to him and taking him on. Only the memory of the enormous Felix kept my feet planted where they were.

Still, even through my anger and fear, I had doubts. I doubted that this arrogant man, or any tracker for that matter, would be capable of tracking Bella with her shield. I had no idea of all the capacities of her shield, and even less of an idea as to how Demetri worked. Would he be able to track her? Did I want him to be able to? At least that offered me some semblance of hope. Something to wish for. _A happy ending -_ something deep inside me clenched and begged at the thought of this_. _Perhaps Aro would not be as interested as Carlisle and Demetri seemed to think he would be. I had no inclination as to how strong Renata was, but she must be quite powerful – perhaps the fight to exchange the shields would not prove worthwhile.

My reservation must have been painted all over my face as I glanced in the direction of the guards against the back wall. Suddenly, my name was being shouted silently. I shook my head lightly to clear the horrible images that still danced in my mind and focused my vision. Abruptly, I met a pair of burning red eyes set intently on mine. Seconds ticked by as we battled wordlessly, until finally a coherent thought streamed through his mind.

_Oh…I will find her_.

I wasn't sure if it was a threat or a pledge for help.

**A/N: So is Demetri a friend or foe? Lemme know what you think please. And I am truly dying to know what your thoughts are as to where and what Bella is doing with herself. Hi that shiny little review button down there and me and Ed will continue the search for Bella. Thanks!**

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	12. Ready

**A/N: Your reviews are seriously blowing me away! You have no freaking idea... I happy dance and fist pump and jump on the couch *true story* For all of you who are too sweet for words wondering why this story has so little reviews...rest assured, its because I am a moron and it is not a reflection of the story. I brought the story over from Twilighted(dot)net a few months ago when it was already at something like 9 chappies and I loaded them all at once... thus I received no reviews on the first 9 chaps... yeh.... Im not the brightest, moving on. Continue the ride with me guys, it starts getting pretty rocky right about now. And by rocky I of course me insanely HOT lol.**

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APOV

My throat blazed as I rocked back and forth, crouched on my haunches on the attic floor of our home, arms wrapped tightly around my knees and eyes glued shut. I had been in the dark and quiet hole for much longer than I cared to admit. Though really, I had no idea how long it had been. There were no windows, and not so much as a morsel of sound permeated the thick floorboards. I had no frame of reference whatsoever. Occasionally, I could feel a few faint tingles of voice vibrations when my family was home, other than that this place was a thinkers' paradise.

I took a deep cleansing breath and begged myself to _see_something. _Come on Al… something, anything. Bella… think of Bella. Think of her running – where is she going, what is she seeing? _Familiar flickers of green brilliance flashed rapidly, accompanied as always with the deafening sound of rushing water. _Aghhhh..._ I whined mentally to myself. I was really beginning to get annoyed with all the green and water noises. It was the same stupid, trivial vision I had being seeing for the last three weeks. I knew it was a past tense vision, something that I saw as Bella saw it, but that never fully came into focus enough to give away anything of significance. And every time I tried to force something out of my stupid brain I would get the flickers again. _So annoying,_I huffed.

I could barely even see anything when I tried to search Edward's future. He was literally flying by the seat of his pants, acting on any whim he got while searching for Bella and making things incredibly difficult for me. _Don't these people know I am trying to help them? _Well… yes… I suppose Bella _did_realize I would be trying to track her with my ability. Clearly she knew me too well and had managed to elude my visions once before by existing in the moment. I suspected she had every intention of doing it again.

A thin beam of light shot across the black crawl space and attacked my hibernating pupils, eliciting a hiss from me. "Easy tiger, it's just me," Jasper joked as he climbed nimbly through the entrance to the attic with a book under his arm and a magazine in his hand. I peeked through one eye and glared at him over the tops of my knees as he began crawling languidly across the dusty floor to the far corner where I was crouched. Despite my edgy mood, I had to admit… he looked darn delicious sliding along the floor all predators-like. I opened my other eye and offered him a sweet smile as a peace offering. I could never be mad at Jazzy for longer than a nanosecond.

"See, now that's my girl," he crooned in his smooth Southern lilt, the corners of his mouth nearly meeting the creases of his eyes as he smiled a gigantic Jasper smile. The rest of my posture thawed out, and I relaxed into the natural comfort that being near him afforded me. He stopped directly in front of my face and let his smile slip a little. He sighed; it sounded troubled and it broke my heart. I had been up here for so long, neglecting everyone but my own twisted little mind, and my poor husband missed me. _I miss him. _He leaned into me and planted a soft kiss on my lips before crawling next to me and leaning against the wall.

I turned my head to face him and giggled out loud. He looked so silly hunched over trying to wedge his tall frame into the small nook where the roof narrowed to meet the wall. It was my turn to sigh. He nodded in understanding; we were entirely in tune with one another after so many years spent as one.

"I have to fix it," I whispered. Suddenly, the quiet felt overwhelming, and I felt guilty for disturbing it.

"I know," he nodded again, repositioning himself as he did so. He grabbed the book and magazine that were nestled under his arm and the laid them aside. I sat up straighter trying to peek around him to see what they were, my curiosity always getting the better of me. He reached down and gripped my hips firmly, pushing me forward a foot so he could crawl behind me. I reached over for the magazine and caught a glimpse of the familiar white writing on the thick black spine. A wave of excitement rocketed through me, and Jazz snickered as I reached out and eagerly yanked the magazine to me. In my haste, the heavy hardcover book went flying across the floor, opening and sliding until it collided with the wall twelve feet away with a thud.

"Oopsies." I peeked over my left shoulder at Jazz with my usual wide grin. He laughed and shook his head, sending his blond curls flying. Content that he wasn't mad at me, I snuggled back against him and let the excitement set in as I drooled over the cover of the new winter _Maison Michael_ couture accessories catalogue. I squealed as I turned the first thick, glossy page while Jazz stretched his long legs along either side of me. "Ooh, fishnet bunny ears," I shrieked, feeling his body shake and the warm wisps of breath on my neck as he continued chuckling at my enthusiasm. "What _was_ that anyway?" I asked, nodding in the direction of the hardcover missile.

"Just my ancient copy of Sun Tzu," he answered through his teeth in a low and cautionary tone. It was meant to sound threatening - to me it just sounded sexy.

I bit my lip feeling truly chagrined. "And by ancient you mean…" I trailed off, knowing it was highly unlikely Jasper borrowed a copy of _The Art of War _from the local library.

He chuckled, bouncing me against him as he whispered in my ear, "It's okay, it wasn't a _first_ edition or anything." Oh good. I blew out the breath I was holding and leaned against him once more. _Sixth Century BC literature can be very difficult to replace_. "I just thought you might want to take a break and read with me for a bit," he continued, relaxing his head against the wall, absentmindedly running a single fingertip up and down my spine.

"Thank you, Jazz," I purred, reclining my head against his right shoulder, abandoning even European fashion to welcome his affection. His small touches slowly began unraveling weeks of tension. I closed my eyes and sighed contentedly, relaxed against his chest as it rose and fell rhythmically with each breath.

His left hand stopped its ministrations, and I felt his thumb glide underneath my eye to show his disapproval of the deep purple bruises from my lack of feasting. I just hadn't been in the mood to hunt. There were larger problems, things bigger than me and definitely bigger than my stupid need to eat or whatever. I just had to see something that could be helpful - anything but bright green flickers and Edward going to Italy when I already _told_ him Bella wasn't going to be there.

Wait… Something traipsed through my mind haphazardly. I shut my eyes tighter, getting a glimpse of something. A blond man in a red robe, Volturi guard I assumed. He was speaking with Edward. It was frustratingly out of focus, and I could not even tell where they were. The buzz I heard in the background was chatter, so it clearly was _not_ the castle. I tightened my face up in concentration, trying to bring the shot into focus. Annoyingly, it was having the opposite effect, as the image dissipated, melding into the black of the backs of my eyelids. I growled in irritation.

Jasper's hand moved lower, his fingers slipping beneath my chin, pulling gently with his fingertips to angle my head away from him. He bent down and breathed my name into my ear. It was drawn out and reproving, a warning against over-exerting and damaging myself. He placed a warm kiss on my exposed neck, gently licking the sweet spot where the blood would be drumming the loudest were I still human. It is a very appealing spot for us regardless. He kissed it again, then rested his chin on my shoulder. "Come hunt with me, please, Alice. You need it." He sighed. "I need it."

I realized how unfair I was being holing myself up in the attic, allowing myself to deteriorate right before my husband's eyes while refusing any offers of help or distraction. He sat up straighter, feeling my guilt and concession to go with him. "Thank you," he whispered from behind me. I moved toward the attic exit on my hands and knees.

"I knew there was a reason I sat behind you," Jasper snickered as he caught an eyeful of my backside in a short Galliano dress. I gave my rear a little shake just to tease him. I giggled as I felt his fingers wrap around my little ankles and drag me backward toward him. _Uh oh…_

*****

"Don't you feel much better now?" Jasper gloated as he sat on a boulder rubbing at a droplet of elk blood that he spilled on his otherwise pristine shirt. He paused and looked up at me when I didn't answer immediately. I was hanging from a tree branch about forty feet off the ground, feeling the entire length of my body stretch and elongate. _God, this feels good!_I vowed not to return to my dark corner anytime soon. No reason I can't be just as effective somewhere more spacious. _Ooh, somewhere with zebra print throw pillows_!My mind began drifting at once, decorating the fictitious "viewing room" as I was already nicknaming it.

I was vaguely aware that I had yet to answer Jasper's question. "Alice?" he questioned me while I hung, debating which coordinated with zebra print better, hot pink or lime green. "Alice!" he raised his voice at me, snapping me from my decorating fun. I pouted at him, kicking my dangling legs in the air.

"Yes," I sang with a smirk, deciding to be pleasant to him. He was just too cute, and I was going to need his help hanging the sheer green draperies. My eyes glossed over. _Yes, definitely lime, hot pink is just too cliché',_I decided.

"You're doing it again," Jasper warned.

"Hmm…?" I responded, not really paying attention.

"You're looking very distant and pensive, like you had a vision or something. Did you?" The pitch of his voice rose with obvious optimism. I felt bad admitting that I was just redecorating the spare room in the back of the third floor.

"Uhh…" I hedged, trying to buy myself some time to come up with a more appropriate answer. I released my hands from the branch and dropped to the forest floor. The moment my feet impacted the soil, everything went black.

It was fast… too fast. I couldn't register everything properly. Like someone flipping through a picture book too quickly, I caught brief glimpses of what was to come. Edward and the blond guard in a café, once, twice… this was going to be a regular occurrence for them. Forests and jungles, light and dark. As the images began receding, I caught one last peek at a pair of legs stretched out facing me and crossed at the ankle on a black leather ottoman. Everything around the figure was dark; the only thing that stood out was the vibrant red on the soles of the heels. _Bella. _

I came to, still in a crouch with my fingernails digging in the damp soil. Jasper was at my side with his arm draped supportively across my shoulders. I looked at him with narrowed eyes, relieved yet not entirely satiated. I wanted more. But at least this was something.

"Yes," I quipped at him. "As a matter of fact I _do_ feel much better, thank you for asking." I reached into my pocket and grabbed my cell phone, smiling manically. Jasper sighed, this time sounding relieved.

EPOV

I stood locked in a juvenile staring match with the Volturi's guard Demetri, his red eyes burning painfully into mine. In the pocket of my jeans I could hear the microscopic mechanisms inside my cell phone hum as it received a signal. I was getting a call or a message of some sort. It hardly seemed the time to check.

_Oh… I will find her,_Demetri promised, a layer of threat thickly coating his silent words.

I had little doubt he meant it. What I was unsure of was whether he meant _with_ me or _against_me. Demetri's features softened almost imperceptibly, but he still looked frightening, like a long standing member of Aro's army. Yet, as I studied his features intently, I began to grasp the tenor of his thoughts. There was no malice; the threat about Aro hunting Bella was more a statement of fact. He was simply telling me exactly how the scenario was going to play out. Uninhibited honesty… I guess I should respect that. So often my family handled me with kid gloves, knowing my brooding and dramatic tendencies and wanting to avoid upsetting me at almost any cost. I long suspected their behaviour stemmed from pity… which annoyed me even further. As such, I had to appreciate the abrupt candour with which Demetri communicated.

The barely audible hum came from the device in my pocket again. I broke my gaze with the tracker and glanced down. I sighed and closed my eyes, focusing. Carlisle and Aro had moved beyond discussing our dilemma and were chatting casually, though silently both were wary of the other. Aro had already vowed to "help" us, though what he truly meant by that was yet to be discovered.

"Perhaps we better get moving again then?" Carlisle directed at me. He raised his brows in question, wondering if I was done scouring the minds of the room. I had had my fill a while ago. I was even more anxious to get out of the castle walls and back on the move than when I arrived. Now more than ever I felt it was a race to see who could find Bella first. I nodded at my father.

"Aro, it's been lovely catching up with you. I promise not to be such a stranger to Volterra in the future." Carlisle nodded at the seated brothers behind Aro as he spoke.

"You are always welcome, brother," Aro granted. His thoughts were incredibly difficult to interpret. He was genuine yet contemptuous. He turned to me. "And good luck with your girlfriend, young one. I _truly_ hope it all works out for the best. How I do enjoy happy endings." The way he sneered the word "best" made me curious as to what _he_ thought the best outcome would be. I swallowed thickly and muttered a lame acknowledgment, beyond ready to get the hell out of there.

After a few more parting words, Aro had two guardsmen accompany us through the throne-room doors and into the anterior room once again, one of the guards being Demetri. As he spun on his heel to retreat back into the stuffy room we just vacated, he silently directed one sentence my way. _Osteria at twilight,_he said without acknowledgment.

Carlisle and I took off in a blur down the staircase the way we came, slowed through the tourism lobby, and then sped away from the elevator and out into the fresh Italian air as quickly as we could manage. He was obviously as anxious to leave as I was.

We walked in silence toward the centre of town, Carlisle silently reminding himself to grant me time to absorb what we had learned and to patiently await my interpretation. I remembered my phone in my pocket and pulled it out. One quick glance told me I had two missed calls from Alice. _Seriously, that girl just can't sit back and not meddle. _I wasn't deliberately holding her accountable for the catastrophic outcome of my one and only night with immortal Bella. Though on some level I suppose I _was_ upset with her for luring me into a false sense of security in bringing Bella home that night. But the truth was that there were many at fault, and Alice was the least on the list. As I held the Blackberry in my hand, it hummed again, this time a text message. I rolled my eyes as I opened it.

_I'm sorry, you have no idea how much. Please do not ignore me. Meet the blond man, I will be highly put out if you don't. TY. ~Al_

She saw something. Obviously, her vision was nonspecific enough that she did not know anything beyond Demetri wanting to meet with me, but that was a start. Somewhere, low and hidden, a miniature spark of hope centered itself inside of me. Maybe I _could_ find her. Maybe Demetri was the key. I turned to Carlisle.

"Demetri wants to meet with me," I said in a monotone voice, not giving anything away just yet. I wanted an honest and uninfluenced reaction from him to add to my growing pro/con list.

"What?" Carlisle gaped. "Really? He said so?" His eyes were wide, and his thoughts shocked but not concerned.

"Yeah, he mentioned 'Osteria at twilight'. Do you know what that means?" We stopped walking and turned to face one another.

"I do." He nodded noncommittally, but his eyes were alight with knowledge. I waited…. Patiently. Sort of. "La Pace Inn. It has been around a hundred years longer than even I have. It is a landmark of sorts around here. It is a classic Volterran Inn just inside the medieval walls over that way," he explained while nodding in front of him, taking off in the direction he indicated.

"Okay," I replied lamely, drawing the word out and running to catch up.

"Demetri has long been using the Inn as a meeting place when he needs to inquire about a subject he is tracking. It is an unnecessary risk to bring extraneous people inside the castle walls. He always meets at twilight, just after the sun sets when it is not entirely dark outside. It is the safest time of day for our kind, as you well know, and he is not always meeting strictly with vampires," Carlisle continued on in a hushed tone as we walked toward the Inn. "It is a beautiful piece of ancient architecture, and the proprietors know Demetri well. They never ask any questions - the red robe essentially guarantees that."

"Right." I was having difficulty forming multi-word sentences by that point. My mind was whirling with information. Was Demetri going to help me on the sly? Why the hell would he go against Aro? Was Aro really going to hunt Bella maliciously or would he turn out to be an ally? I had an infinite amount of questions and no answers. The only thing that was obvious was that I was going to have to meet with Demetri in search of some answers.

We stopped in front of the Inn, and I had to admit that it was stunning. The entire front edifice was an open-air design exposing the high Etruscan archways and medieval brick ceilings that looped their way throughout the cafe. The tables were sparse, and the lighting was low. It seemed entirely appropriate for a vampire meeting.

*****

I approached the Inn around 6:00, uncertain exactly at what time Demetri wanted to meet. I was unsure of basically everything as I fiddled nervously with the cuffs of my long-sleeves and entered the building. As Carlisle instructed, I mentioned to the maitre d' that I was scheduled to meet with Demetri. He arched his brows at me before recomposing himself quickly, requesting that I follow him.

I was ushered into the farthest corner of the room by the now tense maitre d'. He removed the vase, featured bottles of wine and all utensils from the table and retreated promptly, leaving me alone with my thoughts and a bare table. _He's obviously done this before,_I scoffed_. _I sat with my back to the front of the room, inherently understanding that Demetri would want the seat opposite me.

A few feet in front of me was a dark hallway that led to the kitchen, restrooms and a heavy wooden door that was cracked open as a cook stood in the back alleyway smoking. I briefly wondered if Demetri would come through that entrance or the public one I had used.

Time seemed to float past me at a whimsical pace as I drummed my anxious fingers against the table. I hated being immobile with so many variables taunting me and a misplaced Bella. I sighed and flattened my palms against the stark white tablecloth, temporarily stilling my fidgeting. I conjured up a memory of immortal Bella to remind myself of why I was there.

She was reclined casually in the leather club chair in my office, drumming her fingertips against the arms and glaring daggers at me. She was stoic and detached… or at least that was the image she was trying to project on me. Somewhere on the planet was that same frightened creature, pretending to be courageous when all she really wanted to do was drop to the floor and shed real tears. To taste the salty liquid as it streamed from her eyes, over her cheekbone and across her upper lip. To give in to the pain without judgment or consequence. To be human, to be vulnerable and most of all… to be comforted.

The same way the Bella in my office chair crumbled before me after I exposed my emotions at her feet, so too would running scared Bella if given the opportunity. I wanted to be the one to comfort her. While it was true that her tears would never fall, that didn't mean she couldn't still weep in my arms. Wherever Bella was, she was aching, and I longed to hold her. She was entitled to as much anger as she could muster, and I would graciously bear it knowing how thoroughly I deserved it. But at the end of the day, the angry, frightened little creature would belong to me again. And I would thereafter vow to guard her every breath for all of eternity.

I was so lost in my silent pledge to Bella that I failed to acknowledge Demetri's thoughts until they were practically on top of me. He was approaching from behind, dressed in all black, his pale skin appearing nearly translucent against his velvet waistcoat, and I wondered how the humans this city ever thought he was of the same species. He came to a halt at the back of my chair, closing his eyes and resting his palms on the top corners of my chair back. He inhaled sharply through his nose, holding the breath for a moment before exhaling through his mouth. His mind was blank. I stayed motionless, observing him through the eyes of the few patrons in the café. Several seconds later he circled around to the vacant chair and took his place at the table. My eyes were trained on the tablecloth until after he sat. When I finally looked up, he was staring at me with intense eyes.

_I'm not entirely certain I know what to make of you, young Edward,_he addressed me silently.

"That makes two of us then." I arched my brow at him pointedly. I was painfully aware that if I played my cards wrong this could end very badly for my family and me – and Bella.

_Touché. _He blinked twice, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards like he was fighting a smirk. I catalogued everything and gave nothing away myself.

We sat for a long while across from one another in utter silence. It wasn't exactly an uncomfortable silence. Both of us seemed to appreciate the other's desire for observance and caution - neither wanting to be the first man to take the seditious and incriminating step forward. So the silence wore on. Even his thoughts gave away nothing, focused on simply surveying me. I decide I was going to be the one to wave the white flag.

"You can trust me." The words came out hoarse and unintentionally muted. "I just need to find Bella. I don't really give a shit about any of your politics," I added with more fervour. I swallowed thickly and waited for his response, aloud or otherwise, carefully maintaining my neutral expression.

His eyes twinkled a bit in reaction to my crass honesty; however, his thoughts were carefully guarded. I could sense how much effort he was using to control them. Then he smirked at me. _It's a good thing you can read minds, kid. Otherwise you might have an awful tendency to over analyze things,_he snickered. Clearly he already had my personality pegged.

Despite my annoyance, I couldn't help but smile at the guy. He was right. And there was something about his thoughts and expressions that I found inviting. He was a product of his environment now - hardened after centuries of service in the Guard. Yet occasionally his human traits flickered beneath his tediously articulated façade. It gave me hope.

_So kid, you have a story. We all have a story. I don't want Aro's indulgent rendition. I'd prefer the simple truth, and I would like to hear it from you. Lay it all before me so I know whether or not I can be of any service to you. _

So he _was_ offering to help. My dead heart nearly leapt through my chest. As composed as I struggled to appear in the wake of my euphoria, he nevertheless noticed the fire that lit beneath my surface. He nodded at me almost imperceptibly and waved his right hand dramatically before him, urging me to begin.

"You said we all have a story," I hedged. "I completely agree. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

_Ha,_Demetri scoffed silently, allowing his expression to slip for a split second and show his amusement before he consciously recomposed himself. _I'm not in any need of your help, kid. Never forget that. _He winked at me. There was a promise in his eyes that I did not entirely recognize yet.

I blew out the useless breath I was holding onto. I was hoping to learn more about the guard member so that I could gain a better appreciation of him, of his gift and of his motives for helping me. But I wasn't willing to discard his offer for help over it. Just as I was about to open my mouth in minor defeat and begin retelling my life story for what felt excruciatingly like the hundredth time that night, his thoughts cut me off.

_I'll think about it. Either way… you go first. When you're ready,_he added, sensing my apprehension. He relaxed his posture and sunk back into the chair, his eyes trained on mine, and waited. Being immortal seemed to grant everyone but _me_ a seemingly infinite reserve of patience. That said, I didn't wish to test Demetri's.

"My story," I began quickly, looking at the floor to the side of the table, tracing the tile patterns in my mind as a distraction. This was going to painful…

* * *

**A/N: Ooooh poor Eddie, right? Still wondering if we can trust Demetri yet? Yeh... me and Ed too. You review - Ed and I will be out looking for Bella. And come play with me on Twitter if you dare. No holds barred though so be warned. I live in Vancouver, BC, am too Robsessed for me own health and have a very dirty mouth.... sounds kinda intriguing, non? **

**erinbatt**

**xox  
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	13. set

**A/N: Thank you guys so much for all your love... this is the only way I know how to repay you. Enjoy! Air xox**

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EPOV

I scoffed inwardly at my foolish haste yet again. Only hours ago, while crammed into a stuffy plane from Florence to Brazil, I came to the conclusion that travel could not get any worse. The aircraft was muggy, and it only took approximately forty minutes of inhaling the putrid cocktail of sweat, tears and blood for me to cut off my oxygen entirely in self-defence.

Unfortunately, I was wrong… it could get worse. Much, much worse. After the plane, I had to take a ferryboat to get to the island of Marajo that was set in the middle of the Amazon River. That was where I would find the woman I was looking for.

The ferry was utter torture. The ancient red and white beast moved at about five miles per hour. And as it pulled lackadaisically through the water, it left a long trail of my patience in its wake. I was already skeptical of the relevance of the trip despite Demetri's obstinance, so any delay in getting it over with was excruciating.

After landing in Belém, I quickly made my way on foot to the ferry crossing. I eyed the murky waters longingly. The short distance from the mainland to the shores of the island would have been an easy swim for me - _much _faster. If it wasn't for the bustling port with hundreds of humans, I would have done it without hesitation.

I had left Italy immediately, sending Carlisle back to the rest of our family and the hospital to excuse my immediate absence to the board of directors. They were already under the impression that I was his wife's brother, thus he was going to claim a family crisis that demanded my attention for an undetermined amount of time. It was closer to the truth than I was comfortable with.

Saying good-bye to my father yet again left me feeling more vacant than I already was. Sometimes it was as if I continuously disappointed everyone close to me… perhaps it was all I was truly capable of?

The desperate sluggishness with which the stupid ferry was travelling did nothing for my already foul mood. A growl brewed low in my belly as I sat on a stoop near the exit to a stairwell, inhaling the fresh air. Exasperated and washing my palms over my face roughly, I ground the heels of my hands into my eyes, rubbing them. It felt good - soothing and minutely distracting. I sighed deeply and recalled my conversation with Demetri…

_"You have to appreciate my position, kid. I'm not certain yet that it is wise for me to help you without the consent of the brothers. And I have several items to investigate of my own on this subject. Given what I know about your girlfriend, I doubt I will be able to track her with my traditional methods." He sighed internally, his gaze distant. "I want to help you, but I need some time to deliberate." _

_After a few moments of silence he met my eyes with a bit more determination. "Regardless, this should be your very first step," he continued. "There is a woman, her name is Lethia and she lives on the island of Marajo in Brazil. Her services are much sought after, and it is often the first place I begin a tracking when I have little to work with. The abilities she has in her arsenal are unparalleled. Show her respect, you have no idea what she is capable of. Many of the people whom Aro and the brothers seek try and utilize her services before I can find them and bring them to a swift justice. She helps me as I often help her." Demetri's face fell slightly, and he looked upset over a memory that played at the edges of his thoughts yet never fully entered. I nodded, needing him to know I was taking careful note of what he was telling me and that I wished him to continue. _

_"Are you familiar with Greek mythology, kid?" I gestured to indicate that I knew a little. He proceeded to explain. "Well, her given name was not Lethia; it is a nickname of sorts that has been attached to her over the years by our kind in reference to her abilities. The name means forgetfulness and concealment. It stems from the Greek river Lethe, one of the several rivers in the pits of Hades. It was said that those who drank from the dark waters experienced forgetfulness thereafter. This is what Lethia can do for you... make you forget selective memories. Concealment." He sat up straighter in his chair, eyeing me intently, his thoughts carefully composed while he remained quiet. I eyed him cautiously until it hit me. Bella was in agony, betrayed by everyone she knew and believed to have loved her. She believed her existence held nothing of significance for her any longer. She was running from it, hoping it would all just... Go away. If she had ever heard of this Lethia woman, then perhaps…_

Demetri had no sooner finished the words than my mind reeled with the possibilities. Admittedly, it seemed far-fetched that Bella had heard of this woman when neither Carlisle nor I had, but the implications terrified me. My worry grew exponentially the closer I got to my destination.

Mercifully, the ferry came to a stop at the tiny port, and I eagerly exited, bounding down the rickety plank and taking off into the tree line. It was pouring rain, and the sky overhead was black despite the early morning hour. I was told the weather that time of year would be as such and that half the island would be submersed in water because of it. I ducked into the thick grove of mango trees and took off west in search of Lethia, following the stilted roadways to where Demetri said I would find her - at the convergence of three small channels that dissected the island.

I closed my eyes, standing atop the jagged rocks looking over the edge of a steep waterfall, listening carefully to my surroundings. The crash of the water and hum of the mist spraying up from below were the predominant sounds among the nature. My own breathing was loud and distracting in my ears, but I refused to cut it off, not when I was out in the jungle looking for some vampire witch doctor. The wind whipped through the trees, and I could hear animals moving and breathing deep in the jungle.

After a long time of waiting, something I was decidedly _not_ good at, I was ready to give up that approach and tear off into the thick Amazon vegetation in search of Lethia - forget allowing her to come to me on her own terms. That was when I felt the vibrations deep in my ear canal of the wind patterns altering slightly as something sped through the jungle behind me. I spun on my heel and combed the area for any sign of her. I kept hearing the whistle of movement on different sides of me; it was very unsettling. _Is there more than one vampire?_ I feared, suddenly more than a little apprehensive about what sort of trap Demetri may have sent me into. I cursed myself yet again. He could have very well sent me there to dispose of me, leaving Aro free to snare Bella. _Shit._ Will my haste ever cease to threaten me?

The approach was overhead now, perhaps leaping through the trees. I still couldn't see anything as I scoured every bit of scenery around me. I wasn't even able to pick up on any approaching thoughts, which was odd. So I waited - there was not much else I could do. As uneasy as it made me, I closed my eyes and narrowed in on the sounds of movement as they neared. I traced the lines in my mind, deciding it was a single person, and that she was just incredibly quick and clearly skilled at travelling through the trees in the area.

A faint giggle rained down from the treetops, followed by a whispered, "Are you looking for me?" The entire scene had me on edge. She was directly above me, I had her thoughts now… but they were not coherent and rambled quickly through so many languages that I struggled to keep up or even identify them all. I kept my eyes closed, finding some comfort in my ability to hear her approach better that way. I heard her leap from a treetop still hundreds of yards in front of me, then nothing but silence followed.

I opened my eyes, expecting to see her near me travelling on foot, but there was nothing. Even her thoughts had disappeared again. _Dammit! _I circled around frantically searching for any sign of her. I could feel myself growing more tense as each minute passed and she had yet to reveal herself. I was looking out over the waterfall at the river below for a sign of her down there. Not seeing any abnormal breaks in the water or disturbance on the banks, I turned back toward the jungle.

She was directly in front of me.

I yelled out a startled obscenity at the abrupt appearance of her. I blinked rapidly, my head a thick fog from her jumbled thoughts invading my mind. She smiled, small and condescending, but otherwise made no effort at greeting me. She was almost like an incredibly haunting apparition. I innately took a giant step backward to get away from her. I caught the word "careful" as it drifted idly through her mind in about twelve different languages. I stopped and looked behind me. I was backing over the edge of the waterfall. Not that the fall would harm me, but I wasn't exactly in the mood for a swim. I planted my feet, staring at them.

Slowly, I lifted my eyes to meet _hers_. They were red – naturally - but different than anything I had ever seen before. They were a hundred different shades of red, and her pupils nearly came to the edge of her irises. There was a trace of amusement beneath them as she watched me absorb her. Her skin was a smooth caramel colour with a faint vampire pallor coating it. Her features were precise and narrow and her lips full. She had jet black hair that hung in thick, matted waves lapping at her hipbones where they jutted out from the exposed skin of her midsection. She was very small, smaller even than Alice, but clearly not weak. She had on a tan suede vest buttoned across her chest that blended so seamlessly with her creamy skin colour that at first glance it made her appear naked from the waist up. Her long blue skirt was tattered and wet with rain so that it hung very low on her miniature frame. It billowed at her ankles in the light breeze that pushed up from the waterfalls and swirled in the air around us. She was barefoot and had gold bands on some of her toes. I couldn't shake the alarm that stemmed from how ghost-like she appeared.

I knew I was standing there with my mouth agape like an imbecile, but words were not coming to me yet. I could not get past how magnificent of a creature she was. It was not that I was attracted to her, it was more that I was… _awed _by her. The depths of her eyes exuded a supreme wisdom, and I wondered how many millennia she had seen. What made it all so surreal was how young she was. She had to have been younger than even me when she was transformed. She was a hectic dichotomy of images and still, I had nothing coherent to say to her. My mouth opened and closed several times, finally deciding on merely confirming her name.

I cleared my throat and straightened my posture, trying to get a grip on myself before speaking. "Lethia?" I asked, sounding more unsure than I felt. Obviously, it was her.

"That would depend, wouldn't it?" She replied in thickly accented English, as if it were obvious that she would not answer to just anybody. Her voice was smooth and befitting of her presence - tiny and eerie.

"Uh, Demetri sent me," I explained quickly, still working to fine tune my motor skills. The little creature had me incredibly uneasy. It was something about her eyes and the way her thoughts shot in multilingual rockets through her mind - too fast to decipher.

Her peculiar eyes softened slightly at the mention of Demetri before she narrowed them on me. Suddenly serious, she took several steps forward. She stopped just before me and reached her small hand out. I withdrew from her movement, unsure I wanted the apparition touching me. But she was undeterred and just took another small step, then stroked my cheek affectionately.

"Yes, I see. You have _much_ to forget," she whispered, her voice thick with a sadness she shouldn't have known.

I struggled against the murk that she created in my mind and sputtered out a response. "That's not why I'm here."

She withdrew her hand abruptly but kept her eyes on mine. "Sure it is," she said confidently. "Don't be afraid, I will help you. There is no need to carry it with you anymore." Her voice was soft and sure, like a siren song beseeching me to listen to her.

"No," I insisted… but it sounded like a question. "No no!" I added, suddenly panicked, not knowing how easily she could steal my every memory of Bella, leaving me none the wiser.

"It does not have to be _just _the pain… I can help you forget _other _things as well," she whispered in a low voice drenched with understanding. My stomach muscles clenched as I cringed internally at the memory she was referring to - Tanya.

"Yes… that." Her words were quiet as they floated on the breeze toward me. "Just say the word and all the shame and regret will be gone forever." She stepped toward me again, eyes glued to mine. If my face could have flamed with the marks of my shame it would have, as I fought to keep the memories shoved back in the dark confines of my mind where they belonged – shackled to a corner. Still, flickers of _that_ night surfaced. My desolation, my family's worry, Tanya's silent vows. My surrender, my need, my pain, my love, my mistake. _My mistake…_

I panicked, knowing that I had to hold onto even my most shameful memories so that _when_ I found Bella I would be able to fully explain everything to her. She deserved that much, and I was going to make her understand the error, as painful as it was going to be for us both. And as much as I wished that memory _could_ just die a fiery death and that purging the memory would erase the shame and the poison left behind on my skin from our contact - it wouldn't. Tanya would always remember, my family would remember, and there was a fat chance Bella was ever going to forget the moment Tanya burst through my door and shattered her heart and her dreams - _our dreams_ - in one jealous move. No, those memories were mine whether I wanted them or not, and this peculiar little creature could not have them!

I saw through her eyes how my face had gone from panic, to anger, to an expression of determination chiselled into my stone features as I decided there was no way I would ever part with any of my pain - it defined me. Without it, I would have no idea what I was repentant for.

"Relax," she demanded in a suddenly angry voice. "It's not as if I am going to reach into your mind and snatch up your memories without permission. Not yet anyway…" She whispered the last bit under her breath, and I wasn't sure if I heard it properly.

"If you want to cling to them like a useless life preserver, that is your own prerogative," she retorted. Her words hit me like a slap across the face. "Still, I assume Demetri sent you for a reason - what is it?"

I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, organising my thoughts and ignoring how uncomfortable I was. "Demetri is helping me look for someone who I've lost recently. He sent me here to see if maybe you've encountered her."

"If she has already been to see me then you are too late, no?" Silence between us. "Besides, in my experience, if she is lost…" Lethia leaned in and up on her toes so that she could whisper in my ear. "Then she does not want to found." She rocked back onto her bare little heels with a haughty expression that instantly infuriated me.

"She doesn't _know_ what she wants," I spat defensively.

"Well, now, isn't that chivalrous?" she scoffed. I contemplated harming her.

"She is operating on false information," I explained.

"So you are hunting her?"

"Tracking her." The girl was on my last nerve. Splinters of anger and doubt coursed through me. I was already uneasy with the girl, unsure of the morality of tracking Bella, yet desperate for a chance at an explanation. Somehow the small figure in front of me was prodding at every sore spot I had, or so I thought.

"There is no distinction," she replied bluntly.

"I think there is," I muttered through clenched teeth.

"Sometimes we need to accept that we cannot always have that which we desire. No matter how desperately we seek it." Lethia shook her head at me as she spoke, convinced she knew better. She had no idea what she was talking about.

I hadn't noticed, but during our disagreement we had closed the gap between us. She was now close enough to touch me again, and she brought her palms to the sides of my head, cradling me tenderly in her hands. She closed her eyes. "So much suffering," she murmured. "I can make it all go away."

I squirmed uncomfortably under her touch. "Please. I don't want you to," I begged, freeing myself from her hands. She made no motion to retreat.

"Really?" she questioned, her eyes narrow slits with a strange red backdrop. "The deep brown pools of thick chocolate, so luxuriant you can almost taste it on the tip of your tongue when you drink them in. Her eyes... they haunt you. You see them every time you blink. Every breath you take in you are convinced you detect the faint aroma of freesias churning in the air around you. So warm and real that for a split second you forget it is only a figment of your imagination – of your desires. She is not really there. There is no warm little body curled comfortably against yours. There is no rise and fall of a slumbering chest, and no more pleasant dreams. Not one. No yellow curtains that you can watch flutter in the summer breeze while you trace the intricate lace pattern for the thousandth time in the middle of the night. No lips to be held beautiful prisoner between delicate teeth and no gentle laughter to float through the air and wrap you in a blanket of warm contentment. The trail of fire once left against your skin when she stroked it will never again blaze. There is no more fire."

"Stop," I whimpered. "Please." Her eyes opened. Mine closed. My eyelids were heavy, and I couldn't support them any longer. I bowed my head, feeling a heavy fatigue that I had not felt in almost two hundred years. Somewhere in the far recesses of my mind I was nervous, begging myself to open my eyes – but I couldn't. I couldn't _see _the memories that she mentioned, but I felt them. I knew they were there, and it was far, far worse than watching them.

A faint giggle echoed around me, familiar and wonderful. A gentle snort that I knew was accompanied by a teasing eye roll. My name danced through the air in her voice, so delicate and sweet, creating a pull at my insides as they pricked and curled with the familiar heartache. Little fingertips traced the blue map of veins along my forearm hesitantly. _Is this okay? _The soft words lingered on the wind as it wove through the tall grass and over our bodies. The side of my cheek warmed as it lay against her beating chest. _Thump thump… Thump thump… _The marvellous symphony of her life drumming deep in my ear vibrated throughout every inch of my body. I felt her in the tips of my toes where they tingled. Something soft and tender swept across my lips. They parted welcomingly. Again the smooth brush of satin against my mouth as she wrapped her lips around mine. I felt her fingers scratching and tugging delicately at my neck, drawing me closer. Always closer. I peeked my tongue out to trace the curve of her upper lip before pulling it into my mouth and sucking on it lightly. Want and need and fire and ice all raged through my body at once, battling for dominance. All stemming from my love. Every touch, every kiss, every heartbeat and laugh was love. Everything. It was everything… and nothing. Because it was gone.

And with that everything beautiful that I had been bathed in was sucked away from me as rapidly as it came. I both celebrated and mourned the loss immediately. My eyes were shut and I was still lost in the swarm of sensory deprivation. I had no knowledge of up or down, just of pain and loss. Every minute I had ever spent agonizing over my missing love was dragged to the surface. Everything sat weighing on me like a heavy blanket, driving me down with the crushing reality of my deficiencies. My entire existence's misfortunes were shoved at me until I felt I was giving in, agreeing to fall away from them – anything to make the pain stop. Anything to give me a chance to go back to the other place, the cheerful place, the place where love lived.

I came to, opening my heavy, downcast eyes timidly. I was reluctant to make any sudden movement for fear the weights of torment would find me again. The first thing my eyes focused on was a tiny caramel hand fisted into the dark fabric of my tee-shirt. A few moments of blinking and awareness hit me. I snapped my head up and met Lethia's devious gaze. She smirked and gestured behind me. I didn't have to look - I could see in her thoughts that she was holding me suspended as I leaned backward over the falls. I was unsure how I would have fared had I fallen while obscured by my memories. I was also unsure if she had saved me from the precipice or led me to it.

"How about now," she whispered, her eyes never leaving mine while a slow and satisfied smile spread across her face.

"No." The small word shook as I forced it through my lips, the agony still fresh. She tugged at my shirt and pulled me off the rocks, spinning to face me in a blur of movements.

"I just need to know if she was here or not. That's all." My words were coming out in wounded whimpers, and I couldn't bring myself to look at her in the eye. I felt as if she had seen my very essence, stripped bare and raw before her as she toyed with it and used it against me.

"I have not been sought out by a female in well over a year," she answered in a detached voice. "If one comes to me, I will contact Demetri before proceeding."

"Thank you."

She shook her head slowly and took a step forward. I was still avoiding her eyes. She reached up and took my chin between her little fingers and turned my face so that I looked at her. "Come back when you _are_ ready." And with that she turned and ran into the dense jungle, and far away from me.

*****

I approached the Inn well after dark, intentionally late. I could hear Demetri's thoughts as I walked through the open doors, the warm evening air dancing around me. The restaurant was romantically lit, and smooth musical cords floated whimsically in the air – it all contrasted sharply with my wrath. I walked past the maitre'd, the same man from several nights previous, without acknowledging him – he would remember me. I rounded the corner to our table and saw Demetri with his eyes focused on his hands where they sat clasped in his lap. He would have sensed my presence well before I entered the restaurant, thus I knew his demeanour was entirely calculated.

I fought with everything I had to suppress the roar that was threatening to unleash itself through my chest. I ground my teeth together, squeezing tightly, feeling my jaw flex and clench, hoping that would stifle the beast. I've never handled anger well. I didn't as a human kid, and becoming a vampire only exacerbated my lack of control. I now had much better tools to fight with.

I stopped behind the chair that was meant for me to sit in and fumed at him. His thoughts were controlled and focused solely on greeting me - infuriatingly serene – but forced, he knew he failed. He kept his eyes on his hands, and I caught a trace of his own anger as it flickered briefly behind some of his otherwise generic thoughts. I snapped.

"You arrogant asshole," I hissed, staring at the top of his bent head, willing him to be a man and look me in the eye. My nostrils flared, and I focused on keeping my back molars welded together, ensuring a small shred of control. With my jaw locked I could not raise my voice, growl, roar, snap or bite… all of the things my body twitched with desire to do. I placed my hands on the top of the chair back, the same movement Demetri had done just days before – with a very different intention. He had been absorbing my tenor, getting to _know _me; I was fighting to give my hands something to do that didn't involve wrapping my fingers around his throat.

_Whatever do you mean, kid? _He asked me, still opting to converse silently. The only outward indication that he was acknowledging my presence was the arch in his brow as he spoke. _I thought it would be a brilliant place to begin. Was it not? _His tone was smug. He lifted his eyes from his hands and they met mine - vibrant, red and threatening. His thoughts were caustic as he stared at me. I noticed his own jaw flexing - clearly I was not the only vampire with temper issues. _This should be fun, _the darker side of my thoughts encouraged me.

_Tsk tsk, Edward. Don't lose your composure… after all, what would Bella think? _He had the audacity to wink at me.

That did it. To hear the way he sneered her name as if it could be used as a weapon against me was blasphemy. His taunting thoughts sent me over the edge, and I forgot all time and place. I no longer cared where we were or what we were supposed to be. For him to even utter her name after his shameful stunt to coerce me into forgetting her was sacrilege. I was going to make sure he knew it.

The chair my palms were resting on swung up from the floor before I realised I was the one controlling it. It flew down the hallway behind the table that led to the back alley. Before it had a chance to crash as it impacted the wall and splintered into sawdust, Demetri had launched himself across the table in a black blur. The table tipped with his weight and clamoured to the floor, coming to rest precariously against a wine rack. His hands reached for me but I was faster, dodging his every attempt, a string of obscenities running through his mind in both Russian and Italian. Finally, my elbow met his clavicle, and I shoved him roughly toward the floor. His legs kicked out in front of him, nudging the table further against the wine rack. Though I momentarily had Demetri pinned, he had no intention of relenting that easily. He reached up and fisted as much of the back of my leather jacket in his paws as he could, yanking down. He stood as I fell backward into him, and he tore off down the hallway in a blur, the wine rack finally losing its battle with gravity and crashing with all of its contents onto the tile floor behind us.

My feet dragged, and I couldn't get a proper footing for the sixteenth of a second that it took for Demetri to reach the alley door, kick it off its hinges and send it and me flying across the black alley and into the stone wall on the other side. The door exploded next to me as my back collided with the wall, my feet above my head. Acting fast, I tucked my knees to my chest, spun in the air, and using the wall behind me as a catapult, I launched into Demetri with all my force. I twisted his arm behind his back and kicked him backward with one boot. Within seconds I had him pinned against the back wall of the Inn, my knee digging into his hip and my long fingers elated to finally be wrapped tightly around his arrogant throat. _I'm an excellent fighter, _I patted myself on the back, smiling humourlessly. Demetri brought his knee up and landed his heel in my gut as he kicked me off him. I refused to relinquish my grip on him, thus we both went flying against the stone wall, tangled against one another, then fell to the ground.

We proceeded to roll and toss and gnash at one another until all of our clothing was shredded and we each had several bite marks stinging the surfaces of our skin.

Anger coursed hot and thick through both of us as we unleashed on each other. He had no intention of destroying me, and as long as he kept his thoughts from slandering Bella, I more or less felt the same. Of course, Demetri was incapable of suppressing his arrogance. _If you rip me apart Edward…_

"Shut up!" I roared at him, knowing full well what kind of empty shit he was about to say. I had my fingers wrapped around his forearm, and I swung him through the air and down the dark alley. I ran after him to ensure I was right there when his narcissistic ass hit the ground. I jumped on him and gripped his shoulders, perched on his chest and lifted him just enough to be able to slam him back down as I snarled in his face. A sinister chuckle escaped his lips. I growled in response.

_Fine. _Demetri's silent words danced with a buoyant humour I did not yet understand. _Rip me apart Edward. Shred me into a million pieces and then light a brilliant bonfire back here in the ally. No one would be any wiser; no one knows we are here together._

He was pissing me off. "The idea is beginning to grow on me," I snarled through clenched teeth. I gripped his head between my palms, and he knew I had him. One easy move and I could rip his head from his body. I also knew he was no longer fighting me. His thoughts were growing more manic as he looked up at me, eyes alight with an errant emotion. Fear? Excitement? Pity?

_Of course if you do… _he taunted me yet again.

"Listen to me... I do not want nor do I need _your_ help," I spat. "Especially if your idea of help is sending me into the fucking jungle to get my brain washed by a deranged infant witch-doctor. Thanks, but I think I can fare better on my own."

_I see… _Demetri's thoughts tapered off as he reached up and encircled my wrists with his fingers tightly. With a strength that had been lacking only a moment ago, he pulled my hands from his head and ground them into the blacktop below. His spoken voice startled me when it seeped through his lips, smooth and condescending.

"So then… I take it _you_ know where to find the man I spoke to yesterday. The one who has spent the last week with your girlfriend?"

With that… everything went quiet.

* * *

**Chapter End Notes:**

**Oh. My. **

**What has our little Bella been up to? Is she being a good girl wherever she is?**

**Does everyone else LOVE Demetri as much as I do? YUM! Right? I had many requests for some ExD slash (pervs, lol) that was the best I could do... :)**

**As always, reviews help me look harder for Bella. I'll make you a deal... if you hit the purdy lil review button, I'll build a bigger search party. Deal?**

**Love you all!**

**Air**

**xox**


	14. No

BPOV

I had officially left everything behind me by the time my feet crossed the threshold of the Sea-Tac International Airport. There was no longer even a trace of unfinished business in my wake.

_Well, almost…_ My mind tested the waters, trying to pull me down the forbidden avenue of thought. I quickly stifled any and all thoughts of _him_. It was strictly forbidden under the new set of stringent rules I was implementing. He was dead to me – they were _all_dead to me. Truly dead, rather than being heinously _un_dead. I shuddered involuntarily.

Inside Sea-Tac there was an intricate little golden detail woven into the otherwise industrial green carpet that paved the way throughout the airport. I kept my eyes glued to it as I walked, watching the pattern repeat itself every four feet. In my peripheral vision I saw a row of aisle dividers leading the way to a ticket counter. I turned on my heel to follow them.

As I approached the counter, I lifted my gaze for the first time since entering the building. I dreaded having to hear my own strained vocal chords and the pain that coated them every time I spoke. The last time I had spoken was to Jake – it had been several weeks. Haunting the coasts of the Pacific Northwest since then, I had no reason to speak to the woodland creatures that ran from me. I could not even bring myself to hunt them… pathetic and helpless as they were. They held no appeal to me. Sustaining myself had decreasingly less appeal as well. So I paced the coasts aimlessly like a ghost, touching nothing, yet affecting everything around me. If I had my way I would have disintegrated into the Earth, never to be seen or heard from again. Instead, I somehow found myself at the airport, glowering at a woman in a blue polyester United Airlines uniform and a ridiculous grin.

Unfortunately, I did need to communicate with her somehow. This point was further illustrated when her overly cheerful Southern drawl assaulted my sensitive ears.

"Checking in?" she asked. I nodded. I willed my voice to cooperate, praying it could be the last time.

"Yes," I whispered through clenched teeth. Whispering has a peculiar way of both muting emotion and laying every ache out naked before the world. I cringed, but if I had any hope of getting out of there I had to continue. I cleared my burning throat. "I need a ticket on the first available flight going anywhere, please." I blinked and looked away; the confusion and pity that played on her face as she took in my damaged appearance was too much to bear.

"Okay," she began slowly. "Well, I have a few seats left…" I brusquely waved my hand between us, indicating that I wanted her to stop speaking immediately. She did. She also took a small step backward in response to my abruptness. Not surprising. _I am a monster after all,_I reminded myself. As if I could forget.

"I don't care where it is headed. Just print it out and hand it to me. Please," I added. It was neither an apology nor an explanation. _Please just don't grant me the dangerous luxury of knowing and deciding where I am headed,_I begged silently. I dropped a small pile of hundreds on the counter and glowered at the woman.

"Okay. And do you have any baggage to check?" she asked. An angry hiss slid through my clenched teeth. Moments later, I was making my way through security and toward gate N-16.

As I boarded the plane I heard the stewardess at the podium announce the last call for boarding on flight 916 travelling to D.C. and on to Frankfurt. _Perfect. _

EPOV

I grew increasingly more resentful of the café with its grim lighting and uncomfortable wooden chairs every time I found myself there. Its mere existence seemed to serve as a constant reminder of my complete and utter failure. If the day ever came that I found Bella, I vowed to never set foot near the place ever again. As it was, Bella was still missing, we were still searching, and I was still seated in my chair staring numbly at the glowing golden stucco in front of me, awaiting Demetri's arrival. He was very late. He would no doubt bring with him yet another round of failure and explanation laced with promises to try harder and reconfigure our approach. It wouldn't matter; it was destined to amount to a lot of nothing. It always did.

Two hundred and sixteen days, eleven hours, eight minutes and thirty-two seconds… that was how long it had been since Demetri and I became a united search party after our brawl outside La Pace. That was how long we had been met with nothing but letdown after shattering letdown. It was demoralizing, and because of it I was now thoroughly convinced that I did in fact have a soul. I could feel it slipping away with every second spent separated from Bella. It was taking its toll on both me and Demetri.

While Demetri was professionally frustrated with his unaccustomed shortcomings, I was becoming more and more withdrawn from the failure. Determined that the answer lay somewhere inside myself, I scoured every crevicein search of a clue as to where Bella might hide. Unfortunately, the harder I searched, the more memories I forced to the surface and the thicker the pain was that I had to wade through. Inevitably, it was more devastating every time I came up short.

I was never going to find her. I had the best tracker in the world hunting her, an omniscient sister, and me—a goddamned mind reader. And still… two hundred and sixteen days, eleven hours, nine minutes and forty-one seconds.

_Maybe it's time to throw in the towel,_my mind sneered at me.Honestly, my wayward thoughts repulsed me. I had no way of controlling the twisted things that scampered through my head at times. Never mind the annoying fact that there was an obvious truth behind the idea. Clearly, Bella did not wish to be found, and the harder I searched for her the more guilty I felt. However, the thought of walking away caused my insides to heave. I was determined to prevail in the unfortunate misunderstanding. Thus, each time my mind submitted that particularly vile idea, I would stuff it back into its sinister cage in the far corner of my dark brain where it belonged.

_I can't exist if I give up,_I reminded myself. As if I needed the reminder.Knowing Bella was immortal somehow made her existence call to me more than ever. There was a tangible pull on everything inside of me that was real – that was _her_. Something concrete and visceral. It yanked and heaved until I was so dizzy I didn't know up from down, let alone which direction to search in. The only thing I _did_know was that I had no idea how to be me without her beside me. And so I came and sat in that chair. Dizzy and impatient. Hopeful and desperate. Devastatingly optimistic or stubborn. Either way, I was determined that someday I would once again walk with Bella's small hand enclosed carefully and protectively inside mine. Happy.

Unfortunately, we had precious little in terms of leads. It turned out that the man Demetri found while I was in Brazil was an old acquaintance of my father's named Alistair. Alistair and Demetri had a lengthy and friendly history that dated all the way back to when my father was in the guard. They ran across each other one day recently, and while catching up, Alistair told Demetri of the rogue female he stumbled across by chance just the other night. It was the middle of the night just before I left for Brazil. She was running across the rooftops of a row of dilapidated shacks in Germany. She ran across the building in which Alistair had been holed up into the rafters, her scent and speed immediately piquing his interest. He leapt to his feet and ran after her. Somewhere on the clay rooftops of a decrepit building in the wee morning hours, Alistair met with what he described to Demetri as a "beautiful female who was clearly very damaged and reticent" – precisely the kind of company Alistair would prefer to keep.

She shied away from him at first and refused to speak, but at his pleading finally agreed to tag along with him for a few days. Later, while filling the ever present silence between them, Alistair quite unknowingly brought up his old friend Carlisle. The female quickly excused herself to go hunt and never returned. Admittedly, Alistair was not that put out. He was beginning to grow bored with her apathy and hungered for his customary solitude.

When Alistair noticed the way that Demetri's face flamed with the recognition his story carried, he grew noticeably wary. Being the misanthropic urchin that he was – he fled. Demetri ran after him, only to be hindered by the daylight. In an effort to dodge Demetri, Alistair ran through the middle of an open-air market and onto the other side of the piazza in broad daylight. He often demonstrated very little regard for policy or discretion given that he possessed an odd gift for evasiveness. If he was ever hunted for justice, Alistair would easily be able to shirk it. He could have been a very gifted tracker if he wasn't such a petrified recluse. It was probably one of the reasons he and Demetri were such good friends.

Once Alistair fled, Demetri was unable to nail him down. For the last seven months the pair had been engaged in a twisted waltz of the trackers, always on the outskirts of one another's location, always a half-step away. Always close enough to _taste_ the other, yet never within reach. Demetri had many times appeared at our meetings with caustic thoughts about the annoying imp, thoughts I mirrored given that Alistair was our only link to Bella since she had arrived in Europe and he was being too self-absorbed to help us.

Demetri spread the word with every vampire he could think of to ensure Alistair understood that he had little interest in him personally and it was purely the girl from his story he was after. Unfortunately, both Demetri and Carlisle agreed that Alistair was far too cynical of authority to ever agree to meet with us. And so Demetri and I had written off that particular lead for the time being. As frustrating as that was, it seemed our efforts would be better spent elsewhere. Where, I was not sure. I just didn't understand - how could one little vampire be so _perfectly_ hidden from sight?

_Come out here, kid. We're gonna take a walk tonight. _Demetri's thoughts invaded my mind, thankfully dragging me from my endless circular rant. 

I turned to see Demetri standing in the breezeway in front of the café with his back to the windows. He rocked back and forth on his heels uncomfortably with his hands in his pants pockets - pretending to people watch. It was his signature move when he was anxious. _Great. _Whatever it was he wanted to discuss with me, _outside of the café no less,_ he was not looking forward to it. As usual, his thoughts were shallow and controlled, focusing only on the sights before him rather than whatever was weighing on his mind. I stood obediently and joined him.

The sun had long since set; Demetri left me in that atrocious chair with nothing but my own menacing thoughts for hours. His reasons were vaguely evident as they flitted through his mind while we left the café behind us. He was uneasy… convinced that whatever it was he had to tell me was going to be upsetting. I wracked his mind as we walked in relative silencedown the narrow, cobbled roadways.

If it was possible for my dead body to run any colder it would have, as dread washed over me in icy waves. My sensitive ears detected the accelerated pace of my shallow pants the more I worried. Still we walked. Demetri stared forward with a dead gaze. His fists curled into tight balls at his sides. _Shit._Demetri was many things; egotistical, vulgar, ill-tempered. Hesitant and insecure was a side of him I had yet to experience. My apprehension was palpable.

The suspense finally got the better of me as we rounded a dark corner, leading down an even darker alley. I turned into him and pushed him hard against the brick wall. Demetri clenched his jaw and ground his teeth together before meeting my stare. I expected his eyes to hold hostility or excitement at the prospect of another fight. They were empty. It frightened me much more.

His nostrils flared, and he narrowed his eyes on mine, a steel resolve behind them, but also a touch of humour. I was more confused than ever.

"Look kid, before you go all huffy-irate teenager on me… can I explain one thing?" He smirked at me, his eyes dancing with the humour I had noticed. It made me feel a bit sheepish for always being so melodramatic. My nerves were just so thin these days, after so many months of disappointment, and my patience was even thinner. Demetri continued.

"I was going over everything in my mind the other night in preparation for this meeting. I have thought of your situation from a hundred different angles. I have tried to put myself in your position and in your girlfriend's… and every time I think about it I come up short. But I long to help you, Edward. You and I have much more in common than you know. For that reason, I think that maybe if I tell you my story you will benefit from the lesson embedded in there. Unfortunately, I think you need to hear it, and…" He trailed off and swallowed back the emotion that suddenly flooded to the surface of his eyes.

"I am probably the last man on the planet that should be allowed to offer any fatherly advice, given that I was never a father and I lost mine before I ever had the chance to know him. Not to mention that you have what is no doubt the best father figure the world has ever seen. I understand all of this. Yet still… here I am with you once a month, and I watch the frustration and the disappointment and the pain devour you. You are dissolving right before my eyes – your fight, your resolve, your fire – and it is upsetting me more than I care to try and explain. So tonight we take a different approach. Tonight… I am going to tell you my story. All right?"

I was no longer paying attention, my annoyance getting the better of me. I stopped mid-step, squeezing my eyes shut in annoyance. Why did he always have to be so vague and foreboding? I rubbed my fingertips roughly across the bridge of my nose. Leaving them there, I rested my heavy head against their support. Irritated, I demanded that Demetri cut the crap and tell me what the hell this was all about. This was the last thing I wanted to do tonight. I wanted to find Bella, I wanted _him_to help me find Bella. Not tell me a goddamn bedtime story.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?" Demetri scoffed. He sounded amused. "Jesus Christ Edward, you certainly have perfected the role of petulant teenager over the last hundred and fifty years, haven't you?" _Like this was news to me. _I smiled a weak and silent apology and waved my hand indicating that he should continue.

I backed away, realising I was still glowering in his direction, and moved into the centre of the alley once again, indicating I was capable of continuing our walk in a civilized manner.

"Our stories, yours and mine," Demetri gestured between us as we walked side by side, "they have striking similarities that I could not ignore when you first came to Volterra to plead your case. I haven't always been a monster, Edward. I was once everything opposite. Warm and passionate. Young and very naive. I grew up on a small settlement just outside what eventually became St. Petersburg, Russia. At the time, it was just a very cold and very boring hilltop that struggled to be self-sufficient. My father died when I was only seven, leaving me, the only child of a woman who was strong enough to raise me yet too stubborn for her own good – something she transferred to me. My grandfather and grandmother came to live with us after my father died to help my mother with the land, but in all honesty they were far too old to be of any assistance, and my mother ended up caring for them instead. She did not need them anyway, she had me. I was strong for my age and eager to help. I was not schooled; the schools were for the children of the Tsars and other affluent families. Certainly not for peasant children that could not spell their own name nor tell you what country ruled their land.

"Eventually, my grandparents passed and it was just my mother and me. We were happy together and survived every winter despite the odds. Then my mother fell ill. It was the hardest thing I had ever experienced at the time, and when she died it devastated me. Legally, I owned the land our settlement was on, but I couldn't have cared less. I left it. I needed a change of scenery and a release. The sadness was quickly building into a temper that I was struggling to control. A neighbor who had known my family for decades and shared our land agreed to watch over it while I went out in search of something.

"I obviously had no idea what the world held outside of the hilltop I was raised on, and an even fainter idea of what it was that I was after. Either way - I found it all the same. It laid in the beautiful, innocent face of a rosy-cheeked young woman with curls the colour of corn silk. Maybe it is more accurate to say that she found me. I was wandering a market aimlessly one morning when she kindly asked if I needed any assistance. I think maybe I fell in love instantly. The way the sun sparkled off her hair and face as she waited for me to speak, I remember wondering if she was even real. Surely nothing in reality was that beautiful, at least nothing my young eyes had ever seen. Eventually, when it became embarrassingly obvious that I was not going to speak any time soon, she giggled at me, but remained patient. I eventually found the courage to speak to her. I didn't stop for hours. I followed her to a quiet place she liked to go, and the conversation and laughter flowed effortlessly for hours until it grew dark all around us.

"I returned to the shed I had been staying in and dreamed of her that night. The next day I returned to the market, equally terrified that she would be there again and also that she wouldn't. She was. And so I agreed to follow her again to her quiet place… I would have followed her anywhere. Her name was Mischa. And so I met with Mischa almost every day for months. We spent the days talking and laughing. Her laughter was quite possibly the most precious thing I had ever borne witness to. She would bring food wrapped up in a white cloth that we would spread beneath us while we lay languidly next to one another and ate and laughed, reveling in the company and innocent proximity.

"It wasn't long before just being near her began to drive me to the brink of insanity in ways I had never before experienced. She was so beautiful and so angelic. She was always happy and never said a single negative word in the months that I had spent with her. I found her calm contentment enchanting and inspiring.

"One afternoon, it was growing colder earlier in the day, and I suggested that the next day she bring with her thicker blanket, one that we could wrap around us to save us from the chill. It was an innocent suggestion - my mother had caught the chill and died from it. The thought of any harm coming to Mischa pained me. With my suggestion, her cheeks reddened more than normal, and quickly, I realised my mistake. She thought my intentions were much more salacious than they actually were. I quickly tried to recover, explaining to her that my desires were innocent and not at all romantic. I was only worried for her health. The more I rambled, the redder her cheeks grew and the faster I spoke - fearful she was not understanding me properly. Eventually, tears spilled over the faltering dams of her eyelids and ran quietly down her cheeks, leaving darkened blotches on the lovely blue dress she was wearing. I was horrified. I was also entirely bewildered, but mostly just upset that I had offended her so greatly. I ran my thumbs along her cheeks hoping to avoid any further marks on her dress, reminders of my ability to hurt her.

"The moment I touched her, the electricity shocked us both. Our eyes met, and I forgot all about her tears as something much more primal brewed deep inside me. We both swallowed audibly, and I muttered an embarrassed apology, dropping my hands from her damp cheeks and backing away. Feeling like both a bastard and a scoundrel, I refused to meet her eyes again. How could I have possibly had it in me to hurt the most heavenly little thing I had ever known. I was disgusted with myself as I stared blindly at the hands that were clenched in my lap. After some time, I felt a small hand run down the length of my back. I looked up and was met by her glimmering, hesitant eyes. She left her fingers at the tail of my back and kept our gaze as she explained that I had not hurt her in the way I thought. She was not offended by my gaffe, she was upset because of how thoroughly I had explained that my intentions were not amorous. She was secretly hoping they were.

"By the end of the warm season, I had grown impossibly addicted to her presence. But I also knew that I had to be getting back to my land. It was left to me, and I had to do something about paying the fees on it, not to mention relieve my generous friend from the burden of its upkeep. Mischa was devastated that I would be leaving, as was I. We shared the most perfectly intimate night that my young heart could have asked for. I was going to leave the next morning.

"Before dawn had fully developed and I could set out with my heavy heart back home, a place thatno longer held anything for me – Mischa showed up at the threshold of the shack I was hiding out in. One look at her and my stomach was in my throat. Her eye was blackened and her lip battered and swollen. She had blood on her beautiful silk dress and was not wearing any shoes, though there was already snow on the ground. Instantly, I ran to her, scooping her into my arms and lifting her red little feet off the frozen ground. I sat her on bale of hay and quickly took off my own socks and shoes and began warming her feet. She wept and begged me not to leave her. She explained that she loved me and wanted to be with me always. Of course, I felt the same way, but I knew the way the caste system worked. She was the only daughter of a much wealthier family, one with noble bloodlines and a far superior place in society. She was brilliantly educated and way too good for me. Her father agreed and when Mischa told him about how she had spent her summer and her last night with me - that she loved me and wanted to marry me - he beat her senseless and locked her in her bedroom. He vowed through her bedroom door that we was going to hunt me down and teach me a lesson that I would not soon forget. He called me a 'fiend and a worthless serf', threatening to bring the authorities to me.

"Mischa got to me first, and declared herself to me if I wanted her. Of course I wanted her--she was all I wanted. The thought of spending a single day without seeing her made the pit of my stomach burn. But how could I allow her to abandon everything - her life, her family, her home and the things she loved - just to be with me?

"I had next to nothing. The very little that I did have had always seemed enough for me, but the idea of forcing it onto something as magnificent as Mischa seemed blasphemous. I cried and pled for her to go back home, to lie to her father and tell him she had not spent the night with me and that she agreed I was unfit. I screamed my worthlessness at her, describing in detail the meager existence I was capable of offering her. She didn't care. She wanted me and could care less about her pretty silk dresses and fancy dinner parties. She only wanted me. And so she had me.

"Mischa came home with me and was my wife by the end of the season. My home, though small and plain, was truly a _home_again_. _The walls swelled with love and my heart was so full it was always on the brink of bursting in the most pleasant of ways. By the time the snow had begun to melt and summer was once again with us, Mischa was expecting a child. Not having any father of my own, the idea both terrified and delighted me. But she was radiant, and how could I deny the warmth the idea granted me that she was creating our child - a tangible symbol of the beauty we shared together.

"It was the beginning of the eighteenth century then, and Peter the Great had grown exasperated with Russia's never-ending battles over territory with the Swedish rulers. His army was pushing the geographic limits of their reign, claiming more and more land, all of which was vastly inconsequential to me until the day the foot soldiers showed up at my door. I had no concern over who ruled the land that I farmed, nor could I have cared less. But the soldiers had just claimed the Neva River and the Tsar founded St. Petersburg. They were on a mission to assemble every former serf and scanty peasant they could get their hands on to construct the bastions of the fortress around the newly formed city. Violently, I was dragged from my home and my pregnant wife, literally kicking and screaming, in order to work in the deplorable conditions that faced the manual labourers of the project. I spent every day craving Mischa and the warmth of her embrace. Silent tears streaked through the filth on my face as I worked and let my mind wander to how she was getting on in her advanced condition and praying for her safety, while the weaker men around me died faster than they could be replaced. Eventually, the walls were built, and I was released without compensation. I was elated to be freed and returning to Mischa.

"I ran. It was a journey that should have taken me more than a week on foot, yet after only three days I found myself eagerly climbing the hill to my settlement. That was when I saw the dark blur of movements atop the hill. At first, I thought my tired eyes were playing tricks on me. I stopped climbing and watched as it crossed back and forth several more times. Despite my natural instinct to be frightened and run, I found myself slowly clamouring to the top of the hill, determined to see the flushed cheeks and sweet corn silk curls that awaited me.

"Edward, if I live to be older than all of the brothers put together, I will never forget what I saw as my eyes rose above that frozen hilltop."

Demetri paused to steady his voice. I had been watching in rapt silence as he narrated the most beautiful love story I had ever heard, but he had suddenly grown quite solemn. His body stood inhumanly still and his head bowed forward mournfully, rocking back and forth almost imperceptibly as he fought to both recall and absolve the next images in his memory. I saw every last one of them as they rolled through his thoughts - I wish I hadn't. Now they are forever stuck in my own mind. At times my ability could be such a curse. Though Demetri, no doubt, saw it as a gift, because he was unable to continue his tale aloud. Instead, he settled for just showing me the events as he recalled them.

I saw the blurry streaks he referenced and immediately recognised the kind of monster that would make such marks. Dawning began to build slowly in the back of my mind as I stood, rendered completely immobile by the anguish of what he showed me next. He was right; the memory was etched with perfection into his mind, despite its human origin.

There were dozens of small wooden cabins flaming bright orange against the vibrant pinks of the setting sun on the far horizon. Smoke billowed up in tall stacks as cottages burned submissively against the unequal match of the flame's power. Across the hill, fences and barns were incinerated. Animals fled down the sides to the safety below. The stench of the entire settlement burning was putrid, and it overcame Demetri, who stood numb on the precipice of the hilltop absorbing everything he saw. One pinprick and he would have toppled the entire length back to the hill's foundation, he was so utterly stupefied.

The humble cabin that Demetri had been born in, that his child was supposed to be born in, grew larger in his vision as he ran in its direction. In the distant murk I heard his low, pleading wails. He reached what was once the front of the home, the surrounding porch completely ashen, while the left half of the house was completely engulfed in flames and spreading quickly.

He crossed the threshold with a blurred vision that had less to do with the shadow of human memory and more with the tears that washed over his face as he ran into the flaming cottage. He began calling out - screaming, begging, pleading - Mischa's name trembling on his lips. He looked into the flames toward the area that they had planned to use as a nursery, now completely destroyed. A word that I recognised as a plea in Russian repeated as he stood helplessly taking in the heat and the devastation. _Please, please, please…,_he was begging.

Demetri leaped over a wooden beam where it had fallen across the floorboards that were quickly beginning to ignite. He ran through the rest of the home and out the back exit into the yard. He jumped off the back step, dodging the remnants of the door frame as it caved in on itself. He turned back to face his home, the place that was once his solace - housing his sweat, his family, his love, his everything. He sunk to his knees and buried his face in his palms, crying and begging illogical prayers for Mischa's safety, as the entire hilltop burned around him.

That was when he heard her. A diminutive cry from somewhere behind him. He was on his feet in a lightning-fast second, tracing the small trail of moans until he rounded the back corner of what was once a barn. A crumpled figure, swathed in the heavy fabric of a cotton dress bathed in blood, lay on the earth with her back to Demetri. She was entirely curled into herself, pressed firmly against the wooden wall of the barn.

He ran to her. Dropping to his knees once more, he reached for her shoulder and slowly moved to lay her flat to the ground. Her hair was sticky with blood and clung to her face and neck; there was no sign of corn silk nor curl. Her cheeks, once the most beautiful blushing colour, were drained white. Demetri wept as he placed his large hand on her tiny broken shoulder and tugged her tenderly toward the grass, knowing that with such amounts of blood he would be fighting an impossible battle to try and salvage her life. But it was his love, his entire soul and his meaning. He had to try.

Demetri's memories grew impossibly harder to stomach as my mind flooded with his wretched curses and sobs as he took in the sight of his dying wife. Mischa lay with her arms wrapped tightly across her abdomen, using her every last morsel of life to shield their unborn child from the horror that was taking place on the hilltop.

Demetri bowed his head and sobbed, his heart in anguish, as his forehead lay on Mischa's swollen belly, his hands cradling her, feeling the distinct movement of life inside of her. His mind reeled until he felt the faintest whisper of a touch slide down his back. He opened his eyes to see his wife's looking down at him. There was a flicker of recognition and love before her slow and final blink. Demetri lay weeping and sobbing into her cold body, longing for the warm embrace that kept him going through all the lonely and freezing nights in St. Petersburg.

After some time, he lifted his head and looked around at the destruction, never relinquishing his hold on Mischa. His confusion and fear were evident on his face. Then the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and a chill washed over him. Trembling, he spun his head around and found himself facing five pairs of fiery eyes. A faint "_nyet"_ was audible as Demetri cursed under his breath and everything went black.

I hadn't realised it, but I had closed my eyes and shuffled closer to Demetri, fully immersing myself into his grisly memories. I fought to reopen my eyes, feeling like I hadn't done so in ages. Surrounded by the black of night, the small glow of the streetlight greatly offended my pupils as they adjusted and I regained my vision.

At my feet, in a position that exactly replicated the one from his memories, Demetri was crumpled on his knees with his face in hands. His forehead rested on the heels of his palms while his fingers gripped the roots of his hair. His present thoughts were agonizing. It was all I could do to not join him on my knees and weep silently beside him. For Demetri to demonstrate such emotion was beyond uncharacteristic. It was disarming. So instead, I stood there like a fool, awkward and useless, waiting for him to regain his composure.

Eventually, he rose, his back still toward me as he straightened out his posture, rolling his shoulders and reclaiming his usual air of indifference. His brashness was much less offensive than it had seemed in the past. He collected his thoughts and began speaking again with a firm but heavy voice.

"The coven fed off of and then set fire to everyone in my small settlement, masking the true origin of the destruction. I don't know what drove them to such extreme measures - denied thirst, rampant neophytes…who knows? I also don't know why I did not die. Why I was not drained entirely. I have no idea why God would hate me so much as to inflict such pain upon me - turning me into the same monster that stole everything from me. But I am what I am now. I can no longer fight it, and I certainly cannot change it."

He faced me then, with sorrowful eyes that I could barely find the strength to look into. "That's my story, kid. That's how I was turned. It's also the reason I wanted to help you. Now you can appreciate my sincerity when I say to you that I know what it feels like to lose everything you have ever loved. Mischa sacrificed everything she had to be with me, to love me. And in the end she gained nothing but death. I was her destruction. I abandoned her at a time when she needed me the most, and I was not there to fight for her, for us. I did not protect her - I failed her. So instead, she lay cold and scared on the ground outside while she drew in her last breaths of humanity. And then I returned, too late to make a difference.

"You can make a difference, Edward. I found honour and respect in your fervent efforts to keep your girlfriend human, to not inflict this existence onto her – to _protect_ her. You are not at fault for Bella's immortality, and so I saw no reason why you should not benefit from it. And in so doing, I had hoped that maybe your story could have been one with a happy ending. Much like the one that I was robbed of."

His use of the past tense was not lost on me. The knot that had been building in my gut twisted and thrashed. Again, I found myself afraid of what more he had to say.

"The rest of the tale is easy enough to understand," Demetri continued. "I remembered the faces of the vampires who attacked me. I sought revenge, and I found it easily. It was messy and drew attention. I destroyed an entire coven… something Aro has done many times. Yet my reasons were unacceptable under traditional rule, as were my methods. So, I was hunted.

"Aro's idea of fun is skewed. He is very old and very bored. He takes pleasure in collecting exotic creatures, such as a brilliant tracker with an uncanny ability for evasiveness. But still… the fact that after several millennia he is capable of finding pleasure in anything is remarkable. Thus, most of us find very little fault in his antics. Even I rarely hold him accountable for the things he would be quick to persecute any other for."

I was really trying to have patience. Deep breaths, silent reminders to remain calm… But there was a point to all of Demetri's storytelling, and I was desperate for him to get to it already.

"Aro reminisces fondly on the years he spent combing the world for me," Demetri continued. "He laughs at the sheer difficulty of tracking a tracker… despite my lack of training or refinement at the time. He recounts the story with humour, as if it was all fun and games. Perhaps…no, not perhaps. With certainty, I can say that Aro hunting me _was_ his idea of good fun. I gave him such a great chase, that when decades later he found me, he wished less to persecute me and more to play with me. I was in no frame of mind to care either way. I was still overcome with grief and could not have cared less what became of me. I was almost hoping Aro wished to destroy me. Unfortunately for me, he did not. I have accepted my hand by now, Edward, and I have been both his employee and his prize ever since."

I had to admit, Demetri's story was incredibly sad, and the memories I now had in my mind were destined to haunt me later. Yet I was still struggling to understand exactly what he was trying to tell me.

"I'm sorry Demetri, for all the things you went through. I can relate to the feeling of the fates being continuously stacked against you. But why?" I whispered into the dark air, shaking my head back and forth in confusion. I watched Demetri's face as he fought to control his emotions and his thoughts.

"Why what?" He asked, looking for clarification I knew he did not need. He knew what I was asking and was buying himself more time. I played along.

"Why are you sharing this with me now?" I clarified, realising my inquiry was selfish given the pain he was still experiencing.

"Because," Demetri began, "when I made the decision to go with Aro, I also made the decision to let the go of all the bullshit. The pain and the memories were consuming me. They were devouring me from the inside, and I was unable to think clearly or even function. I was a mess - a devastated, impetuous and vengeful shell of a being. The revenge I found was hollow and did nothing to appease the heartache that ran deep in my bones. I had nothing to live for, and in truth, we are not really alive, so what was the point of clinging to the pain when all it did was beget more pain. I had to shed it.

"Edward…you are more noble than I ever was. You and your family, you live differently - admirably. You make the most of this damned existence. While my throat burns too fiercely to understand it, I certainly can applaud it.

"Believe me when I tell you that if you are not careful, your memories are going to be your demise, kid. Sometimes, we just have to… let go. Even if it is a façade and we can never truly forget. Or we _choose_ not to." He looked up and met my gaze. An image of Lethia passed through his thoughts, the little jungle witch who held the power to make all of our suffering go away. But like me, Demetri had chosen not to allow her the pleasure. Or the pain…depending on your perspective.

"But why now," I snarled. "Why are you suddenly so convinced that I would be better off to just walk away? With all due respect Demetri, my love isn't dead and gone. So why should I just give up?" I combed every nook of his mind, every corner that held anything of value, searching for a reason why I should throw in the towel and sulk away, empty handed and heartbroken.

"Because Edward…" He focused his eyes on the cobblestones to avoid looking at me. In his thoughts were glimpses of a recent conversation with Alistair. _So he had spoken with him. _Despite my relief, I was overwhelmingly angry with them both. I was feeling irrational and impetuous, the way I always felt when it came to Bella. And Alistair was sitting in _my_fucking chair.

"Sometimes you just have to be content with what you have," Demetri said, his narrow eyes cautiously gauging my reactions. "And you have a mind full of beautiful, albeit slightly painful, memories. But at least you have them. And I know you blame yourself, Edward, in all the same ways that I do, for not being there for her. I just think it is time that you forgive yourself and forgive her. Remember her and cherish what you once had. But learn from it and move on. I'm sorry Edward…" As he trailed off I saw where the conversation was leading and my body turned to stone. No. Please no. _Please, please…_I slowly shook my head back and forth, willing it not to be so – imploring him not to say the words out loud and make it real. He did anyway.

"I think that _she_ has… moved on," he whispered, summing up the whole point of the rotten fucking night.

No!

It was going to be my turn to beg.


	15. Options

Uhmm... Hi there *waves* Ii always forget to put an A/N at the top of my chappies when I post at this site...which kinda makes me both feel and look like a jerk...sorry. lol. Your reviews and love continue to astound me, both here and, uhh... everywhere :)) This story is a reunion story. It is also a painful story. But I believe in HEA, so... just sayin'. i hope you enjoy it...

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BPOV

Obviously, it was nothing more than a curse - the "life" and mind of an immortal. A senseless joke that the universe played on an unfortunate few. I hated immortality and everything that came with it. It was hard to remember a time when I had longed for such a lonesome existence...not that at the time I was anticipating being alone.

_Gah! _I drove the thought from my mind. Except that I couldn't, really. This mind of mine! There was no outlet for release. No hiding place or means of escape. There were no tiny crevices to crawl into and hide - _or die._

_I do envy the humans for that. _Sure, they were a weak species, but like I had any room to talk. I was the embodiment of pathetic. What a waste of a life. And there wasn't a damn thing I could about it. The humans on the other hand... They could at least throw back a shot and drink until the pain was obliterated. Or have a wild and passionate one-night-stand _–_ revelling in the unfamiliar force of a strangers grip, firm and unrelenting on your hips. And even...

_Suicide. _My thoughts wandered back to Jumper and the magnificent swan dive I had saved her from years ago. I now had an entirely different perspective on that night. Who the hell was I to interfere with her plans? All she wanted, _needed, craved,_ was to escape. To flee and leave it all truly behind her. To drift away in the quiet darkness of annihilation. Peacefully. To feel the cozy warmth of life hum for the last time through her veins, and then dissolve slowly, paving the way for a sweet serenity in the waters of death. They were going to flood and overwhelm her, but she would have embraced them welcomingly, with a satisfied smile on her lips as she finally freed herself.

And I went and fucked all that up for her. Because really, it was what I was best at_–_unintentionally meddling with things like the ever-ignorant moron that I was. Things I had no business in meddling with. Places I had no business being. It happened more often than I cared to admit. It always ended badly for me. _Obviously. _I was so just tired of the monotony.

I tried for some time to fool those around me. I put on a show a_–_ sorrowful little circus act of... Of what? What the hell was it that I was hoping to project anyways? Certainly not happiness. Everyone around me knew I was drowning in my own despair. Indifference? Worthlessness? Apathetic self-loathing? Complete disdain for my entire existence?Hard to say.... But I was fooling no one, least of all myself. So what the hell was the point? Why the charade? Why not just...exist better?

I closed my eyes, squeezing them shut, annoyed with my current train of thought. I longed for the pitch black that I would never truly see again. My overly perceptive eyes absorbed even the most minor hint of light as it breached the seal of my eyelids. _A dullish brown._That was the closest I could get to oblivion. It was insufficient and left me grossly unsatisfied. I snarled and jammed the heels of my palms into my eye sockets, desperate for the black.

_Please... The black, please, please, _I begged as a growl ripped through me. It didn't sound feral or angry. It just sounded like the pathetic whimpering plea of a slowly dying creature, begging for the death to be swifter. It wouldn't be.

Then, the airwaves around me hummed with a disturbance from solid and steady footsteps as heavy combat boots met harshly with the concrete floor. They neared swiftly, approaching me. Quickly, I threw my hands down from my eyes and placed them in my lap. I crossed one long leg over the other and used the tip of the heel on my boot to prod mindlessly at a tear in the leather of the black ottoman in front of me. I was trying my best to appear aloof....and hopefully not too calculating, as I picked at the nail polish on one of my fingertips. Technically, it was _Lincoln Park at Midnight_, a sinister shade of purple, but it looked black in the nearly non-existent lighting in the room as it flickered around me. I let that trivial detail distract me from my torment, sort of, and I looked up just as the heavy black door was thrown open.

EPOV

My mind splintered off into a thousand different directions as Demetri continued to speak. I had no idea what he was saying; the sound of his voice became a muted murmur in the background of my awareness, as his last comment wreaked havoc in my brain.

"_I think that she has… moved on,"_he whispered, bringing the entire weight of the universe down on me in one crushing blow.

_What the hell did that mean,_my mind demanded the obvious. Rather than pose the question to Demetri, I stood there stunned, as my mind reeled with the different implications.

Had she gone to Lethia after all? I didn't think so. I believed that Demetri's connection with the frightening little jungle witch was strong enough that she would keep her promise to notify him if Bella turned up there. Besides, I didn't believe for a minute that Bella would permanently eradicate every trace of me from her mind. No matter how hurt she was or how much she cursed my existence, she still loved me. Somewhere inside of her tender and forgiving heart, she would always love me. Just as I will always love her. And she will forgive me; it was too embedded into her character to be that way. Yes. I had _almost_convinced myself.

Then, a terrifying idea sprang through my mind. Perhaps Demetri meant that she had in some way managed to end her life…or whatever it was that we had. Had Bella managed to get herself killed in order to spare herself eternal misery? While I thoroughly appreciated the idea, given that I had every intention of entertaining such a plan when the proper time had arisen...a time that was now never going to come. Still, the idea of Bella killing herself because of me was beyond devastating and added mountains to the stack of sheer guilt that I carried. Could she have thought it was better than spending forever nights lost in the treachery of existing separately- - the way I had once thought?

However, this was a self-imposed separation; Bella knew where we lived and where Carlisle and I worked. She could easily rectify the entire situation by coming to me, to my family – _her family_ – if she wanted us. Since she had not made any contact and had obviously gone to great lengths to ensure that we could not find her ourselves, I was left to assume that not only was this option highly improbable, but also, maybe she was not suffering nearly as much as I thought. Perhaps she was momentarily hurt and betrayed but was able to move on from the pain…something I would never be to be able to do if I lived to be four hundred thousand years old.

_She has willingly lived without you once already,_my ever encouraging mind reminded me. It was a demoralizing thought and entirely accurate. When Bella was made immortal, she could have, _should have,_sought me out instantly. We could have offered her love and affection, camaraderie and a family. I could have given her everything. I would have happily vowed myself to her for all of eternity, saving everyone so much grief. But she didn't. _She didn't come…_

What did that mean? It meant that she was willing to go on existing as if I had never entered her life. As if I was a beautiful, adoring apparition that pranced through her mind in a dream but was something that she could never quite bring herself back to. She moved on. Demetri had said so. Or rather, Alistair had said so. Did he mean that she had moved on with another? Had Bella found someone else that could be all of the things that I should have been but failed to be whenever granted the chance?

No. Impossible. It would be a cheap imitation at best. It would not satisfy her fully, not the way I could…would…_will. _Would I care? What would I do if Bella was with another man? Just the idea made everything inside of me clench with rage...and guilt. I cringed at the idea of another man so much as looking at her the way I have looked at her, let alone placing even a finger anywhere on her body. She was mine to touch. And only mine. There was no way Bella would welcome such affections.

_Even if I did–which she knows_, my mind challenged me. It was a decent point. Fuck, I hated when I argued with myself and lost.

Obviously, I needed more information in order to make any kind of sense with the never-ending chaos of my mind. I realised my eyes had been entirely glued to the cobblestone walkway that Demetri and I were standing on, unblinking yet not actually seeing anything either. They were glazed over while ancient images of Bella stumbled through my mind. I decided I needed to ask Demetri to clarify, no matter what the price. _This could really hurt,_I mentally braced myself. I blinked slowly and raked a sombre breathe through my clenched teeth.

I had no idea how much time had elapsed while I stood there pondering Bella's options, though I had noticed that the drowned-out murmur of Demetri's voice had eventually subsided. Just as I was about to look up, my blackberry hummed in my back pocket. I grabbed it quickly, always anxious every time it went off, hoping against hope that someone had found something. That I would be met with good news instead of the old disappointment. It was Alice. Her text message read,

_Montmartre. I think you might have some success there. Love you. Miss you. – Al_

Her final words caused my already throbbing heart to squeeze a little tighter. God, I missed her, too. Slowly, this hunt was tearing apart every piece of not just myself, but of my entire family. They were all suffering greatly, and I was certainly not helping matters by running all across the globe desperate, frenzied and forsaken. My suffering made their own exponentially worse. And with every passing day, everyone deteriorated a little more. It was all my fault.

I missed Alice enough to not even dwell for too long on how incredibly annoying she could be. She _thinks_ I would be successful there? And what the hell did Paris have to do with anything anyway? I rolled my eyes as I swiftly typed out my response.

_Paris? Care to explain further, or…? Why must you annoying little psychics be so vague all the time! – Ed_

Before I could replace my phone in my pocket it buzzed again.

_I don't know why Paris, just ask Demetri. Why do brothers have to be so melodramatic all the time? Eternal questions, darling, no one really knows. You miss me, too. – Al _

I actually laughed a little under my breath despite my mood, then looked up to meet Demetri's highly amused gaze. He was leaning against a lamppost with his arms crossed across his chest, equal parts enjoyment and frustration animating his features, an eyebrow ached up at me.

"What," I scoffed, narrowing my eyes at him in annoyance.

"Oh nothing, take your time, kid. I've got all of eternity to stand here and watch you think. In fact, there is nothing better I would like to do with my time," he quipped, the slight lift at the corner of his mouth giving away his humour, as well as his thoughts that were mocking me in jest. Apparently, I had been lost in thought for quite some time. His eyes appeared lighter than they had been the entire night, no doubt feeling a sense of relief that he had made it through what he deemed to be the difficult portion of the evening_–_retelling his agonizing story.

Unfortunately, I didn't think that I had made it through what _I_would deem to be the difficult part yet. I had to find out what Demetri meant by "moved on," and what Paris had anything to do with the whole mess. Demetri had already resumed his leisurely amble down the alley. I caught up with him in need of some answers.

"So," I began carefully, "what exactly are you implying, Demetri?" I wasn't sure that I actually wanted to know. Of course, I needed to. But at the same time, I didn't… not if…I could not even bring myself to think of any of the possibilities again. I sighed and looked over to him. His stern expression caused my stomach to lurch. This wasn't going to be good.

"Alistair returned to Volterra a few days ago. I met with him and explained everything thoroughly. You know how he is…," Demetri trailed off, waving his hand in the air suggestively. Except that no, I did not know much of anything about Alistair, having never met him personally. I only knew the very little that Demetri and Carlisle had thought it important to tell me. I hissed lightly, just enough to express my irritation with him. _Get to the point, please. _He glanced over at me before continuing. "Right, well, you basically know how he is. I had to spell out your entire life story to him before his fears were squelched enough that he would cooperate.

"It turns out that he came across Bella again since I had last seen him. It was on the streets of Paris not too long ago. He recognised her broken posture and awkward mannerisms instantly, despite being some distance behind her. She was standing on the street in front of some establishment…"

I didn't mean to stop listening or to interrupt. After all, I was desperate for more information. But several things flew through my mind at once. First, my resentment that fucking Alistair had inadvertently ran across Bella twice while I had yet to even be in the same country at the same time as her. It was nearly enough for me to stop and snap a stop sign in half and jam it down a storm drain just to release some of the pent up frustration that had been brewing inside of me for the last eight months.

Secondly, _Bella was okay. _The knowledge that wherever she was, whatever she was doing, she existed still, was enough to pacify some of the pain and fear that continuously ran through me.

Then…I noticed the look in Demetri's eyes, sorrowful. Frantically, I drank in his thoughts, the remainder of his conversation with Alistair, to determine what had him looking at me in such a pathetic way. He finished his story aloud regardless of my ability to see it in his thoughts.

"Edward, she…she wasn't..." He sighed, and the gravity of the sound stopped me in my tracks. _No,_I already knew what he was going to say. "She wasn't alone, Edward. She was with someone. And when Alistair ran up behind her wanting to greet her... Well, apparently the male was very…_protective_ of her. He flew to Alistair, wrapped his fingers around his throat and levelled him to the sidewalk before he could get within three feet of her. When I met up with him, he still had the gouges on the back of his neck where the male's fingernails had ripped into his flesh. I'm sorry, kid, I don't know…maybe…just…," he trailed off weakly, not knowing what more to say to me. There was nothing more _to_ say. Bella was safe. Bella was with someone.

Obviously, I could appreciate that Bella simply had that effect on people - the overwhelming desire to protect and defend her. But this was a male, and he was acting territorially. He was not just defending Bella - he was defending his possession. Bella belonged to him. _Moved on. _

I bit back the residual human urge to keel over and heave all over the alley. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to get a grip, but all I could do was watch the scene play out on the black backdrop of my eyelids as I imagined it happening. It felt like everything I was living for, everything inside of me, was being ripped to shreds. Unrecognisable and excruciating. Again, it was all my fault. I looked to Demetri.

"Montmartre?" I remembered Alice's text message. "That's certainly not the _best_neighbourhood to be hanging around in," I sneered at no one in particular.

"No," Demetri agreed, "it really isn't, not even for us. Our kind in that area tends to be rather feral and territorial. Very violent. It's the um…the underground area, you could say. There are a lot of shady nightclubs, burlesque and cabaret establishments, cathouses and that sort of thing. You can just imagine why Alistair was there." He snickered a bit until he noticed the fire rolling off of me. He backed away, shaking his head.

"Edward, there is also an extremely high vampire population in that area. The city is very dense, and anyone looking for a snack could do so easily in that area. There are a lot of drunks and beggars, tourists and idiots." He offered what I'm sure was meant to be an encouraging smile, but the urge to smash something was stronger than ever.

What the hell was Bella doing in a place like that? It was completely contradictory to what made Bella _Bella. _She was innocent and pure, kind-hearted and angelic. She had always been a breath of fresh air in the otherwise dark and dire world I existed in. She should never be in a place so grotesque. I immediately loathed anyone who could bring her within one hundred miles of such a place. As if I needed another reason to want to rip the throat out of whomever Alistair had seen her with – the male that felt it was his duty to protect Bella. _Fine job you are doing so far, asshole, bringing her to the most disgusting area of all of Paris. _My fingers flexed with the very real need to feel something break and die beneath them.

*****

And then time just kind of… continued on. Nothing broke or died by my hand, nothing tangible, that is. With every day that passed, a piece of my heart, my hope, my, passion died. But never my love. Never my need or my purpose.

I went to France, of course. I had to go and walk the same streets that Bella had recently traversed. I had to see the same sights and interrogate the people. In an unusually optimistic mood fuelled by pure passion and need, I ran up and down the streets of Montmartre in the middle of the night, feeling like I _could_be triumphant in this debacle. I could find her. All it was going to take was one lead. One small piece of information that I could run with until it led me right to her feet. Where I fully intended to throw myself and grovel and plead for her to have me - whether I deserved it or not... I just had to know where those feet were.

A small piece of the puzzle came from an elderly female vampire. Knowing the corner where Alistair had seen Bella, I hovered in that area, determined to encounter someone who was there at the same time and could tell me something, anything. I approached the female where she was walking just off the main streets with her small coven of all females, making it a point to appear overly friendly so as to not startle them. If I had learned anything over the last year of hunting Bella, it was that my desperation read all over my face, and it made those I spoke with uneasy.

In an attempt at a different approach, I met their eyes, nodded my head politely at the elderly female who was obviously the leader, and said, "Good evening." She was impressed by my manners, and being the matronly type, smiled warmly at me as I neared. After a few minutes of casual conversation, I proceeded with my usual slew of questions. Describing both Bella and Alistair to the woman, I saw it in her thoughts when the moment of dawning washed over her. She had been near enough to see the altercation between Alistair and _the male_the day that Demetri had told me of. While Alistair righted himself from underneath the menacing chokehold of his attacker, muttering explanations, Bella had shied away. She backed off the main road and sidled up to a wall in the darker areas between two shops and around the corner from where the two men were busy making a scene. The old lady watched with an aching grandmotherly heart that instantly recognised Bella's pain. As Bella cowered against the wall, the old lady approached her with a warm smile on her face, completely indifferent to the brawl behind her.

As I listened with rapt attention and watched her memories, I nodded frantically, nearly panting in an involuntary reaction to feeling so close to Bella for the first time in what felt like forever. The old woman looked at me with sombre eyes, while the other younger members of her coven likewise stared, but with sickeningly different thoughts. I blocked them out and pled for the old woman to please continue. I explained that Bella was my mate and that she was scared and confused and how it was urgent that I find her. It was all true.

The woman took one of my icy hands into hers, which somehow felt warmer than mine, and smiled. "You can see, yes?" She asked in her thick accent that I could not place, her old eyes narrowed on me. I nodded. She smiled warmly and continued silently, recalling her encounter with Bella. I concentrated really hard to tune out the others' thoughts and immerse myself fully into the old woman's.

"Are you frightened, dear?" the woman asked Bella when she was near enough. Chewing on her lip in what was a sure sign that she was in fact uncomfortable with something, Bella lied and shook her head "no." The woman looked at her for a few moments, absorbing her details, details that shattered whatever pieces were left of my heart. She was somehow more washed out and pallid looking. It could have been the lack of lighting, but she looked unhealthy, even for our kind. It was so dark that even with the woman's pristine vision, I could just barely make out Bella's features through the blanket of black that enveloped her in the shadows. I did notice the dark blotches underneath her eyes. I was right, she _was_unhealthy - she was starving herself. It looked like she hadn't hunted in months. I wanted to leap through the woman's memory and pummel the asshole who was posing as her protector. He was failing her in every way imaginable. _Not like I had done much better._

"You do not have much to say, do you?" the woman asked Bella. I saw a flash of white as Bella gave a weak smile in encouragement and shook her head again, further demonstrating her lack of speech. Then, Bella's head bowed, and through the dark I got the impression she was avoiding the woman's penetrating gaze and staring at her shuffling feet. _So my Bella. _"Why is it you do not talk, dear?" the woman persisted.

"I just...." Bella began so quietly it was almost inaudible. "I have....nothing…" she trailed off, sighing in such a way that in the present I heard myself growl at her pain - incredibly frustrated at both the blame I carried and at its superfluous nature. "Nothing to say," she finished.

Then a booming voice cut through the black air. "Ready?" the male demanded. The old woman continued to drink in Bella's appearance as she quickly nodded, eyes downcast, biting her lip and sauntered off without so much as a good-bye to the old woman who was concerned for her.

I watched as Bella shuffled out of the woman's line of sight and felt the loss, however intangible it was, deeply.

That was it. That was all I had found. Bella, wherever she was, and whatever in the hell she was doing, which I shuddered to think - she was very well hidden. And I couldn't shake the repulsive feeling that somehow _that male_was content to have her all to himself.

The memory sickened me as I walked down the familiar cobblestone roadway. It was early afternoon, but the late winter sun was entirely obscured by the thick cloud coverage as I wandered aimlessly. I had hours to kill before I would meet with Demetri. He was returning from an official Volturi hunting trip and still had to meet with Aro.

I recalled something he said to me months ago when we last saw one another.

"_I have a lot of nets out there, Edward, I'm going to continue doing my best, but I think I have hit the limit of what I am capable of here. If you wish to go on, of course I will help you in every way I can. I just do not know what more I can offer you at this time."_

"_I understand. But I will find her. She is out there, and it is my job to bring her back to me," I reassured him. "Believe me, Demetri, I appreciate all you've done for me. I cherish the friendship we have formed here, but I agree…it's time for me to stop relying so heavily on you. It's time for me to hunt her down myself. I've been close in the past, I can do this. I don't have a choice. She needs me." _

The old conversation mocked me. I had been so determined, so resolute that I could do this, find her, recover her… and still I had nothing but my regrets. I thought about leaving the city to hunt in the hills somewhere to kill time and run from my own thoughts, until a very familiar little "voice" permeated my mind.

I tore off in search of it. As I crossed the deserted street and neared the piazza, I saw her. A huge smile stretched across my face, and I struggled to maintain a human pace as I closed in on her. _Alice. _She was seated on the edge of the fountain with her little arms on her hips, her toe tapping in annoyance at the air beneath her, as her little feet did not quite touch the ground.

Jasper was at her side, a calming palm stretched across her shoulder. He, too, had a smile on his face. _God I missed them. _I missed all of them. The fact that I was yet again tearing apart our family was devastating to me. If it had been for any other reason, I would have given up and repaired our fractured family long ago. The guilt was destroying me. But my need for Bella was stronger. So I continued to ruin everything.

Once I was in front of her, Alice relaxed the annoyed look on her face and smiled, her thoughts warm and loving. She jumped up on the ledge in a graceful bound and threw her arms around my neck. I wrapped my own arms around her, closing my hands around my elbows where my arms overlapped one another, and squeezed her tightly. _Yeh, I really needed this. _More than I realised.

My eyes pricked and my chest shuddered, like a small child who put on a brave face when he skinned his knee until mommy asked if they were okay and the kid dissolved into a pile of tears. That was what I did in Alice's arms_–_broke down completely,_ –_over two years of disappointment, guilt and despair rolling off me in waves. Beside me I heard Jazz groan quietly as he absorbed some of my burden for me. I buried my face into Alice's little shoulder and hair and squeezed my eyes shut, listening to my own trembling breaths, holding her close. I was starved for a loving touch.

"Yeah, that's kind of what I thought," Alice's little voice whispered in my ear. A wave of peace washed over us, and Jasper lightly slapped me on the shoulder in a sign of solidarity.

I released Alice and turned to Jazz to mutter some thanks. I smiled feebly at them. It was all I could muster. They were there just to support me, to love me. I was so unworthy, and yet, like the eternally selfish creature that I was, I allowed them to lavish affection upon me. We sat on the edge of the fountain for hours, talking about everything and nothing all at once. Alice was energetic as usual, and Jasper kept a watchful eye on me and my turbulent emotions. The normal feeling of resentment that I had whenever Jasper meddled with my natural emotions was abandoned as I graciously welcomed the break from the constant suffering. It was so exhausting. To feel something else, even for just a few moments, allowed me to relax and enjoy my family and their company, their affections. Alice held my hand the entire time we spoke. It had been so long since I felt any kind of kindred contact_–_ it felt so good I could almost weep.

I was surprised when Alice jumped up abruptly, the afternoon having given way to the early evening around us. The piazza was bathed in the soft and flickering glow of the fountain lights as they danced off the water.

"Come Edward, this way," she said. Jasper stood and followed as she pulled my hand, leading me through the courtyard and down the street. I turned to look at Jasper behind me, my eyes full of silent question, which he could feel.

"Since when do we doubt Alice, Edward?" Jasper asked, nodding at his wife as she continued to tow me behind her.

While my entire family regarded Alice as infallible, the truth was that I had always been a bit less trusting. Partially because it was easier to be cynical than to have blind faith, and partly because, unlike the rest of them, I could _see_Alice's visions along with her at times. I could see the fallacy in some of them and the improbability in others. I understood how subjective she was. So while I held a great deal of merit in her gift and trusted her intentions unequivocally, at times, yes, I _did_have a bit of doubt.

"Alice, what..." I was about to ask her what she was up to. I had assumed, mistakenly, that they were just there for moral support, giving me a much needed break from the hunt that was consuming me. They weren't.

"Shh, Edward. Just come," Alice whispered, leading the way toward the castle. I tried to read her thoughts, but she was meticulously guarded. Alice had always been the best at blocking her thoughts. So I trusted her and allowed her to pull me down the street. Even Jasper was as blank as a clean slate, trailing several paces behind us.

We stopped at the foot of the Volturi castle and stood. Alice looked distant and focused for a moment, but still I saw very little of what was about to occur through the random flickers of her mind.

I was about to demand some answers out of her when she held a little finger up in the air to silence me. Then Demetri's approaching thoughts entered my mind. I spun to see him making his way down the street with Felix. Between the two Volturi guards was the crumpled form of a small male vampire, his feet dragging behind him as they dragged him by his elbows toward the castle. The "official" business he had been busy with.

_Just give me a few minutes, kid. _Demetri silently acknowledged my presence without looking in my direction, not wanting to tip off Felix that I was there to see him.

Before I could so much as nod, I saw something. A rapid flash of something in my mind. It was enough to stop me cold and cause me to hold my breath in baited anticipation, praying to see more, to clarify, to hope.

The way my mind works is a difficult thing to understand. It constantly experiences an influx of information. Steady streams of sound and image float in and out without so much as a notice from me. After so long of dealing with the overload, it's just something I tuned out to the best of my ability. But this…this caught my attention instantly. This had me on my knees. I prayed it was the moment I had been begging for. _Bella. _I instantly recognised the soft curve of her hip and the way it lead over the hem of her short dress to her long, lean leg, bare except for the knee-high boot she had been wearing the last time I saw her - perfect. Her hair splayed out across her back in a thick blanket of mahogany. She was gesturing wildly with her hands and arms, and it was Bella.

It took far too long in my stunned state to register where the images were coming from. I could tell that it was not a live image, but that it was being seen through the haze of a recollection. Frenzied, I looked up into the soft, understanding eyes of my little sister. Her head was moving ever so slightly, confirming what I had just seen. I was not imagining it. That man knew where Bella was.

Demetri and Felix had already entered the castle, their prisoner locked between them. In a flash I was off, throwing open the double doors to the castle and flying as fast as I could after them. Behind me I heard the steady whisper of two family members as they followed me.

I threw open the doors to the room where the brothers and the guard were convened, already delivering their justice. Felix had his huge hands wrapped around the offender's arms, his knee in the cowering, trembling creature's back immobilizing him. Demetri had his palms pressed against either side of the man's face. Clearly, it was decided that he was to be terminated.

"No! Stop!" I yelled as I ran through the doors. The entire room halted everything to gape at me. Aro, standing just in front of his prisoner, looked up to meet my eyes. I wasn't sure, but he did not look surprised to see me interrupting his court. I didn't have time to dwell on Aro. I looked to Demetri who was eyeing me angrily, scathing thoughts of betrayal running through his mind.

_What the hell, kid? Are you trying to get us both killed! _he silently screamed at me. Just then, Alice and Jasper walked up slowly, flanking my sides in silent support.

"Oh my," Aro's delighted voice broke through the palpable tension. "To what do we owe this great pleasure, dare I ask?" A smirk that I didn't trust sprawled across his face.

"He knows where Bella is," I blurted out, too anxious for any kind of explanation. Again, every eye in the room was on me, all with highly diversified thoughts behind them.

"Well, this man is a criminal. He violated the number one rule of exposure by creating a scene in front of humans." Aro explained in his unwavering voice.

"We do not tolerate such blatant disregard. For that he will pay the ultimate cost of his existence," Caius elaborated, impatient with my interruption.

"No! I yelled, desperate for the four hands that were restraining my only link to Bella to release him at once. A tiny set of fingers wrapped around my bicep, cautioning me, anticipating my desire to run and release the man myself, consequences be damned.

Aro arched a defiant eyebrow at me before looking to Demetri and nodding, indicating that he should proceed with the termination. My breath hitched then stopped all together. The entire room seemed deathly still, and yet, like it was swirling frantically about my head as a hundred thoughts swam through my mind.

"No Demetri, no," I whispered desperately, my eyes pleading with his. "Please."

Demetri looked to me, then back to Aro, who stood, fingers drumming impatiently against one another, directly in front of him. He glanced back and forth several times between Aro and me, with torn obligations. Aro, observing Demetri's strained loyalties, descended the stair he was perched on. He approached the two members of his guard and their prisoner, where they had not moved since I disrupted their trial. He lowered his hands from in front of his chest and extended his arm to Demetri. He looked up to me, a devious smile playing at his lips. Without breaking my gaze, he lowered his hand onto Demetri's face, resting it along his cheek, his fingertips curled under his jaw, holding him in place with the subtle threat.

Both men gasped quietly as Aro stole every thought from Demetri's mind. Aro stepped back, looking between the two of us. "I see," he said in an unnervingly calm voice. It too held a silent threat. He took a step backward, up the stair from which he came, reminding us of his authority as he stood tall in his vibrant robes, eyes alight with an unidentified excitement dancing behind them. His thoughts caused me to shudder, and when he spoke again, his usual calm had slipped into a dangerously venomous tone.

"Well, Demetri, my pet, it seems to me the time for your decision is upon us."

* * *

Ahhh...what to do what to do... *drums fingers a la Aro*

Thank you!

Air

xox


	16. Bella

Are you ready? Did you notice the name of the chapter?

_Now if you will excuse me, I have a vampire to go and catch..._

Enjoy, if you can :)

xox

* * *

BPOV

The music pulsed violently in my eardrums. It bounced and echoed in my head, then vibrated throughout my hollow body. It left my skin humming in a way that I found repulsive. I wished I could escape it all, the noise, the people, the memories, myself. I narrowed my eyes and scanned the room, both comforted and disgusted by the things I saw. I looked back down at the floor and sighed. Every day was more difficult than the last. And I had an eternity ahead of me.

_He is never going to come,_I thought, almost numb to the pain that avenue of thought should have elicited. _Almost. _Did I want him to come? He wouldn't have liked what he found if he did. Which kind of made me want him to…

EPOV

I stood, entirely helpless, absorbing everyone's thoughts while my own mind was tail-spinning out of control. The prisoner, knowing his justice was upon him, knelt with his head between Demetri's competent hands, replaying the sordid affair that would ultimately be his demise. I saw flashes of images; everything was bathed in darkness, occasionally lit up by strobes of light that bounced haphazardly around the black. It was the same scene that I had seen in his mind outside.

The memory had Bella standing off in the periphery of the man's vision, and I had to focus to even see her through the murk of second-hand memory and the black of the room. I caught a movement of her standing off to the side in front of the man. She had her hand on her left hip and her eyebrow cocked defiantly, a small act that I had witnessed countless times in person. She shook her head, sending her long dark hair swaying against her back, then walked away, leaving the man's line of sight just as a ray of light scampered by her. _Where the hell is this?_

I looked to Demetri, who, through a deceptively calm exterior, was glancing between me and Aro trying to decide upon his next move. He was definitely in a difficult position, but I could not bring myself to regret the decision to out us if ultimately it meant finding Bella. The prisoner beneath him writhed, trying in a futile effort to break free from their hands. Felix grunted and tightened his grip. Demetri hissed, and jamming his knee in the man's chest, demanded that he stop moving. Aro laughed, thoroughly enjoying everyone's discomfort.

Demetri looked up to meet Aro's gaze. What he saw caused a shudder to ripple through him. Aro was amused and visibly feeding off of the tension. He watched with eyes alight at the man thrashing for his life, Felix's firm grip, Demetri's torn loyalties, and best yet–me–my desperate pleas and prayers, my determination to absorb every last detail from the prisoner in case his mind should soon come to an end. Aro smirked expectantly at Demetri, whose eyes shifted over to mine - a sharp contrast to everything dark and disturbing in Aro's. Mine were soft, yet pleading. They held hope and love, desperation and sincerity, promise and need, love and compassion. My eyes were pleading. They held everything that Demetri both respected and longed for. Qualities he once was.

_No Aro,_I thought, _his decision is not upon him. It was made long ago._

"Surely, Aro," Demetri began, looking back to the brother, "it would not hurt to allow the kid a few minutes with this man, to see if he does in fact know of Bella's whereabouts?" Aro's thoughts clouded over, the ugly overpowering the amused. He glowered at Demetri in a most unsettling way. He had been certain no member of his guard would ever decide against his orders. Beside me, Jazz groaned and quietly paced near the double doors, trying to work off some of the tension and fear he was afire with.

A smile spread across Aro's thin lips. I whimpered, knowing there was no humour behind it. He reached out and snapped the prisoner's neck, crushing his marble head into pieces that fell and rattled against the floor around us. Demetri didn't move his hands as the man shattered beneath his touch and fell away from him. He continued to look at his empty palms as if the man's head were still in his grips. He scoffed. Aro smiled again and spoke.

"Oops. I guess we will never know." He flashed his evil eyes around the room at everyone. Alice shifted from foot to foot, uneasy as thoughts I would never act on ran through my mind. Instead, wordlessly, I slowly turned…broken more than the man who lay in pieces on the castle floor…and walked toward the exit. I met Jazz there, and Alice was right behind me. Before I reached the threshold of the double doors, I heard Demetri sigh.

"That was entirely unnecessary, Aro," he whispered, still having not moved so much as a muscle. Aro snorted and brushed his palms together, freeing himself from the dusty remains of the prisoner. The man who knew Bella. The only one that we had met thus far who knew where she was and what she was doing there. _My Bella. _

Without glancing back, Demetri followed after us. In doing so, his decision was crystal clear.

"There will be repercussions," Aro's slow lilt echoed through the marble room. He stood above the broken remains of the prisoner, oblivious to the loss, and looked after the four of us with abhorrence. His thoughts busy calculating ways to both keep and punish Demetri. I cared for my friend, but I cared for my love more. I kept walking.

The four of us walked in silence out of the castle, into the dark and muggy night, and down the small streets. I marched sullenly through the open bay door in the front of La Pace, through the emptied restaurant, and back to my table. I sat with my back toward the equally grim vampires that were trailing me. They too passed the maître d and continued to the table in the far corner. Demetri took his usual seat across from me. Alice perched herself on an upside down empty wine barrel that stood tall in the corner near our table as decor. Jazz dragged a chair toward the table, the wooden legs screeching against the hardwood floors, spun it around and straddled it, his elbows balancing on the side of the table. We all glanced nervously back and forth between one another for a few minutes, everyone's thoughts centred on one thing: how much could we piece together.

Demetri scrubbed his palms roughly over his face, organizing his thoughts, knowing that he was going to be the keynote speaker at this particular meeting. Finally, he sighed heavily and looked up at me. He nodded. From the chaos of his thoughts, I wasn't quite sure what he was about to say exactly.

He laughed. It was quiet at first, and then grew gradually a bit more animated until it had a ring of madness to it. "Oh yes. I think I may be in trouble now," he grinned, his actions contrasting sharply with his words.

"Aro will not be pleased with me, not at all. I don't know what that is going to mean, but it won't be good." He sighed and his eyes glazed over a bit while his thoughts wandered, until he shook his head and focused on me.

"I know enough about our guy back there, though." He had our attention. "He was a merchant peddler of sorts, dealing various items of interest to high-ranking vampires in the region. He provided information, drugs, humans…whatever was needed, he trafficked. But he had a volatile personality, which I suppose did not end up working too well for him in the end. He caused a large scene in front of the humans at a popular nightclub recently. The Volturi were notified and here we are." He gestured dramatically with his hands around us.

"I know the area he had been working in recently, the places I tracked him through and the vampires he was associating with. I think if we focus on this information… Edward," Demetri paused, looked up into my wide and hopeful eyes. "Are you ready to go get your girl?"

I thought my face might crack under the strength of the grin that split my face. Finally, we were going to get somewhere.

*****

The next several months passed by in an agonizingly slow blur. The double guilt I felt was slowly eating away at me as I watched the heavy burden my family bore while they helped me search all the places Demetri had so instructed. Finally, I had enough and insisted Jazz go home. The weight of my emotions were crushing him, despite his adamant desire to relieve me by shouldering a share of my load. He had endured enough torture. I knew the feeling well.

Alice had tried to be her usual stubborn little self, insisting that Jazz could go but she was not going to leave me alone again. Always defiant. Always loving.

She pulled me tight to her small frame, which was somehow so much stronger than mine. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she stood on her tippy toes and whispered in my ear how much she loved me and that refused to leave me to suffer alone ever again. She told me I could fight and brood all I wanted, but we were family and that meant something to her, and she knew it meant the same to me. I agreed, but for different reasons. I wanted to spare them, even though they seemed intent on saving me.

When Alice first showed up and I crumbled into her and fell apart, it really shook her. She knew in the omniscient little way that she always knows things that I needed some support and thus she was here. But actually feeling the weight of my pain and my body shuddering against hers with unshed tears and pleas - that was different. It disturbed her to say the least. She knew in ways that others did not the true depths of all the dark thoughts that I entertained. The look in her eyes when she looked at me had been different from that moment on. The subtly defiant little flare was still there, but it was sidled up alongside a marginally concealed sadness. There was a deep pity that I hated seeing in her eyes.

I embraced her tightly, knowing she was right, but also that I was too. It was time for them to go. I was insistent. And even she couldn't hide how thoroughly she loathed any idea that left her and Jazz heading in separate directions. They were mates, lovers, best friends....to sever their bond with space would be sacrilege. I couldn't be responsible for that action or any more guilt. As it was, the emotional trauma I was carrying threatened to pull me under daily.

I roamed the streets of the cities in Czechoslovakia where Demetri had sent us, always at night. I was a wreck and in no way capable of maintaining a human pretence. I sleuthed through the dark streets in some of the world's darkest cities, looking in the darkest venues, and always with the darkest thoughts drifting in and out of my mind. The parallel between this and the last time I had left my family to wade through the filth of the world was nearly enough to break me completely. Of course, even that had not been the first time; there was a time much, much longer ago when I yet again left my family to pursue a wholly selfish agenda. Splitting my family, breaking their hearts and damaging them - it was apparently my pattern that I could not help but repeat every hundred years or so. I was so undeserving of any of them. I shuddered and hung my head lower as I walked, completely aware of how selfish I was and how repentant I needed to be.

Neon lights and strobe effects flickered from signs and through windows, disrupting the small patches of the dark night outside.

It was much easier to mix with the miscreants of society in the middle of the night without standing out unnecessarily. It had been several days since I said good-bye to Jazz and Al, and my heart felt the void immediately. My emotions returned to their full weight as well. I was drowning a slow death that would always be just along the periphery. It would never fully take me under, just make me wish it could.

Despite my more outwardly optimistic intentions, I couldn't control the small portion of my mind that was busy formulating contingency plans should too much time pass without Bella. I once thought that I could not live in a world that she did not exist in... I now appreciated the gravity of such a sentiment. For now the tables had been spun, and I was forced to do just that...separately. It was worse. Inevitably, doubt would creep into my thoughts, wondering why exactly I was pursuing someone who plainly did not want me.

The answer usually seemed obvious, though on darker days I had to fight myself a bit more to recall it.

I knew I had to ensure Bella was aware of several things. Then, if it was still her choice to continue on without me, I would have to deal with that. _Always her choice._ But she had to have all the information first. That was why I hunted her.

She had to know how much my entire family loved her. They had always loved her. From the moment I met her, everything had been centred on her well-being, regardless of how misguided. They loved her, but they also loved me. They left when I asked them to, but not without a heavy fight. I spent the entire night before we left Forks battling them, some physically when they tried to literally knock some sense into me as was the case with Emmett. Some with my words, my pleas, my unhinged sanity, as was the case with everyone else. Esme and Alice begged, Rose ridiculed my perpetually rash decisions, Carlisle tried to reason with me. Emmet lost his shit and threw me across the room, pummelling me and yelling a long string of obscenities and threats until it dawned on him that I was flattened out limp and resigned beneath him, already having left. And so they joined me. I don't think they have ever forgiven me for that very foolish decision. And why should they?

Secondly, Bella needed to understand how unequivocally I placed myself into the latter category. I loved her. I craved her. I needed her and mourned for her and silently cried myself into oblivion every single fucking night of my waste of an existence, always longing for her. I ruined her. But it was unintentional, and I only ever wanted the best for her. It was just that I was convinced that I wasn't it.

Lastly, as much as it was the single most dreaded thing I was going to have to do, I must explain my situation with Tanya to Bella. Whether she wanted to hear it or not, whether I wanted her to hear it or not - it had to be done. The very idea made me shudder with dread as memories I would just as soon forget flooded my mind. My knees buckled slightly with disgust. It was a memory that felt so much more like a betrayal to Bella than even the day I left her devastated in the woods behind her home. She would not forgive me for this, but perhaps she could appreciate it more if I explained it properly. Though I was not quite sure I ever could. I only had to hope for the strength and compassion - from both of us.

It was sometime just before dawn, and I was travelling down a nearly abandoned street in Prague. _Not entirely abandoned,_I scoffed, knowing better. While the street looked empty and the shops looked closed, there were a lot of shady thoughts and actions taking place behind the walls. It was not the greatest neighbourhood. It didn't matter to me; I tuned them all out, having no space to dedicate to them. I was lost completely inside myself. I wasn't even really aware on any tangible level of the man near me. That was, until he stretched his huge arm out and shoved me hard sideways as we walked beside one another.

I shot across the street and landed against a rusted junker car which ironically enough had an alarm. It screamed and wailed angrily as I sauntered back toward him in annoyance. His face never even turned in my direction as he continued forward. I snarled at him and sped up so I could rejoin him on the sidewalk.

"Asshole," I muttered, straightening out my shirt.

"You're never going to find Bella if you don't get your fucking head out of your ass and stop being such an emo prick, Eddie." Emmett intentionally used the nickname that he knew annoyed me to no end. I leered at him out of the corner of my eye, but continued walking.

Alice made good on her vow to never leave me alone for long again, promptly putting Emmett on a plane once she got home. He was more than happy to oblige--despite his jerk tendencies, our bond was very strong. I loved him, the huge, sloppy, violent oaf. Despite myself, as we walked in silence, I felt a small smile spread across my face. I risked a glance over at Em who was shaking his head and muttering something about "always being such a pompous prick."

He turned to look at me and offered up a smile, his thoughts so much softer than his outward mannerisms - as was always the case. I felt slightly sick as I thought about how I had severed the connection between him and Rose, even further ripping our family at its already tenuous seams. But there was no way Rose would come. Sure, we tolerated one another and at times even were nice, and of course, we _were_ family. That meant we would do anything for one another, including allowing Emmett to come help me while she remained home. It was better for everyone.

I took in the slimy street we were making our way down and almost laughed imagining Rose in a place like this. It was menacing and corrupt - though I knew there was a sliver of something very similar inside Rose. I had seen it on occasion when it peeked out from the far corner of her mind where she stored it. I sighed. I loved my family. I wanted nothing more than for us to be whole again, finally. Which was precisely what I was trying to do.

Up ahead a dark and damp stairwell that led down below street level to a nightclub of some sort was bathed in a soft red light, the small neon sign above the door illuminating the stairwell. It flickered in a steady humming rhythm. It was several blocks ahead of us, and Em was busy scouring the streets and listening for the slightest twitch that indicated whatever it was we were looking for--a rogue female or a small coven moving through the streets hunting. We weren't entirely sure what we were searching for. _Which made it so easy to hunt it,_ my sarcasm reared its ugly head. Em kept looking around us, but I was fixated on the blanket of red up ahead. A high pitched hiss came from the sign, and it flickered out a steady rhythm that I doubted the human eye would be able to detect.

My eyes narrowed on the red. I was almost aware of Emmett, somewhere in the background of my consciousness, as he stopped combing the streets and instead started watching me. The closer we got, the stronger the red light hummed. I could feel it deep inside me–a small vibration that worked its way through my iron bones and into my toes and fingertips. My scalp pricked and my breathing accelerated, low and steady but with a hint of awakening. It was both an instinct and a learned reaction that would never go away. Still, the light continued to hum at me. Emmett thoughts were confused but he followed behind me, content to watch silently. He was thoroughly enjoying a display of life from me again, even if I seemed "fucking crazy" as he was thinking.

"Can't you feel that?" I sneered, over my shoulder at him. My eyes were searching, my mind prodding his, trying to make some sense of the humming. He couldn't, it was just me.

We were standing at the top of the stairwell, looking down, Emmett bewildered, yet highly amused. I was just bewildered. My entire body pulsed. It was an odd throbbing sensation that seemed to beat with both the rhythm of the flickering sign and my dead heart...somehow. I closed my eyes slowly, my eyelids suddenly feeling overwhelmingly heavy. I tried to get a grip as my head swirled and my spent body felt strangely better than it had in a long time, though slightly subdued by my confusion.

Then it all clicked into place.

The hum was familiar. That was why my body liked it. It fucking _craved_ it.

Behind the black backdrop of my eyelids I saw the answer.

Without word or hesitation I flew down the stairs and through the heavy black metal door, leaving Emmett muttering a long string of profanities behind me.

Bella.

* * *

IKR!?!?!?! I am equal parts evil and amazing, you can say it. But before you yell at me, remember that at least we have her cornered.

The next chappy is the much anticipated BPOV.

Love me, please, I need it.

HEARTS,

Air

xox


	17. Shattered

Good grief...this chapter was almost the death of me!

It is the apex.

APEX!

Everything led us here and everything falls from here...

This had to be perfect. Thank you so much for loving me through it. Updates won't take nearly this long anymore.

Bella...sigh...

* * *

BPOV

The wind whipped through my hair, tossing it vigorously around my face as I ran. I reveled in the exhilaration of it swirling around my face, lapping at my cheeks and shoulders. Beautiful blurs of vibrant greens in every shade and hue imaginable smeared together in streaks as I flew through the forest. The air was fresh and damp, and the mud beneath my feet was wet and warm on my frozen toes, squishing in between as my feet sunk into the drenched earth with every step. The air smelled heavily of wet soil and pine. I savored every morsel of it as I sped, leaping off rocks, hurdling through the air from cliff to cliff, and skipping over treetops through the blue sky.

The mouth-watering scents of all of my favourite animals swarmed around my head. Large herds of deer, bison, and of course my favourite, mountain lion, were all around me. The venom seeped through the pinholes in my teeth and coated the back of my throat, lighting it on fire and propelling me forward toward my oblivious prey. At my sides, my hands clenched and unclenched as I ran, feeling the urge to wrap them around something. The bison that was at my feet would have to do the trick. I flew from the top of the dark green pine paradise I was climbing and dropped silently, landing inches from the hind end of the large mammal. It heard nothing. I snickered aloud at my stealthiness, the sound tinkling silver chimes through the air around me and my prey. The venom pooled and spilled out of the corners of my mouth. The forest was damp and the dark blanketed as the scent of the bison. The environment saturated me to my soul in a sweet, blissful sensory overload. It was ecstasy.

The animal heard my laughter but was much too slow to react.

_I am the world's best predator._

I reached out and expertly dug my long, razor sharp fingers into his hips. I pulled him back toward me, licking my lips in anticipation. The burn flared and the excited butterflies of my kill fluttered in my stomach. I catapulted myself off of the bison's hips and landed on his back in one swift, lithe maneuver. A split second later my teeth were sunk into the animal's neck, and I was pulling the beautiful, sweet, life from him, absorbing it into myself. It poured down my throat in thick, hot ripples while my lips stretched into a broad smile against his hide.

I swallowed eagerly, pulling until the flow was a paltry trickle. I lapped at the open wound, cleaning it, retrieving every last drop of the delicious fluid from his lifeless body. I hovered over my victim, sated, happy, and merrily relishing my perfect environment. I closed my eyes to zone in on the million microscopic sounds all around me. There were birds chirping in the dewy morning air, rodents scurrying in the brush, wings fluttering, and feet scampering in the mushy earth. The leaves rustled and the wind whipped. The smells were fantastic and the crisp moisture in the air was soothing. I inhaled a long, sweet drag of it through my nose. The oxygen was entirely superfluous to my survival, though in that euphoric moment it somehow appeared vital to my survival. The damp air coursed through me, expanding my lungs and satiating me. I opened my eyes…

Or…I tried to. They were suddenly incredibly heavy. Like a foreign weight was pulling them down, forcing them closed. I tried again. Nothing. I pushed on them. I pulled. I panicked and launched my shield out to protect myself from whatever was invading my ability to function on the most basic level. But my shield wasn't there. Well…I had the vague sense that it _was_but that I just could not access it. I tried again. I frantically searched myself for it. I wracked every crevice of my mind, every dark nook and cranny. I came up empty. There was nothing. Not a thing. There were no more wonderful damp, earthy scents either. In fact, all scent had been removed entirely. I smelled nothing. I tasted nothing. There was no more faint hint of dirt on the back of my tongue or remnants of the bison blood in the divots of my throat. There was no scorch and no thirst.

I tried to wiggle my toes to see if I could feel the mud squish beneath them, but my limbs were frozen, I had no control of them. I was being attacked from every angle. It was a cruel mockery of the euphoric environment I was actually in as the enemy held me captive in complete sensory deprivation with no idea how to claw my way out. My fingers tried to twitch at my sides with the idea of fighting back…but they were not there. Or if they were, I could neither feel nor control them. I could not see anything, as I continued to push against my eyelids, warring with their weight, trying futilely to lift them even a sliver so I could get peek and gain a better understanding of who was attacking me. My brain tried to flee…to scamper off into a corner and retrieve the names of my enemies whom I should fear…but I found nothing. No names, no enemies, no fear…nothing.

I wanted to be scared…at least, I thought I did. I wanted to run, or scream…but I couldn't remember how to do any of those things. Whatever had a grip on me it was strong, much stronger than I was. It was winning the battle. I had no arsenal left to draw from. And so I succumbed. I sank to my knees…except, I couldn't, because I realized the light pressure at my side indicated that I was already lying down. I had very little in the way of orientation. I tried to bring my knees to my chest, to curl myself defensively into a ball, but I could not. I tried to ask questions, but they died somewhere between my brain and my lips. Nothing worked properly. I was not myself. I was a defective shell of a creature, rendered utterly useless.

A voice. A low, booming rumble filtered in through the darkness. It was just a hint of a vibration somewhere deep in my ear canal. It called to me and pulled at me. It was my assailant. If I dedicated any thought to the matter I would have decided that the voice sounded male…but I couldn't – or didn't want to – the distinction no longer seemed relevant. The attacker sadistically pulled me in opposing directions, beckoning me yet disabling me.

My eyelids fluttered as he relinquished a morsel of his stranglehold on my senses. Through a very narrow, nearly imperceptible slit in my eyes, I saw…black. It was as if I had not opened them at all. I was expecting to see lush, vivid greens radiating through the filtered sunlight and onto the forest floor where I had left them. But no. This was the colour of pitch. It took a very long time to register that I had actually been successful in lifting a smidgeon of my eyelid. Slowly, the voice prodded at me annoyingly, pulling me further toward him when all I wanted to do was return to the green paradise.

At length the black shifted to a dark brown with noticeable hue variances. My eyes slaved to transmit the information back to my mind. That was when I realized there was more pressure against my body than just the forest floor at my side. There were hands on my back and hips. The man was shaking me, calling for me to come to him – begging me to open my eyes. I could not comply even if I wanted to. I had no idea where he was. I was alone in the forest save for the wildlife the last time I checked. Who was he? Where did he come from? What did he want from me?

His touch grew more charged, more frantic. He wanted something from me but I had no idea what and I had nothing to give. My fluttering lids wavered, and against the black backdrop of deprivation was a blur of paleness streaking back and forth. It was the male who was attacking me, calling to me, and forcing me from wherever it was that I had been.

_Wasn't I in the forest?_

The ground beneath me was firm, not at all the mushy, lichen covered earth that it should have been. It was not the grounds that I had been running freely through – hunting, laughing, and playing for the last…as long as I could remember. The voice above me made sounds that were perhaps questions, but they registered in my deficient brain as vague tones with no distinction.

And then I was finally successful at forcing my eyelids open. The bright green shimmered and invaded my sight. I squinted against the sun as it glared all around me. But I could not focus on anything. Everything was a smear of colour and light. It felt detached and foreign, not like it had before. Then the darkness closed in around my vision. Slowly eating away at the edges of my sight, taking more and more of the green as the seconds ticked by, until there was nothing left. I felt my face twitch as I struggled to reclaim the vibrant forest. That was when I realized my eyes were still closed.

Then I was being lifted, firmly and swiftly. Without warning I was thrust upward. My eyes still could not open, but I was so weak that I could not remember why I wanted them to. I allowed myself to be manhandled. At first there was an attempt to bring me to my feet, which proved futile, and then I was slung limp into someone's arms, my head hanging off one arm and my legs draped across the other. There was a groan; it may have been me. I made no outward protestation – I couldn't –I didn't want to anymore.

The voice continued to hum above me – murmuring soothingly in sharp contradiction to the assault and the kidnapping from the beautiful forest. I bounced lightly in the arms that held me tight as he travelled with me. I tried to discern the turns and the height variations so as soon as I was capable I could sprint back to the forest where he found me. My mind raced as my body drifted. Large rocking motions made it seem as if we were descending stairs. The last thing I registered before he won the fight and I succumbed entirely was a bright, flickering, red light. It pulsed under my half opened eyelids as gravity forced them open, my head hung upside down, my hair dragging along the concrete below. I passed beneath it. Then nothing.

Blackness.

Death?

No.

I expected to feel everything. Pain, fire, ice, loss, desire…instead...there was nothing. I had no concept of how long I was in such a deprived state. My memories were sparse as I tried to retrieve them. They were scattered and torn apart. None of them connected, and for some reason, I was sure that I didn't want them to any way.

There was a man hovering over me, yelling at those in the room to move, to make room as he cradled me in his arms like I was a small, fragile child. The idea was laughable. Despite his assault which had me incapacitated, I was a monstrous predator. He placed me down gently and kneeled down before me as I lay on a piece of furnishing above him. Days, months passed…I had no idea. Every time my eyes fluttered open he was there. He cared for me. He kept me just on the bright side of the dark abyss, refusing to let me slip away…if I even could; I had no way of knowing what the death of an immortal involved.

Then slowly there was more. More sight, more sound, more awareness. He was slowly loosening his grip on me. And for every ounce of control he relinquished, I realized I was much more emaciated than I originally thought. I had no idea where I was and no recollection of how I got there. My mind was blank. My limbs were made of lead, and it took every reserve of energy to shift or move them. My eyelids were almost too heavy to hold open; they kept closing of their own volition and I had to fight, struggle, to reopen them even a sliver. Though I had no idea why I fought, since I couldn't recall the reason I should care whether they were open or closed. It seemed to make no difference. I was too weak to focus, and I saw nothing but dark blurs and smears of light, and _him_. My breathing was labored and hitching. It dragged, sputtering and at times ceasing all together. My lungs felt raw and stagnant, as if they hadn't been used in decades.

_But wasn't it just hours ago that I was gulping back the sweet, delicious forest air? _

I was so disoriented. My mind was spiraling, and I could not steady it or grab onto any single thought long enough to analyze it and gain some understanding of what it was that was happening to me. Was it all the male's doing? Was this a prolonged assault that had me confused and wasted?

I both needed and didn't want the answers to the questions that I thought were swarming around in my mind…though I could not be sure. I opened my eyes further, groaning against the assailing light on my poor, weakened pupils and the energy that it required. A breath raked in through my lips, over my tongue, and down my throat.

Fire! So much fire. It burned and scorched and flamed. My hand flew to my throat and clutched frantically. The licking flames were all-consuming. It was like being reborn.

The male kneeling by my head brushed my hair off my face gently. He reached up and wrapped his large hand around mine at my throat, rubbing soothing circles on the backs of my fingers and whispering in my ear. He repeated the same questions in his soft, soothing voice over and over. Who was I? Where did I come from? What was my name? What language did I prefer? Why was I so weak? What happened to me?

He bewildered me even further. I was weak because he was making me weak. I was lost because he carried me away from my heavenly forest to the dark, confined hole he had me in. Aside from that…I had no idea what happened to me, where I was before I was running through the trees and draining the bison, or where the male had come from.

His eyes were soft and his touch tender. It added to my confusion. Why would he attack me, drag me away and then be gentle with me and beg me to answer questions that only he knew the answers to? I tried to answer the only question I knew I could in exchange for rest.

"Isa…" I whispered, beginning to give him my usual answer - Isabella, but please, call me Bella. But the meager syllable took a tremendous amount of energy. I didn't have enough just yet. The word choked off and died somewhere in my throat as I sputtered a dry cough and felt the burn in my throat for the first time in ages. It was intense. It consumed me just as bad as my very first days as a neophyte. Everything about the awakening was laced with déjà vu, yet entirely different. Where before everything was on fire and alive, the second time around I was numb and dead. I felt nothing and cared for nothing. I drifted away again so I would not have to deal with it any of it.

I came to with someone whispering in my ear, stroking my face, and holding my hand.

"Isabel…" he whispered repeatedly in my ear, his voice soft and consoling, luring me back to him. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to fight either. I followed whichever way my body led. If it wanted to drift, I drifted. If it wanted to awake, I awoke.

Everything around me was unfocused. It took several minutes of staring at the ceiling to register the black beams above my head, to notice in the dark room the curves to them and the plumbing lining the rafters, to be aware of the shadowing and distinctions in each piece instead of just seeing black blurs. Once my eyes focused, slowly climbing back from the brink, I turned my head toward the voice that was still just a gentle whisper, prodding in my ear, encouraging me to come to him.

He was a big man…male…vampire…my brain was slow, but it was picking up speed. Beside me, my fingers twitched, coming back to life. He had bright eyes, blond hair, and a wide smile. He looked very friendly as he slowly stroked my cheek and held my hand that twitched.

"Isabel," he murmured lovingly, seeing me wriggle out from under the heavy blanket of the abyss that held me captive. _His abyss._

"Why are you calling me that?" I whispered. I had no idea who he was, where he had come from, where I was, or why he had any knowledge – no matter how distorted – of my name.

"Is that not your name? You kept murmuring 'Isa' when I asked you what your name was. There are not a lot of female names that start with 'Isa', so I have taken a guess. Am I wrong?"

He spoke in heavily accented English. He sounded as if his human origins were from somewhere in northern Russia. My brain was beginning to pick up pace, running laps on itself once again faster than I could process. I nodded at him, not yet having the strength or finding the will to care enough to make the minor correction.

"Well, Isabel, you look like you are finally coming around. How do you feel?" He smiled at me, dragging a fingertip across the corner of my mouth and running it along my lower lip. There was venom pooling in the reservoir beneath my tongue, a response to my senses being overloaded as I climbed back from the darkness. I assumed he was wiping the venom away. He was very gentle. I looked up at him and into his eyes. A hundred thousand questions formed with the resurgence of my vampire brain, but I had neither the strength nor the desire to articulate them. So they swam in my mind until they drowned.

His eyes knit at the centre, and he swept his gaze over my body from head to toe and back again, a slow smile at his lips. I stared at his lips, still crawling out of the hole I had been in. He was in a suit, and it looked crisp and pristine. As my body slowly regained all my faculties, and the synopses from my brain were able to register, I started silently absorbing everything out of instinct. His clean fingernails and dress, his perfectly styled hair and gentle nature - he was not a nomad, like myself.

"You look confused," his gentle voice hummed above me as I lay on a couch before him. His lips were cherry red and moved swiftly and elegantly as he spoke. He was right. I nodded.

"Do you know where you are?" he asked. I shook my head. He smiled and brought the hand that still held mine to his lips, which I was still captivated by, and placed a warm, tender kiss against my fingertips.

"You are at a night club in Prague," he began. "It is morning now, but soon the club will fill with a variety of creatures, searching for a variety of things."

He had placed a strange emphasis on the word "variety", and I narrowed my puzzled eyes in question. He smiled warmly, still holding my hand.

"It's a mixed establishment. Humans and vampires, the former having no idea what sort of creatures they are fraternizing with," he began, an excited lilt to his voice. His enthusiasm and love for the establishment was evident in his candor. "The lighting is specifically arranged to ensure that everyone blends together seamlessly. The club is designed to lure the vilest individuals of both varieties. You can think of downstairs, the main area of the club, as a sort of picking pool, which those of us that run this establishment monitor closely and recruit from if there are any particularly interesting gifts. Then we traffic the vampires accordingly. It is a highly lucrative business if you understand what I am saying. As for the humans...well...they are permitted for obvious reasons." He winked at me, a sly smirk on his intoxicatingly red lips.

I listened to his smooth, excited voice, absorbing the information numbly, not analyzing, just listening blankly. My trip to the brink and back had left me utterly devoid of emotion and reaction.

"What is your name," I asked still leery of the male, unsure why he was being so kind to me after he kidnapped me. My throat flamed both from thirst and the way my voice scrapped like glass through my body. It was evident I hadn't been vocal in a long time. It was almost painful, and took a tremendous amount of effort to use it.

"Viktor," he answered. "I manage the club and everyone in it. Patron and employee alike. Which apparently includes you now?" His lips stretched into a slow smile.

The statement didn't elicit the horror or suffocation that it probably should have. I looked up at him, indifferent. I struggled to draw myself to a sitting position, my body weak and stiff but not as much as I thought it would have been after the assault. He guessed my intentions and aided me with a large, flat palm firmly pressed against my back. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. The room was dark. He had said it was morning, but there was no indication, no outside light leaked into the room. We were on a landing, a loft raised above the main floor which was visible through the iron railings from where I sat. The room had ancient chairs and couches strewn about and no separate lighting, only the haphazard reflections of the lighting that bounced around on the floor below. The furnishings were all dusty and constructed of dark woods and jewel-toned velvet fabrics.

I ran my fingers through my hair, combing them from my scalp to my neck in a fluid movement. I expected to get caught in a mess of tangles, but they didn't. My hair felt silky and perfect. I looked down at myself for the first time and noticed the loose white dress I was wearing. I was certain I had never seen it before. My eyes narrowed, and I twisted my fingers in the sheer, soft fabric. I looked to the male questioningly.

"You were covered in grime and mud when I found you. I took the liberty of dressing you in something less filthy," he answered. "I also washed and combed your hair for you, as it was quite a mess." I raised my eyebrows at his bold explanations. He did not look at all sheepish about the fact that while he held me under the water of his control, slowing drowning me, he had stripped and played with me as if I was a doll. I should have felt violated, angry, or at the very least, embarrassed, but I felt nothing. Just a trace of confusion at his words.

"Would you like to tell me what happened to you, Isabel?" he asked, his soft face not indicating any irony or malice.

"Why don't you tell me what happened, since you are the one who attacked _me_?" I stated flatly, the words quiet and monotone.

"Since I did what?" He gasped, his eyes wide and alarmed. "I did nothing of the sort, Isabel. What reason would I have for attacking you?"

I had no idea how to answer him. I didn't know why he would attack me, either. I knew nothing about him except the few small, insignificant things he had told me thus far. I shook my head against the chaos and confusion, rubbing my eyes. I was so muddled and disoriented. I wasn't tired in the human sense, but I was weary and no longer wanted to think or speak. My features sagged, and Viktor jumped to his feet and came to sit beside me on the couch. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him. I curled against his chest, not caring to fight his persuasion or think for myself any longer. Everything seemed insignificant and superfluous. He combed his fingers through my hair and ran them down my spine, repeating the trail many times. Eventually he spoke.

"No Isabel, darling, I most certainly did not try and harm you. I would never. I came back to Prague after being in Italy for some time to ensure the club was running at standard. I have many other responsibilities all over the world and am not always here. After a few days of discussions with those who run this establishment in my absence they revealed a concern for a female who had been left in an alley several blocks from here. My colleagues told me they had been keeping an eye on her...you...because they feared that whatever quarrel had brought you to the edge of termination and left you in a dark, damp alley, would eventually find its way into our building - which clearly would be bad for us. They reported that you had been there for months since they noticed you, perhaps longer. I had them lead me to you, wanting to investigate for myself.

"Your clothing was shredded and mud smeared every inch of your body. At first glance, you were an expired vampire. You were not breathing, moving, or functioning in any way. Admittedly, I was in the middle of ordering them to take you to the basement of our building and dispose of you properly, when I nudged you with my foot and I heard you groan. Immediately I called them off and knelt to you. I found your eyes fluttering beneath your eyelids. I leaned my ear to your lips but heard nothing. So I carried you here," he recalled, gesturing around us to the dark room. "I have personally taken great care of you, fighting the fight that clearly you had given up on, pulling you back from whatever imagined place you had crawled into in an isolated corner of your mind and lost yourself in. It has been many months that I have guarded over you, caring for you as you lay here in the centre of my loft in my establishment. I am offended at the mere idea that you think I brought any of this harm on you. You have no physical damage. From what I can determine...no one has harmed you but yourself, Isabel. The only thing I do not know is why."

He looked to me curiously. Memories and images floated lazily to the surface of my mind, flashing behind my eyelids and reminding me _why_. I shoved them back down and clung to the numbness. It was far preferable. My blank gaze held his, and I shook my head, indicating I couldn't recall what had brought me to such a weakened, quasi-suicidal state either. He smiled warmly and ran his palm soothingly up and down my arm.

"It's okay, darling Isabel, you are here now and that is all that matters. I am more than capable of caring for you. You don't have to do anything. Just stay here with me." His eyes twinkled warmly.

I had no idea what drew him to me or why he longed for my companionship so furtively, but I didn't fight it. I didn't see myself as having many options, nor did I care enough to pursue any alternate avenues. Clearly, when I had cared, I tried to kill myself and got lost in the crevices of an alternate universe in my own imagination. One that was far superior to the reality of being near death and unconscious in an alley in a scummy street in Prague. Abandoned.

Viktor seemed kind and nurturing, and I had no reason to not believe the picture of myself he had begun to paint for me. Somehow it seemed to make sense.

Seeing that I had no desire to converse with him any further, he laid my head against his chest once more and held onto my small body, cradling me close to him. He continued telling me the sordid tale of my slow recovery and the many things I had muttered and done in my abated state. He spoke animatedly as I lay against him, limp and numb.

I sat on the red couch for days listening to him talk, having nowhere else to go and nothing else to do…nothing. While Viktor spoke to me, other vampires would come and go from the little room where we were and he would bark orders at them or excuse himself momentarily to carry out some business, all the while smiling sweetly at me. His powerful presence over everyone in the club conflicted with the soft way he seemed to regard me. I wasn't sure why he gave a damn about me, but I let him.

And so I stayed. And Viktor was there, day and night, by my side, encouraging and supporting me when I gave him absolutely nothing in return – I had nothing to give. He ran the nightclub with an iron fist and yet always managed to have a tender hand insofar as I was concerned. Viktor was always talking, explaining, storytelling, and asking questions about me…none of which I ever answered. I felt bad he gave so much and I so little. But it seemed as if he adored me more because of it. Or at least he grew more and more determined to unlock the pieces of me as time went on. He sometimes dedicated days on end at trying gently to access my secrets. He complained that he did not understand me and he longed to know more, but I would never let him. It was not so much that I refused, that would be far too proactive of an idea, I just didn't have the capacity to search myself for the lost the answers he wanted. They were buried deep inside me. Instead, I told him nothing. I remembered nothing. I wanted nothing. I was nothing.

Vik was determined to try and assemble the great puzzle that he viewed me as being so he could love me properly. I didn't care - not about any of it. And I could not find the pieces to give him, even if I wanted to. They were long gone.

The upstairs was primarily where all of the vampires stayed. It was tucked far enough back from the view of the dance floor that even if the club's patrons were looking, which they were always too inebriated to do, they would have a difficult time seeing much of anything.

The loft was where the others stalked and hunted the humans below. I never left. There was a vibrant, red, crushed velvet settee situated atop ornate claw legs carved from black pine, and it sat in the centre of the loft, with all the other chairs and tables behind it. The cushions were lined with a shiny black piping and the back was adorned with large onyx buttons. They were beautiful and I found myself fascinated by them, often grazing my fingertips gently over them and getting lost in the smooth, gentle, black circles. No one was allowed to sit on the settee but me, and occasionally Viktor. It was a pretty little pedestal for a pretty little vampire. Or plaything. Or companion. Or project. Depending on the day – I was many things to Viktor.

He gradually become more liberal with his affections as I sat, day after day, night after night, and time trampled forward with very little meaning or distinction. He would whisper things about his day in my ear as he sat near me on the settee, brushing aside a stray lock of hair, or taking my frigid hands in his. He would kiss me at my temple and on the backs of my fingers. I couldn't care less. He could do whatever he wanted; it made no difference to me.

Understanding that I had no desire to ever leave the dark, little haven, tucked away in the corner of the seedy Eastern European nightclub, Viktor had established that no one was to climb the stairs to the loft during non-operational hours. This gave me a space that I could have to myself…or to myself with _him. _He would clothe me and keep me company. I grew dependent upon his doting, allowing him to think and speak for me at almost every occasion. He was generous with his affection but he continued to make it evident that he longed for more from me than just the physical companionship. He pried with vigor into my history. He begged to understand why I would leave everything behind me, what the cause was, and if I was in any danger. When he would become exasperated at my silence, he would move on to other activities. He took a lot, I gave nothing, and he cared for me, but he also used me. He was a vampire. A _real_vampire - for better or for worse.

And so it was night again, and I sat on our settee, legs neatly crossed at my knees, bare except for the knee-high black Louboutin's…the only thing I had with me from the day Viktor brought me into the building. I could feel the crushed velvet of the couch on the bare skin under the short black skirt that I wore as the club began to fill and Vik watched over it as he did every night from our place in the loft. His palm rested gently, if not possessively, on my thigh, his fingers stroking the skin there as he whispered in my ear. I smiled over at him, my eyes soft, appreciating all that he was for me. It was the best I could give him. Given how thoroughly he dedicated himself to me since the day he found me, I was sure he deserved more, better, anything…not the nothing that I offered. But still he grew increasingly attached to me.

I was smiled at him, his fingers worming their way closer…closer…under the hem of my skirt…as he spoke. He was tender and generous in his touch. I was almost positive that if the day ever came where I asked him to stop, he would do so immediately. But I never did. And so he took whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it.

My eyelids always felt heavy, especially at night, when the loud music pulsed through the building, and the lights bounced around the walls, and Viktor's fingers explored my skin. I found myself leaning into him, resting my head on his shoulder, not understanding the cloud of weariness I was always under, but not caring enough to address the issue. Viktor raked his fingers through my hair and spoke to me in soothing, gentle tones that were hushed to the point that I could barely hear him. He wanted our interactions to be relatively private given the swarm of vampires that shared the loft with us at night.

I peered up at him through the black sunglasses that I wore to shield my overly sensitive eyes from the offending white strobe lights below. They burned my retinas and felt abrasive against the usual darkness of the room at night when the club was functioning. I rarely left the loft, and it resulted in making my eyes incredibly susceptible to the strobes' effects. Viktor brushed his fingers down my cheek and neck, cradling my head in his palm as he spoke softly to me.

"Isabel," he whispered – I never bothered to correct him. "I missed you dearly the last time I had to go away. I have to go again for a few days. Won't you please come with me?"

I had gone on short trips with him before. He always asked me if I preferred to come or stay, even though he knew that if he wanted me along, I would come. When he asked I never said no and I never said yes – I just followed him if he took my hand and led me. This time I simply smiled at him, my head on his shoulder.

He rubbed his thumbs along the tops of my cheekbones, under my glasses, where the large purple stains marked my pallid skin. They were a permanent fixture on face. He rested his palm against my breastbone, my skin exposed from the deep V in the neckline of the shirt I was wearing, his fingers tracing lightly over my collarbone.

"Good, darling," he murmured, lifting my face up to his and brushing his lips against mine. I never returned Vik's kisses with much enthusiasm. I didn't do anything with much enthusiasm, but I did allow him to kiss me. I would close my eyes and lean into his touch, breathing in his breath and feeling his fingers toy with my flesh. He enjoyed it, and I didn't have a preference.

The hand that had been travelling up my thigh cupped around my leg and lifted, bringing both of my legs across his knees and over his lap. He shifted his lips from mine to my jaw and then slowly lapped down my neck, repeating the circuit several times before placing two gentle kisses below the shades of my glasses at the base of the discoloured marble flesh.

My forehead leaned against his shoulder. Viktor returned his lips to mine, sweeping his tongue across my lower lips softly, intimately, kissing me deeply. He held my hard, limp body tight to his, trying with every kiss, every gentle suckle and nip, to elicit something, anything from me. It killed him that I did not return his words or affections with the same eagerness with which they were given to me. His palms ghosted down my arms, curling around my elbow and dragging them up, draping them around his neck. He returned his hands to my waist and lifted, situating me atop him, straddling his lap with my back to the club.

He wasn't usually so affectionate during operational hours; he must have been particularly needy or frustrated by my silence. Viktor never raised his voice at me; instead, when he grew tired of my silence or lack of substantial conversation, he sought a more physical connection with me, grasping at what few straws he had.

As he continued to press his lips to mine, a slow hum began to build inside me. Viktor's hands swept across my back and down, gently kneading the skin of my thighs. The hum grew stronger, more pronounced as his lips moved over mine. As he lavished his affections on my skin, my entire body began to vibrate with liquid warmth that washed over me, fighting for control - demanding it. It had been years since I had felt anything, anything at all, especially a hum of that magnitude. I had never before felt it the countless times that Viktor touched me; I didn't know why that particular time was any different. It was a warm and delicious hum and I didn't want to feel it. Its mere presence was infuriating as I fought back, trying to stifle it along with everything else I had shut down over the years. I worked too hard to divest myself of all my memories, all my feelings and connections to a humanity that I lost long ago, to give it all up because of a stupid hum.

But still, it enveloped me with such force, such frantic intensity, curling and ripping through my body, that I struggled to imprison it. I felt Viktor's hot breath in my ear, his tongue at my neck, his hands growing more aggressive and more urgent gripping my thighs. My head spun. My vision faltered. My mind sensed the familiarity, trying to penetrate my mental walls and remind me of all I had disposed of.

I reached out a shaky, trembling hand and placed it against Viktor's chest. I had never acted proactively toward his affections in any way, so for me to reach up and touch him was quite monumental, though he misinterpreted my intentions. I pushed slightly on him, wanting him to back off for a moment so I could gain a grip on myself. But it was a weak push, and to a male as large and strong as Viktor, it probably felt encouraging as my fingers twisted in the fabric of his sweater and I groaned into his shoulder from the warm vibrations. I rarely spoke; my voice was always weak and scratchy from disuse. It always felt detached and foreign whenever I tried to use the strangled vocal chords.

Viktor, encouraged and eager, nipped at the sensitive skin of my neck, just behind my ear, growling and moaning with a quickly escalating need. The act was not designed to hurt me, but still, I felt a slight sting as his venom permeated the scratch his sharp teeth left behind. I had no shield to speak of, having not had the strength or the will to use it in years. But still, I felt something pulling at me. I tugged on Viktor's sweater, pulling him into me further but really just feeling the subconscious desire to move, and wanting him to be the one to move me since I did not have the strength. He growled eagerly, stood, and took the three steps necessary to push me against the railing, my legs still wrapped around his waist, his palms cupping my naked body underneath my raised skirt, suspending me and driving me into him. He anchored me firmly against the metal as I held around his neck, my mind reeling for the first time in years. I fought to stifle it, allowing Viktor to take whatever he wanted while I waged an internal battle against myself. But the delicious vibration escalated. It swelled and rocked through me. It felt so good. It felt so familiar.

It was entirely unwanted.

Then it stopped. The end of the hum was so abrupt that I pulled away from Viktor in shock. I was neither glad nor upset; I was indifferent to its existence, just surprised by how quickly it was extinguished. I looked up to Viktor's eyes as his face hovered above mine, his mouth stalled but his lower lip resting against my upper as he peered over my shoulder to the floor below. His eyes narrowed and a growl clawed its way from deep inside his belly. It was loud and feral and it sounded like a threat or a warning.

Never before had Viktor responded to anything so aggressively in my presence. His fingers dug into the marble flesh of my thighs and ass where he held me pressed firmly against him. His lips curled back, exposing his teeth as he snarled and glowered. Our lips were still touching. No human on the floor would have been able to detect the monstrous aspects to his threat. But another vampire would.

I was too weary to look for myself. I dropped a palm down from his neck and swept it across his chest and up to his cheek, trying to catch his eyes and get him to focus on me, explain his actions. He refused to release whatever he was looking at over my shoulder, growl upon growl resounding in his belly. Snarls ripped through his throat as his teeth gnashed and ground together in threat.

"Vik?" I whispered, calling to him. His behaviour did not bother me exactly. I was incapable of being upset. But after the odd reaction I had encountered, his out of character response was enough to have me questioning what was happening. Though somewhere in a deep and long ago forgotten part of myself, I recognised the sweet scents wafting in the air around me, the pull and the draw, the need and magnetism. I stifled all familiarity and pulled at Viktor's cheek until he turned toward me, but he did not relent his gaze. So I mustered up the energy and followed it myself.

I gripped onto his neck and turned my head, looking over my shoulder and down onto the club's bustling dance floor. And froze. Numb. Impervious at what I saw, yet at the same time instantly guarded. I recognised that I was not necessarily surprised, cognitive on a basic level of what was stirring everything inside of me. But stricken all the same.

Against the black of the floor and the uniform drabness of club-goer's attire, in the centre of the dark and the chaos, shining like an incandescent statue, was an angel. On his knees with his arms listless at his sides. His mouth was agape and his eyes were twitching. He was a pale, frightened, and horrified angel.

Shattered on the floor.

* * *

*sobs*

Thank you so much for all your love and reviews. I read all of them and try to respond to just about every one. THANK YOU!

I know I just kind of dragged all of this story over from the other site in one foul swoop...but still...you have reviewed loyally, it honours me.

If the angst is killing you, check out the antidote: SECRET SEX.

It is on this site and it is pure fluff, rainbow, and lemon. I NEEDED to write something happy.

LOVE!

As for THIS Bella and Edward...please let me know what you think, this chapter was a doosey. Thanks!

Air

xox


	18. Departed

**A/N: **Okay guys...If I say "trust me"...will you?

This chapter was difficult in the sense that these characters are hurt, there is so much to discuss and fix...and they will. But as I said, trust me, please ;)

A few quick notes about the last chapter. Bella and Vik were NOT having sex. They were just involved, but not actually having sex, many of you were under that impression. So sorry. Bella's attack was indeed self-induced. It is very similar to the state she put herself in in New Moon when Edward left. A near catatonic state...amplified by immortality.

(I'm inserting the following because it is something I just said on Twitter and I think it is relevant and worth repeating here, humor me: "ACE is in the validation queue. Should update shortly... Sigh... Please remember. Everything is done for a reason. And I L O V E these characters. And I will fix them. And this is all part of it. I won't hurt them unnecessarily. I would never do that to them. They are a part of me. I feel very...protective...of them. Nothing is done for shock & awe, it is all just part of the process. I love you. Thank you xox)

Okay. *deep breath*

Here it goes, remember, I love you and I love these characters.

Trust. Me.

SM owns Twilight.

I own nothing but really annoying and long-winded A/N's.

* * *

EPOV

I stormed the metal doors into the club. It took a fraction of a second to locate the source of the vibrations that pulsed wildly through me – that lit my toes and fingertips on fire. As I descended the stairs and entered the main floor, my eyes gravitated toward her immediately by sheer magnetism.

What I saw once my eyes landed on her, after the wave of relief crashed over me, caused a loud growl to rip through my chest. She had her back toward me, pressed against a black metal railing above the dance floor. Her legs were wrapped firmly around a large male who crushed himself shamelessly against her, either ignorant of the spectacle he was creating or indifferent to it. She held herself to him with her arms laced around his neck while he groped and nipped at her as if she were his private plaything.

A blanket of dark hair covered her back, waving back and forth with her every movement. She had on dark clothes and glasses and was nearly unrecognisable from the Bella of my memories. But those intangible strings connecting us that curled and tugged as I stood like concrete, weighted to the floor for those first few seconds, were unmistakable. No matter how different she appeared, no matter what she wore or who she associated with...nothing could ever disguise her from me.

She was Bella.

She was mine.

The growl turned into a savage roar. I barred my teeth and clutched my fists into tight, menacing balls at my sides – ready and willing. The male glanced up at the sound of my threat. His eyes peered languidly over Bella's shoulder and found mine. His lips continued to move against hers as he watched me. My heart lurched so hard that for a moment, I thought it had begun to beat again only to break. A fire ripped through me, the flames licked at my chest, my fingers, and my knees, as I ached to leap the railing and shred the monster that had the audacity to have his disgusting hands on my mate.

With his eyes still locked on mine, his mind raced, formulating conclusions as to who I could be and why I would react the way I had to the sight of him and Bella together. He instantly decided that whoever I was, it was a very bad thing for him personally that I was there. Moreover, that I was an important element is Bella's past. He smirked at the pain evident on my face. He studied me with cynical, beady eyes, but lurking behind the bravado danced traces of fear. I didn't have the time, patience, or the desire to stand immobile as he weighed in on me and I watched him manhandle Bella.

I growled again, or perhaps I had never stopped. I coiled toward the ground in preparation to leap to the railing and rip the male into a hundred thousand pieces. I would happily demonstrate with each slash just _who_I was, everything I represented, and whom I had come to claim. He growled back at me, lips on Bella's – stalled yet still pressed against hers. His eyes were hard and nailed to mine. I snarled in threat at my adversary and sprang with everything I had in me.

I didn't move.

A swift, steady paw reached out, grabbed me by the shoulder, and heaved me into the ground at lightning-fast speed. I looked back, angry as hell with Emmett, but he was not looking at me. He had his eyes on the male standing at the helm of the loft.

Emmett gnashed his teeth, his lips curled back as he threatened the male both as my brother, fighting my fight alongside me, and also equally sickened himself by the disrespectful demonstration in front of him. While he growled and held me to the floor, the thoughts running through his mind were cautionary. He shook his head almost indiscernibly at me in admonishment, discouraging the use of violence – which was odd to say the least. It was contradictory to Emmett's usual enthusiasm for a fight of any kind. Yet still, his mind raced with pleas for me to calm myself quickly – to not act rashly for once and to try to put my consideration for Bella first. He worried that fighting the male on the spot, while he itched to do so without even being able to imagine how I felt, would draw unnecessary attention to our situation and add conflict where we did not need it. He reminded me that there were humans present. It was also a distinct possibility that any violence might frighten or infuriate Bella. After all, the unfortunate truth as it appeared was that we did not know how attached she was to the male, but that clearly she had some form of a relationship with him.

I growled louder. The reality of Emmett's message sent me over the edge. I needed to know the truth about what was happening on that loft. I needed to know what had happened in the years that I had spent hunting her. Who was this male, why was Bella there, and was he manipulating her in some way – from my admittedly devastated vantage point the latter certainly seemed the most plausible explanation for her submission. I needed to see and touch her. I needed to reach out to her and have her see me.

_She was right in front of me. Finally._

She remained diffident through my entrance and the quick exchange of growls. Though the entire scene played out in mere seconds, it felt like an eternity that I had stood there in an agonizing purgatory between helplessness and salvation.

Even through my confusion and despair I recognised the truth behind Emmett's rationale. To put it moderately, it was humbling me to be put in place by someone so perpetually impulsive, especially in the face of a battle. I felt both grateful and ashamed by my own haste and lack of consideration.

Meanwhile, the male's lips, hovering over Bella's, spread into a slow and victorious smile as he watched the silent yet obvious exchange between my brother and me. He wasn't sure of my name, my connection with Bella, or my intentions…but he was positive that whatever small battle had been waged between us, he was triumphant. But he was wrong. He had to be. I felt it deep in my bones. Bella and I belonged together.

But then, up on the loft, a small pale hand reached out. Her fingers stroked along the male's jaw. They were not soft or tender. There was no trace of affection or devotion. Nor did there appear to be any spark or sign of chemistry like that which had nearly sickened those around us when Bella was human and she and I were together. But she touched him all the same.

The snarl rattled louder in my chest, my knees pressed firmly against the floor as Emmett's hand continued to drive me down, cracking the concrete below me. The male responded with his own snarl. We barred our teeth, our eyes promising violence.

Alas, a small reaction from Bella. She was trying to turn the male's face toward hers, and when she did, my chest heaved. I both cringed and longed to know _why. _Why did she want him to look at her? Did she care for him? Did she feel the tension in the air and trust him to protect her? That was _my_ job, though I had failed so miserably at it. And still, the universe continued to grant me second and third opportunities...and every time I floundered.

Was Bella scared? Could she not feel my presence deep inside her the way hers beckoned to me? Were there no strings tugging ferociously at her every fibre in a steady, urgent tone that could not, _should not,_be ignored? Was I not everything to her that she was to me? Did the male fill a void in her that I could not? Had I screwed up so badly...?

The male refused her. Instead, he snarled louder at me. His refusal both delighted and disgusted me. I would refuse Bella nothing. As it was, she merely shook her head in frustration. The ends of her hair danced. They were flat and black. The luminous facets that once sparkled through them were no longer present. Her little voice questioned him. She called him by his name, wanting him to answer her. She wanted him...

_Him. _

I no longer fought against Emmett's palm. My eyes pricked. And the need – the fiery, thrashing urge to have my skin in contact with hers – consumed me. If I could just touch her, just send some small portion of the familiar electricity that coursed through me to her. If I could force her to let it skate across the surface of her skin and drill itself into her veins where it would clench itself into her organs and claim her – remind her – then all had the possibility of being restored.

While I continued to growl, I could not shake the looming sense of desperation. Mere seconds had passed yet I had already suffered for an eternity. And still, Bella remained unmoved physically, and as far as I could appreciate, emotionally unaffected.

Then slowly – painfully – Bella turned towards me. She still clung to the male who snarled and smirked smugly in front of her, her legs wrapped around his waist. Emmett's hand dropped from my shoulder, having already put in his two-cents and trusting me.

My limbs slackened as fear and dread washed over me. The answers to my questions and all my worst nightmares circled above me like dark shadows – threatening, taunting, and waiting to descend on me while I was at my weakest, my most vulnerable point. I was a guilt-stricken, remorseful man in love and on the brink of losing everything...I was an easy, unarmoured target.

I watched from my helpless position on the floor as Bella's fingers laced around the male's neck and she craned over her shoulder to follow his gaze. I was frozen in place. Terrified. Apprehensive. Numb. Frantic. Contradictory emotions fought for dominance inside me as I waited with excruciating patience for her eyes to finally meet mine.

_Me, Bella. It is only me. You feel me. I know you do. You have to still love me, you have to,_I begged silently. I had no idea if she was listening to me or not.

My mind raced with pleas and regrets. My heart both hardened and melted, while my arms hung numb and limp at my sides. My lips slackened, foregoing their previous threats, and I remained wholly unmoved. On my knees. Eyes on Bella.

I could just barely make out the faint whisper of the whites in her eyes behind the dark shades of the sunglasses she wore. They swept in a smooth arc across the dance floor and then screeched to a halt once they landed on me. A slight shudder rocked through her body, and the corner of her lip twitched. Her fingers reached out and curled around the smooth, black railing to steady herself. No other part of her moved. It was enough – it was an acknowledgment.

Thick, purple welts under her eyes marred her otherwise pristine complexion, and I instantly recognised them as a desperate sign of thirst.

_I have been there before..._

Clearly, she was not feeding properly.

My chest continued to heave and my face twitched. Finding Bella at last, discovering her with that male monstrosity, and then realising she had been neglected and presumably being taken advantage of, was too much to cope with all at once. Everything thrashed inside me, and before I knew it, the shadows were on me. The dark and spiralling threats descended expertly. My vision narrowed. Everything in the background became superfluous. Bella was the pinhole that lit up the focal point of the tunnel that was fast engulfing me. She was all that mattered to me in that moment. All that _ever_ mattered.

Behind me, Emmett roared, snapping me from my reverie and chasing away the darkness just as fast as it claimed me. The surrounding thoughts flooded back in rapidly, demanding attention. Yet still, I was painfully aware of the only absence that I had ever longed to hear.

The male on the landing stared at me, as did Bella – their minds in stark contrast with one another. One pure and innocent in its silence. Silence that registered deep in my bones and I begged to permeate. To cradle and protect. To be entrusted with – which evidently I was not.

The male's mind was ugly. It was dark and highly possessive of Bella. He loved her. Or so he thought. And that was ugly to me. He didn't even know her. He couldn't. How could anyone truly know what was in that woman's heart but me. It was _my_ heart. Furthermore, Bella was to be cherished. She was not merely something to possess. The nature of his extreme claim on her disgusted me.

I was ready to demonstrate everything inside me. My love for her, my growing hatred toward him, my fire, my faith, my dreams... I would happily fight any battles that lay in my path to Bella. I had fought so many already.

The male was no longer looking at me. His steely gaze penetrated my brother's, resulting in Emmett's roar. _Vik,_as I discerned his name was, had noticed the brief shudder in Bella's body. It made him nervous and uneasy, the way her little fingertips dug into the back of his neck, and hearing the hitch in her breath when her eyes landed on mine. All of which gave me a firmer grip on any remaining morsels of hope I had been clinging to since storming the club's doors and finding Bella in such a compromising position.

Whether Bella outwardly acknowledged that my presence meant something to her or not…it did.

_I meant something to her._ She knew it, I knew it, and now he knew it. It infuriated him. It terrified him. But he could not possibly lose that which was never his in the first place.

Bella was never his.

_Bella is mine._

A slow, sinister smile spread across my face as I prepared myself to proceed carefully, yet passionately, and with a purpose. I stared at the male with fiery eyes. I had come for Bella. I would leave with Bella. That was all there was to it.

I rose to my feet. I would bow for an eternity before Isabella, which I planned to do regardless, but not for a second longer would I kneel before the revolting creature above me. The male who thought he had a right to touch, to claim, to possess that which the universe had given to me.

_Created for me. _

Behind me I heard Emmett's thoughts as he continued to snarl and snap toward _Vik_, itching to collide with him. Vampires began blurring around the room in a frenzy, far too quickly for drunken human eyes to register. They took their positions in place to defend their coven leader and their territory having heard the growls and sensed the tension.

Still...not even a full minute had passed since I entered the club. Everything blurred and flew at vampire speed. Thoughts, growls, actions, looks...all moved almost too quickly to comprehend. My mind raced. My heart squeezed. My fingers twitched with the urge to crash into something hard and fight for my life.

Bella remained unmoved.

Humans were ushered out of the doors forcefully. Frantic, alarmed, and agitated squalls emanated from them, adding to the tension that swirled around the only four stationary creatures in the entire club: the male, Emmett, Bella and me.

As the sound of the humans' thoughts and movements disintegrated into the night, the feral-sounding growls ricocheted louder and more menacing in my ears. They bounced off the black walls in time with the lights and the angry, pulsing music. I thought for a moment that I saw Bella's lip twitch, as if perhaps she had something to say – beg, scorn or deny – and a nervous hope bubbled in my gut. But she didn't. She pressed her lips together tightly and remained still.

No sooner had the final human been escorted from the building and the heavy metal door clicked shut than Vik dropped Bella from his hands, sending her crashing to the floor without any outward warning. I saw the action a split-second in his thoughts before its execution, and I roared at him. I leapt into the air, this time unrestrained. I was disgusted that he would treat Bella so callously and sped with all my might to catch her before she hit the ground.

In a swift and fluid manoeuvre, the male catapulted himself across the railing and into the air like only an immortal could. Our marble bodies collided and cracked on impact like a clap of thunder reverberating through the room. And so began the heated fight for dominance. For freedom. For both.

Above us, Bella rose slowly to her feet. Every inch she moved came across as cool yet calculated as she clung to what I was sure was merely a facade of imperviousness. Her thin little finger reached out and slid the bridge of the glasses back up her nose before she straightened out her skirt. She then rested her palms against the metal railing, arms outstretched to either side, and she watched with a look of utter indifference on her face. As teeth gnashed and claws dug mid-air, I managed to keep my eyes on Bella, fighting Vik by using his own thoughts and sights against him as I ripped and snarled. Bella's features were cool, devoid of any inflection, and she frightened me. She was like a zombie. I was desperate to get closer to assess the damage properly. She appeared to have given up...on absolutely everything. Inside…my stone heart shattered more.

But I had enough will to fight for the both of us. I had desire, and hope, and above all else...I had enough love. And so I did.

A hot, sharp, flaming monster brewed in my belly and coursed violently through me. I half expected to see sparks shoot from my fingertips as they clawed at the male while we tumbled through the air.

I felt like I was fighting on the side of good. Or love. As if I was destined to win. Everyone had suffered long enough. The hollow, emotionless woman standing at the railing was proof of that. It was time to remedy that, time to be allotted some good grace.

I had Bella's past. I had her future. I had her love. I knew her humanity. I remembered the steady, glorious rhythm of her heartbeat from when it once drummed in her chest, when it sped at the sight of me. I had the sweet scent of her shampoo and the memory of it thick in the humid air when she showered at night while I lay on her bed waiting patiently with a contented smile on my face. I knew the way it felt to lie next to her and watch her sleep peacefully, bathed in the comfort and safety of my proximity. I knew happiness. I knew peace. I knew we were true mates. Forever... _Not just words..._

I could offer her all of that again. Though I had thoroughly mishandled my second chance with Bella years ago, not a goddamn thing could get in our way ever again, least of all a vile and mal-informed male.

And the beautiful truth of the matter was that he had nothing on his side. Nothing. I would fight until I was no more if that was what it took for him to understand that.

We gnashed and hissed and ripped at one another. His mind was littered with threats and drivel about leaving Bella alone. Our bodies hit the ground and the concrete cracked under the force, splintering across the room to every wall. A large, garbled divot was left beneath us. We jumped to our feet in a blur and closed in on one another. Every swipe the monster made I ducked. Every lunge was expertly averted. When he stepped forward, I moved back. I was a half a step ahead of everything that he did... and so we danced.

I was in his head. I owned his thoughts. I was infuriating him. I planned on ghosting around him, mocking him, until I had him pinned. It was unlike any other battle I had ever fought. This was not for food or territory or even pride. It was not merely to prove a point or superiority. It was not a juvenile lust for dominance. It was for my whole world. It was for my future and for Bella's survival. This was for love. And love would always, _always,_be worth fighting for. Especially our love.

We circled around the room while Emmett and the other males engaged around the periphery, battling and biding their time until there was an outcome from the fight at centre stage. Their thoughts monitored every move diligently while they warred with one another. The club minions were clearly waiting for a sign from Vik that he had had enough and wanted them to intervene and "handle me." But for the meantime, Vik was willing to fight his own fight. He felt his dignity was at stake. It paled in comparison to all I was fighting for.

Vik's mind raced as we fought. He was trying to untangle what little it appeared he knew about Bella. He understood that I was someone from her past. I was significant, and thus I was a threat.

But there was no competition; he was merely another obstacle to overcome in the long and worthwhile path to reuniting and repairing things with Bella.

As we continued to dance Vik snarled and swiped at me. He lunged at my knees and kicked at the floor in frustration each time he came up empty handed. We were a literal blur of colour and light against the dark, pulsing dance floor. He did not understand how I was capable of dodging his every attempt. He did not know anything. That fact lightened my soul, flamed my hopes, and brought a smile to my face.

His heightened frustration was evident as each grab and lunge was made with more force and more desperation. I danced circles around the monster waiting for the perfect window to make my move.

I was fast. He didn't stand a chance. I ran laps through his mind. He would not win.

A laugh escaped through my lips. Dark, sinister, and threatening. He roared viciously in response. Then he sprang off the wall and rocketed at me from my right. I sprung off one foot into the air, spun, and came back down on him from the left. It was the perfect manoeuvre to pinion him. It was also the first contact we had made since the collision in the air. My body raged with anger and my mouth flooded with venom at the very real, very savage desire to send this monster to his maker.

I was behind him. He was confused. I was fast. I had _just_been in front of him as he fingers vice-gripped around thin air, his thoughts certain he had me. I wrapped my fingers around his throat and, with one foot planted at his back, shoved him forcefully to the floor. I landed in a crouch with both of my feet pressed against his back and my hands throbbing with want. I envisioned snapping his head from his body and leaving the minions to deal with the pieces. But then a quiet gasp rose though the from above me.

Bella.

With my hands still poised at the monster's neck I snapped my head over to where Bella stood – pulled from my fight and reminded of my purpose.

No sooner had I made what I felt was eye contact through the black lenses, then there were four males on me, practically foaming at the mouth in outrage. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I had heard their thoughts approaching me, but I was too distracted by Bella. Distracted by fears and insecurities.

_Why did she gasp?_

The males grabbed at anything they could get their claws on – piercing skin, shredding clothing, and penetrating my focus. They were convinced I was about to destroy their coven leader...I was not altogether sure they were wrong. They sent me flying across the room, smashing me into the wall and sending Emmett happily into a blind-rage cage match, entertaining all of them at once.

I was thrown over a hundred yards away from the fight. I crashed into the counter at the head of the bar, splitting it in two and sending wood, glass, and bottles of booze into the air around me. Behind me something hit the reflector mirror and shards of it came crashing down. None of it mattered to me.

I was out of the battle, unattended, and feet from the bottom of the abandoned stairwell leading to Bella. It took less than four seconds for me to shoot through every mind in the room and ascertain that Emmett would be just fine without me. He was actually quite enjoying throwing some weight around at last. Vik sprang off the floor, barking orders at his men to toss Emmett and me out with whatever force was necessary to ensure that we stayed out.

Four seconds... And my feet hit the floor and I was running. I flew on instinct...the pull intensifying with every inch I gained on her. And then, at the top of the stairs, just feet from where she stood, still indifferent and looking truly dead, I came to an abrupt halt.

_Everything_came to an abrupt halt. The fight below, the snarls and thoughts, Vik's orders... All eyes were on Bella and me. Vik made to run, to rescue Bella as if she were in peril by my proximity – the idea was almost laughable. I would never hurt her. Not again. And he apparently did not know enough to know that I _had_hurt her in the past. He moved no further than six inches before Bella responded with the slightest twitch of her forefinger which was still curled around the metal railing. The long finger raised in the air was clear instruction for the male to freeze.

My mind reeled with the implications. She wanted me there. She wanted to speak with me. She didn't want the monster to get involved. She trusted my intentions. She trusted me.

Could she still care for me? Did she appreciate the extent to which I was willing to throw myself at her feet, to cling to her and grovel? I would happily beg and plead as if my life depended on it. Because it did. Would she forgive me?

She wanted me... That little finger... My heart soared in that split second. The sweet hum that had led me off the slimy streets of Prague and into the very building where I stood before Bella returned tenfold. It hummed the tune of hope through my every limb. It warmed and cocooned me. It was a sign that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Even if it was the darkest, filthiest, corner of the world with a highly volatile atmosphere.

It took every ounce of restraint I had to maintain my position at the top of the stairs and not run to her. I wanted, _needed,_to feel Bella in my arms. To encircle her and hold her to me, cradling her against my chest like the very real, very precious creature that she was to me. It had been such a long and draining hunt.

My fingers twitched and my legs flinched. I fought against it and remained, wanting Bella to appreciate that I was there, but respectful enough to grant her all the time she needed to make the next step toward me. It had to be her move.

It was beyond obvious that I had searched for her. I did not give up until I stood before her. That signified all that she was to me – everything in my heart that all belonged to her. She would feel the hum and she would understand that it was an indicator of our coupling. We were truly mated and nothing on the planet should interfere with that. Nothing. So I could wait.

Somewhere below me Vik growled in opposition, but did not move. The males and Emmett had staged a ceasefire, awaiting further instruction. Bella had yet to move anything but her finger, which was still raised an inch above the rest, demanding that no one move. I assumed it applied to me as well, and so I acquiesced.

My chest heaved as the hum grew to a crescendo inside me. My eyes remained trained on Bella, unblinking – silently, respectfully absorbing her beautiful presence as it wreaked its havoc on me. I raked my eyes over her body absorbing everything I could from my position.

She was different. And I knew from experience that it took a hell of a lot to alter the physical presence of an immortal. Bella's appearance frightened me. Her hair had lost that glimmer of mahogany which had been amplified beautifully in her immortality. It was dark and limp. Her skin colour somehow appeared more pale and sallow, highlighted by the starkness of the black dress that wrapped around her tiny frame. Dark purple skin peaked out from behind her glasses and her overall appearance was emaciated.

I stifled the resulting growl that brewed in my belly at the useless monster who could not even be bothered to keep Bella healthy on a basic, immortal level meanwhile clearly taking whatever he wanted from her when it suited him. I itched to destroy him. But first I had a few choice words for him. His lack of respect and care for someone as amiable as Bella disgusted me. But the monster would have to wait.

And so...I remained. I focused on breathing slowly, choking back my wrath and inhaling Bella's scent.

Minutes passed. Bella did not move. I worked to block the thoughts from the males below so long as they too remained planted. All eyes were on the only female in the room. I was silently pleading for her to come to me, to stand before me – to let my fingertips graze hers or drift along her bare arm – some slight contact – and then we could talk. But first I just needed to feel her under my fingertips in order to reassure myself that she was really there and that after all the time spent searching, pleading, and floundering, I had truly found her. We were together.

I begged with my thoughts, hoping that she would listen in while she stood wagering her next move. There was not a solitary item in my mind that I wanted to hide from her any longer. It was all hers for the taking; she could have whatever piece of me she wanted, because the truth was that she already did, and had, for decades. She deserved everything, which of course, included the truth about the years we spent apart. It was all among the things that I was both eager and afraid to discuss with her.

For the millionth time since I had known Bella, I cursed the fact that I could not read her mind. I needed to know what was swirling behind the very obvious walls she had built around herself. I was desperate for some hint at what she was feeling or any answers she was harbouring. My eyes narrowed and my fingers twitched as I waited. Patience had never been my forte. Which she knew.

Then her fingers tightened around the railing. My eyes immediately darted to the movement, fixated as if the fingers moved in slow motion. They curled and her chest rose with a large, deep breath. She blew it out slowly, steadily and then released her grip on the railing. My eyes bore into her as I waited, stock-still. She licked her lips and raked her teeth across her lower lip in a gesture I had seen her do a million times over. Slowly – painfully – she turned toward me where I remained on the top stair, waiting for her to come when ready.

She took several slow and calculated steps, her eyes glued to her feet. I struggled to block the increasingly hostile thoughts assaulting me from below while I watched her approach. Automatically, my eyes followed Bella's as she walked. Together, we stared at her feet as the steps rang loud and foreboding in the club, the violent thoughts and the pulsing music all but forgotten in the maelstrom of my mind. All I could focus on was the echo of each small footfall as they neared.

Bella came to a stop at the top of the stairs. I was on the stair below the landing and, had I been looking up at her, our eyes would have been level. But we maintained our visual of her black boots. We stared as we breathed slowly, drinking each other in. We stared because we didn't know what else to do. I was overwhelmed –surely she was as well –fearful, anxious, charged with anticipation. So many of my loved ones' happiness relied on what I was capable of in that moment. I felt the weight distinctly as I stood before her. We stood, silent, and panting for what felt like an eternity, absorbing the delicious presence and the warmth, and even the tension. Our chests heaved with the old human reflex to anxiety. The hum dominated.

I felt rather than saw Bella's head lift and her gaze rake over me from foot to head. My eyes remained locked on her toes, giving her a moment to compose herself. If she was drowning in even one tenth of the emotion and discomfort that I was, she was sure to be highly overwhelmed. I would give her anything she needed from me, including time. I had nothing but time. It was yet another of the things that was on my side, _our side._

Or perhaps I hesitated for slightly more selfish reasons. Though I craved her, and hunted her, and needed her...I was so scared of what lay ahead.

Bella dragged in another deep breath, expanding her lungs and holding onto it. She slowly released it and her hand lifted toward me. A slow smile spread across my face in anticipation of the contact. Finally – the warm, familiar, and delicious touch of Bella's beautiful skin against mine, the sensation of _home_that filled and comforted me every time we joined. I had once told Bella that my draw to her, the siren song of her blood – was like a drug to me. But what I couldn't have known at the time was that it was so much more that called to me. It was her very spirit. It was all the winding and ethereal waves rolling off of her and intertwining with mine that called to me. They rippled and curled like beckoning fingers in the air, promising deliverance. Bella saved me...once.

Her little hand extended toward me. Contact was imminent; the anticipation trembled through my body, my smile widening.

_We will be okay. Whatever secrets and darkness lies in our pasts, we will put them to bed for once and for all. We will move forward together in the direction that the universe has been trying to push us._

Only her hand never touched me. Confused, I lifted my head and looked to her, just inches in front of me.

Her fingers had lifted only to softly caress the arm of her glasses, her thumb stroking the fragile strip of plastic tucked behind her ear. If I did have any soul to speak of, I would have happily handed it over in exchange for ten seconds in her mind which she was intentionally denying me.

She dropped her head, her hair hanging around her face listlessly. My fingers itched to touch it. Her eyes were again on the floor and her hair created a curtain between us. She removed the black glasses and they dangled in her hand as her arm hung limp at her side, swaying against her body under the force of her heaving chest.

Despite everything, I was thrilled. It was the next step in moving forward. My smile was warm and slightly abashed; I knew I had much to atone for. I had hurt her and pushed her away. I was the entire reason she found herself in that the dark and disgusting club full of monsters.

Her fingers loosened and the plastic glasses dropped. The sound of them meeting the floor reverberated through me. My body reacted, cautioning me – bracing for some sort of onslaught as if Bella herself were intending to cause me harm. My vampire senses were all on high alert, and my heart throbbed in contradiction. It wasjust _Bella_.

My eyes were glued to the glasses, fearful of the climaxing buzz in my ears as my senses overloaded. The hum had recoiled on me violently – disappearing. It whimpered and ran away wounded. I was left with an empty feeling in its wake. I pushed it aside and focused on Bella. She remained inches from me, our bodies nearly touching as our chests rose and fell under duress.

She raised her head to me. I felt her eyes boring into me. I slowly fought against my instinct to run and moved my eyes from the piece of plastic at my feet, over the hardwood, up her boot and leg, across her chest and trailing against the pale, porcelain of her skin.

And then a whimper escaped me. My body quaked and the sob that had been building in me, surrounding me and taunting me, finally broke free from my chest. Her look of indifference was devastating. The coldness that emanated from her features broke my stalled heart all over again. The fear that washed over me and towed me under the tides decimated me and my thoughts spiralled out of control – surrendering and at last, understanding.

_She can't forgive me. She won't. She might not even know how. She does not want me, or love me, and will not allow me to love her. I am ruined. She is ruined. I have ruined her._

I have ruined her.

It wasn't her hardened features or the benumbed coldness that flashed beneath her skin, emanating from her body. A body that had once been warm and cheerful, that smiled and laughed...a body that showed no signs of even remembering any of those jovial things. A detached little body that was so close I could feel her breath against my face. Taste its sweetness. My spirit wept at the familiarity of it. None of that was what inevitably drove the final stake in my heart and reinforced how thoroughly I had hurt her – how much I had lost her.

No.

It was the vibrant eyes that penetrated coldly into mine that spoke the one thing that my body knew before my mind had finally caught up. It spoke loud and clear. It decimated me to my soul...

It ached. It lamented. It felt penance. It instantly loathed that dark, rich colour. The colour of blood.

Red.

The thirsty, crimson-eyed vampire before me was not Bella. Bella was dead.

* * *

Ahem...

*runs and hides*

Icy already told me I can hide out in her bunker...I may take her up on that.

So here's the big question:

Do you trust me?

xox


	19. A Sign of Life

This story just refuses to update quickly, something always slows the process down. My sincere apologies.

If the angst is getting to be too much for you, please feel free to go check out Secret Sex. It is essentially angst-free. It IS however chock full of sweet, satisfying lemony goodness and a whole schwack -load of sincere, honest young love. *sigh*

But as for this story... They talk here. That's a decent start, yes?

xox

* * *

EPOV

We stood in a charged deadlock stare for minutes – hours, days, weeks – it could have been a half of an eternity, it definitely felt like it. My mind raced. I maintained contact with her eyes, glowing and penetrating mine, just inches from my face. My breathing accelerated while hers held steady, as she stood before me, the very picture of detached. I swam, like I had so many times before, in the depths of her eyes. Whether they were a rich chocolate brown, a perfect golden honeysuckle, or a vibrant, flaming red that frightened me to my core…Isabella's eyes would never cease to hypnotize me. They drew me in and towed me under their tides. She always had that effect on me.

I loved her for those eyes. I felt like weeping over those eyes.

"Don't." It was the only word I could manage. It was one syllable, and yet my voice managed to crack and cut the word off short, choking and killing it somewhere in my throat as I fought back wave upon wave of emotion.

Something flashed in her eyes. It was brief. If I were a mere human boy I would have never seen it. It flew through her eyes faster than a heartbeat – too fast for me to judge what it was; pain, betrayal, recognition, love. But whatever it was, it was a sign of life. It was a spark of the passion that used to burn so brightly inside her. It was hope. Somewhere behind her mask of indifference, underneath her frozen features, her numb expression and her lifeless, wooden movements…_my_Bella was in there. I just had to find her, reach her, and drag her out, even if it was against her will. I had to fight for her and against her, which was in no way a battle I had anticipated.

She stepped around me and blurred down the stairs, her glasses still in her hand as she sped past me. It happened fast. But not too fast. I had hesitated once when she walked away from me, and that was all it took for me to lose her for years.

_But not forever,_I vowed silently as I sped after her.

It all happened fast; we had only taken a few stairs before several things seemed to happen at once. First, I encircled Bella's wrist with my fingers, the hand holding her glasses, and pulled her back toward me. I had to stop her from further progress down the stairs and away from me. She snarled under her breath instinctually. The glasses dropped and fell at our feet and tumbled down several steps. Second, a pair of heavy black combat boots crunched them while a palm pressed into my chest and shoved me against the wall to our right. The handrail snapped, and I was pushed so hard into the cinderblocks that I was buried about eight inches into them.

I still had Bella's wrist.

"Let go of her," Vik snarled in my face, pushing harder against my chest, leaning into me threateningly. My left arm was outstretched behind him – I tightened my grip. He growled.

My eyes were steel as they drilled into his, his breath washing over my face. It disgusted me. His thoughts disgusted me. His entire existence disgusted me, and I had to fight with everything I had to resist destroying him on the spot. With his face that close to mine it was difficult to not recall how he had been all over Bella only moments before. Bella remained perfectly still behind him – stoic. However, it was not lost on me that she was not fighting my increasingly firm hold on her.

"Never again," I hissed through clenched teeth. I meant it.

Vik's thought's raced as he tried to decide his next move. It didn't matter to me – I had already proven that whatever it was, I would be one step ahead of him. He seemed fascinated by was the strange colour of my eyes. He remembered Bella's were similar to mine when he found her. Through his thoughts I saw that her eyes had been entirely black except for a thin ring of caramel just around the outside. He noted the oddity and wondered about it. Apparently he had asked her about her eye colour later and she refused to comment. He had found that worrisome. And now with my eyes mirroring that secret piece of Bella, it only served to strengthen the mysterious link we had to one another. His thoughts were simple. My presence terrified him. The idea of losing Bella terrified him. And what I was potentially capable of terrified him. His only desire was to eradicate me.

The staircase filled with males, four of the club minions and my brother, all rushing to the aid of whomever they were there to support. They hissed and snarled, shoving each other back and forth, fighting for the dominant position in the line. Bella stared at them coolly as they stood between her and the exit. I noticed a slight narrowing of her eyes and worried that it meant she was annoyed that the exit was blocked and that she would not be able to easily escape. The idea that she was contemplating fleeing again caused me to hold on even tighter than I had been if that was at all possible. If nothing else, dammit, I was going to convey to her that I didn't want her to run from me again.

The minions wrestled with one another and against Emmett like a bunch of idiots, and in doing so, one of them smacked into Bella. She crashed hard against the banister and a small cry of alarm came from her before she quickly collected herself again. I managed to keep her upright with my hold on her wrist. When I was sure she was fine I looked back to the male in front of me, and never before had my wrath felt so tangible, so overwhelming. How many ways was he content with harming, violating and exploiting her? I saw myself reflected back though his thoughts and noticed as my eyes hardened and turned black with rage.

"_Do_ you think you can you call your goddamn guard dogs off for long enough to show her some respect?" I growled in his face, keeping Bella's wrist and leaning forward into the male who looked back at me in amusement.

"Respect?" he mocked. His red eyes danced and his thoughts snarled at me. "Are you the one who showed her so much 'respect' that she tried to destroy herself just to escape it all?"

Images of a haggard and broken Bella flickered through his mind as he snarled in my face. She looked horrible, more so than she did as she stood before me presently. It sucked the air from my lungs and took the strength from my legs. It nearly buckled me when he recalled her condition when he found her. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought I was seeing a truly dead creature. I felt as if he had taken a blow at me, though technically he hadn't touched me. I shrank back further into the wall to escape his thoughts, as if it would help.

_How could she have been so careless?_

Bella was staring fervently at the place where my fingers were curled around her slight wrist. Her eyelids were heavy and her gaze was blank. For all intents and purposes…she didn't seem _there. _

"What did you do?" I asked in a hoarse whisper, dipping my head and trying to meet her eyes. "Why, Bella? Nothing is worth hurting yourself that much over…least of all _me._"

I could feel the searing gaze of the male as he watched me try to engage Bella. He still stood more or less between us. I endeavored to lean around him to get closer to Bella, but he had endured enough. He shoved me back against the wall, taking advantage of my clearly distracted state.

He shoved and I growled. He pushed and I kicked. It was a fight with minimal interaction yet one that spoke volumes about dominance and power. A few stairs beneath the three of us was the line of males. Emmett was the furthest away, having been forced all the way down the stairs. The minions hissed at him every time he moved so much as an inch forward – which never failed to elicit a broad, derisive grin from my brother.

The fingers of my left hand remained tightly clasped as I used my right to shove Vik away from me, snapping at him. He was hissing threat upon threat at me, all of which I knew would fall short; I was the better fighter. I was confident if the situation called for it, I could easily handle him and his pack of foamy-mouthed followers. But fighting the male was not my priority, and I would happily circumvent that option if it fast-tracked me to Bella. She was the reason for everything. She was my priority. Always. It was time to begin acting like it.

Then suddenly, intermixed with Vik's snarling threats and the pack of males, a single thought flew through my mind louder than the rest. It caught my attention because of its familiarity.

_Let go of her,_Emmett demanded.

I could see in his thoughts what he intended to do. And so it was with great reluctance, fighting against every instinct in my body that screamed to never again let go of Bella, I loosened my fingers.

I had my right elbow against the side of the male's neck and was jamming his head down toward the stairs while he shoved me deeper into the wall with his shoulder at my chest. I looked up right as I loosened my grip on Bella, just in time to see her eyes, numb and expressionless, drift from her wrist up to my gaze. She seemed to sense that my letting go of her was intentional and not a result of force, which appeared to confuse her. She narrowed her eyes just marginally. If I didn't know her as well as I did I would not understand that it was a sign of stifled rejection and confusion. I prayed she would appreciate the intent for what it was as soon as Emmett crashed into her. It all gave me hope that perhaps she actually did care and was not in fact as impervious as she was pretending to be. She wanted me to fight for her, she wanted me to want her – to hold her and not let go – which was unfortunately, precisely what I did in that moment.

In that moment…that spilt second in time when a snarling, threatening vampire was violently shoving at me, his thoughts angry and possessive, while four other males defended the stairwell, and while Bella's eyes met mine…I looked to her with the softest eyes I perhaps ever had, despite the chaos. I beseeched her. I pleaded for her to understand, to go against the odds and trust me even if I didn't deserve it. I wanted her to know that letting go of her was the last thing in the universe that I wanted to do, but that there didn't seem many options. I wanted to come back to her as quickly as I could because she was where I belonged.

My eyes shined with all the unspoken emotions that I still, and would always, carry for her within me. A small smile curled the corners of my lips upward, and I nodded, almost indiscernibly at her, as finally my fingers fell away from hers. At that exact moment Emmett caught the four guards by surprise. After minutes of doing nothing more than pacing and snarling at the foot of the stairs, he bolted through them, shoving them to either side and forging a path straight for Bella. The second my fingers slipped away from hers he had her thrown over his shoulder, and with one large hand braced against the banister, he leaped over it and landed effortlessly on the floor below the loft.

He landed in a fight crouch, with Bella slung over his shoulder, limp and resigned. She hardly reacted except for the slight gasp when her diaphragm collided with Emmett's shoulder. Emmett snarled and roared viciously at everyone remaining on the stairs as soon as he landed. The guard's thoughts all flashed with their intentions a brief moment before they were to implement them.

"He's just protecting her – he won't hurt her," I growled quickly, hoping to keep everyone where they were. I reached out and flattened the male to the wall when he moved to go after Bella and Emmett.

"I'm her brother," Emmett growled, gripping Bella firmly around the waist as she lay draped over his shoulder rather immodestly exposed. He coiled toward the ground ready to battle if he needed to. His eyes were dark and threatening, his thoughts a mixture of guarding Bella and monitoring everyone's movements on the stairwell.

I loved that he referred to himself as Bella's family. I hoped she felt the weight and acceptance of his words. I did. I smiled at them as Vik's eyes flicked back and forth between all of us. His mind raced with curiosity as to what "brother" meant. A human family converted at the same time? It would not be the first time such a thing happened. A former coven member? But what was I then? The rumble in his chest cavity slowed as his mind drummed on. He began to calm, and the minions' postures relaxed in response.

That is…until I catapulted over the railing and landed next to my brother and Bella.

Just before my feet hit the ground, Bella whispered at Emmett. "Could I trouble you to put me down?" The words were soft a monotone. But there was a hint of sarcasm underneath it, a trace of the old Bella, the human Bella that I knew so thoroughly. It gave me hope when hope was something that I was struggling to find as the scenario continued to rage forward.

By the time my feet were actually on the floor, Emmett had grumbled a muddled apology and gently stood her back onto her feet. But it didn't escape my notice that while I landed on the opposite side, he turned so that he could stand her next to me.

The energy hummed instantly. The currents left our bodies, exploded as they met between us and then returned tenfold. It was intoxicating in a completely different way than Bella had always affected me. It wasn't her blood, it wasn't her body…it was just _her. _Her nearness lit me on fire from the inside. I said a silent prayer that she felt it too, that it meant something significant, that it was something that I would get the chance to explore.

The male placed both of his palms on the metal railing of the staircase that separated him from the three of us on the floor.

"Isabel?" he called to her. His tone was far too soft and tender for my liking. I was instantly fuming. I choked back my natural reaction. I repeatedly reminded myself that I had just gotten her back, and that even that wasn't certain, so I had to be on my best behaviour. Which unfortunately for the fists that continued to clench and unclench by my sides with the desire to drive them into his face, meant not hurting the male unless he properly provoked me. My own talons dug into the marble flesh at the centre of my palm. The sting was nothing compared to the pain of everything else that I felt was lurking around the corner, waiting to sink its teeth into me properly. Still…I clung to that morsel of hope. I had to. What the hell else did I have?

When Bella did not move her eyes from the floor or act as if she heard him calling to her in any way, he addressed her again. Again he called her by the distorted adaptation of her name, eliciting a deep sense of both curiosity and animosity inside of me. I wanted to know, yet I recognised that perhaps I didn't.

"Please," Bella said the words only a breath on the air, but we all heard them. "Please…" she lifted her little hand and held it up in the space between her and the staircase. "I just need to time to…" She shook her head lightly.

Her words died off somewhere in her mind, and though she never actually finished her sentence, every mind in the room finished it for her silently, anticipating that she was saying she needed time to think. I assumed that that boded well for me. She was not instantly pushing me away as she had only minutes before. She wasn't yelling at me, she wasn't walking away, and she wasn't telling me to. I didn't move so much as an inch as I stood next to her, observing her silently.

As I watched her, I swore I could see the battle that waged inside her, just beneath the surface. Her fight to maintain the stranglehold on the façade, the distance, the false bravado she had erected around herself. The foundation of her fortress was crumbling, and she was panicking on the inside. _I_was poking holes in her armour. And while I probably should have felt bad about the fact that I was stirring up such turmoil inside her, I didn't. She needed to feel the turmoil. Hell…she needed to feel in general. It was obvious that she had shut down entirely, and from what I had gathered from the male's memories, she had nearly killed herself with fanatical escapism. But the mental diversion was just a defence tactic. I saw it clearly for what it was. And as sick and wrong as it was…I found some twisted solace in the fact that I meant enough to her that if she believed I had betrayed her, then I still had a chance at winning her back. There was a chance at re-establishing her trust and our relationship, at rebuilding that foundation, but this time with an indestructible substance. We were on equal footing for once, and with all our dark secrets dangled before everyone, there could be no more hiding. We had to be completely forthright. We both deserved nothing but the truth.

Despite my attempt to not call any attention to myself so long as everyone was remaining calm and Bella was thinking, my lungs expanded of their own volition. I raked in a jagged, laboured breath as a learned response to the heightened anxiety coursing through my body. It caught Bella's attention. Her head slowly turned until she was looking right into my eyes, only inches from where I stood.

My fist relaxed at my side innately, and my fingers twitched, longing to reach out to her. I fought back the urge. She reminded me of a frightened and skittish alley cat, and if you made any move closer or a noise louder than your own breathing, she would fearfully bolt in the opposite direction. I had enough of the chase – and so I did nothing but stare gently back into her eyes and wait.

They were not as vibrant red as a typical vampire. They were a muddy shade of crimson, dark around the perimeter and clouded, with only a small ring of bright blood red surrounding the pupils. Whatever she was feasting on, it wasn't enough. She was starving slowly. The purple welts in the hollow below her eyes substantiated that theory.

I continued to stare. I blocked all the thoughts in the room. The only ones I longed to hear I could not, thus the rest was merely a distraction. As she looked into my eyes, I wanted to believe I saw a softening behind them, but it could have been wishful thinking. I told myself that only time would tell. And in every sense I had all the time in the world. I would happily dedicate it all to her if she would let me. I said another silent prayer.

Her eyes fell from mine; the act of maintaining such a long exchange appeared to almost exhaust her, if that was even possible. Even for an immortal, she seemed fragile somehow, as if she was balancing on some sort of knife-edge. I had no idea what exactly awaited her on either side, but I would do anything I could to see to it that she didn't fall. Her body sagged and she bowed toward the floor – which brought the top of her head closer to me. I longed to lean down, take her into my arms, and nuzzle my face deep into her hair and the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent until it became a part of me. Or at the very least I wanted to stroke her hair and murmur gentle and comforting words to her until we slipped easily back into the roles we once occupied of star-crossed teenage lovers. I knew from my experience how comforting it was to have someone comb their fingers through your hair. I ached to bring Bella that level of reassurance.

A heavy breath left her lungs, and she drooped even further. I wanted to help. I had no idea how. What would she welcome? What did she need? What did I have to give?

I looked over the top of Bella's bent head to my brother. I needed help or direction. His eyes met mine and he shrugged. His thoughts were wrought with an indecision that mirrored my own. I licked my lips and dragged in a long, wavering breath, readying myself. I swallowed thickly, pools of venom continuing to seep into the basin of my mouth at the heightened tension of the situation; whether or not I ignored the hostility in the room and focused on Bella, it was still there. My body reacted mechanically. I steeled myself to make a move. I had to; I didn't have much of a choice. Bella was in a state of defeat. It was up to me. I could either screw up royally, or make the first step in repairing the miles of damaged ground that we had to cover. I hoped it would be the latter.

On the stairwell there were minor movements. I ignored them.

I dipped my head down, trying to catch Bella's eyes with my own. She refused to look, but her little finger twitched on one of her hands. You would have thought I won the lottery with the resounding smile that spread across my face. I recognised the finger twitch for what it was, and what it had been in me. I took another breath just for the hell of it, steadying myself, and ducked further, bent at the waist, my neck craning down to try and force her to just look at me. It was just me for god's sake. I readied myself – I had to address her. It was my responsibility since I had been the one to bring on all the hurt that surrounded us. Everything from her introduction into my world, to her inevitable immortality, her repeated abandonment, her current situation, Tanya, my family's pain…I had brought it all on single-handedly in some form or another. It was my duty to fix it. I _wanted_ nothing more than to fix it. And so I spoke…sort of.

"Bella," I uttered so low both in tone and volume that the small two-syllable word died before I finished saying it. Her eyes narrowed infinitesimally. "Please?" I wasn't entirely sure what I was asking for. But I would take whatever she would graciously grant me.

Her head rose. He eyes met mine. I tried not to flinch with the cold steel that I saw in them. Regardless…a tremor shook through me. Her look worried me, and any and all traces of softness that I thought I saw before were gone – long gone by the look of resolve in her eyes.

_So stubborn._

"Please what?" she whispered, her words cold and quiet. I flinched involuntarily. I would have rather she yelled or screamed – at least that would be…_something. _But the rigid extrication she had to her environment, her existence, and me, was enough to make me want to rip my own hair out. I tried to remind myself that it was all part of the process. She was going to hate me before she remembered how much she loved me. I had hurt and broken her, which was going to take time to repair. My two small words were not going to salve all the wounds. I needed to be patient. I had never been good at that. For Bella…I _would_be good at that.

I folded. I had to look away. Her eyes were too penetrating, too painful to look at, too lost. I shifted my gaze down to our feet. Whether she meant to or not, Bella wore her pain plainly on her face. Anyone who knew her well enough could read it like words scrawled out in a frantic and damaged script across her forehead. She had always been an open book of emotion. Immortality did not change that. And so I stared at our feet. Because she scared me…and I was a coward.

"I can fix this. Let me fix this," I mumbled. The drawback to my frustration with myself was that my words sounded weak and held less conviction than I meant them to. I _could_fix whatever was wrong with us. But at least my vow was quiet enough that perhaps none but those closest to me heard it. They had no business so much as witnessing our private interactions, let alone feeling provoked enough to try and intervene in some way.

"Some things can't be fixed. They just aren't meant to be. It doesn't matter anyway. You should go." Every statement was like a separate entity. Her words came in stops and starts, breathy and weak, that gave the overall impression of someone reading rehearsed lines without actually feeling them. I could make her feel again.

My head snapped up, and I found her eyes.

And like hell it didn't "matter," as she said. She clearly was unfit to make such bold declarations anyway. A growl began to rumble in my belly, but I quickly stifled it, equally worried that someone would misinterpret it or that I would scare Bella.

"Go?" I repeated through clenched teeth. Was she serious?

"You don't have to try and fix something out of guilt. There's nothing to fix regardless. I'm fine. So go." It was Bella's turn to look away from me. She was hoping to stay hidden behind her walls of imperviousness. But I knew her too well. And she was most certainly _not_"fine."

"Guilt?" I questioned. Bella peeked up at me through her eyelashes then dropped her eyes again to the floor. It was so familiar a gesture that in my haste to address her horrendous word choice I didn't note, document, or analyze the movement. If I did I would have noticed how she reverted back to _my_Bella for a moment, and her humanity, her vulnerability, her beauty, shone through. But I was stuck on the word I loathed. "Is that why you think I am here? Guilt?" My voice was slowly creeping higher. "While I will admit that I am drowning in a sea of guilt over hurting you, it pales in comparison to the real force that propelled me through the hell and torment of tracking you, the reason that I am here, Bella…right _here_. The selfish reason. Believe me, guilt and remorse plague me, and they have plagued me for a half a century, but more than that, more than the pain and longing, are the two things that we both know. I love you and I need you, Bella."

I should have been monitoring the thoughts around me more closely. I should have noticed the paranoia and fear in Vik's mind. The words were no sooner out of my mouth then the males all leapt over the railing and landed on me. Vik tackled me to the ground, and then dragged me to my feet only to throw me against the wall. I had been so focused on Bella that the attack took me by surprise, so I did not have time to respond. Emmett ran to him and all the minions joined in.

And so began the next installment of the death-waltz, but this time my brother was involved way too heavily for my liking. The painful roars coming from Viktor told the minions to battle hard, that he was done placating us, and that they had full permission to completely dispose of our disrupting presence. While I could handle myself even if I was outnumbered, I feared for Emmett. He was strong but not fast. He was intelligent yet impulsive. We all rolled around and tossed one another from one wall to the next. A few times I actually got scraped by venom coated claws or teeth as I fought off multiple males at once and tried to guard my brother as well. I could feel the sting on my skin. It would heal.

The hollow room reverberated with snarls and growls, with the sounds of heavy, marble bodies smacking into every wall, table, beam, and fixture in the room. Somewhere, as I was being tossed into a corner by two males who came at me while I was busy trying to shrug off Vik, a faint breathy noise caught the attention of us all. It started out so small, but then repeated until it was clear and severe, even if it was hushed.

"Stop…stop," Bella was begging. "Now. Stop."

We all did. All eyes were on her. She felt the weight. A noticeable tremor rode through her. She spun slowly on her heel, and walked away. She made her way toward the club's front entrance. Seven males were frozen in place behind her.

She lifted the bolt that had been secured earlier, pushed open the door, then turned back to us. Her eyes were glossy and detached. Her breathing was heavy but steady. I could see her grappling with her defence mechanism of invulnerability. It was slipping. She had always been bad at defensive tactics. For once…I rejoiced in that fact.

Her eyes panned the room, taking in the haphazard scattering of vampires in various forms of suspended battle. I was in a crouch with my back against the junction of the two back walls. There were bodies in my line of sight between me and Bella, yet somehow, she saw through them and met my eyes.

"Follow me," she whispered. And with that she was through the door in a flash. It was already clicking closed behind her before my mind registered her words and my body finally complied. I blurred toward the door then spun back to look at Emmett. In theory, the males should behave themselves given that I was the threat and I was walking out the front door…but I wanted to make sure he was okay.

_I got this,_ he growled silently, telling me to go and that he assumed the males would back off once I was out the door. He assured me that if they didn't, he would gladly fight them all. I rolled my eyes but continued through the door. I presumed I would not be too far away should he need me.

I blurred up the dark concrete stairs and back up to street level. At first there was no sign of Bella. I scanned the black alleys to either side of me and finally noticed her gently swaying silhouette against the tunnel of black alleyway to my left, her back to me as she continued walking away.

With no regard for human pretence, given that there was no one around, I bolted to her. She walked at a slow pace, nearly human, and so I caught up to her in a fraction of a second. I stopped behind her. She continued walking. I trailed, unsure of what I should do next.

After we had made our way down the length of three city blocks, I had enough. I sensed that she was in a daze and would continue walking until we circled the Earth if not longer.

"Bella?" Her name came out strangled as I grappled with emotion, but managed to at least finish her name that time. An improvement.

She continued walking.

"Bella?" I said more firmly.

Still nothing.

I reached out and grabbed her wrist, tugging her back toward me. She growled at me but did not turn around. I slid my hand down her wrist and laced my fingers between hers. I didn't know what else to do, but felt like I had grabbed and restrained her enough in our long history, and I refused to force anything on her ever again, including myself. While I was desperate to have her listen to everything that I had to say, I would not physically bind her. It was probably more frustration than she was capable of tolerating at any rate, given her state.

The electricity was real between us and it amplified on contact. So while I would not constrict her, I held her hand gently, because she was right there, and I had searched and prayed so hard. I had felt so hopeless and lost for so long, not just after learning of her immortality and losing her again, but for so long before. I had begged and pleaded and made silent promise upon promise of what I would do and say if I was fortunate enough to find her again. And because I couldn't just let her keep walking away – not any more.

More importantly, a growl was yet another sign of life. I rejoiced at that growl.

I stayed cemented to the ground, my entire body locked down, awaiting her next move. I had done enough for the moment. I was carefully trying not to cross too many lines.

And so I waited.

It felt like years that we stood there in the black alley, the hum of traffic in the distance, the wet tinkling of water flowing beneath us in the sewers and along the edges of the alley from leftover rain. Other than the sounds of our environment, it was utterly silent – no thoughts, no words, no movements. I watched as her back rose and fell at steady intervals. It was a good sign that her breathing was regular and not the frantic pant of a caged animal or a fearful immortal.

I squeezed her delicate hand, gently rubbing the outside of her thumb with the pad of mine. I willed her to turn around and face me. Still…she didn't move. Whatever she was wrestling with inside of herself, the battle was not going to be easily won. I just prayed our relationship wouldn't be a casualty.

"What do you want from me?" Those six words floated out in front of her on the still night-time air after she whispered them. They were caked with helplessness and despair. They shattered my heart.

"I don't want anything, Bella. I just want you," I whispered in response, wishing she would face me so she could see the sincerity in my eyes, and how they were soft and gentle and genuine. How they called to her and how they in turn answered every call of her own. We complemented one another in ways that I could not articulate or understand. It had always been that way, even during her humanity. She answered every silent plea inside of me, even the ones I had tried to deny. I wanted to return the favour. I needed her to stop showing me nothing but her goddamn back long enough for me to explain all of this to her.

"That doesn't make any sense, Edward." She hiccoughed on the words as she spoke them. My heart lurched. She continued. "You moved on. You didn't want me. You told me, you showed me, you left me. Why can't you just do that again? Go away and let me be?"

I would never leave her be. If she existed, then she belonged with me. If she refused to see that then I would never stop trying to persuade her.

Somewhere in the space of her questions and the heavy, tense silence that followed, I scoffed at her, indicating my opinion of her suggestions.

"Do you have any idea what you've done?" Her words were hard – cold and detached. They were hollow and dead. It frightened me more than if they were dripping with anger and accusation. "Because I truthfully don't think that you do. You have no idea. None. Do you?"

"No," I mumbled back honestly, my eyes narrowed with pain as they bore into her back. I tried not to fall to my knees and cling to her ankles and weep.

She was right in that I had no idea. I clearly had no understanding of what was going on inside Bella's mind, in her heart, why she would think that it could ever be an option for me to just leave, or how she could end up in a place as disgusting as Prague. To say I was confused, hurt, and scared would be a gross understatement. But what is the word to describe one who finds himself standing at the brink of a precipice, watching as his very life flounders from peak to peak carelessly?

I was on edge. I was charged and desperate. I was pleading with myself not to screw it up again. I was so afraid of so many different things that everything fought for dominance inside my mind and nothing won. I didn't know whether to profess my love or apologise for her pain first. And so I muttered one small, weak word, and then offered up nothing more. How could I? What right did I have? She was right. I had no idea, and so she had to go first. I braced myself for the impending onslaught she was sure to unleash on me.

"Exactly," she whispered, rotating to face me slowly. Her eyes were more lifeless than her tone. Any sign of life that had sparked in her before had been extinguished as we stood there in the alley as time slipped away and expanded the rift between us. "So go away."

I closed my eyes and took a long, slow drag of oxygen through my nostrils and held onto it, tasting everything that was in the air on the back of my tongue, including the sweet scent of Bella. I slowly blew out the breath and opened my eyes to meet hers that were somehow so, so close to mine.

"No."

* * *

Atta boy!

*pats Ed on bum*

Now Ed. FIGHT! Fight like you should have in the first goddamn place. Fight like you mean it, like you OWN it.

*ahem*

Ed fights in the next chapter.

Thanks!

Air

xox


	20. Haunting

Well... turns out there are several good reasons for this long delay.

The one you lovlies will be interested in the most is NOT the fact that I crashed a Porsche (IKR?) But rather that I have written the most ACE in the last month than I have in quite a while. As it turns out everything I wrote to be contained in this chapter kept feeling forced and rushed, but good...so I just bumped it forward.

And then I rewrote the chapter...again...feeling like I am rushing this HEA which does NOT do justice to Bella and all her very legitimate pain.

*Push forward*

You get the idea. I have, essentially, been writing backward...awesome, lol. But the good news is that the structure for the upcoming chapters are all there already and updates should be swift for a while.

*sigh*

Lets get on with it.

Air

~xox~

* * *

BPOV

I was so angry at myself for allowing him to affect me. He should not be permitted to manipulate or impose on my emotions…or lack there of. They should be none of his concern any longer. That was his choice. He didn't want me anymore. I had let him in two times too many in the past. I knew the pain of betrayal and abandonment, of placing my heart and my trust in someone's bare palm and having them hand it back and walk away.

But then he said no. No, he would not go away.

Despite my reservations, my instincts, somewhere in the hidden corner of my heart that I had tried to deny and drown for so long, something sparked. It was faint and quiet, and it flickered for only a moment before I stifled it. But it was enough to reach my toes and fingertips – to fill them with something hot and aching. It prickled my scalp and arrested my breathing. I hated myself for it.

My eyes were that of a frantic, trapped creature sensing its own demise as they darted around him. They danced quickly over every surface except Edward, never settling, avoiding. He stood patient and quiet. If I had dedicated any thought to the matter, I would have realised how hard he was trying. It was highly uncharacteristic for Edward, especially where I was concerned, to demonstrate such patience. He usually gave in to his frustrations at not being able to hear me. However, I did _not_ allocate any thought to the matter. I was too preoccupied deciphering my own chaos to try and gauge his. He was his own concern. Not mine.

Finally, a low rumble rolled through his chest. It pulled me from my focus and my eyes automatically sought his. His face registered a soft, apologetic look.

"Sorry," he whispered, only briefly holding my gaze before looking down between us. "I didn't mean to do that."

_When did he get so close?_

I stood there staring at him. I felt his breath caress my lips and cheeks he was so near. It took a heavy amount of concentration to fight back against all the things that were trying to surface. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't want to feel...anything. I didn't want to be slave to my emotions any longer. My heart no longer beat and my blood was stilled. I breathed for no one but myself. Never again did I want to feel the unease of being tied so thoroughly to another soul. I liked being numb. In my experience, feeling had no benefit and a great many drawbacks. All happiness was fleeting-temporary pockets of joy that would burst and float away leaving me raw and exposed – the perfect prey for the depression to feast upon.

No.

Numb was far superior. And so I stared. With dead eyes that I knew were glowing crimson through the black air between us. I knew the dull streetlights would hit my face enough to light them on fire. _A reminder._ Everything I no longer was and had no intention of becoming ever again. I had never seen my red eyes myself. I just knew that given my recent sustenance, they would be. All the vampires that were allowed on the loft had the same vibrant, glowing eyes. They were pools of murder. Constant reminders of our sins. Mine were not exempt.

I continued to ignore everything. The emotions that were surfacing, the warm current that fought for attention inside me, and most of all, the sad, pleading, longing behind Edward's caramel eyes. They screamed out his purity and morality at me.

I didn't want it. Any of it. And he couldn't force it on me.

I had wanted it once. I wanted all of it – all of _him_. Once upon a time, I begged and cried with my arms flung around his neck. I offered him all of myself in exchange for a long and happy life together. Our forever. All I wanted was him. His smile, his laugh, his eyes upon mine, his hands on my skin. I was willing to leave behind everyone and everything for him.

I lived for him. It was not enough. I begged to die for him. He left.

I died anyway and now I was alone. All of it was his choice. Never, not once, had I been granted my own choice in my fate. But no one could deny me that licence ever again.

I was done with that life. I would rather be numb and forgotten than return and be hurt all over again. Each betrayal took its toll on my mind and on my body. I simply wouldn't survive a third attack.

His eyes bore into mine.

They had a fire burning behind them, something I was lacking. I didn't know what to say or do. I was trying to cage and explore my emotions simultaneously. I had become a master at suppressing them. I stowed away my thoughts, feelings, and any errant hopes or dreams in a tight little box that I hid somewhere inside myself. I refused to show it to anyone or even open it in private. As far as I was concerned, it did not exist.

But now, with Edward standing inches from me, with my wrist still outlined in a circle of fire where his long fingers had held me, almost painfully tight as if he was trying to absorb me, I was forced to pry the lid open. I needed to wade through it and understand it all so I could better cope with the situation that I did not wish for or have the courage to dream for, yet was standing before me all the same. It was all happening too fast. I needed to move – to walk away and go back to my loft. I needed to find a way to silence the torrent in my mind and my heart.

Just ten minutes before, Edward's name was banished to the dark place, along with my memories of him and his scent and the sweet way his eyes had of penetrating mine and cradling them while he looked at me, and truly, _truly _saw me. Just ten minutes ago, he was lost. I was lost. I was…

_Oh God._

I swallowed thickly at the thought of what Edward must have seen up on that landing before I realised he was there. The thoughts he heard and the visions that he would not soon forget. I wiped the corners of my mouth with my thumb and forefinger, and then flattened my palms over my dress, smoothing it down in case it was awry – as if I could just brush away the traces of Viktor on my body so easily.

All the while, I continued to look into his eyes. The action felt almost aggressive, no matter how outwardly innocent it appeared. I knew he would interpret whatever it was he did see with Viktor as a betrayal, which selfishly, I enjoyed. After all…he played that card first.

He hurt me. He left me. He chose a life without me. He did this. Not me.

I needed to remember why I hurt so badly. I needed to know the source, the reason, the depth. I snarled as my mind raced ahead through things that I had worked so hard to suppress; I became aggravated at my lack of control. That was precisely why I needed him to leave. Already my barriers were slipping. The lid of the black box had been ripped open and the pain was swimming around my head, poking and pinching me. Even the mere fact that I was feeling a perverse sense of pleasure at his obvious pain was a sign that he was affecting me.

He _needed_ to leave.

Nothing he could say or do could change the things that had already been done – the countless ways he and his family had deceived me. The pain of betrayal ran too deep. It was unreachable and irrevocable. It would forever be a part of me – a cavernous well of pain that I would have to carry with me for eternity.

The angry threat continued to rumble out of me. My teeth were barred and my feral eyes flashed with all the violence I could muster. Edward didn't so much as flinch. Instead, his eyes bore silently into mine. He licked his lips slowly, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly as if he intended to say something but decided against it. He remained silent.

I had enough fun for one night. I turned and walked away. I moved at a calm human gait, knowing somewhere in the back of my brain that was working on autopilot how torturous it would be for him to have to stand there and watch me reject him. Slowly.

As I suspected, he whispered a painfully broken syllable into the silent night. It echoed back and forth between the alley walls, and it circled around my head just as it had the last time he said it.

"No."

It tried to pull at me, to make me feel _something, _anything. It begged and cried, throwing itself at my feet. I mentally kicked at the plea and kept walking.

I kept walking when I heard the strangled cry in his throat, and I kept walking when he began chanting the word "please" under his breath. I walked away when my name played at his lips, and I didn't stop when he begged me to just listen to him. His sentences began stuttering, dying before they had meaning.

"Bella, please? I can't… I don't know… Wait! Just please… Let me… Please, don't do this."

His desperation was palpable. It poked annoyingly on the periphery of my resolve.

_One foot in front of the other. Hold on. Just. . . hold on. _

Then he moved. He snapped. He felt everything slipping through his long, cold fingers. One thing Edward had always hated was not being in control. I knew instinctively that he would lose it somehow. I figured as I walked away and refused to entertain him any longer that he would try to stop me physically. I knew that after everything he had apparently fought through to locate me, he was not likely to allow me to shrug him off and slouch away back up to my pedestal, no matter how badly I wanted to. I was ready for it. The vampire in me waited until he pounced, anticipating the attack, teeth barred and muscles tensed.

As I approached the end of the alley, the muted yellow streetlamp cast an eerie ring of light around the street, and suddenly he was in front of me. Like a ghost on the wind, one second there was nothing but cobblestone and stone walls, and the next strong fingers pinched my forearms halting my movements. Frenzied eyes twitched and bore into mine.

The shriek was a knee-jerk reaction. I couldn't contain it no matter how much I anticipated him grabbing me. He was so quick and had a hold of me before I realised he was moving. And so a high-pitched, strangled sound instinctively came out of me. It was my only reaction. Outwardly. Inwardly.

Edward's fingers slipped around my forearms. They squeezed until I stopped. I stared at my feet, determined not to look into his pleading puppy dog eyes. A titanic roar emanated from around the bend in the road.

Despite my intentions, the anticipation of what was sure to unfold in the next few moments lifted my eyes from the toes of my boots to the pools of honey in front of me. He heard the howl as it approached but was obviously inside Viktor's head and monitoring his pace. Edward chose to stay locked on my eyes in the brief moment before impact.

They seared into me. I plead with myself to tear away from his gaze, but I couldn't find the strength. For several slow seconds we were connected again. A lifetime of information and emotion passed between the two of us through our eyes. Edward's seemed to beg and promise anything. I knew mine were empty, which spoke volumes.

I finally broke away from Edward's eyes after what felt like an eternity but what was, in reality, less than three seconds. I looked up to see two large palms land on the top of the orange dumpster. Marble claws met rusty metal, and the screech wavered through the air and spun through my ear canals. It made me dizzy.

Viktor's back feet landed on the top of the dumpster between his outstretched arms, palms flat against the surface, denting it as it screeched in protest against his force. He spent all of half a second in a fight crouch before launching toward us.

I watched over Edward's shoulder. I glanced back to his eyes. He knew what was coming. He watched the scene in real-time as it happened behind him, seeing his own back through the eyes of others.

Loud footfalls beat against the asphalt. Roars and commands swirled in the stagnant air. Edward refused to break my gaze. One last plea before his attention would be otherwise engaged.

I blinked slowly. The black curtain of my eyelids dropping down before me, cutting off my vision as Viktor flung through the air. He pushed off his planted feet with all his strength, leaving the twisted heap of orange metal behind him. His arms were outstretched menacingly, fingers curled and reached for Edward's back. I blacked it out.

There was a loud crack like thunder as marble bodies collided. Roars, growls, and every feral fighting noise an immortal body could make swirled around my head in the black air. I heard clothing rip and tear. Multiple deep voices that I recognized bellowed out battle commands.

Everything was a blur. Anger met desperation. Males battled for dominance over what precisely, I wasn't sure. Me? Pride, territory, loyalty, obligation? Motivations were unclear. The only thing that was blindingly obvious was the terribly numb girl without a hope in the world slinking off into the night, impervious to everything that was being waged at her feet.

My shoulder was brusquely bumped into as bodies pushed past me. Still, my eyes were closed. A loud roar in a velvet-laden voice cried out in protest. I tried to ignore the idea that he was protesting on my behalf and not at his own attack.

I flew through the air several feet until my hard body crashed into the stone wall. I was curled into myself trying to spin and land on my feet before I hit. Unfortunately, with my eyes closed tight, a desperate attempt to refuse any emotional reaction that watching the battle may elicit, I misjudged the distance between where I was standing and the edge of the alley. My curved back hit first just below my neck and I dropped heavily to my knees and belly.

The impact was firm. It rattled my brain and forced all the air out of my lungs in a rather sick-sounding whoosh. A smooth voice wrought with pain of various varieties sliced through the air.

"Bella!"

And then a growl, so much louder and more painful than any that had been released before, escaped him. It was followed by a crash and roar.

I didn't care. I opened my eyes and righted myself with a steady palm against the cold stone wall. It felt warm under my icy touch. For a moment I was mesmerized by my own fingers as they splayed out against the grey wall and I pushed myself upright. They were short but thin, childlike except for the slate-grey nail polish. I realised that I was staring at them as a delay tactic.

Viktor and his team had Edward and Emmett pinned. Edward was muttering something under his breath that sounded like an admonishment of Viktor.

"...claim you love... Love is gentle...doest hurt..."

Despite myself, I scoffed at the few words I was able to pick up.

I was aware that had Edward not spent his last few seconds silently pleading with me he would have easily been able to take the assailants. As it was, both Edward and Emmett had several vampires on them, holding them and snarling threats in their faces, digging nails into marble skin more firmly than necessary considering neither Cullen appeared to be fighting back in earnest.

Emmett roared and kicked a minion as he held him with a foot in his thigh, but Edward growled at him to relent. So despite his bulk and ability, Emmett gave up. It appeared that Edward had only thrashed against his restraints when I was tossed against the wall.

I ground my back molars together, my fingers clenched and unclenched a few times, and I swallowed back the venom as it seeped freely into my mouth – an innate immortal reaction to the battle in such close proximity. But it was not my battle. It had nothing to do with me, even if it had everything to do with me. _Me _was subjective. Edward and Viktor were fighting over two different versions of me, neither of which existed in reality. Neither should win. There would be no prize.

I found myself sweeping my eyes one last time over the jumble. The action startled me. If I still had functioning glands they would have shot adrenaline through my entire body. My fight or flight instincts would have been ignited, and I would have been faced with a decision. An enormous decision.

Fight? _For who?_

Flight? _This is an option I am all too familiar with. _There was a certain comfort in the familiarity of fleeing.

I walked away. I _had _to.

My mind clamped down protectively and shut out all sound. I heard nothing but the whistle of air moving through my ears as I fled.

I stopped after two steps for less than a minute. Edward lay on his belly with Viktor's knee at the back of his neck, while his fingers gripped his chin and hair. Viktor exerted no force as Edward lay limp, his eyes burning into mine. There were two of Vik's men at each of Edward's feet, crouched on the cobblestone and holding onto Edward, ready to rip him limb from limb if the order was given.

Emmett's eyes were glued to Edward's, trying to read him as Edward, no doubt, studied every thought he could hear. The fact that he did not seem to be fighting back must have caused his brother to do the same as he continued to sit in a resentful surrender. He loved fighting. He loathed laying down during a battle. Yet he did as his brother instructed him to and was still.

Emmett was still Emmett, however, and so as he sat motionless he snarled, his lips raised over his teeth, exposing them. His forefingers drummed steadily against the side of his thighs, and his eyes bore into each adversary with distinct threat. Before I could stop myself, I briefly wondered if Emmett's resistance had anything to do with me at all, or if he was merely enraged at the idea of relenting.

I also noticed that Edward's fingers and lips were still.

For the very brief almost-second that my eyes met Edward's, he pled. In the blink of an eye, countless emotions flew across his features and swam in his eyes. I read them perfectly. He begged me to stay, to instruct the males to back off. He wanted me to stop acting defensively and listen to him. I had never been good at doing what I was told. I had no interest in remaining in the alley any longer. It was not my fault that I knew him so well, that despite my efforts he could communicate so much to me in such a small second in time.

It was not my fault...and my feet were already in motion.

I paused and put my hand flat against Viktor's chest to get him to look at me. I could feel Edward's eye bouncing between mine and my hand with an ill-concealed panic and rage. Had I not had such a tight lockdown on my other senses in a last ditch effort to stop my protective walls from crumbling around me, I would have heard the snarl rolling through Edward's chest cavity. But I didn't.

Viktor's eyes met mine, his knee still in Edward's back, his fingers holding his head still with twisted locks of hair. I leaned in toward Vik's ear, ignoring the electrical current lapping at my thigh as it brushed against the side of Edward's head.

"Don't hurt them," I demanded quietly, my lips touching the shell of his ear briefly. I didn't look for Vik's eyes to see his reaction to my order, nor did I stick around after I spoke. I was confident my request would be honoured.

I didn't want to love Edward. I didn't want to...

But neither did I wish to see him or Emmett destroyed over me. What a stupid, senseless fight. They should all realise they are fighting over absolutely nothing and go their separate ways. Perhaps it was a male thing. Whatever it was, it was behind me. I left the growls and threats laced with swear words and eyes that ached of betrayal in the narrow alleyway.

The black well of stairs with the flickering red sign came into view. I closed my eyes and ran the rest of the way by memory. As fast as I was, I needed to move faster. I wanted to leave it all behind me, away from me, separate from me. It needed to go away and not exist.

The closest I could get to oblivion was the loft, and so I sought it out hungrily. It was the only thing that stabilized me when the outer world tried to force me from my shell. I had no interest in existing outside of it and nothing was going to change that. Nothing could make me care enough to put forth the effort to revive myself. I was happy being dead. After all, I'd had a funeral.

There was no body, of course. But the event took place. I was celebrated and a gravestone was erected. My family and friends gathered. They wept and gave speeches that I didn't deserve.

_I should know…I was there, _I couldn't help recalling as I pushed forward_._

"_Even death can be viewed in a positive manner. I urge you all to do as I have done and find a shred of comfort in the words of Henry Scott Holland, whose outlook on death is comforting. He said, 'Death is nothing at all – I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Laugh as we always laughed. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be spoken without the ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant...there is unbroken continuity. What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you somewhere near just around the corner. All is well.' _

"_And so with Holland's words on our mind, and in our hearts, Bella, we shall miss you and speak freely to you as if you were still here. You will always be our friend and daughter. You are loved and we shall see you again someday. Until then, peace be with you."_

Jessica. The entire thing would have been laughable in its irony if it wasn't so painful in so many different ways. They had no idea just how close I, in fact, was.

My parents were inconsolable beyond words. Billy, Jacob and the rest of the Quileute pack were situated around the perimeter of the mourners. All but Billy stood, heads bowed, hands respectfully clasped in front of them. Occasionally, Jacob's eye would twitch and his breathing would rapidly accelerate. I would not have noticed if I wasn't studying him so hard...anticipating. It did not escape my notice that the pack's positioning was protective.

They knew I was nearby.

Jessica Stanley had not known me long enough to feel the weight of her own words. Nor was it in her nature to care that much for another human being. When she spoke, her words were hollow, yet executed with the proper emotional inflection in just the right spots and recited with the precision of a perfectionist. However...she had no idea how true they rang.

My death _was _nothing. I _was_ close. But I wasn't "waiting" anywhere for anyone the way she promised. I would never see any of my loved ones ever again. I was trapped forever inside the confines of immortality. The words "negligible accident" were a crude mockery. My entire existence was an negligible accident. I should have never been born – I served no purpose. I should have never died – it was for nothing.

My funeral was one year to the day that I went missing. Collin and Jennifer came with me. We never entered the city of Forks. We stood on the edge of a cliff far outside the city limits. We were nowhere near Quileute territory and far from the open field where those who loved me believed they were sending my spirit off to rest peacefully.

Instead, I was perched on a rock above them. I leaned forward, balancing on my fingertips while I spied through the trees into the cemetery where the service was held.

For reasons the humans misinterpreted, no body was ever found. However, enough blood and shreds of clothing were left in the meadow that a year after the incident they had felt it necessary to gather formally and pray for my soul's peace.

It was by pure chance that we stumbled upon the service. The universe hated me, and I was beginning to believe that somewhere there was a puppet master who smiled every time I faced horrendous adversities – the type that should not exist in reality. The type where my life was bartered at the hands of a mythical creature and I was chased from my existence and home by another. The type where my body froze in time and my heart somehow managed to continue bleeding, but in new ways. The kind where my soul, real or imagined, wept inside me.

I had begged my coven leaders and newly acquainted friends while dipping into Northern Washington on a hunting expedition to be allowed to drift a little further south. I was still grappling with the intensity of my new, precise mind, and for days I had not been able to escape the single thought that dominated the space in my head. I knew it had been a year since I met Laurent in the meadow. And I knew that I needed to return to gain some closure. Forever was going to be a long time.

My friends, sympathetic yet weary of my neophyte control, agreed but accompanied me so they could babysit. They crouched next to me when I stopped dead in my tracks on the edge of the cliff, hearing my name spoken reverently in eulogy.

Immediately, four arms wrapped around my body tightly, whether out of sympathy or restraint I never took the time to discover. And they stood with me when I suddenly leapt to my feet having had enough and fled like the wind, vowing never to return. A vow I ended up breaking, as it turned out.

The words spoken on that day, the sobs and pain, were all avoidable had I never met Edward. And still, despite everything, I could never bring myself to regret meeting Edward and the rest of his family. Nor could I bring myself to truly feel happy in my new fate. I just…_was. _

Until I was betrayed a second time. After that, I felt regret. After that, I felt devastated. After that, I felt a dam burst and drown me with my own suppressed emotions until I was determined to release them all and never let them return.

After _that…_I felt nothing. And that was the way I planned to carry out the remainder of my eternal sentence. Swimming around in a pool of nothingness.

The walls could be prodded and the lid on the box could be wrestled with, but never again was I going to lay down and allow myself to be trampled or forsaken. And so I ran again.

It was a very short distance, especially at vampire-speed, back to the entrance of the club. My feet moved, my mind splintered off in a thousand different directions, recalling things I wished I could forget without my trying, and I grumbled quietly to myself.

It was easy, especially with such rampant thoughts, to keep the sounds from down the street from permeating my awareness. The last thing I needed as I struggled to return to my numb state was to hear battle cries or my name on anyone's lips for any reason. Thus, the memories played against a black backdrop of an eerie silence as I pushed open the heavy black door to the club.

My haven was so close I could taste it. The familiar stagnant air of the club welcomed me. The scent of stale liquor, dirty washrags, and sex had come to be comforting. It meant that I could check-out. It meant that I could sit and forget without slipping back into my previous self-destructive ways. It meant I was safe and cared for.

My boots had just barely hit the bottom of the stairs when I stopped and spun around, the dark room twisting into a blur around me. I lowered myself to a fight crouch as my body registered a threat behind me before my mind formalized the thought. Sound returned in a chaotic wave as I lost my grasp on all the compartments in my mind.

I blinked and saw one of Viktor's men in the doorway, the red light casting odd shadows across his features. I stood and tilted my head to the side, waiting. I traced the shadows against his features with lazy eyes and slowly straightened out my skirt. None of Viktor's men would dare lay a finger on me. The truth was that I frightened them.

I was an unknown factor that had quickly cozied in at the upper echelon of coven-rank, even if I hadn't meant to. Never before had Viktor taken in a friend, a lover, or a mate. Never before had he shown so much kindness or affection. Not only did he respect and confide in me, but he also sought my opinion…whether I had any or not. But to the other immortals in the club, I was an outlander and an invader. I was a wild card from an unknown origin and with an unknown intent. I was dangerous.

The fact that I adamantly refused to disclose any information about myself beyond the basics was only fuel for their suspicion. It was what they did. They protected their coven leader. They never trusted me, but they showed me respect, or they would have had hell to pay…meaning destruction.

"Viktor wanted me to make sure you're okay," he explained in a detached voice without looking at me.

"Tell him I'm fine. He worries too much." My own voice was empty and familiar.

I turned and climbed the stairs slowly, subconsciously counting them as I passed each one. One. . . five. . . seven. . .

Somewhere around the eighteenth step my mind surrendered to the way it had always been when on my pedestal. My feet moved mechanically. I shuffled along the black metal railing and stood in front of my couch, leaning gently into it. The velvet pressed again my calves, and through my stockings I could feel the slightly rough texture on my marble skin. I licked my lips and ran my the tip of my tongue against the front of my teeth slowly, feeling the rise and fall of each of my razor sharp weapons. It had been a long time since they sank into some flesh. My throat burned, but I was so accustomed to it that I no longer felt it.

My lids grew heavy and my eyes blurred over. The corners of my mouth raised minutely in a sinister semi-smile. I could almost feel the anaesthetic blanket as it wrapped its arms lovingly around me so I could drift away peacefully.

I turned to look out over the railing. The minion was gone, the door was shut, and the buzz of the sign was the loudest sound in my ears. I sunk down into the plush velvet and laid my head against the back. Inside my boots I wiggled my toes and then stretched my legs out straight in front of me, the tip of my boots meeting the metal railing at the edge of the landing. Everything was back to normal.

Oblivion felt warm and nice. I welcomed it. I sighed lightly and closed my eyes, happy to be lost again.

Until…I realised there was something whispering behind the darkness of my closed eyes, silently calling to me.

I snapped my eyes open and growled loudly into the nothingness that was the empty club. The sound echoed against the walls and rang in my ears in time with the chaotic lights that no one had bothered to turn out.

The smile slipped from my face and was replaced with two lips pressed together in a firm white line as the panic began to creep in. Even my pedestal was no longer safe.

_Damn those eyes._

It had always been the eyes. Right from the beginning it was them that drew me in. They held mysteries and promises. Threats and secrets. They had frightened me and intrigued me right from the beginning.

I hid from them when they stared at me with black ire. I dreamed of them when they returned, soft and the colour of warm butterscotch. I longed for them when they protected me and told me how much they loved me. I fought for decades to forget them after they stared with hollow blankness and told me I was not good enough.

And there they were again, right outside my door, permeating my peace and solitude. They were fighting to haunt me yet again. I couldn't allow them to, and I couldn't care how much pain or promise they held. It was that simple.

I just _couldn't_ care.

* * *

Closer...

~xox~


	21. Stay

Ohai, remember me?

Thank you for sticking with me through all of this. The resolution is so close we can taste it by the end of this chapter. But first...

Have you ever just been so mad, so hurt, so confused that you have no idea what to do with yourself?

Stay.

* * *

BPOV

Human memories were usually dark and murky. They came in sudden spurts, triggered by something random. They were difficult to make sense of or wade through. One would have to _try _to look through the mud to recall the details of their human life. I rarely tried.

Yet somehow, with brilliant precision, my mind drifted as I sat on my pedestal and stared at the black wall with the bouncing lights on the far side of the club.

_My mother picked me up from school. It was a half day for some reason that I didn't care to recognise. Perhaps it was a holiday. She talked a million miles a minute as usual as she drove toward home in the old Jeep with the top down. I stared out the rolled down window as the warm, dry air wrapped around me and swirled my hair in every direction. _

_Mom was excited about something, too excited to notice that I wasn't paying any attention. It wasn't her fault. I think I was about thirteen. The brilliant sun cast a dull glow around everything as it blurred images in streaks of yellow with its brightness. On the horizon, as far as I could see, were brown and red tinged foothills with the occasional smear of dusty blue in the sky. Arizona was beautiful and brown and dull and fabulous all at the same time. I wanted to leap over the door of the Jeep and run to the edge of the horizon. I fantasized about running so fast no one could see me. _

_It wasn't that I was an unhappy kid. I was just always too old and too wise for my own good. The "middle-aged child" as my mother always joked. The joke was funny and everyone always laughed and agreed, but it also carried a hint of sadness behind it. Because it was very true. _

_My mind did not belong with my body. I was always somewhere else. I didn't have many friends and none very close. It wasn't that I was disliked in school, I just…wasn't noticed. Luckily for me, it was a large school, and I happily faded into the background. It was the reason that my mother always picked me up from school, I loathed riding on the school bus. It was an antisocialist person's nightmare. _

_We drifted into the residential area, and tawny foothills gave way to pink stucco and lava rocks. I still wished I could run._

_And then, years later, I met Edward. Immediately, I was both frightened and intrigued. Connected. _

_We sat sprawled out on his living room floor one afternoon as he helped me with my Trigonometry homework. Or…tried to. I hated math. It was obvious. _

_Edward was patient and kind. In the kitchen, Esme was cooking something that smelled delicious – a meal that only I would eat. She was happy to do it. _

_Emmett lay flat on the sofa beside me shouting at a plasma television as the Seahawks fumbled the ball. Occasionally, he would reach over without looking and muss up my hair or nudge me with his foot in my shoulder. He was like the big brother I never had._

_When I slammed my book shut and shoved it aside growling, amateur compared to my surrounding company, Edward just nodded and grabbed my hand. We stood and he led me out the front door, where he gracefully flung me on his back and tore off through the trees. He leapt over the river that cut across the Cullens' backyard and the trees blurred green and brown beside me. I had learned to stare forward to avoid the motion sickness and enjoyed the invigorating sensation of flying across the ground. Finally. Running so fast that to the world around me I did not exist. _

_He kissed me passionately and gently as he balanced me on a rock in front of him. Later, he explained that Alice had been upstairs sending him images of me throwing my Trig book across the room and bursting into tears. Very unlike me, but math did that sometimes. She warned Edward to get me out of there before I became too upset or managed to hurt myself somehow in the worst company possible. She was watching out for me. _

_Edward's world was what I had always longed for in more ways than one. At its simplest, it gave me the large, attentive family I had never experienced. Yet deeper, it fulfilled so much more in me – gaping, festering holes in my existence that I had always been aware of yet couldn't quite put my finger on. His world gave me the ability to run, to disappear, to be free – belonging and escaping all at once. I knew, right from the beginning, that it was where I was made to be. And as I sat on that rock with my lips moving against Edward's, whispering between kisses that I wanted to become like him, I knew that what I was asking for was true. I felt the truth in my bones. His world was my world. I belonged there._

I blinked for the first time in hours. One firm blink to try and drive the memories from my head. It didn't make sense that they should be so clear, that I should remember the orange glow on the back of my eyelids and the urge to run as if I were experiencing it first-hand all over again. The velvet feel of Edwards lips gliding slow and gentle over mine. The feeling of safety and acceptance. His breath against my skin and the smell of damp moss and pine trees mingling with sweet, sugary Edward.

I was trapped inside the memories. Years of stifling everything, and suddenly it was literally flooding my senses. I couldn't escape. The memories were real, they were vivid, and they were unaltered. I experienced them as if I was there again, everything exactly as it was the first time.

I was confused. I was even scared. Yet, somewhere deep inside myself, I knew there had to be a reason I recalled those memories so clearly. They had significance. Urgency. They needed addressing. I had decisions to make, that much was obvious.

Edward was seated atop a dumpster in the back alley where he had been banished. It was part of the arrangement he and Viktor came to after I ran away the night he showed up, throwing my numb, beautiful little world into a tailspin of anguish and emotion – emotion I had hoped would never again see the light of day. Hoped in vain…apparently.

When I ran back to the club, Viktor and his minions released Edward and Emmett at my request to stand on their own two feet. They stayed momentarily at the mouth of the alleyway within earshot of the club if I was so inclined to try and listen. Even if I didn't try, my subconscious heard everything – because it was a romantic traitor and it _wanted_ to hear it all.

Vik knew he had them outnumbered but took confidence from their submission that the Cullens would not try anything violent. The next six hours were spent discussing logistics, at times explosively when Emmett and Vik's overzealous followers butted heads, but the end result was an accordance that both parties agreed to.

Viktor professed his love for me. He admitted to the Cullens that he wasn't sure how I felt about him but that he believed me incapable of any sort of affection beyond submissive amiability. At which point, I recognised a very distinct rumble, low and velvety, and I knew Edward wasn't a big fan of the image Viktor was painting – both aloud and the silent movie reel that surely accompanied his words.

Edward politely begged to differ, professing his own love but in a way that he claimed Viktor had no way of appreciating. He declared that not only did I belong to him but him to me. When he used the word "mate," Viktor nearly forewent the truce and sunk his claws into Edward. From what I could discern from my place on the couch, Edward had been slammed against the alley wall while Viktor snarled in his face. There was a scuffle and a lot of growling, and I had to physically curl my fingers around the arms of the plush couch, digging them in and puncturing the fabric, in order to restrain myself from running to see what was happening. Despite my intentions, I was worried. But not for everyone. That fact bothered me.

Edward's quiet resolution must have played right into Viktor's biggest fears about me. I _was_ running from someone, not something. I belonged somewhere else and my previous life had come to claim me at last. There was someone out there who knew me, the real me, the deep, dark, hidden, precious me that Vik had only scratched the surface of. I knew this revelation would shatter him.

I had never even corrected Viktor's misuse of my name. I simply hadn't cared enough to bother. Edward threw it in his face after hours of exasperation.

"For the record," he snarled, "her name is Isabella Marie Swan, not Isobel. I have known her and revered her since she was a human. She was turned because of me. I tried to protect her and I failed. I failed her…

"She is my mate. She is the only thing gracious and worthy enough to anchor my monstrous soul to this planet. And if she ever grants me an audience with her again, I will spend an eternity kneeling before her declaring this truth.

"As it is, she is confused. I am here to rectify that. If she'll have me."

Edward's obvious sincerity sent Viktor into a rage. He stormed away leaving the Cullens to be babysat by his men. He disappeared for an entire day. When he finally climbed the stairs to my loft again, his face was sombre. He sat on the floor at my feet and and stared at me for hours.

No words were spoken, and I tried my hardest to divert my gaze from his as it bore into me, trying in vain to break through my façade and understand me. I knew he was searching my face for any indication that what the man out in the alley had said was true – that I was his mate. If that was true, Viktor would have to relent. Immortals mated for life. There would be no competing with that.

I honestly had no idea if it was the truth or not. I was a human when Edward found me. Could a human mate for eternity and have it follow them into the afterlife, binding them as concretely as a true immortal pairing?

As my mind pondered ideas I wished it wouldn't but was powerless to stop, Viktor searched and searched. I gave nothing away. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, the edges of my calves burning where they met his knees as he sat cross-legged at my feet regarding me. His fingers trailed my skin through my tights.

Eventually, I tired of feeling his eyeballs drill into my eyelids, and the feeling of his touch was beginning to sicken me. I pulled my shades on and tried harder to shut him and everything else out of my mind.

After what felt like an eternity, he rose to his knees and leaned into me, his arms outstretched on either side of my head, pinning me in place. He leaned against the purple couch until his face was directly in front of mine. With one long finger he slowly pushed the nose of my glasses up until my shades were perched on top of my head. Returning his palm to the couch, he looked into my eyes until I felt the need to look away from the painful scrutiny. He licked his lips and brought one, soft hand to the side of my face and swept it down the back of my head, over my hair, and back again to cup my cheek.

"Isobel, look at me," he begged, his voice coarse and thick.

I refused, looking past him over his shoulder as humans began filing in for the night, completely oblivious of the vampire melodrama unravelling all around them.

"Apologies. Isabell_a_," he said a bit harsher, and so I looked. His intentional correction of my name seethed with resentment. "He hurt you." It wasn't a question. "He hurt you badly and that makes me want to hurt him, do you understand that? The only reason he and his companion still exist is because you asked me not to harm them."

I bristled at his harsh words, imaging Edward being harmed because of me. Despite myself, I didn't like the idea. My eyes widened, but before I could open my mouth to retort he placed a finger at my lips to silence me.

"You told me not to hurt them, and thus I will not. But he makes a great many claims that need to be addressed. It appears he is who you were running from, doesn't it? Obviously, you did not expect him to find you. Either you underestimated him or you simply do not feel as strongly for him as he does for you. So what I have to ask you is if his claims are valid. Are you his mate?"

My eyelids grew impossibly heavy. I closed them and fought back the question I wasn't ready to answer. When I reopened them I had no idea what reflected in their red depths, but whatever it was it both satisfied Viktor's curiosity and saddened his hopes. His face became crestfallen, and in a blur he leapt over the metal banister, oblivious of the human gasps, and was out the door before there inferior eyes registered that someone was moving across the dance floor.

Viktor ran straight to where the Cullens were being guarded as if they were criminals in a dark alley in the early hours of the new night in downtown Prague.

"It seems there is truth in what you claim," Viktor began, but abruptly cut himself off to growl out a warning at what I imagined was Edward's obvious excitement.

Edward must have calmed because Vik continued. "Regardless of that fact, if that is what it is, she still is not ready to approach you. Your visit here was unexpected, and I refuse to allow you to storm into my place of business and steal my girl without either of us having a say in it. Now, Isobel, or whatever you choose to call her, has made herself perfectly clear in her actions. She does not wish to meet with you at this time. As for myself, I selfishly hope she chooses to never meet with you, but I am at her mercy.

"She has willingly shown me very little of herself, but it is in all the little things I witness daily where she demonstrates what a truly remarkable creature she is. She is worth holding onto – something you are clearly incapable of. She is also worthy of great respect. It is for this reason, even though I loath to relinquish control, I will agree to leave this particular situation in her hands. If she wishes to entertain you ever again, then she shall. _When_ she is ready and not a moment sooner. I assume I am understood."

There was a very pregnant silence that stretched endlessly until Viktor once again disrupted it.

"Kalin, please show these two to the alley behind the Kofe Haus where they are free to wait until their dead hearts are content. And Kalin...make the perimeter clear to them. If they breach it uninvited, you are free to stop them in any way you see fit."

I had spent enough time in the club observing Viktor to appreciatee the acid and the threat in his tone. He had sent the Cullens a quarter of a mile out of town and beyond my hearing range. He established a perimeter around the club and authorized his guards to destroy them if they violated it. However, Viktor did not plan against Edward's gift, of which he knew nothing. It extended beyond the normal range of immortal hearing. He would be able to monitor me through Viktor and the others' thoughts when they were near me. I made a silent, mental note to guard my behaviour until I could get a handle on the onslaught of unwanted emotion I was facing.

That was three days ago.

In the meantime, I had not been able to hear anything of the comings or goings behind the café. My mind had become inexplicably invaded with memories that I thought I had long forgotten. My marble skin tingled with life, recalling Edward's fingers on it. And emotions stirred.

Despite myself, my overeager curiosity was beginning to get the better of me.

My shield barely existed. I had only just begun toying with the textured black areas of my mind that comprised the edges of my shield again. I had been too weak to use it since I was discovered near destruction by Viktor years ago. Nor did I ever have a use for it. It hadn't bothered me that I couldn't locate all of its parts in order to piece them together into something useable. But suddenly, I wished I hadn't allowed myself to grow so weak that I could not properly utilize my strongest defence mechanism.

It was there, somewhere in the periphery of my mind. I could feel it and sense it, but it had been so long since I tried to call on it that when I did, it was a struggle ending in my own defeat.

It aggravated me to no end. Go figure that I was a defective immortal.

I continued to practice, playing with the thick blanket while silently appearing aloof on my pedestal. I was determined to get the answers that my subconscious craved – if for no other reason than to finally quiet it so I would be allowed to drift away again.

Nevertheless, as I found myself staring back at Edward, I wished I could use it to gain some sort of insight into his mind. I desperately wanted to understand the hidden intentions behind his hunt. What was I to him?

_What __is he to me?_

I glowered into his annoyingly golden eyes – one of the things that had lured me to the alley three days after I ran from his almost-battle with Viktor. Those eyes permeated even my most determined quiet – the numbness that I tried to fruitlessly to regain.

Therefore, I hoped to make the best of the fact that I was once again standing like a fool before him by scouring his mind to learn the things I needed to know to gain my closure. His reasons, his past, his betrayal – all the things I did not _want _to know, but needed to.

The very fact that I cared was maddening. It was just another example of more barriers breaking down. So I glowered at him.

I held his gaze while I fumbled around in the dusty crevices of my mind. It was a vast open space, and somewhere in there was my complete shield and my knowledge of how to use it. I felt around until I found the old familiar strings that bound it and pulled them into my grasp. It was a tenuous hold at best. I clutched them and moulded the edges of the device, and then fought to extend it. I pushed.

It exhausted me instantly, which was no small feat for an immortal.

Inches in front of me, Edward's eyes widened minutely before recovering as he watched me. I tried not to grant any outward signs that I was attempting to manipulate my shield to steal his thoughts, but perhaps it was obvious. At any rate, it recoiled on me in a flash and was gone. I didn't have the strength to try again.

His eyes closed. Slowly. They looked heavy and hard to control. He pulled them down and shut out my window into him. I tried not to care. He licked his lips, dragging his tongue slowly across them as he regarded me and then sighed heavily. His warm, sweet breath blew against my face, reminding me of my resurfaced memories. It met my lips and involuntarily, my tongue peeked out and swept across them to taste. I was glad his eyes were shut so he didn't see.

I was losing myself. Well...I was losing the already _lost_ version of myself that I had become. The self that was so far gone it couldn't hurt any longer – the self that had finally found some form of self-preservation.

With his eyes still closed, he spoke, his words quiet and heavy in a voice that rang in my ears in a comforting and familiar tone that I tried my hardest to deny. "I deserve it, I know that."

I snarled and pressed my lips together in annoyance. I had ventured off my pedestal to come out and tell him to give up and go home...and maybe to try, after three days of toying with my shield, to steal his thoughts. But that was it. I most certainly had _not _come out to have some sort of deep, meaningful conversation, let alone to hear his confession. I couldn't care less what he had to say. Or at least…that was what I was trying to convince myself, and that was definitely what I was trying to convey to _him. _

"What do you deserve?" I spat back at him immediately. Before the words were even out of my mouth I was silently admonishing myself for engaging him. It was too desperate of a question; it gave away the fact that I was beginning to care more than I was comfortable with.

His eyes opened but remained downcast at his feet. I was grateful. I already knew how dark and haunting they could be, I didn't need the physical reminder. I tried to look away, to study the rain as it dripped over the edge of the gutter at the end of the alley, to the headlights passing by on the main road as the black of the first morning hours enveloped them. I gazed as the wind blew a stray sheet of newspaper up off the ground in a lonely ballet of sorts as it pirouetted in the air before sweeping through the narrow alley and into the road. I watched everything in the long, uncomfortable silence before Edward spoke again. My eyes traced the line of cobblestone on the ground as he continued, his voice much lower and thicker than it was before.

"Everything. The pain, the loneliness, the agonizing hunt, finding you here, in this…" He sighed. "Like this." His hand fluttered in a nondescript blur through the air to indicate the night club and probably Viktor.

My eyes flew to his. "Are you kidding me? You do _not_ get to do that," I bit back at him. Something hot was building inside me, pressing against the walls of my skin, fighting to be unleashed. It had been so long since I entertained any feeling at all. The intensity of the many warring emotions thrashing inside me was almost enough to double me over. I wrapped my arms around myself and hugged tight, trying to hold together everything that felt like it was crumbling before I broke down in front of him. My toes twitched inside my boots. I wanted to run again.

_Damn him._

He lifted his eyes to mine. I tried to ignore the fire that spread through me at the connection. "Do what?" he asked sincerely.

"Don't make this about you. About _your_ pain and _your_ loss," I hissed, my finger jabbing violently at the air between us. "You brought everything on yourself, Edward. Everything. This time, last time, every time you hurt me. So don't you dare do that. You have no right. In fact…" I steeled myself. It was what I wanted. It had to be. I let the words tumble out of my mouth before I chickened out. "You have no right to even be here. So just go."

_There I said it. _

I doubted the words even as I tried to force them on him. Regardless, it was the only way I could think of. I looked away. I couldn't bear to carry the weight of his eyes as well as my own. It was too much. _Was_ it what I wanted? The doubt that swirled around in my head frustrated me. I hadn't thought about something as simple as my own wants in so long that I had a difficult time understanding the complexity of everything I was feeling.

I just wanted him to go and stop reminding me of everything I had lost. But I also wanted him to stay. I wanted to slam him against the wall and pummel him with my tiny fists until the tight pain inside my chest eased. I wanted to scream a million and one vicious things at him. I wanted to hurt him.

My look must have been ice cold. He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair but didn't step away. He was right in front of me. How or why we were so close was beyond me. We just were. Like gravity, we pulled forward as we fought, and before I knew it we were nose to nose. With every unnecessary breath, blink, sigh, and thought, we drifted closer.

"You're right. Of course you are. I'm sorry. I'm just so confused, and I have so much to say, Bella. I don't know where to begin or how to keep you here long enough to listen to it all. I can see you fighting the urge to run again. Please, Isabella, please don't. Please stay and listen to me," he begged. His eyes and wavering voice dripped with sincerity.

A rumble and some roars sounded from behind us. They echoed down the tight alleyway and into the stillness of the dark morning hours. A clang of something metal and a few dull thuds crashed loudly. I knew the noise was coming from the club.

When I approached minutes ago I passed Emmett and two other immortals I hadn't recognised as they slowly stalked off, allowing Edward and me the most privacy they could while still staying close enough to help if they were needed. Emmett had smiled widely at me, and I tried with everything I had to either ignore him completely or to shoot him a look that illustrated how pained I was. I think the corner of my mouth lifted anyway.

Instinctively, as the crashes continued, my eyes flew to Edward's, searching for understanding. He winced and fought not to look behind him. I could see it in the twitch of his left eye. His head was full, and I could tell he was struggling to ignore the distraction, whatever it was. He was trying to dedicate one-hundred percent of his attention to me. But, like riding a bike, reading every slight mannerism in Edward was so painfully innate in me that I didn't know how to deny it.

"It's okay," he whispered, waving his hand dismissively at his side and answering my silent question. "It's just Emmett and Viktor. They're outside the front door waiting. Viktor tried to follow you, and they're trying to assure him you'll be safe with me."

His voice was quiet and monotone as he recited the facts for me. It was hollow, and I felt a tinge of sadness at that.

"Are they okay-do I need to go over there?" I asked, hoping Vik wasn't trying to hurt Emmett. I couldn't bear anymore hurt. I guess a part of me still cared for the people I once considered to be my family.

"They're fine for now. I'll let you know." Edward's eyes seemed to soften minutely as he spoke. "Bella. You _are _safe with me."

I astutely ignored his declaration. I already knew Edward would never physically hurt me, which was what Viktor was concerned with. It was all the other kinds of pain that he was so easily able to inflict upon me, more so than anyone else I had ever known. Only someone who was that deeply rooted into your entire essence could create so much intolerable hurting.

"You can hear him, though? Vik, I mean," I said aloud, switching gears. I wasn't sure how I felt about the idea of Edward inside Viktor's head.

"Believe me, I'm trying not to," he muttered, scowling at the concrete, grinding a rock into gravel with his toe. It didn't escape me that his left hand curled into a tight fist against his thigh, and I wondered how much of the way I had spent the last several years Viktor had already given away. I was instantly grateful I had been so reserved about sharing anything deeply personal with him. Edward may know logistics, but he wouldn't have any insight into my emotional state.

I tried yet again to get to the reason I was outside in the first place. "You said you wanted me, Edward. Here I am. What exactly is it that you want from me?" I couldn't keep the venom out of my tone as I spat the words at him. I just wanted him to go away so I could stop giving a shit and go back to my pretty purple couch.

He inched closer to me, begging me with his eyes not to back away. I did anyway. The hurt that washed over him was palpable. I felt remorseful but couldn't take it back. We stood for a few minutes just staring at each other. I wanted desperately to hear into his mind.

My traitorous lower lip trembled as I fought back silent emotion. His eyes slid to it slowly and shifted instantly from hurt to comforting. He took a step to close the gap I had created between us, his eyes locked on mine. This time I stayed put and anxiously awaited his next move. I both hoped he wouldn't dare to touch me and longed to feel his fingers against my cold skin, the haunting memory of his touch still too fresh to be fully ignored.

In that immeasurable moment, I tried to reason with myself that allowing him in, even the tiniest bit, did not mean that I had to forget my pain or grant him enough room to hurt me more. Nor did I have to let him off easy by diluting the way I felt, if I ever decided to share it with him in the first place.

He stood inches from me again. The energy swirled between us, tickling the desperate surfaces of my skin and forcing me to stand as still as marble in self defence, locking down. Waiting. With a tiny, nearly imperceptible nod of his head, his hand reached up toward my face.

He kept his eyes glued to mine. They were warm pools of butterscotch. I cringed inwardly, wondering how red mine actually were. I knew it had been weeks since I had a single lick of blood – I hoped they were more black than red. No matter how indifferent I tried to remain, my entire essence wanted his approval. It was a war I had been fighting for decades within myself. Regardless of the outcome, I was afraid he would think less of me for my weaknesses.

Considering how quickly he was capable of moving, Edward's hand carried toward my cheek with such a deliberate slowness that it had to be borderline painful for him. It stopped just short of actually touching me, ghosting against the surface of my cheek, following the curve and dip of my neck toward my shoulder, lighting it on fire without making contact. He demonstrated his restraint and respect while still making it clear that he wanted to touch me. I made no move to indicate that I had a preference either way. If I had one, I wasn't sure yet which it was.

He sighed heavily and blinked slowly. I allowed my eyes to warm over to match his, hoping the action would ease the effect of their vibrancy. As much as I wanted to fight, I didn't actually want to inflict pain. It was a small sign that I knew he would interpret easily. He understood me well enough.

His tongue slowly crept out and wet his lips, preparing to say something. I watched with rapt attention, gripped by the small movement and how wet and soft his tongue looked for the second time in as many minutes. The memory of how it felt against mine – on my skin and in my mouth – called to me, reminding me of how he tasted and the simple things he was capable of. Like the ridiculous, walking contradiction that I was, I wanted it. I wanted to taste him and own him, but I didn't want him to have the same luxury with me. I wanted selfishly but was too wounded to give. I forced my eyes back to his in an attempt to stifle the unwelcome distraction before it could build to be too much inside me.

It was instinctual to want him. I had no idea how to help that. It was one of the things that made his nearness so precarious. It was why he should go.

"Bella." He said my name with such devotion, ardent and pure. It was equally distracting. I refused to react outwardly. "You said that I had no idea what I have done. While I disagree, I would like to hear it from you. What have I done to you, Bella? I need to know so I can understand how to begin to fix it."

"You think it's that simple?" I spat at him, angry at his arrogance. Angry at my crumbling walls. Angry at his disloyalty. Frustrated at the memories that wouldn't go away and at myself for caring at all...ever. The anger made my nostrils flare and teeth bare as I glowered at him.

"No," he whispered in a sombre voice, shaking his head lightly, not reacting to my anger, just my words. "I'm not that naïve, Bella, to think that I can show up unannounced and merrily drag you away. I know I've screwed up. I know I've hurt you. But I also know that you're standing there snarling at me because you're afraid that you don't mean your own words when you tell me to go away. And I know that neither of us has been entirely innocent in any of this. I'm hurt too. Don't think you are the only one who carries a heavy amount of pain around with you all the time.

"But I want you. More than I have ever wanted anything. It has never wavered from the day you broke through my mundane existence. My need for you has shifted from bloodlust to lust and back again, but never once has it let up. Never once have I wanted anything more or anyone but you. So please, tell me whatever it is you need to tell me so we can take the first step down this road. Please? Trust me enough to tell me. I know your words will hurt me, but I want them. I want every ounce of pain I've ever forced on you. I want to take it all back."

"No. I can't. Every time I trust you, you hurt me more." The words escaped through my mouth before I realised I was saying them. They were the truth. And he should know that I wasn't going to blindly grant him that power again. But still…I hadn't meant to say them.

He sighed and moved his hand from my face to scrub roughly over his features. "What is it that you want, Bella? I mean…" His words trailed off as he took a step back, shaking his head in frustration. He was nearly sobbing. He had always struggled with conveying his own emotions and having to work to earn insight into mine. He was so used to being handed everything silently – cheating, knowing what people were thinking and feeling without them offering it to him. I had never been so endlessly grateful that he was denied that luxury with me than I was in that moment. He didn't deserve to know the depths of my hurt.

He wanted to know what I wanted. Well so did I. How the hell was I supposed to know, to make any sense of everything? I said the only thing that I thought would help.

"Leave," I whispered. It would make everything easier. Then I could walk back into the club, climb the stairs again, sit on my couch and stare at the drunken humans with a numb mind and numb eyes. It would be like he never came back. The memories would find their way back into the box eventually.

I closed my eyes and shook my head to clear my mind. When I opened them and looked to where Edward had been standing, my eyes lowered. He had dropped to a crouch, balancing on the balls of his feet with his back to me, his elbows on his knees as he cradled his own head. His fingertips dug into his scalp through disarrayed tufts of bronze. His breathing was slow, regular, and loud. He was trying to calm himself.

I stared at his back as it expanded and retracted, thoroughly mesmerised by the movement. My arms felt suddenly empty at the sight of him curled into an aching, pain-filled ball at my feet.

I didn't say a word. I scoured my mind for that missing black box to shove the surfacing longings back into. I did want him to leave. I did. But at the same time…

He shook his head back and forth slowly. "Is that really what you want? You have said it too many times for me to assume it's just your pain talking. Do you want me to leave, Bella?" Thick, gravelly vocal chords struggled to crunch out the sound of words, all coated in pain. Hurt, heartache, fear, apprehension…

"Yes," I replied out of instinct, a vision of myself numb on my pedestal in my mind. Numb was easier. I was a coward.

He stood and turned to face me. Looking at me with troubled eyes, he studied me. After a long pause where his lips trembled but didn't produce any sound, he finally spoke aloud. "Then say it again. But I beg you to stop and think about it first. _Really_ think about it, Bella. I'm right here. I won't leave unless you command me away one more time. Otherwise, I will do whatever it takes to fix this. I have forever to make you appreciate everything that you are to me. I can be patient." The corner of his lip turned up in a hint of his old, familiar smile. He shrugged. "Well…for you, I can _try_ to be patient. I will be. But you have to grant me that opportunity. So I won't ask again. Isabella, do you want me to leave and never return?"

I tried. I tried to take the easy way out. If I told him yes then he would go and I could retreat back into myself where the pain couldn't find me. It was the entire reason that I came outside to begin with. I tried to make my mind form the words that would make him disappear forever. I tried to drag them across my tongue. But I couldn't. So I stood there with a tortured look on my face as I winced and choked on my own conflicting desires.

Possibly misinterpreting my silence, he nodded and hung his head. He sighed and slowly turned, taking a few steps away from me. Leaving.

In that split second, as he slowly began to drift away from me, elongating the ever-present gap between us, I panicked. A surge of urgency coursed through me. It was like an adrenaline rush of need and want – pain and pleasure, panic and peace, familiarity and fear of the unknown. It was everything good and bad all moulded into one sensation, and it came down on me like a tidal wave. It ebbed away from me and toward him, trying like the tide to pull me with it. I had to act quickly or the moment would be gone, and I would be forced to live for an eternity with the results of my indecision. I had to surrender…momentarily. I could always take it back, but if he left then that would be the end of it.

I didn't understand much of the flood of new-old emotions that played at my core. I wasn't sure of anything. I just knew I wanted him to stop moving. I guess that was enough for the time being.

"Wait," I cried. My voice was shrill, and it broke as every emotion came out in a tone that was clearly stripped bare. His feet halted at once. He raked his fingers through his chaotic hair and looked back at me. His cheek lifted in a small smile but his eyes were still heavily burdened.

"I wasn't actually going anywhere, Bella. Not even close," he called over his shoulder as he turned around fully, facing me again. "I was just walking as I organized my thoughts. I'm not going anywhere." He drew out each of his final words, reinforcing them with a firm tone and a matching gaze.

I was glad. I rejoiced as the waves finally broke me. He noticed the exact moment I surrendered myself to the thing that was so much bigger and more powerful than the both of us. It snapped me in half and spilled everything out between us that I had stifled for so long.

Somewhere in the back of my mind a small voice whispered in my ear that I was going to get hurt again. That I was on a perpetual rollercoaster with Edward of pain and ecstasy and that it was never going to end. Silently, I whispered back and ordered it to crawl back in its box and leave me alone. No one is strong enough to fight gravity. And with Edward standing right in front of me, his beauty, his scent, his voice circling around me and pulling me toward him, there was no way I would be able to deny that he was where I belonged.

But I wasn't ready just yet. I had some thought-organizing of my own to do. My mind was a torrent, and I had to compartmentalize everything before I could properly talk with him.

"Edward. I don't want you to leave. But I need more time. Please?" I wasn't sure why I was asking his permission.

His smile widened, and it finally reached his eyes. It was brilliant and melted dormant pieces of me. It annoyed me.

"You can wipe that smile off your face, Edward, I'm not promising a damn thing. The only thing I am committing to is taking more time to try and make sense of how I feel and what I am capable of. I'm confused and hurt and I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel like anything…but I don't know how to make it go away. I just…I need more time."

I ended up growling out the last words as my frustration got the better of me. His smile slipped but his eyes maintained their light as he looked back at me and nodded.

"Stay," I commanded and walked away wondering what in the hell I was going to do.

* * *

Stay.

Please.

*sweet smile*

Thank you.

xox


	22. Go

uhm...hi *digs toe*

I know...believe me, I do. I had to take a break, uhm..._personal reasons._

*sweet smile*

Don't hate me. The updates should continue from now on fairly regularly. And considering it is ME saying that, lets call "fairly regularly" every two weeks or so lol.

If you remember where we are, Bella ran out to the alley that Vik left Ed banished in and yelled, then ran away again.

And...GO!

* * *

Every night after I told Edward to "stay,"I came out to the alley shortly after the club opened once Viktor and his minion goons were properly distracted.

The first night, I stood from the purple couch and stared unblinkingly over the railing and at the front door as if it had somehow offended me. I breathed long, deep, and cleansing breaths, no matter how unnecessary they were, to try to steel my resolve. Viktor sat on a red leather arm chair two feet away from me atop the loft with his eyes scorching holes into the side of my head. I ignored him.

I stood there and breathed and stared and didn't blink for hours. Then I walked past the red chair and down the stairs and through the offending doorway that never actually hurt me. The hurt lay outside waiting for me. This turned out to be precisely the case as I approached the mouth of the alley and saw the streetlights shimmering off of his skin as he paced at the mouth of the cave he had been relegated to. When I was still several blocks away, I noticed that, despite the nervous pacing that was very much an Edward trademark, he also had a wide, lopsided grin stretched across his face.

It was too much too soon, and his happiness spooked me. I spun on my heel and flew faster than any human eye could see back into the club and up the stairs. I artfully ignored the smug grin on Viktor's face as I plopped soundlessly back onto my plush purple pedestal and continued eyeing the doorway.

The next night he stood to greet me as well, but he remained halfway down the alley just outside of the white glow from the corner streetlight. Emmett was beside him with a dark haired woman I had seen a few nights before when I first ventured out into the alley to failingly command Edward away. They were whispering quietly and too quickly for me to care enough to understand their private words. She was tiny, perhaps even smaller than Alice, and her delicate hand was cupping his head as she stood on her tippy toes to reach him. My mind briefly spun down a path of wonder, but I reeled it back and my eyes found Edward's. He was oblivious to his brother's interaction beside him. He had eyes only for me. His smile was present but more restrained than the previous night's. They held a hope that bloomed through me and lit my feet on fire. And in seconds I was back on the purple couch.

Perhaps he wasn't my fate after all. Fate shouldn't be that difficult to accept…should it? Or was it the denying of fate that was so hopeless? Either way, I couldn't seem to stay in front of him long enough to have any kind of exchange, so perhaps that was my answer.

I didn't go back to the alley for several days. I had to organize my thoughts. I was hurt. I was betrayed. I was terrified and confused. I longed for my old companion and coven-mate Jennifer, and even her goofball of a mate Collin, to try and help me wade through all the chaos in my mind. They would be an unbiased source of advice, solely concerned with what would be best for me. I wished I could just call or message them, but I had left so abruptly that I felt ashamed.

I had no one. I had never truly opened up to a single living soul as a human and never had any true companions then. My own mother rarely understood me, though she tried, and the only real girlfriend I ever really relied on abandoned me along with her brother. I was alone. Then and always. Perhaps _that_ was my only true fate. To never develop the proper bonds to tie me to those around me or be snatched from or robbed of the ones which showed potential.

It took me a long time. Days came and went. The sun rose and set. Humans filed in and out. Viktor paced at the top of the loft stairs, in the hallway on the ground floor by his office, and through the empty dance floors during the day. He tried to help in the only way he knew how, the way which had worked to revive me from within myself in the past, but I denied him this time. Whatever was careening out of control inside me, I was going to have to wade through the debris on my own, make sense of it, and make a decision. It was something I was going to have to do alone. I felt badly when Viktor looked so dejected, but I couldn't relegate the emotion any space inside of me. I was at maximum capacity and busy sifting through everything as it was. He was going to have to wait. It could be a while.

When I finally went back out to the alley I found Edward alone, perched on the edge of an orange dumpster, cradling his own head in his hands. He didn't look up as my quiet footfalls splashed through the dark puddles in the relative silence of the midnight. I stopped at the mouth of the alley like I had on my previous visits. I stared at him for a long, _long _time. He didn't move. He was a painfully beautiful marble carving atop a dirty heap of metal.

I was so confused.

The air was heavy. A hundred thousand things went unsaid between us. I could practically see them floating on little sparks of energy between us through the pitch black air. The sparks frightened me more than anything had in years. They carried so much weight. But I didn't walk away. I just stood there in the crisp night air that felt like nothing to me, contemplating each of my avenues.

Running was so familiar.

Staying with him would be a battle.

The club was a haven of oblivion.

The idea of transferring my pain into words was daunting, but how could I stay if I didn't. Would it even be worth it?

The truth of Edward's existence without me was going to be crushing. Could I bear it? Did I want to?

We were both flying blind, like normal, confused, wounded little humans. I was going to have to be fair, as much I just wanted to yell and hit and run and forget. If I stayed and tried to speak , I knew I was going to have to allow him to do the same. It would be a long, painful road and it was only the beginning – I was not too naïve to appreciate that. Did I have the strength?

I sighed heavily with my eyes on my own toes. After another long stretch of time I lifted my head. Edward was in the same position as before except that his eyes were on mine. They were hard and cold. Underneath the surface I thought I saw something a bit softer, but more than anything they looked afraid.

I walked away.

As I did so I heard the strangled groan that he tried to smother. I wasn't sure if it was hurt or exasperation that prompted it, but I didn't care. He had all the goddamn time in the world, and if I meant half as much as he once claimed, then he could wait. He had to wait. I didn't leave him any other options.

I had that right. _He _hurt me. _He _hunted me. _He _betrayed me.

_He could wait. _

More days. Maybe a week. I stood at the mouth of the alley staring down the narrow, black corridor at the quiet emptiness. His scent was everywhere, but he had been anchored to that alley for almost a month, so it was not surprising. It was a burning slap in the face as I approached–a slap which echoed off the vacancy.

A movement at the far end of the tunnel, several blocks down, caught my eye. Hope swelled in my chest before I could contain it. But it was just a dog scavenging from corner to corner for some scraps to eat. I sighed heavily, my eyes pricking. That moment of lonely defeat did more to solidify my path than the agonising weeks of soul-searching had. I had scoured every crevice and hidden corner in my depths and turned up confused and frustrated every time. Yet, standing there, with the deafening nothingness suffocating me, my decision was made. Or…it _would _have been had I not been foolish enough to throw it away into the passing time.

"Shit," I muttered as I sniffed out of habit and swiped the back of my hand against my eyes.

There was a back door to some shop or another with a concrete stoop next to me. My foot lifted and fell fiercely without me thinking about it. The concrete turned to rubble easily under my anger. Had I been human, I would have been bordering on hysterics as the emotion swelled and spilled over and my eyes did that irritating dry twitch, begging for the moisture they needed to purge out the overwhelming feelings.

Something rustled midway down the alley. Before I had a chance to track it with my eyes, the voice broke through the black around me and cradled me. Rich, velvet…broken and pained, but present_. _

"I'm here," he murmured.

Hope. My path. I walked forward before I had a chance to acknowledge the shame in my display.

Edward was crouched on the ground on the far side of the old orange dumpster, back leaned against the exterior wall of the buildings that lined the alley. His fists were clenched into his hair, tugging. His toes lifted in an alternating tap, funnelling out his anxiety as he stared between his knees to the wet ground.

My feet carried me with nothing more than a whisper to stand closer to him. Close enough that I felt reassured he was really there, yet my emotions were still far enough away to stay protected. He had become an expert at reading the words that were nearly written out in ink across my features, and I wished to keep things to myself for a while longer.

"Look, I just don't know where to start, okay?" I spat honestly. "There's so much. It's overwhelming. And I can't decide if I love you or hate you…maybe it's both. And I feel like it would be a betrayal to myself to just forgive you for all that you have done so… That's where I am right now–confused where to begin in all of this and not even sure that I want to."

Like an apparition in the wind he was in front of me before I registered that he was moving–his palms on my shoulders and his eyes soft and hopeful as they bore into mine. The creases of them twitched, and in them, I saw the truth. He was broken, too. He meant what he had said all those nights ago when I had been too angry and scared to be truly listening. However badly he had hurt me, he had also hurt himself in the process. Not that it lessened my own pain, but it was somehow reassuring to know that I was not the only one who had suffered in the disaster that was my relationship with Edward.

He followed my eyes to his hands on my shoulders and then retrieved them slowly, an unsure hesitation in his eyes. "Bella, start wherever you want. Or if you prefer…" He paused to swallow thickly, audibly, in the still night surrounding us. He was so, so scared. And sadistically, that comforted me. He _should _be scared. "If you prefer, Bella, I can start. Believe me when I say I have done nothing but think and rethink of what it is that I need to say and how I can even bear to say it to you over the last few years."

"I don't want some insincere, rehearsed bullshit, Edward. I want the truth. I deserve the truth. You've denied it enough in the past for a lifetime, even one as long as ours. I'm done with the deceptions, the practiced speeches, the betrayal. Edward, I'm done with that." My words were cruel but true. Their honesty rang across his features as he nodded adamantly against my words as I spat them at him–always so eager to be amicable.

"No lines. No deception. Bella…" He choked off, my name strangling the rest of whatever it was he was trying to say. His eyes were wide and they darted everywhere and nowhere all at once. They rested on mine a hundred times before jumping away again. They shone and I swore he was every ounce as human as I once had been. And he was terrified, truly. "Bella, I will give you everything I have, everything inside me. Honestly. Without exception or hesitation." He blinked and his eyes finally settled. They melted into me and begged. They anchored, and I had the distinct impression that if I allowed him to, they would never again leave.

As he spoke, I could taste his sweet breath on the tip of my tongue. As unfathomable as it was, it calmed me. Everything about him was so familiar. A lost lifetime ago and yet…_so _familiar.

"Everything, even…" I began in a quiet voice.

"Yes," he cut me off quickly without further explanation as to what I may want him to disclose.

"Edward," I groaned, exasperated already. "You haven't even heard what I was going to ask."

"It doesn't matter." His fingers returned slowly to wrap themselves gently around the tops of my arms. He slowly trailed his open palms over my shoulders, his fingers caressing my collarbone while he studied his own movements with sharp eyes. The heels of his hands carefully hovered above my body, not making contact. Only the very small strokes of his fingertips moved on me.

He lifted his hands slowly to cup my cheeks, and why I hadn't stopped him yet was beyond me. Part of me wanted to. But part of me…

My frozen skin just felt so alive again that it was mesmerising to me. He continued whispering as his nose slid against mine and his lips touched mine occasionally without kissing me.

"I owe you everything, and as unfathomable as it is for you to hear it right now, Bella, I have nothing to hide from you. I swear it. I'm eager for you to be able to appreciate why it is that I say this. As much as maybe I don't want to get into it…" his words tapered off and his eyes left mine to stare at his feet in what appeared to be shame, but perhaps that was just wishful thinking.

We both knew precisely what he was referencing, and how he thought that he had nothing for which he should be admonished to hide from me infuriated everything inside me. I had never known real hatred or anger, jealousy or betrayal, until I had known and loved and _lost_ Edward Cullen and allowed all of the dark possessions of the world to worm their way inside of me. Because of him I knew real, soul-shattering pain. I knew the hollow empty wound of loss, the physical burning agony of the immortal change, the shame of repeated betrayal, humiliation, rage, jealousy, hatred. I knew them all. Because of Edward. My spirit was significantly less pure than it should have been–marred and battered, pieced together, and barely hanging on.

_How am I going to actually do this…?_

I shrugged out of his hold and drifted away, needing some distance in order to properly think. Edward fogged my mind, and I couldn't articulate myself or my thoughts clearly with him touching me like that, creating reactions inside of me that I could not control and was not quite ready to embrace. He stirred up the old, familiar painful twinge of both good and bad.

As I tried to force order in my mind, he quietly begged me to say something, anything, to open up and begin the journey down the path we were fitfully approaching. To let him know what I was thinking. His mouth continued to move, his feet carried him in quick circles in front of me, his thoughts were being spoken aloud and the rambling, pleading confusion was only adding to my own. His desperation was thick and angering me. He was always so impatient despite his promises.

I spun around and circled back to him. His eyes widened. His lips snapped shut and mashed together, and the look in his eye was apologetic. I realised that the whispered chant for me to divulge myself to him was probably not meant for me to hear, he was accustomed to pacing and rambling quietly without my knowledge. It was just one of many old habits that were no longer applicable to our new situation. My frustration at myself and him had finally boiled over.

The thing about immortals is that we feel powerfully. We experience a gauntlet of intense emotion, sometimes all at once and sometimes too fast to address appropriately. Sometimes we are just impetuous, passionate, and reckless despite our best intentions. We can't truly help it. It's our nature. Sometimes…we _are_ monsters.

"You really want to know what you've done to me?" I shrieked at him, feeling the control slipping through my fingers. At my sides I waggled them as if I could physically encourage the control to bleed through faster, feeding in to the contemptible side of myself for a brief moment. "You ruined me, Edward. Repeatedly. Because like you always pointed out, I _have _no self-preservation instincts. And I am so weak for you that it makes me sick. Every time I thought I had regained some semblance of control over my own existence, you somehow stole it back. Every time I recovered from the pain you caused, you heaved another bout on me. Every time I healed, you reopened the wounds only to mock them somehow. You won't go away, you just keep reappearing. You leave me no peace, no chance, nothing! And for what, Edward, what? Why are you so determined to break me that you won't just back off until I am nothing? And now…now you say you want to _fix_ this! I don't even know what 'this' is!" I gestured wildly between the two of us, my teeth bared and my lips curled back. Involuntarily, my knees had softened and my spine curled inward onto itself, coiling me toward the ground in a fighting stance as the heat and humiliation boiled in my belly, my body naturally interpreting the emotions as threat.

The words left the chaos of my mind and flew out of my mouth fast, barrelling forward on nothing but raw emotion. The beginning of this, whatever it was, this path to revival, it was going to be chaotic, I could feel it. It was going to be a bunch of anger and accusation, begging and pleading, warring, conflicting emotions pulling us both in every which way. It was going to be a whirlwind of a battle. Disorienting. And it was just the tip of the iceberg.

I shook from head to foot, pacing frantically, blurring from wall to wall, muttering incoherently as I fumbled through the anger and the hurt and the warm way my skin still felt from where he had touched it. I experienced the very recent memory of the loss I felt when that scavenging dog's eyes looked up and glowed yellow at me and they weren't the creamy butterscotch I secretly wanted them to be. The way that second in stopped time solidified my desires. I needed to muster up the strength and the courage to chase those desires, no matter how convoluted and painful the chase was sure to be.

Edward hadn't moved. And it hadn't slipped my attention that his eyes darted briefly toward the club when I was screaming at the top of my dead lungs at him.

With a look of pure devastation on his features, his lips parted to address my issues, but I wasn't ready to hear his slow, overly apologetic voice in my ears just yet. I was still vibrating with anger. It had been a while since I felt so strongly, and once it became unleashed it was a high I wasn't ready to climb down from yet. I cut him off.

"No!" I growled through gritted teeth. "Not yet." I held up my hand to indicate that it was not his turn to speak. He shrank back with wide eyes and tight lips. He blinked rapidly, and I knew that he would be crying if he were able. "Don't you dare say that everything you have ever done, despite it hurting me, has been to protect me. I know you, Edward, and I know that is what you are going to say. It might even be what _you_ believe, but it's all a lie. Perhaps you have convinced yourself of the legitimacy of that lie, but that doesn't make it any truer.

"Everything you have ever done has been to protect yourself. You are selfish. You act selfishly. You ran away when you first met me to save yourself, not me–to spare yourself the shame and humiliation of killing a human after everything Carlisle had done for you. You didn't want to see the disappointment in your father's eyes when he looked at you as my blood dripped from your chin, splattered the collar of your shirt, and stained your eyes. So you ran. You hid. You were scared and it had nothing to do with me. You ran to save your own ass. It was the same reason I ran…"

My final words were nothing more than a whisper on the air, though I grew angrier by the second, mostly at myself for lacking the strength to stop spewing forth all my half-confessions in rapid, incoherent succession. I paused to pull in a deep, shaky breath. If I was going to continue shouting at him like that I was going to need it. Again, his eyes drifted toward the club and back. I didn't have the capacity within myself to care what was happening. Viktor could be shredding Emmett and his little girlfriend to pieces for all I cared in that second. Edward was my concern. Edward and his stupid face slackened and hanging in shame at my words.

"Furthermore," I began, for some reason obstinately refusing to know what was good for me and just shut up and walk away again. "You left me after my birthday for your own sake, not mine."

That struck something inside him because his head snapped up and shook adamantly, nothing but a blur atop his shoulders as he tried to deny my last claim.

"No…no," he chanted as he shook. "I left to save you! That is undeniable, Bella. I won't have you thinking anything else." He raised his voice and his eyes pierced mine. He believed what he said, that much was obvious.

"From what, Edward?"

"From myself!" he roared. In a flash he was in my face. I backed up quickly in response until my back met something hard and it rattled behind me. He leaned into me, trapping me with his palms pressed on either side of my head, flattened against whatever it was that I was pinned against. His body was in a parallel line to mine; at no point did we touch but I felt him everywhere. "I saved you from _me_."

His voice was quiet and softer than his harsh actions. If it had been anyone other than Edward I would have been frightened, I would have been reacting physically. As it was, I felt both safe and bitterly ashamed of that feeling.

"I…I _tried _to… I'm a monster, Bella. I wanted nothing more than to kill you. If I wasn't fighting to ignore how desperate I was for your blood to coat the back of my throat, then I was fighting with the desire to sink my teeth into your neck and spill my venom into your body to change you. It would torture and burn you alive, and I wanted it. I wanted it so badly that it was all I ever thought about. I wanted to steal everything that was beautiful and soft and precious about you just so I could keep you forever for myself. Selfishly. It didn't matter which battle I was fighting on what day. Every single second that I spent near you I wanted to kill you somehow. Do you understand me?" his breath was stifling me as it seeped into me. "I wanted to kill you. And I would have…eventually. It was only a matter of time."

"Hmm," I hummed scathingly. "And yet, I had a funeral anyway."

Instantly, creamy butterscotch flared from pupil to iris into a smooth cloud of jet black. It happened to our eyes whenever we experienced intensity beyond our restraint. Black meant we were losing the battle within ourselves. And Edward's eyes were like huge, angry chunks of coal. I could actually hear the distinct grating noise of his back molars grinding against each other as he struggled to contain himself so close to me.

My mini-rant fuelled me. It spurred me on and made me feel stronger and more in control. I pushed on my shield, determined to gain some insight into his mind. I tried to grip the centre and cast out the perimeter, drawing in his own ability to use against him while still protecting my own thoughts.

A few scattered flecks of gold sparkled through Edward's eyes, breaking up the black. He looked away quickly and squeezed them shut. His nostrils flared and he breathed through his open mouth. I could hear his fingernails scraping at whatever was behind me in my ear, but I heard nothing of his thoughts.

Discouraged again by failure, I abandoned the attempt at manipulating my gift. I was going to have to begin feeding more regularly so I could have the strength to use it again. Now that I had become aware of its deficiency, I felt naked and vulnerable without it.

Edward looked back at me with smouldering intensity. I watched closely as the eyes that I knew so well slowly allowed the gold to swell and infiltrate the black further, yet not entirely. He stared at me intently for a long time with speckled eyes. Silence had never been so thick.

"You think I don't know about being alone?" he snarled lowly in an almost whisper in my ear, his arms pinning me without actually touching me and his head bowed forward.

I didn't know what to say. I had no idea what brought on the new train of thought or where he was headed with it. But his tone was so confident that the direction change had to have come from somewhere. I bit back the sense of dread that told me it came from within _me. _

I blinked at him but remained silent, recognising it as my only safe option.

"You're so convinced you know everything, Bella. You always have been. You jump to conclusions and you cling to them as truths without giving anyone a single moment to clarify. You think you understand what I was feeling all those times when you were still a fragile little human? You think that what…because you're an immortal now you can appreciate the past with your new enlightenment? You stand here and question the purity of my intentions back then and you've convicted me before I could offer up a word of defence. But as usual, you don't know anything about what you are talking about."

The venom and malice in his voice actually caused me to shrink back against the…_what the hell was I pressed against?_

In a confused panic I glanced over my shoulder quickly to find out, desperate to know something no matter how trivial it was. I felt like I was the one who was supposed to be dictating the hurt and the anger, the path of the conversation, and the road to healing if there was to be such a road. I thought I held all the cards and the control. I thought it was he who owed _me_ the apology. He should be on his knees, not throwing insults at me. But either he disagreed or something had happened in the previous two minutes that I had been entirely unaware of to set him off. Because he was attacking me with a venom I had only even seen coming from him one time, and it was when he was terminating another immortal to save me_. _

It was the rusty, orange dumpster. That was what I was pressed against. I should have remembered that it was there. I didn't feel any better for knowing it now.

"Go if you want to," Edward spat, falling back onto his heels and dropping his arms, effectively freeing me if I so wished. For a brief second I was confused, but then realised I had looked toward the club immediately following his barrage on me.

"I don't want to," I stated mater-of-factly. We had played more games than I could keep track of. We weren't going to get anywhere unless we were honest. And I genuinely did not want to return to the club, not yet.

As I told him as much, the truth behind the words finally sank in. The club was dark. It was lonely and the girl who stayed there was a true ghost. I didn't know how to revive her by myself and would exist for an eternity in a weird purgatory between the living and the soulless if I returned there. At least outside of those walls I had hope. It slowly sank in that the hope was what I wanted.

Edward scoffed loudly and walked away, shaking his head and combing his long fingers through his hair in dismissal.

"Again with your back," I cried in frustration. "I thought you hunted me. I thought it was painful and difficult but that you loved me enough to endure it? You hunted me for a reason, because you wanted to help me or at the very least apologise for how very screwed up everything became every time you forced yourself on me. But now you scream at me, say more hurtful things, and then all I keep seeing is your stupid back. What kind of sense does that make, Edward? What do you expect me to feel here when you give me nothing?" I was so thoroughly confused by the last few minutes.

"I can hear you when you do that," he whispered into the air in front of him. "You're doing it wrong and I can hear you. Twice. Once the first night you came out to see me and then just now…" He trailed off, turning slowly back to me. His eyes had fully returned to their creamy colour and his features were a bit gentler, more like the Edward of my memories. _My_ Edward. "Why don't you even know how to work your own shield anymore, Bella?"

The sadness in his voice forced its way into my mind. I honestly didn't know why I couldn't use my shield anymore. It hadn't been functioning properly since I was pulled from the quicksand of my own mind by Viktor that night in the alley. I assumed it was because I was so malnourished and had been coasting on the bare minimum that it took to not slip back into the oblivion, no matter how happy and green that feigned reality had been. Viktor always saw to it that I didn't return. But nor did it provide the strength to operate my own abilities, which was probably my fault somehow.

"I don't know," I whispered meekly. More stupid honesty.

His eyes–they were so poignant. They were the very thing that had always haunted me right from the beginning, well before I discovered what he was. He stayed where he was, a good arm's reach away, and faced me, staring into my eyes, searching, always searching, to the point that I felt vulnerable, but my body was traitorous to my wounded pride and it refused to turn away and deny him, or to even allow me to blink. We stood in silence for a long time before his voice, cracking raw with emotion thicker than an immortal should be capable of conveying, forced its way toward me, his eyes downcast once the words began tumbling out of his mouth. I had nothing to look at any longer but his cherry-red lips as they moved, saying words that I both longed to hear and wanted to denounce the moment he uttered them purely out of lingering spite. But somehow, I just couldn't.

"Bella, I could feasibly live forever. And I could fill every single day with an earnest attempt at explaining to you everything that I feel for you. All of the aching that is in my heart, reminding me that, functioning or not, it still exits. All the regret. Regret that I was ever even sick in the first place and that Carlisle felt compelled to change me into this _thing _that I am_. _Regret that I died. Regret that I didn't live to know you as a human–to love you the way I would have if given the chance to be everything you have ever needed, deserved…_wanted. _Bella, you would have been cherished. My heart would have overflowed and poured into yours in a way that you would have felt in your bones every single day of our life together. My love for you would have never been called into question the way it continuously has been in this lifetime."

He paused and his toe dug at something on the ground that I didn't bother looking at. I was too lost in the glimmer of his teeth as they caught the streetlights when he spoke, and the movement of his mouth and the memory of it on my skin. The words he was speaking moved in slow-motion through me, giving me ample opportunity to absorb and appreciate them.

"Sadly, I never had a say in any of that," he continued, shoving his hand in his pants' pocket and looking up, not quite at me, but over my shoulder at something that wasn't really there–his own thoughts, perhaps. "I got sick. I got turned. And then, because fate hates me, I got _you_. And you were everything I ever could have asked for in a mate. Even now, after decades of thought on it, I don't know if I could put it into words properly what just being near you did for me. Unfortunately, along with all the good, it also tortured me. And my ability to love you properly was impossibly compromised, marred, ruined. I was terrified to even touch you when all I wanted to do was hold you. I felt…_feel…_like I have all of this overwhelming emotion churning inside me over you but that I'm essentially forbidden from showing you anything but a fraction of it. I will never be able to express it properly. And as long as you were human I would fail miserably at showing you any of it. But now… I tried to save you, I did. I ruined myself and my entire family in the process, but Bella, I swear to you that I thought I was saving you. I should have had Alice look in on you. I should have protected you better. Regrets Bella…I'm consumed by them. They are piled so high behind me that I can barely see the path I've walked. It will take an eternity to confess every single one of them to you, but I will. I want to."

Whatever he was seeing that wasn't really there, he abandoned it then, and his eyes slowly slid over to mine. I was powerless to brace myself for the emotion I saw behind them. It hit me harder than any object ever had, and I hissed in automatic reaction.

"I'm terrified right now, Bella. At least before, when I left you human, I was convinced I was doing the right thing. No matter how ridiculous that seems, it's the truth. But now I don't…I just… _Clearly,_ I fail every time I try to do the right thing, never more than when you are concerned. So, now I'm sitting here in this rotting alley every day, cowering in the corner behind the dumpster where the sunlight doesn't reach me, waiting, praying to a God I have always believed considers me an abomination that I have the fortitude to recognise the right decision here. That I won't somehow chase you away again and that I canconvince you to listen to me long enough to give me a chance. Praying that there is even something left in both of us worth fighting for. I'm scared, and I don't think many things have scared me since I lay a dying human in my sickbed. But here I am. And I fear I'm already letting words and thoughts spill out of me before I can filter them, and they are, as always, a poor substitution for the real things I need to be saying to you. I panic, and I'm rash when I need to be level-headed. But both of our lives are at stake here, and I promise you, Bella, that if you allow me to, I _will_ honour the gravity of this situation better from now on. I need to do right by you, and I…don't know how. But I need you to know that it is all I have ever wanted to do."

His lips pressed together, and his arms hung limp at his sides. His shoulders sagged, and his brows were no longer knit together in concentration as when he was formulating his words while he spoke. He gave up the fight and clearly, he was lost. It was going to be an exhausting rollercoaster ride trying to repair every damaged cord that connected the two of us. But after hearing the beginnings of what he had to say to me, and experiencing the emotion trapped inside him, spilling out through his eyes, I was more certain than I had been when I first entered the alley that night that it was a ride I was ready for, no matter where it landed in the end.

"Edward?" I questioned in a voice that sounded small, taking a step away from the dumpster but leaving my eyes on him.

"Go," he answered, his hand waving toward the mouth of the alley. "You need more time after all of that. Please, take it. I told you before, I'm not going anywhere. Don't doubt that again, Bella."

I rolled my eyes at his command and began to walk away, needing some space to try and process all that had been decided.

"Please," he added again quietly as an afterthought. It was indeed, very thoughtful. It was an effort. It all was. And that was significant. I was still going to shred the hell out of him when the time came, but I appreciated it all the same.

A faint smile played at my lips as my feet carried me back to the club where I knew I would not be staying much longer.

* * *

Phew...that was like a circle of torture. They had a bit of unorganized thoughts and emotions to vent first before any kind of coherency can come forth.

Onward and upward!

Love me?

Air

xox


	23. A Clean Break

Anyone still there?

Bueller?

I'm sorry. I'm a jerk. I hate that this story was updating so slowly and put on the back burning, I feel like I have let a lot of people down and for that I am terribly sorry. My other story is nearing completion and thus I promise to dive back in full-force to ACE and finish it off. Thank you for your support and patience...ya know...if there's even anyone reading this a/n ;)

xox

* * *

Breathing.

The human action was almost entirely superfluous for me. If I were so inclined, I could feasibly never take another breath until the end of time. When refraining, I did not feel the urgent rush of adrenaline as it fought its way through my veins struggling to save my life the way a human would. There was no adrenaline. There was nothing to fight for. There was no life left to save.

Instead, I felt an inherent pang of anxiety. A whisper that would flutter through my brain and tickle at every crevice of my mind, urging me to pull in a little air to taste my surroundings for safety's sake. A whisper that would slowly escalate into a scream, piercing and demanding, until air eventually skated its way across my tongue and through my nostrils. I was an animal now, the real kind, the kind that knew how to take care of itself whether it wanted to or not.

I was trying not to breathe now. The tastes in the air were all so familiar, and yet, they warred with themselves so fervently that it spiralled my mind and stilled my body. It was a painful division. Mixing the flavours. Edward with Viktor. The fresh air of freedom with the stagnant, guarded loft. The urge to run with the fear that kept me anchored. The whispering flutter screamed, and I pulled in a breath of air. It seemed to snap me out of my reverie.

The first thing I saw was Viktor pacing so fast he was nothing but a blur of black, sweeping garments at the top of the staircase beside me. My eyes slid languidly toward him and I observed for several solid minutes as he wore the floorboards down. Literally. A constant stream of words came snarling across his lips; unfortunately–or fortunately as it may be– they were in an ancient language I did not fully comprehend. However, after spending several years in the loft with him, I had come to know enough to pick out the key points.

He was livid. He was hurt. He felt betrayed. I could appreciate the mind-bending cocktail of emotion. Immortals seemed destined to suffer for an eternity no matter how hard we tried, or _didn't_ try as it were, to escape it. It was the fear of this never-ending life of pain, this…_fate…_that drove me so far inside myself that I nearly met my own ruin on Viktor's doorstep several years past. So yes, I sympathised.

However, Viktor's fear was a weakness which the mighty, commanding vampire rarely felt and even more rarely displayed. Edward's arrival was wearing thin on him, and his patience was receding quickly as he felt increasingly exposed. This, perhaps more so than any other factor, troubled me the most.

Nothing about being an immortal was easy. Nothing was obvious, and everywhere I looked there was temptation, pain, and distraction. It threatened to overwhelm my senses daily. My shield must have provided more comfort and security than I realised during my neophyte transition, because once I was lacking it, the crushing reality around me closed in like an attack.

I took a deep breath, grinding my teeth together against the flavours I felt rather than tasted, and laid my head against the back of the purple couch to try and block out Viktor, his old language, fearful red eyes, and the tingle electrifying the surface of my tongue as I swallowed.

_Concentrate._

While I once found it easy to mar the sweet memories I had of Edward with the idea that he was the enemy; I no longer could. None of the suggestions associated with the word coincided with anything that my head and my heart knew to be true of the man that Edward was. While everything seemed to have changed between us, separately as well as together, the fundamentals of what comprised him were still there. They were evident in everything he said the night before. His vulnerability. His fear. He was a good man. And he was flawed. He always had been, even if I could not recognise the flaws before with my weak, rosy human eyes. He was an immortal, yet underneath the armour, he was just a frozen little human, exactly as I was. He held the same doubts and the same insecurities that he had before he met his death, only amplified by the change of immortality. And then he met me. A human.

He loved me then. His struggle was unfathomable. I took it for granted. It was never a struggle that I shared. How could I have?

If he loved me then, maybe he loved me still, in his own misguided way? Once the thoughts of Edward, humanity, and love broke free from the place where I tried in vain to imprison them, they were impossible to catch, tame, and force back into confinement.

Edward was good.

_Dammit. _

Edward loves me?

I love him? Or need him? I am drawn in a way that even the universe could not seem to deny forever, as it forcibly pushed us back together when we both tried to deny it the right. I was spiralling again.

_Just breathe_, I tried to calm myself. Human practices were futile yet so learned that I always tried them anyway. My body's response to panic began to accelerate. I dragged air in quickly and released it just as fast.

I squeezed my eyelids together tighter, trying to focus my thoughts, feeling my cheeks as they pushed against the plastic rims of the dark glasses I wore. In my lap, my hands closed in on themselves in a fist that dug crescent-shapes into my marble skin in a way that only an immortal's talons or teeth ever could. It hinted at pain. I welcomed it. It anchored me to a place that, while it was intangible, it was reassuring all the same, causing just enough distraction along the periphery of my barrelling thoughts to keep me from being too heavily consumed. Because no matter how hard I fought against them, the idea of "good" and the image of Edward's eyes behind mine would not go away. This scared me on a personal level. I had spent decades attempting to tarnish my ideas of our time together. And then, it seemed all of my assertions had been proven accurate on the evening I ran into him in the hospital. The evening I realised he did not ache in my absence the way I did in his. The evening everything that had been precariously balancing above me finally came tumbling down, burying me, silencing any lingering doubt about who and what Edward was. A monster. Perhaps he _had _meant everything he told me in the woods when he left me a human, broken prey. It was easier than it should have been to embrace these ideas of Edward as the bad guy. Perhaps I just _really _wanted to believe it. It made the past an easier pill to swallow.

But now, Edward was trying to offer a new perspective on every time he had ever hurt me. One that claimed he and his family not only did what they felt was best for themselves, but for _me _as well. I was being included in his definition of family in a way I had long given up hope for. I knew he had so much more he longed to say to me. However, I wasn't sure if I could muster the strength and restraint I would need to allow him his piece without tearing him to shreds in the process.

I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream until my throat was raw. I wanted to hit him and eviscerate him and fall to my knees and sob–not in submission but merely because the idea of holding myself upright in one piece throughout this forged battle was so daunting.

Logically, I knew my limbs would never tire and my throat would never bleed raw, yet that didn't stop the sense of weariness from overwhelming me as I sat, biding my time, already knowing where my heart lay, just nervous to go meet it.

I opened my eyes and realised the faint whooshing sound in my ears that had been Viktor smearing across the stairwell in front of me had stopped, perhaps some time ago. I had no idea how long I had been sitting there with forcibly closed eyes pondering the immortal outside, waiting in the alleyways for someone so uncertain and fearful she should hardly be allowed to be considered indestructible. I hardly felt the title. I felt conquerable. My silent war was the only thing that ever felt eternal about me…and I was about to willingly hand all the fight in me over to someone else.

The club was dark. It was hours before any humans would file in, unknowingly marching themselves into the lair of vampire melodrama. As for Viktor's crew, I wasn't sure where he had sent them off to, but I could tell they were not around. They were vampires of the truest and oldest sense, and while my lungs still regularly expanded and retracted, theirs did so with much less regularity and often much more briskly, sniffing rather than sustaining. Eyelids never blinked and feet never shuffled unless with a purpose. It was always quiet in the club during closed hours; however, it was unearthly quiet that afternoon, and I felt, rather than _knew _that we were alone.

A few dusty rays of sunlight streaked through the window coverings below me. One ray stretched the tip of its sunny fingers up to the railings of the loft and licked across my calf just above my boot where the leather ended and the thin, black material of my tights began. A shimmer gleamed beneath the fabric. A kaleidoscope of iridescence sparkled off my leg and shot around the top of the loft whenever I so much as wiggled my toes. I found myself overly mesmerised by their beauty and distraction in a way that felt beyond my control. Somewhere in the back of my boundless mind, something quietly jumped up and down, waving red flags at me as my mind slipped a little. I was powerless to acknowledge the red flag bearer.

Before I could consciously walk into the memory, I was thrown head first into it. The scent of lavender and freesia as it surrounded me…_us. _The itchy feel of the grass where it poked at my exposed wrists and neck. My feet shuffled nervously and my eyelids blinked–slow, unsteady human blinks that I was hesitant to blink in the first place. Every millisecond spent _not _observing the glorious beauty that was Edward as the sun shone off of his skin and bounced around his relaxed features was a tragedy even my simple human mind could appreciate. His splendour was more intense than anything I had ever been blessed to witness. He was a god in my eyes and in my heart. Perfection unparalleled.

I had spent what felt, to my limited appreciation of time, like hours studying him. His eyelashes that lay flat against his cheeks as if he were simply sleeping and not just allowing me the opportunity to gape at him in relative privacy. The rise of his cheek bones and the perfection of his red lips as they slowly parted and his tongue peaked out to lick them as if he actually _could _hear my mind and knew the precise moment I was beholding them. The line of his jaw that hinted at a maturity no true seventeen year old should possess. Strong. As if the man behind the jaw could never falter or waver. He was so solid. The veins in his arms that snaked down across his luminescent skin, ineffective yet forever captured in their beautiful azure hue.

Somehow, my immortal mind was distantly aware that I was simply remembering the captured moment in time–I was not actually reliving it and Edward was not directly in front of me. But my eyes saw with clarity. He _was _right there. This was real. The pain my heart felt at the memory and the awe the little human girl felt was real. They both swelled inside of me. Dichotomous yet…_not._

I ached to touch him, but feared that he wouldn't want me to–that he would push me away and reject me. The ever-present paranoia that haunted me as a human, that he was a glorious dream and if I moved so much as a fingertip toward him he would dissipate as quickly as he had appeared into my murky little life. Everything was far too visceral. The haze of distant human memory was absent. This was crystal clear.

In the memory, my hair hung limp to the sides of my face, somewhere between the two of us as Edward lay flat on his back against the meadow and I propped myself up on my elbow so I could watch him. I could see it out of the corner of my eye, glowing a little in the middle as the rare Washington sun hit it and the odd sheen of auburn showed itself. Presently, I recognised how meagre that shimmer of red was and how silly it was to be amused by its dullness. My immortal hair shone flickers of scarlet and crimson, the depths of which no human eye could ever appreciate, even in the dark. Whenever the _real _sunlight was permitted to touch me, my hair practically lit itself on fire with colour and facet. My human hair was sallow in comparison and still, while the rest of him lay motionless, Edward's bent arm lay casually in front of me with his long fingertips gently twisting and untwisting the strands, transfixed. Its texture must have felt rough to his sensitive fingertips even though to my own at the time it did not. Yet he was amused with me. I would not allow myself to assume that he was fascinated as I was with him, but such a comparison would have been impossible to draw. My human eyes drank him in.

On the purple couch, my fingers twitched against themselves and the matted, once plush fabric of the settee I sat on, aching from inside my memory to reach out and stroke his skin. Just as the girl in my mind was struggling, her fingertips rubbing similar patterns, twisting grass and uprooting dandelions just for a way to occupy themselves. Always so hesitant. Always so insecure. And still, the need to touch him was energised as it pushed through both me and the memory. My hand, the image of my hand, perhaps even my real one, reached out slowly in front of me. Just an inch. Just a shuffle, but toward him…always toward him. He was so calm, so unguarded, and so patient. He would have heard me moving as surely as he was allowing the steady strum of my heart and the expansion of my lungs to sing a soothing lullaby to him and unwind his hesitations around me. He knew I was reaching for him.

I only had a half an inch to move before my fingertips would connect with his forearm, it seemed to take forever. My human self was impatient. She was desperate. She was grateful he couldn't read her mind and see the ideas racing through it. Then he would know how desperately she wanted to throw her entire self at him, both physically and metaphorically. She tried to go slowly, but the rush was obvious to a more measured eye. The corner of his lip twisted momentarily. Amusement. My human self hadn't noticed. Her eyes were watching her own fingers as they crept closer to his skin where it danced brilliantly before her. _I _noticed, even if the silly girl had been too preoccupied.

While I was overpowered with the mirrored urge to touch him and feel him, I also felt a new layer, a non-memory layer of solidarity with the immortal in the image. The one who was practicing his patience. The one who allowed the human girl to touch him while he suppressed his own gauntlet of fear and instinct as they rushed to the surface. I felt them too. I felt them almost as strongly as if they were my own. The black fear of the immortal as it battled against the glowing shimmer of the innocent girl he loved. The horrors he had seen in his long, lonely years mixed with the beauty she was experiencing and the lightness she was bringing to his existence. The apprehension warring within him at wanting to experience some of her angelic innocence, and the love for what it was on the surface for her, as it battled his own knowledge of what it meant to exist such as he did…the dangers that would surely pose for _her._

The triple emotions swirled around my present self like a tornado. I was lost. Disoriented. The red flag waver had given up all hope and was slumped in a corner somewhere abandoned. I was immersed. I was helpless.

I felt it all. My human awe. My present-day concern. And the immortal in the picture. I felt everything he felt. Love was like a warm blanket fresh off the coals of the fireplace in the back of the house he had abandoned ages ago…but he still remembered that kind of safety and comfort…it had just been a century since he felt it. A long hundred years of solitude, fear, regret, blackness. The little human girl was like a sunbeam lighting up every abandoned and forgotten about crevice of his marred soul. Her warmth both fascinated him and empowered him. He had resolved to guard her, _it,_ with every fibre of his being. He loved her. He…_loved her. _With an honest purity that he hadn't felt ever, not just since his humanity had been stripped, but ever. It consumed him, more than the burn in his throat, or the ever-present fear; her love lit everything else on fire and kept him warm. It had been so, _so _long since he had felt warm.

Meanwhile, oblivious to the gauntlet of awe in front of her, the human girl trailed her fingertips up his arm and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a gasp as it slipped through her lips at his cold skin, warmed slightly by the sunlight.

_She had no idea about the warmth. She was supposed to._

Presently, I felt the rush of sensation fire through my own fingertips as they curled tighter in to combat the onslaught the human experienced. The cold was oddly welcomed inside me. The feel of him under my fingertips was not as foreign as it should have been having never touched anything like him in the past. It was familiar even if it was abnormal. It was as if I had felt him beneath my fingertips a hundred times before. I knew what it was to feel him, and I felt it somewhere deeper than the surface of my forefinger as it moved a very slow, _very _tentative trail from his wrist to the crook of his elbow along the azure path.

My human eyes bounced as rapidly as they were capable of bouncing from Edward's arm to his face as I tried to watch him for a sign that I was making him uncomfortable. In hindsight, I realised the futility of this action, but the little girl was concerned, and it was endearing to watch. She loved him, too. Truly. It swelled inside of me through _her_. The feeling of love dominated all other emotions that tried to gain purchase in the girl–the fear, the anxiety, the logic, and the pandemonium of accepting that mythical creatures existed and she was essentially petting one. The love prevailed. Both in _her _and in myself. It pushed its way into every crevice of me, blotting out the apprehension and solidifying my paths that were already solid. We were, after all, one and the same. I was that little girl once.

Edward's fingertips moved quickly. _Her _eyes didn't catch it until he made contact, but mine did. I saw them as they struggled to maintain their ease while casually fingering the tips of the girl's hair. I saw the tension build in his neck as her hand crept higher and the rigidity in his legs that lay, for all intents and purposes, relaxed out-stretched front of him. I saw his fingers curl in decision as he sped in a fraction of a second to halt her hand and then slow just before he made contact with her, attempting to remain gentle. The strength that amount of control took was immense. I felt the reminder. The warm blanket. His touch was as light as a feather by the time his hand met hers.

The girl startled. I startled. I may have gasped as I sat on the purple couch, watching, feeling. Regret and apologies flushed through the girl and fear that she had lost something she had never truly obtained flooded her. Apologies sputtered and cheeks flushed. Throats coated with venom while eyes coated with stubborn tears. Both lovers swallowed thickly. Such a mess. Such a battle. Neither told the other what they were experiencing. One fled to the trees while the other silently cursed herself. Both felt shame. Neither spoke.

The images flickered out of focus as if the memory were disappearing just as the immortal reappeared. He sat, apologised, and lifted his hand to slide in under the girl's hair and curl it around the back of her head.

_Gentle. Cherish. Love. Remember…always remember. _

He cradled everything he knew that was precious about her life in his palms and he revered her. Her heartbeat steadied again and he found solace. He opened his eyes and his lips moved very slowly, too slowly for the words to enter my fading consciousness, but I already knew what he said. He comforted and reassured the frightened girl that she had done nothing wrong, and that he was just trying to ease himself into the feeling of her on his skin. His eyes were creamy and soft. His smile was guarded again but genuine at the same time. She tried to recoil on herself, but he didn't let her. He needed the warm blanket just as much as she did. He never wanted it to leave.

And then the images washed away slowly like sands in a receding tide, and I was left with a crushing sense of loss–a feeling so great it obliterated everything else in me. All the apprehension and all the over-thinking. Loss bled through me and pricked my fingertips, my eyes, and my toes. My lips pulled back over my teeth, and I snarled at the feeling. It was empty. It was raw. It was devastating.

I suddenly recalled the little girl who jumped from a cliff to end her own nothingness. The girl who led me back to Edward. I had been compelled to catch her and fight for her because I never did that for my own human self. The shining light of the human girl who lay in that meadow had been slaughtered twice over. Edward left and most of me died inside. The emptiness. The oblivion tinged with uselessness. The unworthiness and the devastation of being left with remnants of a life where there had once been a joy greater than all else. How was I supposed to have moved on from that? I didn't even try. I let the rest float away. I let his absence overpower everything else in what truly was not even a life after he left. I let him kill me. I wandered into the forest. I lay down and let myself be betrayed one last time by the bite that would tear me away forever from anything that could have potentially saved me. I died twice. Two people were to blame. I had to be fair about that.

The loss, the regret, the joy, the realisation…it all floated away as smoothly as it had come. Neither the happy nor the dark memories were with me any longer. Only their ghosts, reminding me that I had just felt something intense, yet could no longer feel it. I opened my eyes from underneath my sunglasses and realised that my hand was in fact stretched out in front of me, casually stretched out, fingers softly stroking the air.

There was no more pacing black blur atop the stairwell. Before me, leaned up against the iron railing at the edge of the loft over looking the dance floor, was Viktor. His eyes were vibrant red, bloody, and penetrating mine knowingly. He looked deeper than perhaps he ever had into me, shown the way by Edward's appearance. Everything I had ever _not _told him lay just outside the club walls, and we both knew it now. I was going to go to him. And Viktor was mourning me already. His eyes saw me but they were also seeing through me, beyond to a time where I would no longer be sitting on the purple couch beside him.

My mind chased circles around itself trying to formulate something to say about the matter but everything seemed unnecessary. Anything I could string together would be a poor phrasing of everything he was already accepting.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, not needing to be quite so quiet, but feeling like it was appropriate.

"As am I, Isobel." His eyes looked at mine, but I didn't feel like he was there. I couldn't help but wonder if that was the way he had felt about me over the last several years while he struggled to help me. To find me. All his effort and support. I was leaving it behind me. I hoped he knew I was grateful all the same.

My own eyes were dark. They had never been as vibrant was Viktor's were, given the stark difference in our eating habits, yet now they were nearly black. I was starving. I didn't need a mirror to know that. Everything about me was in need of something, and I was fulfilling none of my needs by staying seated on the couch. It was time to act.

I stood, and while the motion felt slow, it most certainly wasn't. I was hesitant to make the uneasy situation any worse than it already was by lingering.

_A clean break._

Both of our eyes shot to the club doorway at the same time as it cracked open and shut faster than it was usually capable of doing. My eyes took zero time to adjust to the rapid assault of light and the re-emergence of black as I saw Edward standing there. He was stiff and composed. His eyes were respectfully and non-confrontationally aimed at the floor, but his head was angled slightly in a way that made it obvious to me that he was monitoring Viktor's thoughts.

Vik's hands curled in on themselves and his lip pushed back in snarl, but he did not move. His eyes found mine again, and there wasn't even a question, there was just a bitter acceptance. For someone who was used to fighting and dominating, he was remarkably good at honouring my decisions. He had always been kind and gentle to me. He had always cared for me even when I clearly did not. I was sad to hurt him and to leave him. But the two pieces of me could not coexist, and so I had to follow through with the decision to walk one path while leaving behind the other. The ghosts of the intensity I had felt that day in the meadow burned through me enough that I knew I was doing the right thing, regardless of what the outcome may turn out to be. My place could no longer be denied.

"Thank you, Viktor, truly. I genuinely don't know where I would be or what state I would exist in if it weren't for you. I owe you more than I could ever repay."

"As do I," Edward gently added in a hoarse whisper. His head hadn't moved from where it hung, looking at his own feet while watching everything Viktor had ever heard, seen, and imagined about me as it raced through his mind upon my departure.

"You will know where to find me if you are ever in need, Isobel. Please, do not lie down like that ever again. You are worth much more than that. I know this. I hope you do as well. If you need me, I will be right here just as I was before." The hatred and insinuation in his tone combated the genuine sincerity of his words, and there was little doubt as to the threats he was making regarding Edward. Edward, to his credit, nodded in silent agreement.

I knew Edward would not like it, but I felt compelled, and so I crossed the loft and wrapped my arms around the tall, sturdy man who had seen to it that I survived even when I tried my hardest not to. Viktor's arms laced behind my back, and I felt the moment of hesitation in them as they gripped and did not want to release, but they did. His palms glided slowly down my sides and rested at my hips. His eyes gazed into mine one last time. Somewhere in the darkest, quietest pieces of my mind I wondered if pain was all I was capable of bringing those I cared for.

I offered a weak smile which went unreturned as he pulled his hands from me at the same time that I turned to take the stairs slowly, almost at a human pace, the need to push past the moment as well as linger battling inside me along with everything else. Immorality was a constant war.

Eventually, I was in front of Edward. His head finally rose to greet me, but beyond that he did not look overly expectant or victorious, which I was grateful for. Of course he had _heard _the decision through Viktor as he watched me while I silently came to it. Viktor had been bracing himself. I was sure his thoughts were agonizingly loud. I wasn't surprised to find Edward at the door of the club waiting, but I was glad he was allowing me the time and space I would need to walk away cleanly. It was going to be the only chance Edward and I had at salvaging anything.

It would be the first of many cleansing steps.

The next was going to have to be his.

* * *

It's progress, right?

Realistic.

It can't be an overnight deal.

But the memory scene killed me. I wanna make more memories for these two.

*starts next chapter immediately*

Love me through it...

xox


	24. Lost

Long overdue, I know...

If it helps to assuage the agony, please know...I will never abandon this story. It haunts and consumes me. I just refuse to do it a hurried injustice and, well...life is busy. But here it is.

Love me,

xox

* * *

EPOV

She was going to give me a chance. I could tell by the way her eyes deflected to the ground and a hint of her former self shone through–the bashful sort of way she once had when her thoughts made her cheeks colour with blush–and I truly, genuinely believed it was a look only I could draw from her. Only now, her cheeks would never colour no matter how affected she was. It was one less sign I was going to have in my arsenal to help me win the eternal battle of understandingBella Swan.

_One less souvenir of her humanity._ It was an idea I was going to have to grow accustomed to, a life I was going to have to silently mourn, but more importantly, it was a rebirth I was desperate to become a part of.

She stood before me in the doorway of the club as Viktor loomed above, his thoughts a dangerous mixture of heartbreak and malevolence. He had already begun grieving his loss. A _very small _part of me sympathized. Losing Bella was the single worst event of my existence. I knew the agony. The desperation. The helplessness. I knew how it toyed with your mind and tore at your heart. I knew the dangers of sinking that low. However, that male had no claim to her. She was never his to have _or _to lose. His superficial attachment to her paled in comparison to the potential Bella and I could have if only we could get our act together.

"May I?" I whispered for no other reason than the gravity of the situation seemed to constrict my otherwise perfect vocal chords. My eyes remained glued to Bella's, her face inches from mine. So close, and yet, never close enough.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw my own movement. My hand slowly floating from my side to hers, palm open, praying she accepted my invitation, not knowing if I could keep a rein on my devastation if she didn't. Knowing I didn't have a choice.

I knew she would notice the subtle movement and recognise it for what it was. Her mind was fast now. She could stare into my eyes, ponder my intentions, debate her own, take vigilant survey of her surroundings, chase her own splintering thoughts, and still have the capacity to notice my movement, assess it, and weigh the pros and cons implied in accepting my proffered hand. It would all happen in a fraction of a second, yet it would be plenty of time for Bella to arrive at a conscious decision as to whether or not she wanted to join me or reject me. If I had a functioning heart it would have been trying to pound its way from my chest; with so much riding on the outcome, that second seemed like an entire human lifetime. My eyes silently petitioned my cause as my hand moved closer. I was acutely aware of how much I had hurt her over the years, but if she could just grant me one last grace…

The Earth paused on its axis. I wasn't sure whose thoughts I was more conscious of, my own or Viktor's, as his screamed appeals for Bella to dismiss me and return to him, knowing she wouldn't. He had always known she wasn't his.

Between my own awareness and Viktor's vantage point, I easily detected the moment of hesitation in Bella's rigid body. Her fingers twitched and a deep breath rose and fell in her chest. Her thoughts were guarded behind lock and key, I was uneasy until I felt the silken pressure of her fingers sliding over the heel of my palm and slipping between my own. It was a salve on an open wound–a promise of more relief that may come if we worked hard enough for it. If _I _worked hard enough.

While her hand resting inside mine was encouraging, she made no other move to step forth into the night and into our freedom, hopefully our future. Rather, she pulled back on my hand as my feet began to carry me forward on impulse, desperate to leave the stifling club and all of its horrors behind us.

"You realise you've given me no reason to trust you," she whispered between her clenched teeth, eyes fierce. Her words were a whisper, as if she were trying to keep the interaction between the two of us, an absolute impossibility with another vampire twenty feet above our heads.

"I know," I admitted quickly. Any hesitation on my part and her comforting little hand would slip backward through my fingers forever. "And yet, I pray that you will." My lower lip trembled. The emotion was hard to restrain–harder than anything I had ever fought against in the past. Harder than resisting her blood. Her body. Her soul. Because she was wrong and every piece of me longed to explain as much, to begin the fight that was inevitable, then and there. But it wasn't the right time, and I understood that.

Still, I couldn't help the natural way my thoughts traveled. After all, as far as I was concerned I had given her every reason to trust me. The fact that she lived beyond the first day I met her was one reason. Every sunrise she saw after spending the night unconscious and vulnerable in my arms was a testament to my love and her worthy trust. That I fought against every fibre of my being to honour the promise I made to her in the woods outside her house and stay away. That I valued the agony of loss and treasured her memory more than the ease of allowing the little jungle witch to erase it from my mind was a pretty goddamn good reason to trust me. Hunting her, fearing for her safety, consumed with finding her, _praying _for her to a God I otherwise avoided at all costs... She knew very little of the details regarding any of that. As far as Bellawas concerned, I was a betrayer, a liar, and a fraud. I had a plan to prove to her otherwise, but first, she had to follow me out into the open world.

I tried my hardest to keep these thoughts concealed, but immortal eyes miss nothing, and flashes of my conflicting beliefs travelled across my face. Bella's eyes narrowed on me, and I recognized the challenge they held.

My head shook faintly to indicate I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut. She huffed but let it go, knowing everything would see the light of day soon enough. Silently, I rearranged a few of the pieces of my plan accordingly. I wasn't sure if she was going to allow me the opportunity, but if and when she did, I was going to have to strike hard and fast with the truth. She wasn't going to tolerate anything less.

Bella pushed passed me and onto the small concrete landing at the base of the stairwell leading to the sidewalk. I followed with relief as the door banged with finality behind us. Viktor's thoughts revealed he was shattered–broken and in agony–but resigned. He would not be following us…not tonight. He was a business man and recognized a failed venture when met with one. He longed to keep Bella for himself, an idea that made my gut wrench, but he was not prepared to detain her against her will. In the back of his mind, however, swirled a dark strand of hope that she would return to him after entertaining me. He would be willing to wait a very long time. I did my best to disregard the unsettling idea.

"So…?" Bella muttered and raised one shoulder in a shrug as we stood at the base of the concrete stairwell. She kicked at a stone near her feet and refused to make eye contact with me. Vampires rarely fidgeted, yet in the very limited experience I had with Bella as an immortal, I found that she did, likely out of habit. It was comforting somehow.

We climbed the stairs slowly, though my mind raced. I wished I knew what to do next. I wished I could let my guard down and be myself again, the way I had only ever been with Bella, but more because I would no longer be consumed by fears. I wanted to wrap my arms around her for a few moments before we embarked on the journey that was sure to be painful for us both no matter which angle we approached it from. Maybe hold her for a few days instead of a few moments… What difference would it make in the end, whether we persevered or not, if we took some time first to remember why we were worth fighting for, why we had anything in the first place, before we inevitably devastated each other with the stupid words of truth? Wouldn't the pain be that much easier to bear if we paved the way with reminders of our love first? Surely, it couldn't do any harm. But seeing the steel look in her eyes, I knew that was an impossible request. She was all business and wouldn't entertain any other notion until our _business _was settled…if ever, after that.

"We can't stay here," she said flatly without looking back at me. We both understood why. It was too risky. There were too many immortals on both sides lurking around, charged and waiting for any reason to intervene or launch into a fight. The hunt for Bella had been agonizing, and by this point in time many individuals felt highly invested. We had to move. To be alone.

"Well, I don't know much of the area besides that back alley over there," I nodded in the direction of my damp little prison. That I knew well. The pattern of every cobweb wrapped around every light fixture and what time of evening each merchant threw their black bags of trash out the back door. Anything outside of that didn't make much of an impression before I came across Bella. I had literally been sprinting aimlessly with Emmett through the city as a means to an end, working off one of Dimitri's leads, when Bella's scent and her image in Viktor's thoughts stopped me dead in my tracks. From that moment on, I knew nothing but Bella inside those four walls and the alley I was willingly relegated to.

"I don't know much except for the buildings under Viktor's control, which I suppose we should avoid." She still refused to look at me.

I wracked my brain, combing in reverse through the run I had with Emmett as we entered the city. While I hadn't consciously stored any information on our area, anything my eyes had seen first-hand would be held with precision somewhere within my mind. I just had to access the information.

We ran by a gravel road turnoff toward a national park. There was a stone sign with the name Sumava painted on it, and the distance markers for the trails indicated the park was expansive. It was to our immediate southeast.

I felt Bella's eyes on me in the brief moment it took for me to rake over my own thoughts. I appreciated that she was allowing me the privacy I never afforded anyone but her, even though I knew from experience how aggravating it was not to be privy to someone's thoughts when it mattered the most. If I could have, I would have taken up permanent residence inside Bella's mind; it was purely out of a twisted stroke of misfortune that I was locked out.

"Will you follow me?" I asked, still unsure that she would.

"Well…I don't have any intention of running in the opposite direction at this point in time, if that's what you're asking." I wasn't sure if she was serious or trying to lighten the mood with a little humour. Either way, I couldn't force my mouth into a polite smile, so I turned and began running toward the park.

Bella followed me, clinging to the shadows of the city. The dark water that collected in the gutters splashed up our legs without much notice. While navigating the busy nightlife of the city, we slipped with caution in and out of speed. Bella was seamless. As we ran, I wondered if Bella's immortality and how naturally it seemed to come by her would ever stop catching me off guard, fascinating me–forcing me to contemplate things I wasn't sure I found comforting or terrifying. To admit it had all been a mistake, that Bella undoubtedly belonged in my world, would be to admit to so much unnecessary pain.

The buildings and noise began to fade behind us. Bella stayed close. I didn't run at my full capacity despite knowing she had it in her to out–pace me if properly motivated. I wasn't sure if it was her rage that propelled her that day as she fled from my house or a natural ability. Either way, I sensed she was not operating at one hundred percent, and I didn't want to push her too far.

Asphalt turned into rubble which dissolved into the land, and in no time at all we were scaling the rough forest terrain on the southeastern border of Czech Republic and Austria as far as I could tell. The park was a scattering of pined forests and waterways, cross-sectioned by soaring slate-grey sandstone canyon walls and roaring waterfalls. The sky overhead was black where it peeked through the dense canopy. Our feet flew without hesitation or error across moss-covered floors and over slippery rocks. A river snaked around trees to our right, and on our left the woods closed in on us the farther we ran, offering us peace and distance from any human interference.

The forest was teeming with wildlife, and the idea of it scorched the back of my dry throat. I slowed down first when we reached what I approximated to be the centre of the park. I came to a complete stop, but Bella travelled a bit further, her feet skating across the boulders lining the riverbed beside us. I had to remind myself not to caution her for safety's sake or to race closer in case of an accident. She was unbreakable now. Despite everything I had put us through, despite nearly breaking her myself, she proved stronger than any of that.

That was perhaps the best place to start inside my own mind–reminding myself of my own ignorance. I used to remark that Bella was the most stubborn creature I had ever encountered, but perhaps that title was better suited for me. My stubbornness cost us both greatly. Not only us, but every member of my immediate and extended family had been hurt by my poor, impetuous decisions. There was no use trying to enter this conversation without first admitting to that. I needed to face my mistakes with the appropriate amount of humility and repentance. Lord knew I was brimming with it.

Time stretched out between us as if it were tangible. I could nearly see it swirling around with the mist and fog, subtly driving us farther apart the longer she stayed hundreds of meters in front of me, perched as still as marble on the edge of the rocks, head bowed, with her back to me. I wanted to allow her time and space without pressure, but I had no way of knowing if that was what she wanted or if she was hoping I would take the leap and make the first move. It was such a frantic impasse wanting everything all at once…things I had no right to desire.

When my patience finally got the better of me, I approached. Slowly. My feet crunched on the dried leaves and twigs as they stayed long enough to sink into the sodden earth under my weight before I moved on. It wasn't quite a human pace but nor was it the pace of an impatient immortal. It was the pace of a man with a heavy heart and a desperate soul. A soul that Bella once tried to convince me I had in my possession and which, after feeling it shattered and frayed so many times since, I had come to at least entertain the idea that she may have been right all along…about everything.

I knew she heard my approach but she didn't show it. I watched as her back expanded and retracted slowly with each unnecessary breath, and I wondered why she did it. I didn't think she cared as much as my family and I about human pretences. From what I could tell, both before she ran into me and after, she had lived a closer to natural existence for our kind than I ever had with any regularity. Even in my darkest days I retained my practiced human façade to get closer to my human prey. I came to the conclusion that immortality did not alter Bella in many of the significant ways it touched the rest of us. She was every bit the human girl I knew from the rainy little town in Washington State. But she was also so much more–more indestructible, more emotional, more easily distracted, overwhelmed, and confused. The onslaught of immortality bound all that she was and wrapped it in a thick layer of _more _but every so often her former self shone through. I was tempted to refer to her as "similar yet stronger" in my thoughts, but that didn't feel right. The Bella I knew may have been physically fragile, but she bore an inner fortitude that far surpassed my own pitiful weaknesses. She had always been strong.

Her hair blew around her shoulders and back, mesmerizing me. I remembered the exact softness of it and craved its feel on my fingertips, between my fingers, against my cheek. I had no idea if she would ever again allow me to touch her, but in that moment the desperation that had been building for the last several years peaked and my entire body ached with the need to feel her, real and close and safe. I had to find a way to make her listen. I was anxious to get there.

"Do you want me to…?" I hedged drawing out the words, unsure where to start and how to convince her I was worth it. My ultimate fear was that she would decide it was pointless to listen to me, to forgive me, to try for _anything_. That she would walk away. Not run. Slow and calculated. It would truly be the end of me. There would be no reason to exist beyond that.

"No," she quickly spat back, whipping around. Her eyes were such an angry fire that if I had any less resolve to fix this, I would have been staggered by them. As it was, I didn't flinch. I knew I couldn't. She had every right to be furious. And scared, which I could easily tell she was. I was going to have to exercise complete control over reactions in order to not ward her off again. It was the ultimate test for me.

"Okay." I mashed my lips together, knit my brows, and tried another approach. "Do you want me to say anything at all, Bella?" Her name felt at home on my lips. It had been whispered a hundred thousand times in my mind since the day I met her. "Or would you prefer I wait?" I was prepared to give her anything she wanted.

There was nothing but a very charged silence between us. She lowered herself to sit cross-legged on the edge of rock, staring at her lap, watching her fingers twist and knot against each other. The river behind her glistened and blinked as it flowed by. Her face was sombre, and the moonlight shone on her in a very peaceful way. If my mind wasn't such a riot of emotion and panic, the moment would have been beautiful. Unfortunately, for all my immortal stealth, my body was heavy and cumbersome, wooden, but the wood was afire. My lips twitched and my eyes were unsettled. My nerve-endings burned more than they ever did through the agony of transformation. _Nervous_ didn't even begin to touch on how I felt. Petrified would be a more apt description.

Her breaths were irregular. Her features were hesitant. As I sat there, tormented and unsure where to begin, looking at her in the moonlight, I had never felt such a contradictory combination of lost and found in all my life. She was all I wanted…ever. Before I knew she walked the Earth and before she entered my life…it had always been her.

The first time I met Bella Swan she was alluring. Her blood beckoned to me and her mind intrigued me, while her character and wit kept my happy attention. I fell in love, for the first and only time in either of my lives, with her tenderness and compassion. But she was a human, and I knew somewhere deep inside myself that I couldn't have her the way I longed to. She was made for my consumption, not for my companionship. Every moment spent with her was a bittersweet torture. I cherished our time, yet always felt our days were numbered, even if I tried desperately to convince myself otherwise. It had to be.

_It had to be? _

Bella was placed in mortal danger several times before I found the strength to separate us. Even then, I longed for her. I wanted to go back. I wanted to see her, smell her, hide from her in the shadows, and watch her be human and happy. Smile when she smiled. Ache when she laughed. Know that it was for the best. I fantasized about it during our separation–lurking in the dark, silently shadowing her as she went about her day. I envisioned college, a job, homework and grocery shopping, mundane errands that had her driving about the city. I tried to picture her with a family of her own. Birthday parties she would have never had with me while I looked on in appreciation and longing, forcing myself to be content with my decision. _My decision. _Only recently, since the immortal hunt for her, had I come to realise the error in acting so unilaterally.

And now, there she was. Unblinking, barely breathing, and immortal. She was the embodiment of perfection to me, _for _me. She was everything I was always too afraid to want combined with everything she always was. And the silence was overwhelming. All I wanted to do was rush through the crap and get to the end where we were happy and everything was forgotten, although I knew that wasn't fair. I was going to have to put in the hard work that it took to get to that point if our botched happily ever after had any hope of coming true. So, I lowered myself to a relaxed crouch in front of her, leaning my back against a tree and my elbows on the tops of my knees, waiting, demonstrating the patience she knew was impossibly hard to come by. Truthfully, I would sit against that tree for an eternity content to just look upon her if that was all she had in her to offer me. And I would consider myself fortunate.

"I have a lot to say, Edward, but...I'm just not ready yet. I don't know where to begin, and when I look at you it makes it worse. And better…" Her voice tapered off as if she were ashamed of that.

"Maybe we should consider…" I began but paused as her eyes whipped to mine so fast it startled me. Watching Bella act as an immortal was still an adjustment. She looked critical of what I was going to suggest, as if I had failed already because she was expecting me to. "I was just thinking, before we go any further, we both seem to be slowly starving ourselves. Can we, maybe just…we need to eat."

The last word made me shudder despite my best intentions. Her dull red eyes worried me. I did not have any desire to see _my _Bella taking the life of a human. While the thought singed my throat deeper than my plaguing thirst, the reality sickened me. It would be more than I could bear given that the Bella I encountered years ago in the hospital had been proud of her vegetarian lifestyle. Not for the first time since I found her rotting away, captive in that night club, I wondered what the hell had happened since I last saw her. My all-consuming guilt was closely linked to my sense of accountability.

"You want to go hunting? Together? Before we have even said more than two dozen words to one another? Do you really think that's wise, Edward?"

Hunting together was a rather intimate activity for my kind. It also required a lot of trust.

"We need to." The red ring around her pupils was but a mere thread. Her eyes were predominantly blackened, and there were thick purple smears across the tops of her porcelain cheeks, spider-webbing against her skin in the tell tale sign of my kind's absolute starvation.

"_You _need to," she countered stubbornly, crossing her arms against her chest and looking away. Despite her scowl, the memory of how obstinate she could be made me smile.

I closed my eyes briefly, enjoying the recollection, until a fire skittering across my cheekbones startled me. I was lost in thought. I didn't register the sound of movement until after the fact. Two of Bella's fingers were tracing the purple welts I knew to be beneath my own eyes. It had been a very long time since I fed as well.

Her features remained impassive as her fingertips slid over my skin, and I longed more than ever to know what was inside her mind. No matter how brief and chaste the contact, it was powerful. Everything inside me reached out and silently begged her to reach back. Her eyes stayed trained on the movements of her own fingers, but a ghost of a smile played at her lips. Hope swelled inside my cold chest, whether I had the right to hope for anything or not.

"What would we be hunting?" I tried my best to keep my tone level, but the twitch in her brow told me that I failed, and she detected the disapproval underneath. I felt remorseful for that, but honesty wasn't always going to be pretty. In fact, it was sure to get a whole lot messier before everything was over. So I choked back the apology that reflexively tried to claw its way from my mouth and instead waited for her reply.

She snapped her fingers back to her side and her entire expression hardened. "Oh, I don't know…maybe that cat about four hundred yards west of here? Or is that not your favourite anymore?"

Her tone left little room for interpretation. She was offended and patronizing. But yes, truth be told, that _was_ what I was chasing once we had broken the tree line and began running down the green belt. I smelled it immediately and figured it was likely to be the largest animal I could catch that close to the city and longed to sink my famished teeth into it. But then I remembered Bella's blood-red irises and the mountain of pain we had yet to scale and froze. And there we were.

"I told you we should talk first," she purred in a mature and graceful way that conflicted with the Bella in my memories. Her arms crossed over her chest and her lips pursed.

I ran the tip of my tongue across the underside of my top teeth, tasting the venom that began dripping from them as I chased my meal through the trees before stopping short. I swallowed and the sound was thick and obvious.

"Go get it. You need it more than I do. Besides, I have a lot of practice at being nutrient-deficient." She offered me a weak smile.

I began to protest, but she held her palm up and told me to go. So I went. It felt unnatural to run away from Bella after years scouring the Earth for her, but she was right, I hadn't fed since entering the city and that was weeks ago. I was toeing the line of functionality, and I was going to need my strength to fight for her, and for _us, _once we began that conversation. I pushed everything from my mind, every question, every doubt, all the fear, and pursued my meal.

My limbs moved like lead, and I felt unsettlingly uncoordinated as half of myself was left behind me, but I followed through with the necessary motions so that we could move on.

It wasn't enough to sate me, but it was enough to ease the burn so that I could refocus on more important matters. I wiped the back of my hand across my lips as the animal fell from my fingertips, neck snapped, claws still extended. It created a dull thud as it hit the soggy forest floor, and I became aware of an audience I hadn't paid any mind to while I was drinking from the lynx. I whirled around, hand still pressed against my lips, in an unintentionally protective crouch. I knew it was Bella, but my body reacted faster than my mind, and once the two found a balance I straightened my posture and pulled my hand from my mouth.

"Sorry," I mumbled, looking down at my hand. I licked the remnant blood from it and looked back up at her. Her legs swung from the tree branch she sat on, but the look on her face did not match the innocence in her body language.

"That's all you want?" she asked from her position on the tree branch. Her stockings were snagged, and ripped in places and her skin was a perfect alabaster where it peeked through. Her question was the most difficult things anyone had ever asked me. My heart was dead, but it broke a little in that moment contemplating all that it truly wanted.

"It will suffice," I forced myself to say.

"Suit yourself." She hopped down, landing inches from me. Her eyes were guarded, yet they softened a little once they met mine. They inspired. For, if they could soften upon seeing me, there had to be something more inside of her than she was letting on. She was hurt and protecting herself. She had every right and warrant, but I was determined to make my way into her heart once again.

"What about you?" I had to ask.

She averted her eyes. She knew what I was asking. She was ashamed.

She scoffed and took a few steps to the side, kicking at rocks and moss. I didn't push her. I didn't even move.

It happened slowly. With each kick of her foot and shuffle of her body she grew closer to me. I watched as her eyes studied me.

Her fingertip briefly touched my jaw before she pulled it back. For the first time in over a century, I would have sworn I could feel the coldness of my own skin as her touch retreated, leaving me wanting.

"You need more."

Of course, she was right, but more than that, I recognised her need to find a common ground, something easy she could comment on. A reason to touch me.

Before I could contemplate it further she tore off across the stone, scaling the river ahead of us in a single leap. It took only a moment before I reacted, hurdling across the water and following her trail with speed and precision. Bella ran like the wind, only faster and more gracefully than anything God ever created, in my blasphemous and spellbound opinion.

We weren't hunting just yet, only running. Our feet made no sound as they briefly touched down and then retreated before any impression, audible or otherwise, could be left. The only sounds as we ran through the forest were that of the nature milling about and the occasional swallowing sound as we rid our mouths of the venom pooling in anticipation of our hunt. We bypassed a small grouping of Red Deer as they lapped from a creek, oblivious to our presence. The forest was relatively sparse, and I wasn't confident there would be anything larger inside it after I had already taken down the cat. As the distance between us and the deer grew, so did my worry.

"It just feels good, Edward. It's been a long time since I just ran." She didn't look at me as she answered my unspoken question and I didn't wonder if she was in my head or not. Whether she was or wasn't it was of no concern to me, she was welcome to anything she may find in there…it would all be hers in time anyway.

I intentionally ran several feet behind her, eyes bouncing between watching where I was going and losing myself staring at her. Admittedly, I had no idea what she had been through over the last several years…or even decades if I was being fully honest with myself.

We ran in that manner for hours, lapping the park, weaving through the forest, and bounding off rock walls. The wind in our face was liberating. Once Bella ran without letup in front of me, and I watched with a mix of wonder and horror as the land fell away from her feet and she catapulted into the air. Although I was too far behind to see what was ahead beyond the cliff's edge, I trusted her and had the frantic need to follow after her no matter what. I quickened my steps and launched blindly into the air, landing in a crouch directly behind her. She was waiting for me. She looked over her shoulder with a sly smirk, and my thoughts sputtered to a halt. Everything inside and around me stilled. It was similar to the very first time I laid eyes on her only so much better. She was all there was, and she was remarkable.

Both her hands were firmly planted into the mud waiting to spring back into her run. The wind whipped her hair around her head and over her shoulder before settling it against her arm. I watched for a moment, remembering the first time I dared to twist a piece of it around my finger, the way it felt, the way I fought the natural urge to use it as a tether to yank her closer to me, bringing her delicious blood nearer to my lips. I was always fighting. And as long as I was fighting and never truly honest with myself, my nature, and with her, then we never stood a chance. This life had to be different.

I tore my eyes from the auburn prisms glittering off her hair where the sun stroked it and met her questioning eyes. I landed in a similar stance to hers, both palms pushing against the dirt ten feet behind her, knees bent, toes ready to spring–and in that moment everything inside me wanted to pounce on her for so many different reasons. I wanted to drive her into the ground with the weight of my body and hold her there, beneath me for an eternity, just knowing she was close. She was so beautiful, so complicated, so damaged. She was everything that every immortal always was, yet underneath it all, she was just _Bella_, and I wanted her. Not despite everything but because of it. She was my mate. And that would always be forever.

"You're incredible." I was sure my lips moved but I wasn't sure if I actually vocalised anything, I was so lost in her. My fingers curled beneath my palms and dug deeper into the sodden earth. Whether it was in an attempt to stay put or to gain a more solid purchase for launching myself at her, I wasn't sure. In that moment nothing and everything was clear all at the same time.

My enraptured face was an open doorway into everything inside me. I was bared before her as she held my one-hundred percent rapt attention. I _knew _Isabella Swan was an immortal. I had a brief encounter with her in the past. I hunted her. I envisioned her in my mind's eye every moment of my existence. There is a difference between knowing something and experiencing it. In that brief moment I was experiencing the splendour of understanding that the woman I fell in love with a lifetime ago, the human girl who haunted and tortured me, the one who restored and then broke me, was no longer a danger to me, to herself, to my family. She was a blessing, a gift, a miracle.

Thoughts flew between us without sound for what felt like a very long time as we did nothing but absorb the other. And then she darted off. A quiet litany of profanity left my lips as I stood and ran as fast as I could after her, refusing to remain behind her any longer.

She only had a moment's head start, and I caught her easily. The scent of the herd of deer we passed earlier caught my attention. I decided to forgo asking her about her diet and sustain myself further, praying she would follow suit.

I was seamless as my arms wrapped around the body of the deer, rolling with it to the ground, snapping its neck and sinking my teeth in at the same time. I was faster than Bella. The rest of my meal's herd scampered away noisily after I took down their friend. I watched over the animal's neck as I emptied it. Bella was almost a blur in front of me as she passed, not far behind the other animals as they fled. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of an animal being taken down, its bones crunching and its flesh tearing. The warm fluid slid over my tongue and down my throat, spreading inside me. Relief flooded through me with an equal sense of warmth as I listened to Bella drink.

After finishing, I stood, tidied my pants and shirt, and left to find Bella. I walked at a human pace, wanting to give her some space. Her dress was torn and there was blood on her cheek and neck. She stood cleaning herself up before looking at me while I watched, captivated by every detail of her movements.

"I'm a little out of practice," she whispered looking down at her marred clothing.

A snarl rolled in my chest at her words while I concentrated on her eyes, willing the animal blood to wash away the slender ring of crimson immediately even though I knew it wouldn't.

"I haven't hunted for myself in a while, Edward. That's all I meant."

And that was it. We were standing at the gate to everything important, all of the darkness we had been side-stepping by running and hunting and delaying. Thirst abated, there was nothing left to do but talk. Much had to be said. An overwhelming amount of pain was going to be unleashed in both directions. It was enough to exhaust me at the thought even if technically I was incapable of tiring. I was afraid, but Bella crossed under the gate's threshold without further hesitation. I had no choice but to follow.

"I know what you're thinking. Of course I do… But, for what it's worth, I didn't kill anybody. I could never. I _have _never. I would expect you of all people to know that."

I never thought she had despite the contradictory tale her eyes told. Somehow, I couldn't reconcile the idea of Bella murdering innocents to satisfy her thirst when, by her own admission, she hadn't even done that in her neophyte days.

"Viktor, he…he would hunt and then come to me. He…" Her eyes fell even further to the floor and if she were human I knew her skin would be glowing with a fiery blush–I knew that body language so very well. Her embarrassment hurt me. I could only guess what it meant. I didn't have any right to feel the sting of betrayal, but that didn't stop me. I looked away from her, glad she wasn't paying attention to me in my moment of weakness against her words, or lack thereof, while my mind spiralled down a dark, abandoned staircase.

_He fed her. He kept her alive. _

I tried my hardest to feel grateful that she was before me because he had seen to her needs in the only way an ordinary vampire knew how. Still, flashes of what such a situation might look like flickered like an old eight millimetre in front of my eyes–of what _more_ likely occurred. In my kind, bloodlust and passionate lust are intrinsically connected.

_If Viktor hunted, and then came directly to Bella…to feed her, to aide her, he wanted her, she needed him…_

I had to close my eyes against the onslaught of pain, hoping the blackness would blot out the images I had already seen in Viktor's mind but which hadn't made sense until Bella's admission. Things I stubbornly refused to believe.

I inhaled through my nose deeply. It provided my body with a semi-convincing illusion of calm. I opened my eyes and lifted them cautiously to Bella's, knowing before I did so that she was now looking at me, waiting for a reaction. Her eyes were cold and piercing, and any ground we gained earlier felt lost. She was challenging me to comment, to castigate her.

I restrained every gut reaction I was battling. The hurt. The disbelief. I swallowed thickly and nodded once. She relaxed noticeably but lifted a single eyebrow in question. I shrugged. I had no right to be judgemental. I had no right to be anything. Not yet.

"Okay." I felt I should say something to relieve her of the pressure but that was all I could muster. I refused to allow myself to say any more for fear I would not be able to stop the wrong things from tumbling out, things that would hamper my attempt at repair. So, I closed my eyes again to erase the images and the pain and the words. And Bella moved. Somehow, after the shared moment at the base of the cliff, I was no longer afraid of her running away from me, or us. I felt that no matter how many steps forward and then backward we moved through during this process, we were both committed to seeing it through until the end at the very least. My eyes remained closed as I listened to her very slowly come toward me.

"I'm not going to make excuses for it. I was weak." She drew closer. "My head was clouded." I was afraid to open my eyes. I didn't want to interrupt her advance. "Everything inside me hurt more than it ever had. I could barely remember who I was, and yet I couldn't make myself forget _you _no matter how hard I tried. It is what it is and I can't change it, okay?"

The idea that she thought she owed me an apology was too much to ignore. It was absurd. I opened my eyes to find her an arm's reach in front of me. My fingers twitched noticeably at my sides in longing. "I don't want you to make excuses, Bella. I'm not asking for any nor do I deserve them. Besides, my slate is a little less than clean if you recall."

She made a noise that said she remembered but didn't elaborate.

I felt so lost and afraid in that moment. So sure I wanted her but confused on how exactly to make that happen. How to air everything and still forge onward after it was all said and done and in the open. We seemed so far apart, changed, _older. _We barely resembled the two people who first met in a high school biology room what felt like several lifetimes ago.

Bella hadn't looked away from me. She was very close. Layers of her conviction and confidence peeled away slowly and landed at her feet. Underneath them all, she was just as hurt and confused as I was and I knew…this was it. The beginning. The end? The place where all the truth and hurt lay.

She was looking up at me with her lower lip just slightly trapped between her teeth, and I found a quiet comfort in how similar she was to her former self. My hand finally lost the battle against my control and lifted slowly, giving her ample opportunity to step back. When she didn't, and her eyes remained on mine, I took that as implied permission, and my palm gently cupped her cheek, just barely making contact with her skin. A heat spread through me that pricked at the backs of my eyes and tugged at the strings that dangled, ancient and frayed, from my heart.

"You do so many little things," I began in a coarse whisper, "that you used to do." My thumb ran along her lower lip. Involuntarily, I licked my own, wetting them.

I felt her stiffen underneath my hand, and the tips of my fingers curled tightly under her jaw, my nails digging in to hold her in place. "Please don't pull away," I begged. "I know you're hurt. I know you want answers. I know you're uncomfortable being touched right now. But don't be. It's just me." My words settled gently around us as we both granted them time to sink in. She didn't try to pull away again. "I've never known anyone before they became immortal. It's overwhelming to know both sides of the story so well. To be so connected. To feel so much."

"I don't know where to start," she admitted. "There's just a lot pain…and anger."

"I know."

"You have a lot of explaining to do."

"I know."

"I believe you when you say you lied to me that day in the woods. But why didn't you ever check on me?"

My mind was fast, but she threw me for a moment with the abruptness of her question. I pulled my hand back to my side and thought carefully. I wasn't sure what to say and was momentarily thrown. It wasn't the question I expected her to ask, yet relief washed through me. While it wasn't exactly easy to answer, it was easier than some of the others.

"Stubborn resolve to keep my promise." It was a start, though it was far from the whole truth. "Weakness…?" The words came out sounding like a question when clearly it was not. And it was still lacking substance which she was well aware of. "Fear," I whispered when her eyes narrowed in exasperation. That was the precise truth.

Her eyes wanted clarification.

"I was afraid you would be happy. I know how horrible that makes me sound. I left you claiming to be doing it for your own sake, for your own shot at happiness, and I swear to God I wanted that more than anything, Bella. But I spent decades flip-flopping between praying you actually found that happiness and wanting you to be every bit as miserable without me as I was without you. I don't know what I would have done if I ever checked on you and found you to be either. Staying away was the second hardest thing I had ever done. Second only to walking away from you in the first place. But I had to. If I had any chance at not ruining your life…I had to."

She nodded her head a little as if she appreciated my words but had nothing to contribute as she worked to process them.

"Alice did once," I continued. My words were slow considering the speed I was capable of, but that was the only way I could force them out. Each one was a thistle in my throat. Each one made me bleed a little. Bella looked up at me. "Checked on you, I mean. She saw you with your friend Jacob Black. And then…she tried again later, despite my asking her not to, and…she couldn't see you any longer. Admittedly, I was disappointed. I begged her not to try and watch you but at the end of the day, I secretly hoped she would disobey me. I was desperate for any detail no matter how trivial regarding you. We knew Jacob was a wolf. Alice's vision is limited as far as his kind, she can't see around them. We wrongfully assumed what at the time seemed obvious."

She knew what I meant. And I could tell by her sigh that my original assumption had crossed her mind more than once while she was still human. However, fate dealt her another hand before she could act one way or the other with the wolf. I couldn't help myself from feeling a little grateful. The guilt rode in closely behind the gratitude, because of course, it meant I was grateful for Bella's death and suffering. I was a monster for that. And still…

"Just because you wanted out, why did your family have go with you? I may have had a fighting chance if Alice had been there for me. To lose both of you at the same time destroyed me. It was so unfair."

She was working chronologically through her questions. The pattern, I couldn't help but note, worked in my favour no matter how difficult it was to hear. It meant she would take quite some time to work up to my more serious transgressions. I happily submitted to the format and answered her as quickly and honestly as possible.

"Because I asked them to come. It wasn't without great argument, believe me. Especially, Alice. But in the end, they all followed me because that's what family does. No one ever claimed to be happy with the decision and no one held back from reminding me how wrong they thought I was…for decades. But family sticks together."

Being immortal grants a severely distorted outlook on time. Decades are a blink of an eye. A single moment rarely even registers on the barometer. However, time seemed to run slower when I was in the middle of moments like this with Bella. Both in the past and presently. The wind blew exaggerated movements through hair and leaves. Whistling. Breaths halted. We both stared unblinkingly at one another while my words chased themselves around our minds, and we both knew what wasn't being said. _My family_. Not hers. None of us considered her a part of it.

But how could we have back then? More specifically, what right did _I_ have? She was a human–pristine in her innocence and glorious in her fragility. Her body was already broken and marred irrevocably with wounds from my kind by the time I found the courage to walk away from her. I was ruining her purity, dragging her down to the lows of my kind with every day I spent near her. As she stood there, feeling hurt over the idea that I had not considered her a part of my family, the moonlight glistened off the crescent-shaped bite mark on her wrist and a scar from the night of her birthday party dissected her right bicep, lines in her flesh that weren't entirely erased by immortality, though I doubted any human eyes would detect them.

It wasn't that I didn't consider her my family, it was more that I considered her a different sect of my family, the kind I was going to have to walk away from and never come back. To save her. To do what was best for her. The very same reason that ultimately, my other family members walked away with me. I had no way of knowing what fate had in store for her at the time. All I knew was that I was sure to be her slow demise.

Words were flying out of my mouth faster than they had in weeks as I tried to justify it all to her. As I spoke, she nodded but refused to look at me. I was afraid I wasn't getting through to her, that nothing I said was going to abate the hurt. That it ran too deep.

"I don't know…" I was scrambling already and we had only just begun. "You had your own coven, Bella. Why did you leave them when you found out about me and Tanya? That had to have hurt them."

The air seemed to be literally squeezed from her lungs as it all left in a loud gust while she bore daggers into the fallen tree branch near our feet. "Because…they didn't deserve to be weighed down by the foolishness of my mistakes," she eventually mumbled without meeting my gaze.

"Exactly."

"I was a mistake?" she practically screamed at me, catching me off guard after the quiet intensity that had been slowly building in the moments before. Now she was looking at me.

"No. Yes. I don't know… That's not what I mean. I _made _a great many mistakes as far as you were concerned, Bella. You know what I'm talking about. You were a human. I mishandled everything. I regret nothing more than all the things I ever did wrong as far as you were concerned, which was pretty much everything. But I was so lost in all of it, I had no perspective, no distance to think clearly, nothing to act off of except the way I felt about you and everything that drew me to you, and it was too much, too intense, and all wrong for who you were and what you should have been. I ruined everything and still…_still…_I don't know which step exactly was the misstep that sank everything, all I know is that so much should have been handled differently."

She nodded. I felt like I was losing her, grasping at straws, and we hadn't even gotten to the really hard stuff yet. She didn't seem to understand. Except that she _should _now. Perspective was everything.

Perhaps, begrudgingly, she did, because she seemed to take a moment to calm herself, and then her questions followed in a similar fashion as before–simple, straight-forward, chronological. I did my best to answer with honesty because I was just so goddamned happy she was still talking to me. Occasionally, there was nothing but silence. There were no tricks or ploys. We spoke slowly. Every word and non-word was important. The gravity boxed us in and the air seemed to grow more charged and stagnant the longer we went on. We stood in the centre of the forest and unburdened decades of pain, questions, and answers. We even shared a few stories when they applied and the mood felt right.

The forest noises crescendoed and recessed as the sun rose and ultimately set again somewhere above the treetops. The conversations danced between painful and light, difficult and simple…but the closer we moved toward the recent past the longer our collective pauses drew out. Neither one of us was eager to enter willingly into such pain. Slowly–very, very slowly–her questions grew more complex and agonizing to both answer and hear. Truths were uncovered and regrets were aired. We were growing precariously close to the epicentre. I knew what lay there. She knew what lay there. A long silence hung around us while our minds raced because they didn't know how _not _to.

I watched her closely during one such bout of silence. Her eyes were downcast as she stripped pieces of bark mulch from a nearby tree trunk and shredded them, watching as each piece fell to her feet. Dirt and bark built up underneath her fingernails. When it irritated her enough, she would clean each fingernail with another until they were pristine again and then begin picking at the mulch one more time.

I studied her face, her lips, the way they were slightly open as she thought, the curl of her lower one, and the beautiful rose colour as it contrasted so clearly against her white skin. Her teeth when they were visible through softly parted lips as she pulled air into her lungs out of habit. They were perfect, and I could see the razor's edge to them from where I stood. Everything about her was soft and supple and screamed to me to cherish and protect…and yet was hard and strong and capable at the same time. The now very familiar mixture that had always been Bella. Stubborn. Desperate. Strong. Vulnerable. Loving with her whole heart and soul. Hurting with her whole heart and soul.

I wanted to avoid it, the one thing in each of our unaccounted for pasts that would sting the other the most. So much had already been discussed. I wanted to move on, say forget it, and call it a truce and a non-issue. We could move on together, the way it always should have been if I hadn't messed everything up so thoroughly. Nothing but pain lay out in the open field. We could bypass it…together.

Her lungs filled deeply. Both the noise and the movement of her chest rising abruptly caught my attention. After a long time spent in silence doing nothing but studying her physical features–allowing my mind to wander, to hope, to imagine the way it would feel to touch her again, to be close to her again–her words were like a quiet fog floating poignantly through the air and cracking me open by the seams.

"I want to sit here right now and yell at you about how horrible you are and how much I don't need you. I would like nothing more than to pretend I haven't been hurt so badly by the past, but that just isn't the truth. I am hurt. And everything that needs to be said from here on out is going to be painful. I have decades of anger to unburden, and I refuse to swallow it back again just because you're here in front of me, and you want me, and you don't want to talk about it, and I've always had this uncontrollable need to please you and prove to you that nothing about this life…_our life…_bothers me. We can't build anything on false pretences, so..."

Despite her dismal words, the spark of hope I'd been nursing inside my chest flared as she spoke about "building something" with me. A slow, cautious smile hinted at the left side of my lips. I tried to stifle it, not wanting her to misinterpret it, but a scrap of my delight forced its way through.

Her eyes met my lips and then slowly lifted to my gaze. Any trace of a smile dropped immediately, and I held my breath for a moment, not because I could but because I was worried about her reaction. And then she smiled back. It was guarded and wounded but it was a start.

"There are thoughts running through my mind," she continued in a slightly softer tone. "Questions, things…I want to say them but they make me sound weak, which…ideally I would love to not be right now, but… How can I claim to be strong when I nearly allowed myself to disintegrate into nothing? We both know I'm not. And that wasn't the first time. After you left Forks I nearly died all of my own doing. I gave up completely, drowning in the pain. I terrified poor Charlie. I saw it on his face every time he looked at me. My mom nearly came to stay with us because I refused to leave Forks and she was consumed with worry. I was toxic to everyone and everything around me. Tolerating me was a battle that everyone but my parents and Jake gave up on.

"And then, after I was turned…" She bit her lip and looked to the ground, twisted her lips around until she found the words she wanted to use. "I wanted to go looking for you so badly. I fought it every day. I dug through some of the thickest murk in my memory so I could remember the words you said to me in the woods, to remind myself every day _not _to run after you. That you didn't want me. That I wasn't good enough. That immortality would likely not change anything, and even if it did my wounded pride should be enough to keep me away. The more I reminded myself of your words the easier it became. I recited them daily to keep my feet planted as much as I could, and before I knew it the memory of you leaving me was closer to an immortal memory than a human one. I began remembering it more clearly, analyzing the words more intricately. It took no effort to recall it and was impossible to forget. I lived by it. It defined me.

"_Not _hunting you down, Edward, was the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than changing, harder than walking away from Charlie and my mom, from Jake and my own humanity where, to be honest, I never felt comfortable anyway. It was a constant battle to remind myself to stay with my own coven, to stop thinking of you. I lost the battle all the time and my mind betrayed me. The day I found you at the hospital was the climax of my weakness. Everything was so fuzzy. Every sense I had was somehow both heightened and mottled the moment I set foot through those hospital doors. And all along, something whispered to me, hinting in the back parts of my brain at familiarity. Looking back, I swear I knew you were there and I didn't fight it. Even after I saw you…I could have fled. You had an image to uphold, a life established there. I could have run and there would have been nothing you could have done to stop me without giving yourself up to the humans, which you wouldn't do. But I was too weak. I didn't want to. And in your office, I pretended to be this strong creature. This piece of marble that matched my immortality when the reality of how much pain I have been carrying around since the day you left is the complete opposite."

I couldn't take any more. She had already admitted that immortality granted her enough perspective that she appreciated my decision to leave for what it truly was, an attempt at saving her. She knew I loved her. That I loved her when I walked away, and that I have loved her every single day between then and now. How many times was I going to have to try to explain it to her. It was a mistake. I couldn't change it, and even if I could, the truth was, I doubt I would have. I just wished that when I walked away from her that day I knew then what the future had in store for both of us. I would have done many things differently. But leaving her in Forks as a human…that likely wouldn't have been one of them.

"Bella, leaving Forks did nothing but hurt everybody involved. I will never be able to apologise enough to everyone, especially to you." I took the time to make eye contact. If we had any hope of repairing everything that was broken, it would have to begin there. "My biggest regret in leaving you is that I have somehow caused you to define yourself by weakness when all I ever saw about you was selfless strength and bravery. I'm ashamed to have done that to you, among everything else I've done."

"How could I not, Edward? Do you have any idea what it's like to lose everything all at once?"

It was a question, but it wasn't really. I knew I needed to keep my mouth shut, but inside I was screaming, "Yes, Bella, I do! I know _precisely _how it feels to hold the warm, vibrant universe in my arms one night and have absolutely nothing but agony and blackness and ghosts behind my eyelids haunting me before the sun sets the following day. _I know_!"

I didn't say anything. She wasn't reading my thoughts as far as I could tell. I waited.

"Do you know how lonely being abandoned is? The things is… you couldn't know because no matter what you claim of your own personal loss in all of this heaping mess, Edward, you were the lucky one, you were the one who did the walking away. That's your M.O. You have walked away from your family, your responsibilities, and your own stupid fears more times than I care to think about. Quite honestly, it makes me sick. You convince yourself that you are being the bigger person, acting selflessly, bearing your own burden of pain to alleviate others of its weight as if you are some hero in all of this, but that's crap. And at night, when you're alone and you have no one to spin the lies to, you know how cruel and cowardly your actions have been. You feel it in your bones. It's a cold and steady pressure that clenches to the inside walls of your skin and weighs you down. You know you did this, you walked away, and you brought on everyone's suffering. You. No one else. Certainly not me."

Maybe she _was_ inside my thoughts. Or, maybe the last time she read my mind enough pain seeped through the cracks of my own mental barriers that she understood my suffering more than I realized. Either way, I had witnessed Bella angry plenty of times in the past. She had fought as a human with me and her father out of sheer stubbornness. I had seen her raise her indignant voice, yell even. She had stomped her feet and beat her fists, slammed doors and given me the silent treatment. And as much as I wished I could purge the memory from my mind, I had seen her beg, cry, and give up. None of that compared to what was in front of me in that moment. Her voice was steady and she had complete control of her body. There were no tears or hands on hips. Her were words deliberate, and they intentionally cut me deep.

Bella was still seated out of habit, not fatigue, as we neared the third day in our exchange. Her back pressed against a fallen tree, legs bent with her knees together in front of her. She held onto her calves and made direct eye contact while speaking.

As she spoke, I paced along a path in the overgrown moss about fifty yards in front of her, because while she found remaining still the most comforting when organising and confronting her thoughts, my demons, our past and future…the anxiety inside me bubbled at every turn, and if I had any hope of retaining my weak hold on my patience, pacing was a must. However, after she began to speak of her true feelings, her pain and her anger, pacing felt like a further slight towards her when all I wanted to do was swallow all of her pain, support her, and move on in a more positive light.

I forced myself to slow and came to sit, cross-legged directly in front of her. I kept my hands to myself though my knees brushed her toes unintentionally. I didn't move them. Our contact over the last seventy-two hours had been severely limited. As in, non-existent after the last time my hand graced her cheek. It was an unspoken agreement. It felt necessary. Neither one of us tried to physically reach for the other. At times, I thought maybe I could see her desire to breech the accord even if just a little, or perhaps it was wishful thinking because she never did. The skin under my eyes still felt alive with the memory of her fingertips.

I sat there, knowing she had more to say and that it was only going to get harder to both say and to hear, wishing she would say it closer to me, preferably _much _closer. The words would sting less, the pain would be diluted, and the old, familiar warmth would blanket and protect us. My arms literally ached at how shockingly empty they felt in her absence. I swore I could almost feel the weight of her body against mine, the sensitive skin on the insides of my arms crawled with phantom sensation. Still, I respected the silent boundaries we were working within. I placed my hands on my knees respectfully, patiently, and hoped my eyes conveyed everything my body was not as she continued.

"Being betrayed and abandoned, Edward, its weird…it's dark…and warm, not cold like you would think. My blood just seemed to work on overdrive, pushing through my veins and drumming in my ears. My heart broke and sputtered and shattered, splintering into a thousand jagged pieces of who I once was, who I once dreamed of becoming–all destroyed in a single moment–and the pieces would shoot through me and into the tips of my fingers and scratch their way down my spine, and I swear I felt every wound acutely. My limbs failed me and my eyes would prick from pains unimaginable. That's why it's warm and not cold. My body fought even when I couldn't, but it was a silent war for the most part, waged inside while outside remained a hollow shell that seemed incapable of sustaining anything let alone a human life. There was nothing I could do. All that was left to do was give up and drown. To sink to the bottom of the black hole that was forever beckoning. To give in to it and let it pull me down deep and pray for a quick end.

"But that's not what I got. Instead, I got to lie there submissively and allow the abandonment to trample me with its sharp, painful hooves repeatedly. Back and forth, crushing me, bruising and scarring me. Marks of my failure, my desertion, my neglect that I would have to wear from that moment on because I would never be able to escape them. I couldn't shed my own memories, or heart and soul, despite what you may believe. They went everywhere with me along with my shame and my pain.

"And with every breath I breathed and every slow, vacant blink of my eyelids, I was alone. And I always remembered. I pushed in vain at the glass ceiling above my head that was always trying to hold me under the murky waters, numbing and amplifying the pain in ways that made no logical sense but still...I felt it. I put my hands against the glass and pushed and shoved and fought every single day, but that only made me exhausted. I was so weak. I was in so much pain. Everything hurt and yet, everything was numb. There was always this loud ringing in my ears as the water kept everything in the outside world at bay–all of the sights and sounds that carried on around me as I drowned right before everyone's eyes. And while many noticed, no one could help. Everything was just a dull thud, a throbbing in my veins and a pulsing in my ears. The shadows closed in the most at night. I had nightmares that felt so real I must have died a thousand fiery deaths before I every truly died. I convulsed, swelling and kicking, screaming for something, anything. Charlie would run to me in the middle of the night, and the look of horror on his face only made me feel worse. I was dragged to the brink, but I hovered there, never fully tipping over the edge. I thought I was going to stay in that hellish split-second before death forever. Alone.

"Even now, I'll never forget the way my fingers would constantly twitch by my sides, begging for warmth, to feel someone's hand holding them. Someone to be there, to lace their fingers through mine or to guide my weary head to their shoulder. To ease the suffering just a little. But there were no hands and no shoulders. No arms embraced me, no fingers stroked my hair, no lips reassured at my temple. There was no one around offering that kind of support that I would accept from them. Everyone I would ever want anything from had already left me without warning. And after a while, after the pain buried itself so deep inside me that I didn't know who I was without it and it defined me, after that...I became incapable of forgiveness. There was no more making excuses for intentions or defending actions. There was just pain and loneliness and twitching fingers. Every muscle in my body ached and my bones felt shattered from the smallest efforts. My throat was raw from choking back my own salty tears and my lungs bled from all of the screams I stifled.

"But that was nothing compared to the betrayal that enslaved my heart, clenched it and held it prisoner. Abandonment and betrayal runs so deep, hurts so bad, and its mark is so permanent. And I realised…everything had to have been a sham. Nothing was real. It couldn't have been. I was destroying myself over lies. To abandon is to destroy. You can't destroy something you love. End of story. Nothing, no excuse, no haphazard promise or weak justification should be able to allow someone to decimate something they truly cherished. So I knew. As I looked through the thick glass at my own miserable and sallow reflection, my own eyes, empty and alone: I was never loved by any of you. I was never a part of your family. How could I have been? Every affection must have been a ruse. Every touch a deceit. Every word spoken out of a twisted sense of obligation or maybe even a sickening curiosity. But it couldn't have been love, Edward. Love doesn't break you. It doesn't know how. Only the _lack_ of love could do something so awful. The loneliness fed off me until there was nothing left and I drifted until I couldn't hold on any longer. So I let it all go. It didn't matter, I barely had anything left anyway and what little I did have I was pushing away further and further every day. And then, for a second time, before Viktor found me, I cycled through the entire spectrum of nauseating, drowning pain all over again…because of you... It's somehow always because you.

"So, where in any of this did I go wrong? By trusting you? By feeling as if we were above it all, infallible? By having hope and giving my love openly, because I gave you everything I had, Edward, _everything_, and I wanted very little in return. Honesty, loyalty, love…forever…which I suppose sounds like a lot to ask for, but it didn't feel that way at the time. Because I thoughtyou loved me. I thought you claimed to love me _more _because of your immortality. Not only did you love me _less…_I'm struggling right now to believe that you ever loved me at all."

I tried to jump in, to defend everything I had ever felt for her after such a gut-wrenching, one-sided slaughtering of the past, but the snarl that ripped through her chest and the coldness that suddenly appeared in her eyes silenced me immediately. I stood, mouth agape, terrified with everything I had and hurting more than I had ever hurt before. Nothing I had ever felt in the past compared to this. I had experienced a fair share of horrible moments in my time. Moments of bloodlust and murder, lies, heartache, and betrayal. Devastation. Every ounce of agony paled in comparison to what I was feeling as Bella sat there and calmly explained the depths of her misery, a misery I single-handedly inflicted upon her. I was shattered. If I thought I wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her to me before, that feeling was now the only thing I could focus any of my energy on. Her words and the quiet resolution that lingered behind them felt like she was walking away, slowly explaining to me all of the reasons why she would never forgive me no matter what else I had to say. That I could dedicate centuries to trying to make it up to her and it would not be enough. I would be operating at a deficit, one which she could not overcome, and we hadn't even began to air our darkest truths. Already, she didn't want me. She wasn't going to forgive me. She was going to leave me…alone in the middle of a forest in Czech Republic and that was going to be the end of our story. The cruel irony was crushing, and it was the only thing keeping me from screaming, from disagreeing, from frantically grabbing her and refusing to allow her to do this. My head spun and my heart was desperate. I was unable to do anything but stare at her and slowly shake my head as if that small, horrified act could change her mind.

"Don't argue with me. You don't destroy the things you love regardless of the reason. I could have never walked away from you. Not even if it was for your own good. At the end of the day the urge to be selfish and stay near you would have won out a hundred times over. I spent a long time thinking that maybe your ability to do what was 'best' for me made you a more selfless and better person, but really, it just makes you a dishonest coward. I was so bound to you that when you _set me free,_ it set off a tailspin and I had no fucking clue how to steady myself again. I never recovered because I didn't have the chance. I was burned with immortality at the apex of my pain. So, now I have no hope of forgetting, of moving on, of recovering completely. It simply isn't an option for either of us."

BPOV

The saying goes, "you can forgive but you will never forget." Either that adage lies or I am simply constructed differently, which to be honest, I have always suspected.

I would never be able to forgive Edward.

He bestowed a lifetime of heartache on me. Sitting there listening to me, I could see the war he fought inside himself–the desire to contradict me, to defend himself, to fight back and profess his love. To jump up from where he sat and erupt, physically, verbally…to pull me back to him in any way he could.

His face fell further with every word I spoke. His spirits that had slowly and carefully been built up over the previous seventy-two hours were being crushed with my detailed account of what it felt like to drown in my own pain.

No.

I will live forever and for every single moment of that time I will always begrudge him so many my wounds that are beyond repair. Just as surely as I could not forgive, I would have no chance at forgetting.

His fingers were twisted predictably into his hair as he bowed over his bent knees. He stared at the forest floor through what I imagined–and knew from experience–to be glazed over eyes. Eyes that were both in awe and in denial. Wanting to believe _this isn't happening. _Eyes that were trying desperately to play catch-up with the brain as my words were absorbed but not fully grasped as a last-ditch effort at self-preservation kicked in and a frantic need to take control of a downward spiral consumed his every thought. It buzzed through him and made him dizzy and lost and frozen. I knew the feeling well. There was a slight upturn at the corners of my mouth. Smug. Cruel, even. Hypocritical, but warranted.

Edward was clearly operating under the assumption that I was explaining the reasoning behind my imminent departure. My refusal to go any further, to dig any deeper, to uncover the real pain. My rejection of any and all apologies he was sure to offer. My justification for moving on without him.

He was wrong.

As usual, his impatient tendency to spring to conclusions and worst case scenarios was working against him. But I allowed the pain of his erroneous assumptions to wash over and damage him as we sat in silence. He could use a little taste of fear, of betrayal and abandonment. The dull ache of your own helplessness as reality slowly sets in that you cannot control others' decisions no matter how badly you wished you could.

Truthfully, I had no idea what I was telling him aside from the face-value of my words. I just needed him to know how I felt in the past as well as presently. He needed to know that he has the ability to damage, that his invincibility did not apply our relationship.

Unfortunately for both of us, Edward felt like my fate. If nothing else could be discerned from the sum of my life's events it was that; I was meant to find Edward, or, given he had roamed the Earth for nearly a century before me, maybe it was more accurate to say that he was meant to find me.

I didn't doubt the truth in that, but what were we fated _for?_ Could we rebuild out of the ashes? Would we be too fragile to stand up or could we uncover a deeper strength after fighting together? I didn't have those answers. No one did.

For the moment, it was important for Edward to feel as if he had lost everything.

* * *

Still with me?

The, uh, incident is revealed in all of its ~glory next so...

xox


End file.
